What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew Summary

“Parenting a child with ADHD isn’t about changing who they are; it’s about supporting who they are meant to be.”

1. Understanding ADHD: A Brain Built Differently

ADHD is a biologically-rooted condition impacting the brain’s executive functions. These include skills like focus, emotional regulation, organization, and impulse control. The challenge for kids with ADHD isn’t disobedience—it's their brain's unique wiring. Parents often mistakenly conclude that their child is being lazy or irresponsible when, in reality, their brain struggles to process tasks the same way a neurotypical child’s brain might.

Executive functions like inhibition, task initiation, and working memory are commonly impaired in ADHD. Kids with this condition might interrupt conversations, lose their homework, or struggle with simple task transitions, not because they won’t do it, but because they can’t shift gears easily. It’s important to recognize these behaviors as neurological hurdles, not personal choices.

This understanding sets the foundation for parenting strategies based on empathy and collaboration. When parents grasp that their child’s brain doesn’t operate out of defiance but divergence, they can start focusing on teaching skills to accommodate and, over time, overcome these challenges.

Examples

• A child might forget their lunch repeatedly because their working memory struggles with retaining routine instructions.
• They may blurt out answers in class due to limited ability to inhibit their impulses.
• They might resist starting homework because organizing tasks feels overwhelming.

2. The Power of Parental Self-Control

Parents often face emotionally charged situations when addressing behavior, from tantrums to procrastinated schoolwork. The principle of self-control—the first of the 5 C's—teaches parents to regulate their own emotions. Parenting from a place of calm rather than anger sets the tone for productive resolutions. Kids learn by observation, so modeling calm behavior helps them grasp ways to regulate their own emotions.

For example, breathing techniques like chest breathing can help a parent pause, respond thoughtfully, and avoid escalating conflicts. It’s key that parents recognize their own "waves" of frustration and step back before reacting. Calmness doesn’t dilute firm boundaries; it communicates authority without hostility.

Practicing self-control also prevents misunderstandings. Parents like Andrea in the book learned to de-escalate situations with her daughter, Ella, by observing her own emotions and reapproaching the situation without blame or assumptions.

Examples

• A deep-breathing technique helps a father lower his voice when disciplining his teen.
• A mom notes her rising anxiety before calling out a child for forgotten chores and holds off responding immediately.
• An adult uses a self-soothing practice to feel better prepared to talk through their child’s school refusal calmly.

3. Compassion: Seeing from Their Perspective

Compassion means stepping into your child’s shoes and understanding their struggles, even when their actions seem poorly thought out or avoidant. It’s not about condoning behaviors but about setting judgments aside to explore what’s really driving them. Kids with ADHD often feel misunderstood or overwhelmed but struggle to articulate these feelings.

Rick, a father in the book, struggled when his son, Kevin, refused to take an advanced English class. When Rick listened compassionately, he uncovered Kevin’s anxiety: he feared disappointing his father and stressed over managing tougher subjects. Compassionate listening opened the door to a compromise—Kevin chose Honors Biology instead, aligning both interests and skills.

Empathy becomes a tool for collaboration rather than conflict. Through understanding, parents uncover challenges that kids themselves might not fully understand, creating a shared path forward.

Examples

• A child fears failure but hides it behind an “I don’t care” attitude. Compassionate talks reveal their underlying frustrations.
• A mom acknowledges how overstimulation affects her son rather than labeling him as “scatterbrained.”
• Parents help a teen adjust responsibilities at home after listening to how school stress leaves her drained.

4. Collaboration: Building Solutions Together

Children with ADHD receive corrections constantly—at home, at school, or in social settings. Collaboration turns these “you’re wrong”-laden interactions into joint problem-solving sessions. Involving kids in creating actionable plans helps them feel empowered and reduces resistance to routines.

For instance, parents of a ten-year-old struggling with transitioning off computer games explored her experience rather than dictating solutions. Together, they implemented a visual timer and transitioned smoothly by making table-setting into a game or race. Engaging both perspectives allowed them to co-create a system that worked without unnecessary conflict.

Collaborative efforts also build a child’s independence as they practice problem-solving and organizational skills, preparing them for life challenges.

Examples

• A teen helps brainstorm ways to organize loose class notes, taking ownership of the solution.
• Parents and children agree on reward systems for meeting weekly goals together.
• A child suggests adjustments (like a loud timer) to help fine-tune household routines collaboratively.

5. The Commitment to Consistency

Consistency isn’t about being harsh; it’s about following through on the agreed plans or rules. Children with ADHD thrive when they understand clear, fair boundaries. This consistency must also account for flexibility when those plans need adjustments.

Suppose a teenager agrees to clean their room before social outings. If the parent compromises by letting them leave without cleaning "just this once," they break the agreement's foundation. Sticking to what’s agreed shows your child you mean what you say and builds trust in the framework you've established.

When challenges arise, it’s okay to recalibrate. Consistency doesn’t equal perfection—it’s about demonstrating reliability over time, even after setbacks.

Examples

• A child diligently practices piano daily because their parent helps them revisit their routine every Sunday.
• An agreed family chore chart is visibly posted and reviewed for accountability.
• Mom and dad remind each other daily to stick to agreed rules about screen time.

6. Celebrate All Wins, Big or Small

Even minor victories deserve recognition because they reinforce positive behavior. ADHD children often internalize more negative feedback over their lives, making it especially important they hear what they’re doing right.

Acknowledging small actions, like completing homework independently, not only boosts motivation but also improves self-esteem. Specific praise is most effective, such as “You only needed two reminders to get on task this time—great work!”

This continuous focus on improvement vs. results keeps your child feeling encouraged. It ensures they don’t just dwell on failures but feel appreciated for growing attempts.

Examples

• Parents praise their son for managing to wake up on time four days in a row, even after an occasional slip.
• A teacher emails home about successful group participation, celebrated later at home with warm praise.
• Forgetting their lunch one day, a child still receives encouragement for keeping track the entire week beforehand.

Takeaways

1. Pause before reacting in stressful situations, using techniques like deep breathing to refocus your response.
2. Have solution-building conversations with your child instead of automatically enforcing rules, listening and adjusting where necessary.
3. Encourage your ADHD child daily by acknowledging their efforts and improvements, even when progress feels small.