The Myths of Happiness Summary

What if the things you fear most won’t make you unhappy forever, and the milestones you strive for won’t bring the happiness you expect?

1. Happiness Cannot Be Defined by Milestones

Many people believe achieving certain goals, like marriage or career success, will result in happiness. Similarly, they fear setbacks like divorce or losing a job, thinking they lead to long-term unhappiness. However, our expectations often do not match reality.

Researchers from Harvard and the University of Virginia found that people typically overestimate how positive or negative life events will impact their happiness. For instance, while a promotion feels wonderful initially, it may not sustain happiness for long. On the other hand, adversity, like falling ill or struggling with finances, often helps individuals adapt and find ways to cope.

Avoiding life’s risks out of fear of unhappiness can limit personal growth. Studies further reveal that people who face challenges, rather than avoiding them, often emerge stronger and happier than before. For example, a job loss might push someone to finally pursue their passion.

Examples

• Planning a wedding only to realize that life returns to normal after the big day.
• Losing a job but later finding fulfillment in a completely new career.
• Overestimating how much buying a dream home will improve daily contentment.

2. Adapting to Love Does Not Mean Losing It

Marriage and romantic relationships are often thought to be the ultimate sources of happiness. In reality, while relationships begin with passion, they naturally evolve over time and may feel less thrilling. This change doesn’t mean the relationship has failed—it’s simply human nature.

The concept of hedonic adaptation explains this: we get used to new, joyous circumstances over time. New love feels exciting and all-consuming, but this first stage—known as passionate love—is fleeting. It eventually transitions into companionate love, built on trust and respect. Both stages play important roles in maintaining strong relationships throughout challenges like raising children or tackling health issues.

This shift toward stability helps partners focus on things beyond romance, like personal goals or work. Falling out of passionate love isn’t a loss, but part of creating lasting bonds that weather life’s ups and downs.

Examples

• Studies show that newlyweds are happier in their first two years of marriage, but eventually, their happiness reverts to everyday levels.
• Couples who trade passionate love for companionate love often handle stressors, like financial problems, more effectively.
• Observing friends who celebrate decades of marriage offers real-world proof that enduring relationships evolve but remain meaningful.

3. Revitalizing Long-term Relationships is Possible

After some years, relationships might feel routine. But hedonic adaptation doesn’t mean passion and joy are gone forever. It’s possible to rekindle excitement through small, intentional changes.

One way to revitalize love is to cultivate regular appreciation for your partner. Over time, couples may focus on daily stressors rather than recognizing each other’s strengths. Activities that break routines—like taking a class or surprising your partner—can also restore excitement. Additionally, nonverbal communication, such as small gestures of physical touch, plays a big role in creating closeness.

Effort is key. Couples that stay engaged, communicate their needs, and embrace their partner’s quirks keep the spark alive longer. Even well-worn relationships can regain vigor through ongoing effort and commitment.

Examples

• Writing a letter listing reasons you love your partner can deepen affection.
• Making spontaneous plans—like going on a camping trip—that break routine helps relationships feel lively.
• Holding hands or cuddling during mundane moments boosts intimacy and joy.

4. Divorce Can Be Liberating, Not All-Consuming

Many people think of divorce as a life-shattering experience. However, while divorces come with short-term pain, those who go through them often report increased happiness down the road.

Disentangling a life shared between partners—financially, emotionally, or legally—causes temporary stress. Yet, research indicates individuals experience a surge in happiness after adapting to their new circumstances. Often, leaving a toxic or stagnant relationship opens the door to personal growth and freedom.

Studies show that visualizing post-divorce daily life—such as hobbies or personal time—can make the transition feel less daunting. Divorce might also allow individuals space to pursue goals or personal interests they neglected.

Examples

• A study from 1991 found that divorcées often emerged happier post-divorce than they were during their marriage.
• Writing a detailed plan for life after divorce reduces anxiety about the unknown.
• Comparing friends in unhappy marriages to those who’ve divorced shows how mental health improves after leaving incompatible partners.

