Introduction
In her collection of essays "Trick Mirror", Jia Tolentino explores the cultural forces shaping our modern lives and identities. Writing in the aftermath of Donald Trump's election in 2016, Tolentino grapples with the confusing and often contradictory nature of life in the digital age. Through a blend of cultural criticism and personal reflection, she examines phenomena like social media, reality TV, feminism, and religion to understand how they distort our view of ourselves and the world around us.
Tolentino's essays act as a kind of trick mirror - reflecting back warped images of ourselves and society that reveal hidden truths. With sharp insight and vivid prose, she illuminates the ways we deceive ourselves and are deceived by larger systems and ideologies. While the topics she covers are wide-ranging, common threads emerge around identity, performance, and the blurring lines between reality and artifice in the internet era.
For readers looking to make sense of our chaotic times, Tolentino offers a fresh and incisive perspective. Her essays don't provide easy answers, but rather prompt us to question our assumptions and look at familiar issues in new ways. By turns funny, poignant, and provocative, "Trick Mirror" holds up a mirror to contemporary culture and invites us to take a deeper look at ourselves.
The Internet and Social Media: Narcissism as Business Model
One of Tolentino's central arguments is that the internet, and social media in particular, have fundamentally changed how we construct and present our identities. She traces her own relationship with the internet back to her pre-teen years in the early 2000s, when she declared herself "literally addicted to the web" in an online diary. At that time, the internet was still a relatively decentralized space where users could carve out niche communities around their interests.
But with the rise of social media platforms in the Web 2.0 era, our online lives became increasingly centralized and intertwined with our offline identities. Tolentino argues that this shift has turned us all into narcissists of a sort, constantly curating and performing versions of ourselves for an imagined audience. On social media, we learn to post only our most flattering selfies, express our most relatable or extreme opinions, and align ourselves with trendy causes to signal our virtue.
This constant performance leaves little room for an authentic self to emerge. Drawing on sociologist Erving Goffman's work on social interaction as performance, Tolentino notes that we all play different roles in different contexts. But social media collapses these contexts, forcing us to maintain a singular performative identity for multiple audiences simultaneously. There's no "backstage" on the internet where we can let our guard down.
Moreover, tech companies have made a business model out of our online narcissism and performance. Platforms like Facebook don't just sell us products anymore - they sell our identities, relationships, and data to advertisers. We've become both the customers and the product.
Tolentino's analysis helps explain the often exhausting nature of social media use. The pressure to constantly curate and perform an idealized version of ourselves, while also consuming the carefully crafted personas of others, is mentally and emotionally draining. Yet the addictive nature of these platforms, and their increasing centrality in modern life, makes it difficult to opt out entirely.
Reality TV: Indulging and Reckoning with Self-Delusion
Tolentino's exploration of performative identity extends to her analysis of reality television, drawing on her own experience as a teenage contestant on a low-budget MTV show. At 16, she appeared on "Girls v. Boys: Puerto Rico", competing in physical challenges against a team of boys for a $50,000 prize.
Looking back on the experience years later, Tolentino is struck by how desperately her teenage self tried to seem special and interesting on camera. She volunteered to eat a plate of mayonnaise to impress the others and presented herself as a principled, morally upright "good girl." The producers later confirmed they had cast her as the archetypal "tightly wound know-it-all" character.
This early brush with reality TV taught Tolentino valuable lessons about performing identity that would serve her well in the social media age. She learned that while you can't control how others perceive you, you can amplify certain traits to garner more attention. Reality TV indulged her narcissistic fantasy that her life was a kind of movie, with herself as the main character.
But rewatching the show as an adult also forced Tolentino to reckon with the artificiality and self-delusion involved in crafting a public persona. She cringed at her teenage self's desperate attempts to seem interesting and morally superior. The experience highlighted the gap between how we see ourselves and how others perceive us.
Tolentino's reality TV anecdote serves as a microcosm for broader cultural shifts. As a society, we've become increasingly comfortable with blurring the lines between authentic identity and performance. Reality TV normalized the idea that ordinary people could become celebrities simply by amplifying certain aspects of their personalities on camera. Social media has extended this dynamic to everyone, turning us all into micro-celebrities curating our personal brands.
