Big Feelings

Big feelings are like water; you can dam them or divert them, but they’ll always find a way through. The key is learning to let them flow in a way that moves you forward.

1. The Pain of Uncertainty

Uncertainty can feel like a weight on your chest, making it harder to breathe. Research shows that the unpredictability of a situation often feels worse than knowing something bad is definitely coming. Liz, one of the authors, experienced this firsthand when mysterious migraines left her in pain and without answers. This torment from not knowing made her migraines even harder to bear.

When faced with uncertainty, avoidance often feels like a safe refuge. People might distract themselves with minor tasks or simply spiral into catastrophizing. But the book stresses not avoiding it. Instead, allow the feeling in, clearly define your specific fears, and outline the best-case and worst-case scenarios. Doing this gives clarity and reduces the overwhelm brought on by uncertainty.

Take control where you can and learn to accept what you can't. Liz eventually reached a point of acceptance by addressing her migraines without panicking over unclear answers. She found ways to manage the pain while recognizing that she might never get full clarity. Acceptance helped her move forward without surrendering to despair.

Examples

• A study found people stressed three times more over a 50% chance of shock than a 90% certainty.
• Liz endured debilitating anxiety when uncertain about her migraines but calmed once plotting scenarios.
• Counting to 90 during panic reduces immediate emotional intensity.

2. Comparison is Natural but Manageable

We all compare ourselves to others. Whether it’s through social media or real-life interactions, comparing can spark envy and self-doubt. Mollie, the other coauthor, felt this when her friend Vanessa became pregnant while she struggled with a different path. The envy drove distance into their friendship until Mollie faced what she truly felt.

Instead of suppressing envy, the book suggests addressing it head-on. Ask yourself—what exactly do you envy? Do you genuinely want what the other person has, or do you just like the idea of it? Sometimes envy reveals aspirations you’ve ignored. But other times it highlights illusions, like assuming someone else’s life is perfect because of curated social media snapshots.

Comparison isn’t always bad—it can be productive. For example, noticing someone’s path might inspire you to set your own goals or recalibrate your priorities. Acknowledging your envy can help foster personal growth. And remember: everyone walks at their own pace. It’s okay to be on different timelines.

Examples

• Liz envied a peer’s senior manager role, but realized she’d hate managing people.
• Social media often shows idealized snippets of life, enhancing FOMO.
• Mollie’s candid discussion with Vanessa revived their friendship.

3. Embracing Anger

Anger is often misunderstood, dismissed as a harmful or negative emotion. But righteous anger, if used wisely, can serve as a powerful motivator. Griffin’s experience of workplace harassment initially triggered shame, but processing it with friends transformed it into justified anger that helped him recognize something had to change.

Anger becomes harmful when it’s repressed, bottled up, or impulsively lashed out. The book highlights the concept of "anger transformers"—people who channel their anger into purposeful action or creativity. Identify what triggers your anger and assess whether it stems from deeper issues or larger societal wrongs.

Meditation and cooling-off periods help manage it in healthier ways, ensuring rational responses rather than knee-jerk reactions. When harnessed correctly, anger can clarify priorities and fuel decisions that align with your values.

Examples

• Griffin left a toxic company after being harassed, instead of hiding his anger or exploding.
• Journaling anger triggers—or an "anger log"—highlights patterns.
• Liz describes anger as water: it’ll find an outlet no matter what.

4. Spotting Burnout

Burnout doesn’t just make you exhausted. It changes how you interact with others, how your body feels, and how you see your work. Mollie’s packed travel schedule and dual careers led her to physical sickness, anxiety, and ultimately rethinking her fast-paced lifestyle.

Burnout is an alarm bell, signaling you’re overextending yourself and need to reevaluate. It can result from too many hours, meaningless work, or feeling unappreciated. The authors suggest adjusting to small, sustainable changes—like operating at 80% capacity rather than overworking to 100%.

Check in with your values. Which tasks, projects, or commitments truly reflect what you care about most? Consider what makes current efforts feel unrewarding. By refocusing energy only on what matters and making room for rest, recovery from living on the edge of burnout becomes possible.

Examples

• Mollie moved to LA for more balance and dropped "perfectionist" habits like strict gym schedules.
• Physicians exhausted by pandemic hours report lowest job satisfaction seen in years.
• Allocating 20% downtime has been shown to vastly improve productivity.

5. The Trap of Perfectionism

Perfectionism often masquerades as a virtue—but it’s more of a snag in your mental health. Liz realized this when she panicked at the thought of someone seeing her messy apartment while sick. Her perfectionism caused unnecessary stress rather than adding value.

Perfectionists can become paralyzed by their own standards, weakening their progress or mental well-being. The book advises rethinking the relationship between failure and success. Failures don’t detract from success; they build toward it. Instead of fretting over errors, view them as stepping-stones.

To quiet the perfectionist in your head, separate yourself from it. Give that voice a name and recognize when it’s setting unrealistic bars. And remember that your friends value your kindness or sense of humor, not your spotless kitchen.

Examples

• Liz’s husband loved her despite her mess; perfectionism failed to add security.
• Perfectionism often delays or derails projects when people overthink outcomes.
• Naming overcritical tendencies (e.g., "Voldemort") helps create emotional distance.

6. Getting Through Despair

Despair convinces you there’s no way out, but time—and the small actions within it—can bring relief. Mollie almost ended her life during a painful time, but little by little, she found small pockets of light: support from her husband, a vibrant book club, and gradual external shifts.

The book suggests focusing moment-to-moment rather than trying to "fix" despair quickly. Simple comforts like warm baths, junk food, or lighthearted movies might seem unproductive but offer temporary shelter. Gradual recovery isn’t failure; it’s progress worth celebrating.

Surround yourself with kinds of people who truly understand. Not all advice or sympathy is equally helpful. Steer toward empathy and avoid those who dismiss or misunderstand your struggles.

Examples

• Mollie leaned on her husband’s understanding during her toughest moments.
• Breaking time into manageable chunks, rather than days/weeks, prevents overwhelm.
• Talking to a nonjudgmental friend can be more uplifting than broad counsel.

7. Learning from Regret

Regrets remind us we’re human. Liz regretted declining her mom’s invitation to clean out her grandmother’s house, a decision driven by career priorities. Long after, that nagging "what if" feeling stayed with her.

Regret serves as a learning experience—imagining alternate pasts can help spot patterns or avoid future choices we might lament. But it shouldn’t spiral into constant guilt. Remember: you made choices with the knowledge or values you held at the time.

Reframe your regrets by balancing hindsight with gratefulness for the person you’ve become. Liz didn’t repeat past mistakes when facing another family crisis. Instead, she acted quickly, visiting her dad during his health scare without hesitation.

Examples

• Hindsight bias enforces guilt over things where decisions still felt reasonable then.
• Alternate paths often ignore drawbacks or tradeoffs real choices entail.
• Liz’s later quick choice to fly to her father showed embraced growth over earlier regrets.

Takeaways

1. When big emotions strike, first acknowledge their presence rather than resisting. Journaling or speaking aloud can start the reflection process.
2. Reframe problems like envy, burnout, or anger as signals inviting change, rather than walls to endure. What could your feelings be asking you to rethink?
3. Seek small victories when feeling overwhelmed. Whether it’s a brief jog, finishing a task, or even laughing at memes, tiny wins help restore optimism.