Thrivers

In her insightful book "Thrivers," Michele Borba explores the challenges facing today's children and offers a fresh perspective on how to help them truly flourish. As a renowned educational psychologist, Borba draws on extensive research and interviews with children across the United States to paint a vivid picture of the struggles many young people face in our high-pressure, achievement-oriented culture.

Introduction: A Generation in Crisis

Borba begins by highlighting a troubling paradox: while today's children are often smarter and more ambitious than ever before, they're also experiencing unprecedented levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Despite their many achievements, something crucial seems to be missing from their lives.

Through a series of focus groups with tweens and teens, Borba uncovers a generation feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. These young people describe lives packed with schoolwork, extracurricular activities, and social media pressures, leaving little time for friends, hobbies, or simply being kids. Many feel lonely and stressed, constantly striving to meet sky-high expectations.

One middle-school student named Aiden aptly compares his generation to an incomplete puzzle, saying, "We're trying to fit into the world but can't because we're missing pieces." This powerful metaphor sets the stage for Borba's exploration of what those missing pieces might be and how we can help children find them.

The Missing Piece: Character

Borba argues that in our rush to create high-achieving "strivers," we've neglected to nurture essential character traits that allow children to navigate life's challenges and find genuine fulfillment. While academic success and accolades are important, they're not enough on their own to produce happy, well-adjusted adults.

The missing piece, according to Borba, is character – a combination of qualities like self-confidence, perseverance, empathy, and creativity. These traits enable children to cope with setbacks, build meaningful relationships, and find purpose in their lives. By focusing solely on external achievements, we're setting kids up for potential burnout and disappointment when they enter the adult world.

Nurturing True Talents: The Key to Self-Confidence and Happiness

Drawing on the work of psychologist Martin Seligman, Borba emphasizes the importance of helping children discover and develop their authentic strengths. She argues that true happiness and self-confidence come from applying our greatest talents in various aspects of life, rather than trying to excel at everything.

Borba cites research by Benjamin Bloom showing that talented young people who achieve success later in life often had parents who helped them identify and hone their unique gifts. These children come to see their talents as integral parts of their identities, motivating them to improve and gain confidence in their abilities.

However, Borba notes that many of today's adolescents lack the time to focus on their true passions. Overwhelmed by numerous commitments and the pressure to excel in everything, they miss out on opportunities to develop their core strengths. She shares the story of a 13-year-old girl who found happiness only after her father allowed her to drop some activities to focus on her love of violin playing.

Identifying and Nurturing Core Assets

To help children thrive, Borba encourages parents to shift their focus from conventional markers of achievement to identifying and nurturing their children's true strengths, or "core assets." These can include personality traits, character qualities, or specific talents.

She offers several tips for recognizing core assets:

1. Look for tenacity: When a child perseveres in a task despite difficulties, it may indicate a core strength.
2. Notice eagerness: A willingness to engage in an activity without prompting often signals a genuine interest.
3. Listen for possessive language: If a child refers to something as "my thing" or speaks about it with pride, it's likely a core asset.

Once identified, Borba stresses the importance of acknowledging and reinforcing these strengths through specific, genuine praise. She suggests using "earshot praise" – letting children overhear you praising their abilities to others – as an effective technique. The goal is for children to internalize these strengths and see them as part of their identities.

The Empathy Crisis

Borba dedicates significant attention to the importance of empathy, which she describes as having three components: affective (sharing others' feelings), behavioral (acting compassionately), and cognitive (understanding others' perspectives). She emphasizes that empathy is crucial for success in both personal relationships and the modern global job market.

However, Borba presents alarming evidence that empathy is declining among young people. Studies show that today's college-age teens are significantly less empathetic than their counterparts 30 years ago. This decline in empathy correlates with rising rates of anxiety and depression among young people.

Borba attributes much of this empathy crisis to the hyper-competitive environment in which children are raised. High-stakes testing, constant comparison with peers, and the pressure to outperform others create an atmosphere where it's difficult for children to build genuine relationships or consider others' perspectives.

She cites the example of Sara, a 16-year-old from Texas, who describes how her mother texts her during the school day to compare her test scores with those of her friends. This constant surveillance and comparison fosters a self-centered mindset rather than empathy for others.

Teaching Emotional Literacy to Boost Empathy

The good news, Borba asserts, is that empathy can be taught and developed like a muscle. She emphasizes the importance of starting early by teaching children "emotional literacy" – the ability to recognize, understand, and express emotions.