While this can be empowering in some ways, allowing people to craft idealized versions of themselves, it also fuels narcissism and self-delusion. We risk losing touch with our authentic selves amid the pressure to constantly perform. Tolentino's essay highlights the importance of occasionally stepping back from our curated personas to honestly examine who we really are beneath the performance.
Beauty Standards and Feminism: New Packaging, Same Pressures
Tolentino takes a critical look at how beauty standards for women have evolved - or failed to evolve - in the age of mainstream feminism. While women's magazines and brands now push messages of body positivity and self-acceptance, she argues that the underlying pressures on women's appearances haven't lessened. They've simply been repackaged in more palatable feminist language.
Drawing on Naomi Wolf's seminal text "The Beauty Myth", Tolentino notes that expectations for women's appearances actually intensified after they gained more financial independence from men. The same dynamic is at play today - as women have made social and professional gains, beauty standards have become even more demanding and all-encompassing.
The key shift is in how these standards are framed. Instead of overtly pressuring women to diet and wear makeup, the modern ideal woman is expected to practice "self-care" and pursue "natural" beauty through expensive skincare, rigorous exercise routines, and even cosmetic procedures. The end goal is still an idealized female appearance, but it's couched in the language of health, wellness, and empowerment.
Tolentino points to the rise of "athleisure" - expensive athletic clothing worn as everyday fashion - as emblematic of this shift. By wearing yoga pants and sports bras as regular outfits, women signal their commitment to constantly working on and optimizing their bodies. The pressure to be "naturally" beautiful is now so intense that traditional beauty tools like makeup are seen as insufficient. Women are expected to transform themselves from the inside out.
This dynamic is amplified by social media, where appearance translates directly into social and economic capital. Good looks garner more followers and likes, which can then be leveraged into sponsorships and career opportunities. Many women now see their appearance as a key part of their personal brand that must be continuously improved and marketed.
Tolentino argues that mainstream feminism has largely failed to challenge these intensifying beauty pressures. By focusing on individual choice and empowerment, it ignores the systemic forces that shape those choices. Women are told they can be beautiful "on their own terms", but those terms are still largely dictated by patriarchal and capitalist ideals.
A more radical approach, Tolentino suggests, would be to question the importance placed on female beauty altogether. But this is a difficult stance to take in a culture where appearance is so tightly linked to a woman's perceived value. Her essay highlights the need for a feminism that looks beyond individual choice to address the larger structures that constrain those choices.
Literary Heroines: From Innocence to Disillusionment
Tolentino examines how female characters in literature often follow a predictable trajectory from childhood innocence to adult disillusionment, reflecting and reinforcing societal expectations for women's lives. She draws on her own experience as an avid reader, recalling how she identified strongly with literary heroines as a young girl.
In children's classics, female protagonists are typically portrayed as curious, inventive, and resilient. Characters like Jo March in "Little Women", Laura Ingalls in the "Little House" series, and Hermione Granger in "Harry Potter" are allowed to be fully human, with rich inner lives and aspirations beyond traditional female roles. Even when facing hardships, their essential spark and personality remain intact.
However, as these characters transition to adulthood, marriage and motherhood inevitably come to dominate their narratives. Jo March, for instance, ends up as a wife and foster mother by the end of the "Little Women" series, her earlier literary ambitions largely set aside. This pattern reflects the limited options historically available to women in society.
Adolescent heroines in literature tend to be more aware of societal constraints, resulting in sadder, angrier, and more resigned characterizations. Tolentino points to characters in dystopian young adult novels who struggle against unfair systems, often at great personal cost. Even in more romantic stories, teenage heroines typically end up defining themselves in relation to a male love interest.
By the time we reach adult literary heroines, disillusionment has often set in. Tolentino cites characters like Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary - intelligent women trapped in loveless marriages due to economic necessity, whose attempts to find fulfillment outside societal norms end in tragedy. These narratives reinforce the idea that there are dire consequences for women who defy expectations.
