Toxic Positivity

"Think positive! But what if positivity is the very thing holding us back?" Toxic positivity isn't just unhelpful; it’s damaging our relationships, emotions, and society.

1. The Problem with "Looking on the Bright Side"

Toxic positivity is the insistence on viewing every situation through rose-colored glasses, dismissing the complexity of emotions. When someone shares their struggles, they often hear well-meaning phrases like, “It could be worse,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” But far from comforting, these words alienate and minimize the pain.

The author, Whitney Goodman, realized through her therapy work and personal life that forced positivity doesn't actually help anyone heal. Clients and friends often felt worse when they were encouraged to “stay positive” instead of having their feelings validated. They were left confused and unsupported as if their pain didn’t deserve acknowledgment.

This well-intentioned but harmful pattern shows how “good vibes only” culture impacts relationships negatively. By denying the legitimacy of negative feelings, toxic positivity shuts down authentic connection and adds a layer of guilt or shame to natural human emotions.

Examples

• A friend responds to job loss with, “Think of it as a new opportunity!”
• Congregants tell a grieving family, “This is part of God’s plan.”
• A chronically ill person hears, “At least it’s not worse!”

2. Positivity Isn't Always the Answer in Hard Times

People struggling with life's difficulties don’t need to be told to “stay positive.” Instead, they crave genuine empathy and support. When someone is facing heartbreak, illness, or grief, attempts to frame their experience positively can feel dismissive and invalidating.

Goodman shares the story of the Fernandez family, who lost their son in a tragic accident. Well-meaning individuals offered platitudes like, “He’s in a better place,” but this only deepened the family's pain. These phrases, rather than providing condolence, suggested that their grief wasn't appropriate or necessary.

Instead of leaning on hollow reassurances, true support involves listening, acknowledging, and offering consistent presence. Sometimes, just saying, “I’m here for you,” can make all the difference.

Examples

• Telling a divorced friend, “You’ll find someone better,” can come across as dismissive.
• A woman facing infertility doesn’t benefit from hearing, “At least you can still adopt!”
• A grieving person is best supported by hearing, “I’m so sorry—I’m here to listen.”

3. Toxic Positivity Has Deep Cultural Roots

The U.S. obsession with positivity has historical and cultural roots. In early Calvinist America, life was seen as hard and sin-filled. But as the New Thought movement emerged in the 19th century, figures like Phineas Quimby promoted the idea that positive thinking could change lives. Over time, this concept merged with self-help philosophies, eventually becoming entrenched in Western culture.

Goodman explains how society expects positivity from the moment we’re born, with judgments like “such a happy baby!” and discouragement of complaints throughout childhood. Media and societal pressures reinforce these ideas, portraying struggle as an “opportunity” and idolizing those who “stay strong” no matter what.

But this cultural narrative ignores the evolutionary reality that humans are naturally attuned to negativity for survival. Toxic positivity isn't natural—it’s a learned behavior born out of societal conditioning.

Examples

• The self-help industry, including books like Think and Grow Rich, promotes positivity as the key to success.
• Children are told to smile and stop complaining, even when upset.
• Media celebrates people who “overcome” struggles with a constant state of cheer.

4. Chasing Happiness Can Backfire

Although Americans spend massive amounts of time and money trying to be happy, research shows no increase in happiness levels since the 1970s. The constant push for happiness often leaves people feeling guilty or broken when they can’t maintain it.

Through client stories, Goodman highlights how forced positivity leads to burnout and shame cycles. One client, Tory, obsessively pursued happiness with affirmations and gratitude lists but felt lower than ever. She blamed herself for not feeling better, spiraling into guilt for her unshakable sadness.

Happiness cannot be manufactured through denial or force. Allowing ourselves to fully feel emotions, both positive and negative, is healthier and far more realistic.