Borba offers several strategies for parents to help their children develop emotional literacy:

1. Label and discuss emotions regularly, using clear, descriptive statements.
2. Share your own feelings and explain the reasons behind them.
3. Ask children to rate their emotions on a scale or describe how they're feeling.
4. Encourage perspective-taking by having children retell stories from different characters' viewpoints or imagine how their peers might feel in various situations.

By building this foundation of emotional understanding, children become better equipped to empathize with others and navigate social relationships more effectively.

The Decline of Curiosity and Creativity

Another area of concern Borba highlights is the decline in curiosity and creativity as children grow older. She cites a long-term study by George Land and NASA researchers that tracked 1,600 children from birth to age 31. The results were striking: while 98% of 5-year-olds scored at the "creative genius" level, only 2% maintained that level of creativity by age 31.

Borba attributes this decline to several factors:

1. Increased focus on standardized testing, which leaves less time for open-ended exploration.
2. A shift from intrinsic motivation (doing things out of genuine interest) to extrinsic motivation (pursuing external rewards like grades or accolades).
3. Less time for free play and unstructured activities that foster creativity.

She argues that this loss of curiosity and creativity is detrimental to children's long-term success and fulfillment, as these qualities are essential for innovation, problem-solving, and adapting to a rapidly changing world.

Fostering Curiosity at Home

While acknowledging the necessity of academic achievement, Borba emphasizes the crucial role parents can play in nurturing curiosity and creativity outside of school. She draws inspiration from the Wright brothers, whose groundbreaking achievements in aviation were rooted in a childhood filled with encouragement for intellectual curiosity.

Borba offers several suggestions for parents to foster curiosity at home:

1. Provide open-ended toys and materials that encourage imagination and experimentation, such as art supplies, building materials, and dress-up clothes.
2. Ask thought-provoking questions that spark wonder and investigation, like "I wonder why leaves change color in the fall?"
3. Allow ample time for unstructured play, daydreaming, and creative pursuits.
4. Encourage children to find multiple uses for everyday objects, promoting flexible thinking.
5. Create a home environment that values and rewards curiosity and creative problem-solving.

By implementing these strategies, parents can help counterbalance the often rigid and test-focused nature of formal education, giving children opportunities to explore their interests and develop their natural curiosity.

The Importance of Self-Confidence

Throughout the book, Borba repeatedly emphasizes the critical role of self-confidence in children's overall well-being and success. She argues that true self-confidence comes from recognizing and developing one's authentic strengths, rather than trying to excel in every area or meet others' expectations.

Borba offers several strategies for building genuine self-confidence in children:

1. Help children identify their core strengths and provide opportunities to develop them.
2. Offer specific, genuine praise for effort and improvement rather than just outcomes.
3. Encourage children to set realistic goals and celebrate progress towards them.
4. Teach children to reframe negative self-talk and develop a growth mindset.
5. Provide opportunities for children to contribute and feel valued within the family and community.

By fostering self-confidence based on authentic strengths and efforts, parents can help their children develop resilience and a positive self-image that will serve them well throughout life.

The Power of Grit and Perseverance

Borba dedicates a section of the book to discussing the importance of grit – the ability to persevere in the face of challenges and setbacks. She argues that grit is a crucial factor in long-term success and fulfillment, often outweighing raw talent or intelligence.

To help children develop grit, Borba suggests:

1. Modeling perseverance in your own life and discussing challenges you've overcome.
2. Encouraging children to take on manageable challenges and supporting them through difficulties.
3. Teaching problem-solving skills and helping children break large tasks into smaller, achievable steps.
4. Praising effort and improvement rather than just natural ability or end results.
5. Sharing stories of historical figures or role models who demonstrated grit in pursuing their goals.

By fostering grit and perseverance, parents can help their children develop the resilience needed to overcome obstacles and achieve their long-term goals.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence

Borba emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence – the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions, as well as empathize with others. She argues that emotional intelligence is crucial for success in both personal relationships and professional settings.

To help children develop emotional intelligence, Borba recommends:

1. Teaching children to identify and name their emotions accurately.
2. Helping children understand the connection between emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
3. Practicing active listening and encouraging children to express their feelings openly.
4. Teaching coping strategies for managing strong emotions, such as deep breathing or counting to ten.
5. Encouraging perspective-taking and discussing how others might feel in various situations.

By nurturing emotional intelligence, parents can help their children navigate social relationships more effectively and develop greater self-awareness and self-control.

The Importance of Social Skills

Borba dedicates a portion of the book to discussing the critical role of social skills in children's overall success and well-being. She argues that in our increasingly digital world, many children are missing out on opportunities to develop crucial face-to-face social skills.