For Tolentino, who is Filipino-Canadian, the limitations of identifying with these predominantly white literary heroines became increasingly apparent as she grew older. While she remains grateful for how these characters expanded her sense of possibility as a young girl, she now sees them more as cautionary tales or stepping stones rather than models to emulate.
Her essay highlights how the narratives we consume shape our understanding of what's possible in our own lives. While literature can open up new worlds for readers, it can also reinforce limiting beliefs about gender roles and societal expectations. Tolentino advocates for more diverse and expansive portrayals of women in literature that aren't confined to traditional arcs of marriage and motherhood.
Ultimately, she takes inspiration from writer Rebecca Solnit's assertion that "there is no good answer to being a woman; the art may instead lie in how we refuse the question." This suggests a more open-ended approach to female narratives, both in literature and in life, that isn't bound by preconceived notions of what a woman's story should look like.
Religion and Drugs: Different Paths to Transcendence
Tolentino draws surprising parallels between religious and drug-induced experiences, exploring how both offer ways to transcend the self and connect to something larger. She reflects on her own background growing up in an evangelical megachurch in Texas, contrasting it with her later experiences using ecstasy (MDMA) as a young adult.
As a child, Tolentino found comfort and belonging in her church community. She vividly recalls the pure, blessed feeling of God's love during services. However, as she entered adolescence, she began to question the conservative Christian education she was receiving. Small things like not being allowed to watch Disney movies or use notebooks with peace signs sparked larger doubts about the church's teachings.
It wasn't until college, when Tolentino tried ecstasy for the first time at a concert, that she fully stopped believing in God. The parallels between her drug-induced euphoria and previous religious experiences were striking. Both provided a sense of transcendence and connection to something greater than herself.
Tolentino notes that MDMA, classified as an empathogen, increases feelings of compassion and emotional openness. Users often report feeling more in tune with their own emotions while also experiencing heightened empathy for others. This mirrors the sense of love and connection many people seek through religious practice.
Historically, spiritual and drug-induced altered states have often been described in similar terms. Tolentino cites the 14th-century mystic Julian of Norwich, who described religious visions in language that closely resembles modern accounts of psychedelic experiences - waves of color, profound peace and joy, followed by a challenging comedown period.
For Tolentino, the analogy between religion and drugs extends to the interplay of purity and transgression in both experiences. As a child in church, she felt both virtuous and slightly naughty, knowing she was participating in something many of her peers didn't understand. Similarly, taking ecstasy as a young adult combined feelings of transcendent connection with the thrill of doing something illicit.
This essay challenges readers to think more expansively about altered states of consciousness and the human drive for transcendent experiences. While religion and recreational drug use are often seen as opposites in mainstream discourse, Tolentino highlights their underlying similarities. Both offer escape from ordinary consciousness and connection to something greater than oneself.
However, she also acknowledges the potential downsides of both religious fervor and drug use - the risk of losing touch with reality, the sometimes harsh comedown, and the way both can be used as a crutch to avoid dealing with life's challenges. Her nuanced take avoids either glorifying or demonizing these experiences, instead examining them as different manifestations of a common human impulse.
By drawing these unexpected connections, Tolentino encourages readers to examine their own relationships with altered states, whether achieved through traditional religious practice, meditation, psychoactive substances, or other means. Her essay suggests that the line between the sacred and the profane may be blurrier than we often assume.
The Era of the Scam: Fake It Till You Make It
Tolentino argues that we are living in an era defined by scams and grifters, using the infamous Fyre Festival disaster as a launching point to examine broader cultural trends. The luxury music festival, which spectacularly failed to deliver on its extravagant promises, serves as a potent symbol of the "fake it till you make it" mentality prevalent in modern society.
She traces the origins of the term "con man" (short for confidence man) back to 19th-century petty criminal William Thomson, who would convince people to entrust him with their watches and then disappear. But modern scammers like Fyre Festival organizer Billy McFarland operate on a much larger scale, enabled by social media and fueled by a culture that often rewards audacity over substance.