Examples

• A burned-out mother feels she’s failing because she doesn’t enjoy every moment.
• A man facing job loss feels pressured to stay positive instead of grieving the loss.
• A woman tells herself she’s happy in an unsatisfying relationship—until emotional pain manifests physically.

5. Supporting Others Means Listening First

When a loved one is struggling, the best way to help isn’t to “fix” them with positivity. To truly support someone, we need to listen actively, show empathy, and validate their emotions.

Goodman identifies four key elements of authentic support: curiosity, understanding, validation, and empathy. These qualities create a safe space for others to share openly while feeling seen and supported.

Instead of rushing to find solutions for others’ pain, pausing to say, “Tell me more about that,” can transform a conversation and deepen trust.

Examples

• Asking a struggling friend, “How can I support you right now?”
• Providing an open ear to a grieving parent without trying to solve their sadness.
• Validating a partner’s frustration instead of minimizing it.

6. Radical Acceptance as an Alternative

Goodman introduces the concept of radical acceptance as an antidote to toxic positivity. This means accepting life as it is, even when it’s painful or far from ideal. Rather than denying or avoiding negative emotions, you acknowledge their presence without judgment.

Feeling your emotions fully, rather than suppressing them, allows the natural “wave” of feelings to rise, crest, and fall. This process makes emotions more manageable and helps prevent the stress of suppression, which studies link to health issues.

Radical acceptance frees people from chasing unrealistic happiness and creates space for a more grounded, present-focused life.

Examples

• Instead of rejecting sadness, let yourself cry and breathe through it.
• Accept a frustrating circumstance as “what is,” even if you wish it were different.
• Name your emotions out loud or write them down as part of processing.

7. The Pursuit of Happiness Is Often Misguided

Rather than chasing happiness, Goodman encourages people to focus on living a life aligned with personal values. Values provide a more solid framework for making decisions, guiding priorities, and finding fulfillment that isn’t contingent on fleeting emotions.

When people live by their values, they no longer need to fit into a one-size-fits-all pursuit of happiness. Instead, they can focus on what gives them a sense of purpose and meaning.

Examples

• A person prioritizes family connections over career achievements because it aligns with their values.
• Someone finds contentment in volunteering, driven by a personal belief in helping others.
• You stop forcing gratitude and instead pursue what genuinely matters to you.

8. Toxic Positivity Upholds Inequality

Toxic positivity doesn’t just harm individuals; it also reinforces societal disadvantages. Marginalized groups are often told to suppress valid anger or negativity—for example, by being labeled “angry” or “ungrateful.”

Goodman showcases how these attitudes prevent people from addressing meaningful societal changes, keeping oppressive systems intact. Positive stereotypes, like the “strong Black woman,” oversimplify and dismiss the struggles of marginalized groups under the guise of praise.

Creating a fairer society requires amplifying, not silencing, the perspectives of those who are hurting or seeking change.

Examples

• People of color face pushback when voicing frustration over systemic racism.
• Immigrants are told to “be grateful” rather than openly address injustices.
• LGBTQIA+ individuals are expected to embrace their identities with ease, glossing over real challenges.

9. Authentic Connection Is the Goal

At its heart, Goodman’s message is about fostering stronger relationships—both with ourselves and others. By rejecting harmful positivity, we create space for authentic emotions, deeper empathy, and meaningful connection.

Life isn’t just about chasing happiness or avoiding pain. It’s about supporting each other in the messy, complicated reality of being human.

Examples

• A couple rebuilds trust by allowing each other to feel vulnerable without judgment.
• A friend group commits to listening without trying to “fix” one another’s problems.
• An individual practices self-compassion by acknowledging sadness without guilt.

Takeaways

1. Practice radical acceptance: Accept what’s outside your control instead of forcing yourself to stay positive.
2. Support others authentically: Listen, validate, and offer empathy instead of reflexively trying to cheer people up.
3. Align with your values: Focus on what gives your life meaning rather than chasing an elusive, one-size-fits-all idea of happiness.