To help children build strong social skills, Borba suggests:

1. Providing ample opportunities for unstructured play with peers.
2. Teaching and modeling basic social courtesies, such as greeting others and making eye contact.
3. Encouraging children to join clubs or groups based on their interests to practice socializing around shared passions.
4. Role-playing different social scenarios to help children practice appropriate responses.
5. Discussing social dynamics in books, movies, or real-life situations to enhance social awareness.

By helping children develop strong social skills, parents can set them up for success in forming meaningful relationships and navigating various social contexts throughout their lives.

The Value of Mindfulness and Stress Management

Recognizing the high levels of stress many children face, Borba emphasizes the importance of teaching mindfulness and stress management techniques. She argues that these skills are essential for maintaining mental health and overall well-being in today's fast-paced world.

Borba offers several strategies for incorporating mindfulness and stress management into children's lives:

1. Teaching simple breathing exercises or guided imagery techniques for relaxation.
2. Encouraging regular physical activity as a way to manage stress and improve mood.
3. Practicing gratitude by having children regularly share things they're thankful for.
4. Creating quiet spaces or times for reflection and decompression.
5. Modeling healthy stress management techniques in your own life.

By equipping children with these tools, parents can help them develop resilience and maintain balance in the face of life's challenges.

The Importance of a Growth Mindset

Borba discusses the concept of a growth mindset, popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck, as a crucial factor in children's ability to thrive. She explains that children with a growth mindset believe their abilities can be developed through effort and learning, while those with a fixed mindset believe their talents are innate and unchangeable.

To foster a growth mindset in children, Borba recommends:

1. Praising effort and strategies rather than innate abilities or intelligence.
2. Encouraging children to embrace challenges as opportunities for growth.
3. Teaching children to view mistakes as learning experiences rather than failures.
4. Sharing stories of people who achieved success through hard work and perseverance.
5. Using language that emphasizes the process of learning and improvement, such as "not yet" instead of "can't."

By nurturing a growth mindset, parents can help their children develop resilience, embrace challenges, and maintain motivation in the face of setbacks.

The Role of Purpose and Meaning

Borba argues that helping children develop a sense of purpose and meaning is crucial for their long-term happiness and success. She explains that children who feel they have a purpose beyond themselves are more resilient, motivated, and fulfilled.

To help children discover and pursue their sense of purpose, Borba suggests:

1. Encouraging children to explore their passions and interests deeply.
2. Providing opportunities for children to contribute to their family, school, or community in meaningful ways.
3. Discussing the concept of legacy and how one's actions can positively impact others.
4. Exposing children to diverse role models who have made a difference in various fields.
5. Helping children connect their strengths and interests to potential future careers or life paths.

By fostering a sense of purpose, parents can help their children develop intrinsic motivation and a deeper sense of fulfillment in their lives.

Balancing Achievement with Well-being

Throughout the book, Borba emphasizes the need to strike a balance between academic achievement and overall well-being. She argues that while success in school is important, it shouldn't come at the cost of children's mental health, social relationships, or personal growth.

To help maintain this balance, Borba recommends:

1. Regularly assessing your child's stress levels and overall happiness.
2. Ensuring children have time for unstructured play, hobbies, and relaxation.
3. Encouraging a well-rounded approach to education that includes arts, physical activity, and social experiences.
4. Being mindful of overscheduling and allowing for downtime in children's lives.
5. Emphasizing the importance of sleep, nutrition, and self-care alongside academic pursuits.

By maintaining this balance, parents can help their children achieve success while also fostering their overall well-being and happiness.

Conclusion: Raising Thrivers, Not Just Strivers

In concluding her book, Borba reiterates the importance of nurturing children's character strengths alongside their academic abilities. She emphasizes that by focusing on qualities like empathy, curiosity, resilience, and self-confidence, parents can help their children become "thrivers" who are equipped to handle life's challenges and find genuine fulfillment.

Borba encourages parents to:

1. Recognize the unique strengths and passions of their children.
2. Provide opportunities for children to develop their character alongside their intellect.
3. Foster a home environment that values curiosity, creativity, and emotional intelligence.
4. Help children develop a strong sense of self and purpose beyond external achievements.
5. Model the character traits and behaviors they wish to see in their children.

By implementing these strategies, parents can play a crucial role in raising a generation of children who not only achieve success but also lead meaningful, balanced, and fulfilling lives. Borba's "Thrivers" offers a compelling roadmap for parents, educators, and caregivers who want to help children truly flourish in today's challenging world.