Brave, Not Perfect

"What would you do if you weren’t afraid of failing?" Reshma Saujani invites us to stop chasing perfection and start embracing bravery.

1. Girls are raised to seek perfection, not bravery

From a young age, societal norms inspire girls to please others and avoid risks, shaping a mindset centered on perfection. Unlike boys, who are encouraged to take leaps and embrace failure, girls are steered toward being agreeable and fitting into a mold of perfection.

The difference starts early. Studies reveal that adults often project assumptions about gender onto babies. For instance, in a study where infants dressed in neutral clothing showed emotions, adults assumed happy babies were girls and upset ones were boys. This bias feeds into a larger narrative that discourages girls from stepping out of the comfort zone or voicing dissatisfaction.

This perpetuates into adulthood. In a research study involving a lemonade stand, boys openly expressed disgust when they tasted salted lemonade, while girls, in an effort to avoid offending the researchers, kept drinking it. The unspoken rule? It’s better to keep others comfortable than speak up.

Examples

• Adults interpreted crying gender-neutral-dressed babies as "male" and happy ones as "female."
• Girls continued politely drinking salty lemonade in a study to avoid disappointing researchers.
• Boys, encouraged to explore and fail, are seen as braver from childhood.

2. Perfectionism holds women back

Striving for perfection comes at a cost, leaving many women stuck in roles they don't love or unable to tackle challenges head-on. Unlike men, who often prioritize progress over flawlessness, women frequently feel the pull to present themselves perfectly before taking a step forward.

Reshma Saujani experienced this firsthand when she pursued a life she thought was ideal – law school, a prestigious job, and a perfect outward image – only to realize she was miserable. Deciding to chase her public service dreams, she ran for Congress but failed spectacularly. Despite the failure, the experience unveiled a truth: chasing faultlessness blinds women to the opportunities bravery can bring.

This societal pressure intensifies in public spaces. Even Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign underscored how women are disproportionately judged on appearances. Clinton herself noted that her male opponent could "roll out of bed and into a suit," while she devoted hours to ensuring her look was unassailable.

Examples

• Reshma Saujani abandoned a perfect corporate career to run for Congress, failing but learning bravery.
• Women like Clinton face intense scrutiny not just in performance but appearance.
• Perfectionism may improve grades in school but doesn’t prepare for real-world challenges.

3. Bravery is a universal skill, not a male trait

Contrary to old stereotypes, bravery isn’t tucked away in the DNA of men alone. It’s a human quality, and women have consistently proven their ability to be bold—even in the toughest circumstances.

Sharon, a friend of the author, demonstrated immense courage by leaving a 25-year marriage to come out of the closet as a lesbian. This decision represented a break from long-standing societal expectations. Similarly, the author’s babysitter, Audrey, showcased bravery when fighting breast cancer and emerged as a survivor.

Reshma herself faced backlash after refusing a political event celebrating Trump’s tech investment due to his anti-immigration policies. To her surprise, support poured in as her organization received a donation boost from individuals who admired her brave stance.

Examples

• Sharon came out and rebuilt her life after 25 years in a traditional marriage.
• Audrey bravely fought and survived breast cancer.
• Reshma took a stand against Trump’s policies despite the risks to her professional reputation.

4. Bravery can be learned and practiced

Bravery isn’t something you’re born with; it’s something you can develop through deliberate effort. Women can form new habits to escape the cycle of perfectionism, one small courageous act at a time.

The first step is maintaining mental and physical health. Women who are constantly juggling responsibilities are often too exhausted to embrace bold actions. Self-care, like getting enough sleep and exercising, ensures you have the stamina to step out of your comfort zone.

Next, take daily bravery challenges. Speak up in meetings, even if your idea isn’t perfectly fleshed out. Over time, small acts of courage accumulate, making audacious steps more natural.

Examples

• Prioritize sleep and fitness to ensure you enter each day full of energy.
• Push yourself to voice an opinion in meetings, even if it’s met with silence.
• Request feedback regularly to embrace improvement and growth through constructive criticism.

5. Sisterhood strengthens bravery

Women supporting women leads to incredible outcomes. When women empower one another, they build trust, courage, and collective power. The “bitch culture” of gossip and toxicity can break this connection, but solidarity can counter it.

Consider Shalane Flanagan’s effect on women’s long-distance running. Her support for her teammates created an atmosphere where everyone thrived, leading to her 2017 triumph as the first American woman to win the NYC Marathon in 40 years. This win lifted not just her spirit but ignited bravery across her team.

Even simple acts, like standing up for a woman belittled with a sexist comment, build the foundation of these valuable connections.

Examples

• Shalane Flanagan inspired her team to thrive together, fostering world-class runners.
• Speaking up against unfair treatment of colleagues strengthens bonds.
• Building trust within all-female networks shifts away from harmful gossip culture.

6. Failure is part of success and should be celebrated

Bravery means risking failure, and failure often ends up being the gateway to meaningful learning. After falling short, the author advises celebrating your efforts instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Saujani herself faced failure when losing her Congressional race, but instead of giving up, she started Girls Who Code. The author highlights the importance of reviewing missteps to gain insight so future endeavors can be approached strategically.

The final step is readjusting. Remember why you started in the first place and use that inner drive to chart a new path forward. Failure is an opportunity to realign with your core goals.

Examples

• Failing in politics propelled Saujani to create Girls Who Code.
• Athletes often use defeats to identify weaknesses and return stronger.
• Job interview rejections offer lessons to better prepare for future opportunities.

7. Bravery helps women overcome workplace challenges

Standing up to harassment and unfair treatment at work is one area where bravery is essential. Covering up insecurities with a “perfect exterior” isn’t enough when tackling systemic problems like sexism.

For example, the bravery of the ##MeToo movement empowered women worldwide to openly discuss workplace harassment. This collective courage has sparked changes in how industries handle complaints by creating accountability systems.

Breaking taboos about speaking out unveils strength many women didn’t realize they had all along.

Examples

• The ##MeToo movement unveiled global patterns of workplace harassment.
• Whistleblowers bravely expose toxic behaviors in their companies despite personal risks.
• Open discussion of unfair policies spurs workplace reform.

8. Representation matters in bravery too

Society still teaches that public examples of bravery mostly involve men. Highlighting women stepping into bold roles changes that narrative and inspires others.

From astronauts to activists, showcasing brave women’s stories gives younger generations a roadmap. Organizations like Girls Who Code amplify these examples, teaching kids to reject imposed limits on what girls can achieve.

Representation helps girls understand that bravery isn’t the exception—it’s the goal.

Examples

• Girls Who Code features stories to encourage diverse participation.
• Historical trailblazers like Rosa Parks redefine courage.
• Modern movements ensure wide visibility of women leaders.

9. Bravery shapes new generations of thinkers

Teaching bravery to girls has far-reaching implications for future generations. Encouraging risk-taking helps them grow into adult leaders unafraid of failures.

Schools and parents can reframe mistakes as stepping stones, not disasters. By celebrating curiosity and rewarding attempts, they equip girls with the mindset to seize opportunities without hesitation.

This cultural shift creates not just braver individuals but transformative thinkers.

Examples

• Treating school projects as experiments lowers fear of failure in children.
• Businesses offering mentorship programs foster leaders ready for challenges.
• Parents who normalize trial-and-error nurture bold kids.

Takeaways

1. Incorporate small bravery challenges into your daily routine, like speaking up in a meeting or asking for feedback.
2. Build and participate in supportive sisterhoods—stand up for women in your circles and celebrate their successes.
3. Embrace failure as a natural part of growth—analyze your mistakes, celebrate your effort, and realign to keep moving forward.