What sets contemporary scammers apart, in Tolentino's analysis, is their ability to believe their own hype. McFarland seemed genuinely convinced he could pull off the festival even as it was clearly unraveling. This self-delusion allows modern grifters to take their schemes further than traditional con artists who were always aware of their own deceptions.
Tolentino argues that this "fake it till you make it" ethos has become normalized across society. She points to examples like Facebook, which she characterizes as a global grift operation mining personal data under the guise of connection. The 2008 financial crisis, fueled by predatory lending practices, is presented as another massive scam that reshaped the economic landscape.
Even seemingly legitimate institutions aren't immune. Tolentino cites the student loan system as a kind of scam, saddling young people with crushing debt based on often unrealistic promises of future earnings. In this environment, it becomes increasingly difficult to navigate the world without engaging in some level of deception or self-delusion.
The essay suggests that figures like Mark Zuckerberg and Donald Trump represent the apotheosis of the scammer mentality - individuals who have risen to the heights of wealth and power largely through audacious self-promotion and a willingness to bend the truth. Their success implicitly encourages others to adopt similar tactics.
Tolentino's analysis paints a somewhat bleak picture of a world where honesty and authenticity are at a disadvantage. When so many of our systems and institutions seem built on shaky foundations of hype and deception, it becomes harder to find stable ethical ground. The pressure to constantly perform and project success, amplified by social media, pushes people towards embellishment and exaggeration.
However, the essay also serves as a call to awareness. By clearly naming and examining these dynamics, Tolentino equips readers to better recognize and potentially resist the culture of grift. She suggests that understanding the prevalence of scams in modern life is a crucial first step in navigating this complex landscape with integrity.
While the era of the scam presents significant challenges, Tolentino's sharp analysis provides tools for seeing through the smoke and mirrors. Her essay encourages readers to question the narratives presented by institutions and individuals alike, and to remain skeptical of promises that seem too good to be true.
Sexual Violence and Institutional Failure
Tolentino delves into the pervasive issue of sexual violence on college campuses, using her alma mater, the University of Virginia (UVA), as a case study. She examines how even prestigious institutions have long histories of ignoring or downplaying sexual assault, reflecting broader societal attitudes.
The essay centers around a controversial 2014 Rolling Stone article that detailed an alleged gang rape at a UVA fraternity. While the specific story was later discredited due to journalistic errors, Tolentino argues that it sparked a necessary conversation about the prevalence of sexual violence on campuses.
She recounts earlier incidents at UVA, like the 1984 case of Liz Secura, a freshman who reported being gang-raped by fraternity members only to have her experience dismissed by the dean as a "rough night." Tolentino notes that prior to the Rolling Stone article, not a single UVA student had been expelled for sexual assault, despite numerous reports over the years.
This pattern of institutional failure is not unique to UVA. Tolentino argues that many universities are caught between maintaining a prestigious image and addressing the reality of widespread sexual abuse, particularly within Greek life systems. The tendency to prioritize reputation over student safety has allowed predatory behavior to continue largely unchecked.
While the Rolling Stone article was flawed, Tolentino credits it with opening the floodgates for more rigorous reporting on campus sexual assault. The public reaction to the story indicated a growing readiness to confront this issue. In its wake, more carefully vetted accounts of sexual violence at other universities came to light, painting a picture of a systemic problem rather than isolated incidents.
Tolentino's essay highlights the tension between the idealized image of college life and the darker realities many students face. She suggests that the prevalence of sexual violence on campuses is symptomatic of deeper cultural issues around gender, power, and consent that extend far beyond university grounds.
The controversy surrounding the Rolling Stone article also prompted important discussions about journalistic ethics and the challenges of reporting on sensitive topics like sexual assault. Tolentino notes that subsequent reporting, like the coverage of allegations against Bill Cosby, demonstrated a more careful and thorough approach while still centering survivors' voices.
