Introduction
In 2013, psychotherapist Amy Morin found herself at her lowest point in life. Having lost her mother and husband, and then learning that her new father-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer, she was close to breaking. In an effort to cope, she sat down and wrote a letter to herself, listing 13 things that mentally strong people don't do. This list, which she later shared on her blog, went viral and reached 50 million people. A year later, it became a best-selling book translated into 40 languages.
"13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" is a guide to overcoming self-defeating thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that hold us back from living the life we want. Through real-life examples and practical advice, Morin shows us how to develop mental strength and resilience in the face of life's challenges.
1. Mentally strong people replace self-pity with gratitude
Self-pity is a common but destructive habit that can trap us in a cycle of negativity. When we feel sorry for ourselves, we tend to exaggerate our problems and overlook the positive aspects of our lives. This mindset can be incredibly self-destructive, wasting our time and energy while training our minds to focus solely on the negatives.
Morin illustrates this concept with a story of two drivers involved in a minor parking lot accident. One driver reacts with relief that no one was hurt, while the other bemoans his bad luck. This example highlights how our perspective can dramatically affect our experience of the same situation.
To combat self-pity, Morin suggests cultivating gratitude. This powerful antidote can shift our focus from what's going wrong to what's going right in our lives. Some practical ways to develop gratitude include:
- Keeping a gratitude journal
- Writing down at least one thing you're grateful for each day
- Sharing your gratitude with others verbally
By consciously practicing gratitude, we can train our minds to notice the positive aspects of our lives, even in challenging situations. This shift in perspective is a crucial step towards developing mental strength.
2. Mentally strong people hold onto their power and forgive others
Giving away our power to others is another habit that can significantly hinder our mental strength. This often manifests as allowing other people's actions or words to control our emotions and behaviors. Morin uses the example of Lauren, a mother who struggles with her overbearing mother-in-law, to illustrate this point.
Lauren's situation is common: she allows her mother-in-law's criticism and unannounced visits to affect her mood and family time. Instead of addressing the issue, Lauren internalizes her frustration, spending hours ruminating and complaining about her mother-in-law.
To reclaim our power, Morin suggests:
- Recognizing when we're giving our power away
- Setting clear, respectful boundaries
- Communicating our needs effectively
In Lauren's case, she and her husband decided to set boundaries with her mother-in-law, such as scheduling regular dinner visits instead of allowing unannounced drop-ins. They also asked her to refrain from criticizing Lauren's parenting style.
Forgiveness is another crucial aspect of holding onto our power. By forgiving others, we free ourselves from the negative emotions that can control us. It's important to remember that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning harmful behavior, but rather choosing to let go of resentment for our own well-being.
3. Mentally strong people are always ready to embrace change
Change is an inevitable part of life, but many people struggle to adapt when faced with new situations or challenges. Morin uses the example of Richard, who was diagnosed with diabetes and told he needed to lose weight. Despite his initial determination to make drastic changes, Richard quickly fell back into old habits and failed to lose any weight.
The key to successfully embracing change lies in approaching it strategically rather than attempting to overhaul our entire lives at once. Mentally strong people understand this and take a more measured approach to change. Here are some strategies Morin recommends:
- Break down large goals into smaller, more manageable steps
- Create concrete, actionable plans
- Focus on incremental progress rather than dramatic transformations
For Richard, this meant setting a more realistic initial goal of losing five pounds instead of 75. He also created a specific plan that included keeping a food journal, preparing his own lunches, and scheduling regular exercise.
By making change less intimidating and more achievable, we can build the confidence and momentum needed to make lasting improvements in our lives.
4. Mentally strong people don't get distracted by things they can't control
One of the biggest obstacles to mental strength is wasting energy on things beyond our control. Morin illustrates this with the story of James, a divorced father who becomes upset when he learns his ex-wife took their daughter on a whale-watching trip before he could.
James's reaction is common: he tries to control his ex-wife's behavior through angry text messages, ultimately ruining his own time with his daughter. This tendency to focus on uncontrollable factors can lead to frustration, stress, and a sense of powerlessness.
To develop a more balanced sense of control, mentally strong people:
- Acknowledge what they can and cannot change
- Focus their energy on factors within their control
- Make the best of their circumstances
For James, this meant accepting that he couldn't control his ex-wife's actions and instead concentrating on making the most of his time with his daughter. By shifting his focus to what he could control – his own behavior and attitude – James was able to improve his relationship with his daughter and reduce his stress levels.
