Why Does He Do That? Summary

“What is it about me that sets him off?” is a question many women ask, unaware that this self-blame is often the result of manipulation within an abusive relationship.

1. Abuse Comes in Many Forms

Abuse is not limited to physical violence; it spans a wide range of behaviors, including emotional manipulation, verbal degradation, and psychological control. Emotional abuse—like constant insults or humiliations—can be as damaging as physical violence, leaving long-term scars on the victim’s psyche. Physical abuse, while more visible, often goes hand in hand with these psychological tactics.

In abusive relationships, the abuser’s behavior pushes the victim to question her self-worth, just as Kristen did in her relationship with Maury. His constant accusations and mood shifts caused her significant emotional harm, even though he never physically harmed her. This reflects how emotional abuse can erode someone’s confidence and mental health over time, regardless of physical violence.

Studies support the devastating effects of abuse: a quarter of female suicide attempts in the U.S. stem from partner abuse. Additionally, partner violence is a significant cause of substance abuse among adult women. Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or both, it severely impacts the victim's overall well-being.

Examples

• Kristen blamed herself for Maury’s manipulative mood swings and verbal insults.
• Emotional abuse contributed to many women struggling with long-term mental health issues.
• U.S. statistics show that millions of women experience partner violence every year.

2. Control and Entitlement Drive Abusers

An abuser’s need for control and a deep-seated sense of entitlement are at the core of his behavior. These beliefs allow him to justify his actions, no matter how destructive they might be. Through control, he assumes power over his partner’s life, while entitlement feeds his belief that any resistance is an act of defiance that must be punished.

Glenn, for example, tore up his wife’s long-prepared college paper because she decided to leave with their child for a weekend. He showed no remorse, believing his retaliation would teach her a lesson. This mindset reflects how entitlement warps an abuser’s moral framework.

Such values often extend to limiting a partner’s freedom by controlling her choices—like whom she talks to or what she wears. These behaviors stem from an entrenched belief that the partner "belongs" to the abuser, which leads to destructive and often violent consequences.

Examples

• Glenn destroyed his wife’s work as an act of revenge and felt justified.
• Another man controlled his wife’s interactions, even forcing her to change clothes he didn’t approve of.
• Ten percent of male psychology students surveyed felt hitting a partner was acceptable if sex was refused.

3. Abuse Is Learned Early

Abusive men aren't born; they are shaped by early experiences and environments. Many abusive behaviors stem from observing or experiencing violence and manipulation at a young age. Boys who see their fathers treat women as subservient or witness their mothers being mistreated often internalize these dynamics.

Almost 50% of abusive men have grown up in homes where their father or male guardian was abusive to their mother. These boys learn to associate masculinity with dominance and control. Media also reinforces such behaviors, often glamorizing or normalizing violence against women, such as in music or movies.

Take Eminem’s song “Kim,” which veils violence against women in entertainment. Such cultural influences, combined with family dynamics, deeply embed patterns of control and suppression toward women, setting the stage for future abuse.

Examples

• Boys who see their father verbally degrade their mother often mimic similar behaviors in adulthood.
• Nearly half of all abusive men come from violent households.
• Popular media, like Eminem’s lyrics in “Kim,” normalizes acts of violence against women, influencing societal perceptions.

4. Early Charm Masks Abusive Tendencies

At the beginning of a relationship, abusive men often seem kind, caring, and attentive. This charm can not only win over their partners but can also mask the underlying aggression that emerges later. After the initial phase, abusers gradually reveal their controlling and aggressive sides, creating turmoil and fear that prevent their partners from leaving.

Fran, for instance, was shy and sweet when Barbara first met him. Soon, his possessiveness became apparent, exploding into jealous rages and culminating in physical aggression. His unpredictable behavior kept Barbara off-balance and unable to recognize the pattern until it was too late.

This facade is a manipulation tactic. By blending moments of tenderness with aggression, abusers ensure their partners remain emotionally hooked and feel responsible for the abuser’s outbursts.

Examples

• Fran’s initial kindness faded, giving way to jealousy and physical violence.
• Abusers oscillate between angry tirades and affectionate gestures to confuse their partners.
• Women often struggle to leave abusive relationships due to misplaced hope of change.