By examining this complex issue, Tolentino illustrates how societal progress often comes in fits and starts. While the discredited Rolling Stone story was a setback in some ways, it ultimately contributed to bringing the issue of campus sexual assault into the national spotlight. Her analysis encourages readers to look beyond individual scandals to recognize the systemic nature of sexual violence and the institutional failures that enable it.
The essay serves as a call to action, suggesting that addressing sexual violence requires more than just policy changes at individual schools. It demands a broader cultural shift in how we understand consent, support survivors, and hold perpetrators accountable. Tolentino's nuanced take on this difficult subject provides a framework for engaging with these issues in a more informed and empathetic way.
Celebrity Feminism: Progress or Distraction?
Tolentino critically examines the recent trend of celebrating female celebrities as feminist icons, questioning whether this represents genuine progress or a dilution of feminist principles. She notes how women's magazines and popular media have reframed the narratives around various female celebrities to position them as empowering figures.
Examples include portraying Britney Spears as a sympathetic antiheroine who overcame the pressures of fame, Kim Kardashian as a savvy businesswoman challenging patriarchal norms through her sexuality, and Caitlyn Jenner as a groundbreaking LGBTQ activist. While these narratives often contain elements of truth, Tolentino argues that they oversimplify complex issues and set a low bar for feminist heroism.
The essay suggests that our culture has become overly focused on individual women's success stories at the expense of addressing systemic inequalities. Any woman who has achieved fame or success in the face of sexist criticism is now hailed as a feminist icon, regardless of her actual beliefs or actions. This broad definition of feminism risks rendering the term meaningless.
Tolentino points out the danger in conflating any criticism of a woman with anti-feminism, and any woman who receives criticism as inherently feminist. This logic can be used to defend even women who actively support sexist policies or institutions, as seen in attempts to portray members of the Trump administration as feminist trailblazers.
The essay also highlights how class and privilege factor into these celebrity narratives. Wealthy, famous women have significant advantages that most women lack, making their "empowerment" less universally applicable. Tolentino uses the example of Caitlyn Jenner's highly publicized transition, noting how her wealth and fame afforded her opportunities and protections unavailable to most transgender individuals.
By focusing on celebrity success stories, Tolentino argues that we risk losing sight of the broader feminist project of addressing structural inequalities. The struggles and triumphs of ordinary women are overshadowed by the glamorized narratives of a select few. This celebrity-centric approach to feminism can actually reinforce existing power structures rather than challenging them.
The essay encourages readers to think more critically about how we define and discuss feminism in popular culture. While representation and visibility are important, Tolentino suggests that true progress requires looking beyond individual success stories to address the systemic issues that affect women's lives.
She advocates for a more nuanced understanding of feminism that doesn't simply celebrate women in positions of power, but examines how that power is used and who benefits from it. By questioning the value of celebrity feminism, Tolentino pushes readers to consider what a more substantive and inclusive feminist movement might look like.
Ultimately, the essay serves as a reminder that feminist progress isn't measured by the success of a few exceptional women, but by improvements in the lives of women as a whole. It challenges readers to look beyond flashy headlines and carefully crafted public images to engage with the more complex realities of gender inequality in modern society.
Modern Marriage: Tradition or Industry?
Tolentino takes a critical look at the institution of marriage and the wedding industry, questioning the often-unexamined assumption that elaborate weddings are a beautiful, timeless tradition. Drawing on her experience attending dozens of weddings with her long-term partner, she explores the economic and social pressures surrounding modern marriage.
The essay traces the evolution of wedding customs, revealing how many practices we now consider traditional are actually relatively recent inventions driven by commercial interests. For instance, the white wedding dress only became popular after Queen Victoria's marriage in 1840, while engagement rings didn't become a widespread expectation until a successful marketing campaign by De Beers in the 1940s.
Tolentino highlights how the wedding industry has ballooned into an $11 billion behemoth, with the average American wedding now costing around $30,000. She catalogues the array of services now considered standard for many couples, from engagement photographers to social media consultants, illustrating how commercialization has transformed a once-simple ceremony into an extravagant production.