5. Always wanting to please others doesn't work, and being ready to sometimes displease makes you stronger
People-pleasing is a common habit that can severely undermine our mental strength. Morin introduces us to Megan, who finds herself constantly stressed due to her inability to say no to others' requests. This tendency to prioritize others' needs over our own can lead to burnout, resentment, and damaged relationships.
To overcome the people-pleasing habit, Morin suggests:
- Remembering that it's not our job to make everyone happy all the time
- Recognizing that it's okay for others to feel disappointed or upset
- Taking time to consider requests before responding
Megan learned to use a simple script when asked for favors: "Thanks for asking. Let me check my calendar and get back to you." This gave her time to consider whether she really wanted to say yes, making it easier to decline when necessary.
By setting boundaries and sometimes saying no, we can better manage our time and energy, leading to healthier relationships and improved mental well-being.
6. Mentally strong people are not afraid of taking calculated risks
Many people avoid taking risks due to fear of failure or uncertainty. Morin uses the example of Dale, who dreams of opening his own furniture store but is afraid to leave his stable teaching job. This fear of risk-taking can lead to feelings of regret and unfulfillment.
Mentally strong people, however, understand the importance of taking calculated risks. They approach risk-taking in two steps:
- Assessing the potential dangers and benefits realistically
- Finding ways to adjust the risks involved
For Dale, this meant starting his furniture business on a part-time basis while keeping his teaching job. He began by selling his creations online, with the option to open a physical store later if successful. This approach allowed him to pursue his dream while minimizing the financial risk.
By taking calculated risks, we open ourselves up to new opportunities and personal growth, essential components of mental strength.
7. Coming to terms with the past makes you stronger, but it takes concrete steps to do so
Dwelling on the past can significantly hinder our mental strength and personal growth. Morin introduces us to Gloria, whose guilt over past parenting mistakes leads her to enable her adult daughter's self-destructive behavior. This illustrates how being stuck in the past can prevent us from making healthy decisions in the present.
To move forward and strengthen our mental resilience, Morin suggests:
- Accepting that we cannot change the past
- Forgiving ourselves and others for past mistakes
- Intentionally shifting our focus to the present and future
Practical steps to achieve this include:
- Replacing thoughts about past events with plans for the future
- Setting new goals to focus on
- Practicing mindfulness to stay present
By learning to let go of the past and focus on the present and future, we can build mental strength and make better decisions in our current circumstances.
8. Mentally strong people avoid repeating the same mistakes, and this requires self-discipline
Learning from our mistakes is crucial for personal growth and mental strength. Morin shares the story of Rowland Macy, who learned from his initial business failure and went on to create one of the world's largest department store chains. This example illustrates the importance of studying our mistakes and applying those lessons to future endeavors.
To avoid repeating mistakes, Morin recommends:
- Reflecting on what went wrong
- Identifying what could have been done better
- Determining how to approach similar situations differently in the future
However, knowing what to do differently is only half the battle. Implementing these changes requires self-discipline. Morin offers three methods to cultivate self-discipline:
- Keep your eyes on the goal, visualizing how great it will feel to achieve it
- Make a list of past mistakes you don't want to repeat and refer to it when tempted
- Create obstacles that make it harder to repeat mistakes (e.g., leaving your credit card at home to avoid overspending)
By learning from our mistakes and developing self-discipline, we can continuously improve and strengthen our mental resilience.
9. Mentally strong people don't envy other people's success but rather seek to collaborate with them
Envy and resentment towards others' success can be significant obstacles to mental strength. Morin references a study showing how social media can negatively impact life satisfaction due to constant exposure to others' seemingly perfect lives. This tendency to compare ourselves unfavorably to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness.
To combat these negative emotions, mentally strong people:
- Gain clarity about their own definition of success
- Focus on collaboration rather than competition
- Learn from others' successes instead of resenting them
Morin suggests that often, our resentment stems from our own insecurities or lack of clear goals. By defining what success means to us personally, we can avoid being swayed by others' achievements that may not align with our own values or aspirations.
Shifting from a competitive mindset to a collaborative one can also help alleviate feelings of envy. Instead of viewing others' success as a threat, we can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. For example, instead of resenting a financially successful sibling, we could ask them for advice and learn from their experiences.
10. Mentally strong people don't give up easily, and they are self-compassionate about failure
Resilience in the face of failure is a key characteristic of mental strength. Morin uses the example of Thomas Edison, who viewed his many "failed" inventions as learning opportunities rather than defeats. This perspective allowed him to persist until he achieved success with the light bulb.