5. Subtle Signs of Abuse Appear Early

Abuse often begins with small, seemingly insignificant behaviors—making it difficult to recognize at first. Disrespectful remarks, excessive possessiveness, and unwarranted acts of “generosity” can all be early red flags. Over time, these can escalate into controlling, disrespectful, and abusive patterns.

When Alan began helping Tory’s family with tasks like fixing her brother’s car, it seemed generous. But this generosity quickly turned into manipulation, as Alan later used these deeds to isolate Tory from her family. Subtle control grew into open disrespect.

One of the earliest indicators to watch for is how someone speaks about past partners. Extreme disdain or victim-blaming hints at someone who may use these tactics in a future relationship.

Examples

• Alan cut Tory off from her family by twisting his prior acts of kindness.
• Disparaging ex-partners can signal an abuser's mindset.
• Rushed intensity in relationships can be an attempt to claim ownership over the partner.

6. Escaping Abuse Requires Quick Action

Many women hesitate to leave an abusive relationship, hoping things will improve. Unfortunately, staying often leads to escalating aggression, which could turn physical. Waiting for things to get worse only makes leaving harder and more dangerous.

Threats like “You’ll see what happens if you push me” often foreshadow physical violence. Intimidation, even without direct contact—such as throwing objects or pounding fists—indicates danger. The window of opportunity to leave safely closes fast as control and violence tighten.

Acting sooner rather than later can save victims from drawn-out emotional damage and potential physical harm.

Examples

• Threats are typical precursors to physical violence.
• Signs like door-pounding or breaking objects are warnings of escalation.
• Women who delay leaving their partners face increasing risks over time.

7. A Safety Plan Is Essential

Leaving an abusive partner isn’t simply a decision; it requires careful planning for safety. Safety plans involve staying vigilant while still living with the abuser and protecting oneself after the relationship ends.

This can include setting up emergency code words with friends and family or planning a route to leave the house during dangerous situations. Hiding essential documents and spare keys ensures victims can leave quickly if the situation escalates. After leaving, additional actions, like changing locks and notifying trusted contacts, help reduce risks.

Taking these precautions can mean the difference between safety and harm during and after leaving an abuser.

Examples

• Keep emergency documents hidden and accessible.
• Warn friends, neighbors, and police after leaving an abusive partner.
• Developing escape routes from the house is essential in crisis situations.

8. Abusers Rarely Change

The process of personal change in abusers is long, and many resist fully confronting their behaviors. Even with therapy or interventions, most abusers cling to excuses and shift blame. True change requires deep recognition of the harm inflicted and a genuine commitment toward respectful behavior.

Van’s story illustrates this reluctance. Despite showing promise early in therapy, he reverted to abusive tendencies when he realized his partner Gail was permanently leaving him. Such backslides demonstrate how difficult it is for abusive men to sustain change.

For partners, the promise of reform often becomes a manipulative tactic designed to lure them back into the relationship. Trust should be earned over extended periods, not through grand declarations.

Examples

• Van reverted to abuse months after showing progress in therapy.
• Genuine change demands taking responsibility without conditions.
• False promises of change often keep women trapped in abusive cycles.

9. Abuse Erodes Confidence and Freedom

Humiliation, degradation, and manipulation destroy a victim’s sense of self-worth. Abusers often isolate their partners, severing their connections with loved ones and making them feel dependent. This loss of freedom traps victims, making it even harder to leave.

Barbara felt confused and fearful in her relationship with Fran. His jealousy twisted her actions to seem like betrayals, leaving her increasingly isolated. Abusers exploit this confusion to maintain control, ensuring their partners feel incapable of leaving.

Rebuilding confidence after abuse is vital, as it helps victims regain their independence and recognize the patterns that led to their victimization.

Examples

• Abusers isolate their partners from family and friends to maintain control.
• Self-blame often keeps women trapped in abusive relationships.
• Re-establishing self-esteem after leaving is an important part of recovery.

Takeaways

1. Learn to recognize early signs of controlling or abusive behavior—for instance, excessive generosity or disrespectful language about others.
2. If you suspect abuse, act proactively by creating and executing a safety plan before it escalates.
3. Don’t rely on your abuser to change; focus on rebuilding your own confidence and independence after leaving the relationship.