5. Career Satisfaction Isn’t a Destination

Career dreams, promotions, and pay raises promise happiness, but these achievements rarely result in everlasting fulfillment. Jobs eventually lose their appeal because of hedonic adaptation.

Research examining managers who moved for promotions showed happiness spikes initially, then returns to baseline. Comparison with other people’s jobs—something amplified by social media—can also dampen satisfaction. Instead of comparing, it’s better to cultivate gratitude for the positives in one’s work and find personal meaning in tasks. Being realistic about career expectations prevents disappointment.

Examples

• Feeling uninspired by a promotion one year after receiving it.
• Research finding social comparisons can increase envy, while gratitude practices keep motivation steady.
• Appreciating flexible hours or a supportive boss rather than chasing “dream” perks.

6. Money’s Impact on Happiness is Limited

Wealthy people often say, “Money doesn’t buy happiness,” but that’s not entirely true. Money can absolutely provide comfort and ease, up to a certain point.

Research shows happiness increases as incomes rise, especially for those moving out of poverty. However, excessive wealth diminishes those returns due to quick adaptation. For example, upgrading to a luxury car or house feels great briefly but doesn’t permanently elevate day-to-day satisfaction.

Big financial decisions can also amplify stress—like high mortgages draining joy over time. Reducing financial burdens often weighs more positively on happiness than seeking extravagant upgrades.

Examples

• Paying off credit card debt creates significantly more happiness than buying new gadgets.
• Downsizing reduces recurring stress like oversized rents or mortgages.
• Data shows people earning more enjoy sharing wealth rather than spending on themselves.

7. Illness Doesn’t Eliminate Joy

A diagnosis like cancer or another major illness is understandably difficult. Despite this, happiness does not need to disappear entirely from your life. Resilience allows people to focus on positive, smaller moments.

Philosophers remind us that "where we focus shapes our reality." Patients learning meditation or mindfulness techniques note seeing life with refreshed perspective, even in facing hardships. Each joyful moment—walking in a garden or enjoying family time—has emotional power.

This ability to reframe focus generates positive spirals. By seeking small sources of happiness, even during worst-case scenarios, bigger ones follow.

Examples

• Meditation studies from 2007 reveal mental redirection improves daily happiness.
• People battling terminal illness express joy in stronger connections with loved ones.
• Focusing on daily wins—climbing stairs again—encourages gratitude.

8. Regret Can Teach Happiness

Unfulfilled dreams or regrets over missed opportunities often lead some to dwell in negativity, yet regret can become teacher rather than hindrance.

Failing to process regret cuts people from its lessons, as shown in stories like Lucy and Alejandro, two athletes who miss out on the Olympics. Lucy makes peace, rediscovering her love for local athletics while Alejandro quits altogether, growing bitter. Facing regrets allows people to use those experiences for redirection—whether navigating career choices or relationships.

Examples

• Revisiting creative hobbies, like painting, fulfills previously abandoned passions.
• Athletes returning to amateur tournaments reconcile loss of professional dreams.
• Discussing lost opportunities openly fosters self-acceptance.

9. Sharing Happiness Multiplies It

Research confirms generosity acts as happiness's amplifier. Giving to others sparks distinctly higher emotional rewards than spending inwardly on luxuries.

Donating reduces loneliness, creates strong relational ties, and leaves benefactors with profound gratitude. Shared experiences—like treating loved ones to small surprises—stay more emotionally impactful than solo ones.

True contentment grows far better collectively.

Examples

• Happiness jumps for groups researching amounts donated to local charities.
• Surprising family members with kept promises lifts spirits sustainably.
• Organizing community outreach programs deepens widespread gratitude.

Takeaways

1. Resist viewing milestones as your only pathway to happiness—appreciate what exists already!
2. Combat dissatisfaction regularly by listing "three joys today" gratitude practices.
3. Share blessings often—host simple get-togethers that reconnect those needing brighter evenings.