To develop this resilience, Morin suggests:
- Challenging unhealthy beliefs about success and failure
- Recognizing that practice and perseverance often trump natural talent
- Practicing self-compassion when facing challenges or setbacks
It's important to remember that success often comes after multiple attempts and failures. Giving up too easily can prevent us from reaching our full potential. At the same time, being too hard on ourselves can lead to discouragement and resignation.
Self-compassion is key in maintaining motivation and resilience. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend facing similar challenges. This approach can help you maintain a realistic view of your abilities and potential, encouraging you to keep trying even when things get tough.
11. Mentally strong people are comfortable being alone and use meditation to become more resilient
Many people struggle with being alone, constantly seeking distraction or company to avoid facing their thoughts. Morin introduces us to Vanessa, a successful real estate agent who has difficulty falling asleep due to racing thoughts. This discomfort with solitude can prevent us from recharging and developing important self-reflection skills.
Mentally strong people understand the value of alone time and use it to their advantage. To become more comfortable with solitude, Morin suggests:
- Scheduling regular alone time and treating it as important as any other appointment
- Finding enjoyable solitary activities that promote self-reflection (e.g., journaling)
- Practicing meditation and mindfulness to quiet the mind
Research shows that developing solitary skills correlates with increased mental well-being, life satisfaction, and better stress management. By learning to be comfortable alone, we can recharge our batteries and develop a stronger sense of self.
Meditation and mindfulness practices are particularly effective tools for developing mental strength. They help us quiet our minds, manage stress, and gain perspective on our thoughts and emotions. For Vanessa, incorporating meditation into her evening routine helped slow her racing thoughts and improve her sleep quality.
12. Many people have an entitlement mentality, but strong people concentrate on giving rather than taking
An sense of entitlement can be a significant barrier to mental strength. Morin introduces us to Lucas, a recent college graduate who believes he deserves a leadership position despite his lack of experience. This attitude not only hinders his professional growth but also alienates his coworkers.
To overcome an entitlement mentality, Morin recommends:
- Becoming aware of entitled thoughts and attitudes
- Practicing humility and acknowledging our own weaknesses
- Being open to feedback and criticism
It's important to recognize that entitlement often manifests in subtle ways, such as believing rules don't apply to us or that we inherently deserve better treatment than others. By acknowledging our imperfections and remaining open to learning from others, we can develop a more balanced and realistic view of ourselves and our place in the world.
Shifting focus from what we believe we deserve to what we can contribute can lead to greater satisfaction and success. By adopting an attitude of giving rather than taking, we not only improve our relationships with others but also develop a stronger sense of self-worth based on our actions rather than our expectations.
13. Mentally strong people recognize that achievements take time and that progress isn't always immediately apparent
In our fast-paced world, many people expect instant results and quick fixes. Morin introduces us to Marcy, who becomes frustrated when self-help books and therapy sessions don't immediately solve her problems. This impatience can lead to giving up on important goals or personal growth efforts prematurely.
Mentally strong people understand that meaningful change and achievement often require sustained effort over time. To develop this long-term perspective, Morin suggests:
- Creating realistic expectations about the time and effort required to reach goals
- Breaking large goals into smaller, manageable milestones
- Celebrating small victories along the way
It's important to recognize that progress isn't always immediately apparent. Some of life's most significant achievements – such as educational accomplishments, career advancements, or personal growth – often come after years of consistent effort and perseverance.
To maintain motivation during long-term pursuits, try to create moments of accomplishment by setting and achieving smaller, short-term objectives. Celebrate these milestones to energize yourself for the overall journey. Remember that the ability to delay gratification and persist in the face of challenges is a hallmark of mental strength.
Final Thoughts
"13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" offers a comprehensive guide to developing mental resilience and overcoming self-defeating habits. By addressing these common pitfalls, we can cultivate a stronger, more adaptable mindset that enables us to face life's challenges with confidence and grace.
Key takeaways from the book include:
- Replace self-pity with gratitude
- Maintain personal power and set healthy boundaries
- Embrace change with a strategic approach
- Focus on what you can control
- Balance pleasing others with self-care
- Take calculated risks
- Let go of the past and focus on the present and future
- Learn from mistakes and practice self-discipline
- Collaborate rather than compete with others
- Persist in the face of failure and practice self-compassion
- Embrace solitude and use meditation to build resilience
- Overcome entitlement and focus on giving
- Recognize that meaningful achievements take time
By implementing these principles in our daily lives, we can develop the mental strength necessary to overcome obstacles, achieve our goals, and lead more fulfilling lives. Remember that building mental strength is an ongoing process that requires consistent effort and practice. With time and dedication, we can all become mentally stronger and better equipped to handle life's challenges.