This commercialization, Tolentino argues, obscures the historical purpose of marriage as an economic arrangement. For much of history, marriage was primarily a financial transaction that often limited women's independence. She notes that as recently as 1974, American women needed their husband's signature to apply for a credit card.
While acknowledging that marriage has become more diverse and egalitarian in many ways, Tolentino points out persistent inequalities. For example, women still tend to face greater financial risks in divorce, often experiencing a significant drop in wealth while their ex-husbands' wealth increases.
The essay suggests that the emphasis on lavish weddings serves as a kind of misdirection, encouraging women to focus all their self-interest and personal expression into a single day rather than considering the long-term implications of marriage. This dynamic can pressure couples into conforming to traditional roles and expectations they might otherwise question.
Tolentino's analysis invites readers to think more critically about the social and economic forces shaping our ideas about marriage. By exposing the relatively recent origins of many "timeless" wedding traditions, she challenges the notion that elaborate ceremonies are necessary expressions of love and commitment.
The essay also touches on the broader implications of the wedding industry's growth, suggesting that it reflects and reinforces consumerist values in our most intimate relationships. The pressure to have a "perfect" wedding can create financial strain and emotional stress that may actually undermine the foundations of a healthy partnership.
While Tolentino doesn't argue against marriage or weddings altogether, her essay encourages couples to approach these institutions with greater awareness and intentionality. By understanding the commercial and historical context of wedding traditions, individuals can make more informed choices about how they want to celebrate their relationships and structure their lives together.
Ultimately, the essay serves as a reminder that even our most personal choices are shaped by larger cultural and economic forces. By examining these influences, we can potentially reclaim some agency in defining what marriage and commitment mean for ourselves.
Final Thoughts: Navigating a World of Trick Mirrors
In "Trick Mirror", Jia Tolentino offers a kaleidoscopic view of modern life, examining how various cultural forces shape our identities and perceptions. Through her essays, she reveals how phenomena like social media, reality TV, and even wedding traditions act as trick mirrors, reflecting back distorted images of ourselves and society.
Tolentino's analysis is particularly valuable in how it connects seemingly disparate topics to reveal larger patterns and systemic issues. Whether discussing the parallels between religious ecstasy and drug use, or exploring how beauty standards have shapeshifted under the guise of empowerment, she consistently pushes readers to look beyond surface-level explanations.
A key theme throughout the book is the tension between authenticity and performance in the digital age. Tolentino argues that social media and the broader attention economy have intensified the pressure to constantly curate and present idealized versions of ourselves. This dynamic extends beyond individuals to institutions and movements, as seen in her critiques of celebrity feminism and the commercialization of social causes.
Another recurring idea is the way in which capitalism co-opts and commodifies even our most personal experiences and identities. From the wedding industry to the wellness movement, Tolentino illustrates how market forces shape our desires and self-conception in often invisible ways.
The book doesn't offer easy solutions to the complex issues it raises. Instead, Tolentino encourages a kind of critical self-awareness, urging readers to examine their own beliefs and behaviors in the context of larger cultural trends. By understanding the trick mirrors that surround us, we may be better equipped to navigate their distortions.
"Trick Mirror" is ultimately a call for nuance and complexity in how we think about ourselves and our society. Tolentino resists simplistic narratives of progress or decline, instead highlighting the contradictions and ambiguities that define contemporary life. Her essays remind us that personal choices are always embedded in larger systems, and that true self-understanding requires grappling with these broader contexts.
For readers feeling overwhelmed by the chaos of modern life, Tolentino's incisive analysis offers a framework for making sense of it all. While the picture she paints isn't always optimistic, her sharp wit and genuine curiosity provide a model for engaging critically with the world without succumbing to cynicism.
In a cultural landscape often dominated by hot takes and easy answers, "Trick Mirror" stands out for its willingness to sit with discomfort and ambiguity. Tolentino's essays challenge readers to think more deeply about the forces shaping their lives and to question their own assumptions. By holding up these trick mirrors for examination, she invites us to see ourselves and our world more clearly, in all its messy, contradictory complexity.