Do Hard Things

What if true toughness isn't about suppressing pain or emotions, but about understanding and working with them?

1. Redefining Toughness: Authenticity Over Facades

Toughness has often been portrayed as wearing a mask of invincibility, pretending to be unbreakable, and pushing limits outwardly. Steve Magness challenges this idea, arguing that real toughness requires authenticity, not a facade. Pretending to be stronger or more capable than you truly are may lead to disillusionment and burnout.

Being honest with yourself is key to resilience. When you set realistic goals and allow your expectations to align with your abilities, you make steady progress without the debilitating frustration of failure. On the other hand, creating unreachable benchmarks often results in giving up entirely. True toughness stems from self-awareness and pursuing goals that resonate deeply with personal desires, rather than trying to impress others.

Take reading as an example. A third-grader attempting to finish a complex novel is more likely to get demoralized than one tackling books appropriate to their skills. Similarly, projecting confidence might lead you to set unrealistic goals like mastering a language in six months, but balance and honesty can keep you motivated to see long-term improvement.

Examples

• Overconfident readers abandoning books beyond their comprehension.
• Unrealistic six-month goals to master Icelandic leading to disappointment.
• A genuine expectation of gradual progress fostering endurance and success.

2. Emotion Intelligence: Listening to Your Body and Feelings

Emotions are not mere distractions—they are early indicators from your brain, warning you of problems or preparing you for challenges. By tuning into these feelings and naming them accurately, you can build resilience. Ignoring or suppressing emotions makes coping with them harder over time.

Interoception, the ability to sense and interpret physical and emotional signals, is linked to resilience. Elite athletes and even high-performing stockbrokers demonstrate how recognizing bodily cues can lead to better decisions. For example, transforming sweaty palms from a signal of anxiety to excitement can change how you approach a stressful situation.

Instead of labeling emotions as purely negative, acknowledge their presence. For instance, a sense of dread before a meeting might simply be alerting you to prepare better. By listening to and interpreting these feelings thoughtfully, you can turn them into tools for personal growth.

Examples

• Stockbrokers with high interoception outperform peers and avoid burnout.
• Athletes identifying fatigue signals to adjust intensity intelligently.
• Transforming sweaty palms from anxiety to excitement to perform better.

3. Inner Voices: Hear Them Out, But Let the Right One Lead

Ignoring the voices in your head—especially the negative ones—makes them grow louder. Resilience comes when you can listen to all your inner voices and let the rational, productive ones take charge. Steve Magness illustrates this through Steven Callahan’s shipwreck survival story, where he role-played as both the rational captain and the desperate crewman in his inner dialogue.

Your inner critic, while seemingly harsh, often serves to alert you when something isn’t working. Rather than suppress such thoughts, acknowledge them but avoid acting on impulse. Instead, channel your energy to listen for the supportive voice that offers practical solutions.

Consider the inner monologue of someone facing a tough decision. On one side, they might be tempted to give up. On the other, a calm, collected voice urges them to persist and strategize. Giving each facet of yourself a “role” can help you stay in control when emotions flare.

Examples

• Steven Callahan’s dual persona strategy ensured survival in extreme circumstances.
• Assigning roles to different emotional voices during a tough decision.
• Addressing critical voices calmly rather than ignoring them.

4. Cultivate Space Between Stimulus and Response

The ability to react calmly under pressure is a hallmark of true perseverance. Steve Magness shows how elite meditators outperformed control groups in pain tolerance studies—not by reducing the pain itself, but by changing their response to it. They created a mental space between the painful experience and their emotional reaction to it.

Instead of rushing into emotional spirals or physical desperation, slow down and acknowledge what’s happening without judgment. Whether it’s marathon runners facing burning hamstrings or someone dealing with a relationship argument, pausing to respond thoughtfully can prevent knee-jerk reactions.

Training your mind through mindfulness or calm internal dialogue can help. For example, instead of suppressing frustration during a heated argument, recognize it and redirect your response to be constructive. This measured reaction is more likely to de-escalate situations.

Examples

• Meditators enduring pain more calmly than non-meditators.
• Marathoners addressing discomfort with affirming self-talk during a race.
• Road rage reduced by naming frustration and breathing through it.

5. Goals Rooted in True Desire

Goals driven by external validation (like impressing others) often fall short. Steve Magness emphasizes the power of intrinsic motivation—setting goals that align with inner desires rather than pleasing others or just earning rewards.

Edward Deci's study on motivation revealed that extrinsic rewards might drive initial effort but fail to sustain it. On the other hand, intrinsic rewards, like the joy of building a Lego tower simply for fun, provide enduring motivation. Choosing personal fulfillment over societal expectations provides a stronger foundation for long-term achievements.

When goals resonate with authentic desires—such as improving health instead of just gaining Instagram likes—they become easier to pursue. Consider shifting the focus of your gym routine from looking good for others to enjoying how exercise improves your physical and mental health.

Examples

• Edward Deci’s study found money-motivated groups eventually lost interest.
• Competitors outperforming peers because they seek personal satisfaction.
• Turning gym sessions into personal growth moments rather than social-media wins.

6. Struggle and Growth Go Hand in Hand

Severe trauma can break people, but for some, it leads to post-traumatic growth—a renewed sense of purpose and strength. Steve Magness highlights how POWs from the Vietnam War emerged stronger after prolonged captivity, transforming deep suffering into life-altering purpose.

Adversity can act as a crucible for resilience, allowing individuals to find meaning in hardship. By breaking old assumptions and viewpoints, struggles can pave the way for building a new, stronger foundation. The key? Embracing the challenge, not fighting against the pain.

Consider losing a job as an opportunity to realign one’s goals or suffering through heartbreak as a way to reevaluate personal values. These painful moments can eventually lead to personal growth if approached with the right mindset.

Examples

• Vietnam POWs finding higher purpose and growth during their captivity.
• Job losses pushing individuals toward meaningful, fulfilling careers.
• Trauma survivors reconnecting to life with deeper appreciation and intention.

7. Adjusting Instead of Abandoning

Unrealistic goals can lead to failure and frustration if unmet. Magness proposes a solution called “raising the floor”—setting manageable targets to encourage persistence rather than ambition-breaking failure.

Instead of aiming too high and constantly failing, “raising the floor” involves setting a low, achievable bar and gradually exceeding expectations. This approach builds momentum and creates a foundation for long-term success.

For example, someone aiming for 100 daily push-ups might start with ten and increase over weeks. Small, persistent steps are often the key to exceeding your larger, long-term goals.

Examples

• Setting 10 daily push-ups as a starting goal instead of 100.
• Marathoners building mileage incrementally versus overtraining early.
• Students beginning with small tasks to avoid being overwhelmed.

8. Mental Flexibility Builds Resilience

Resilience relies on mental adaptability, not rigid mindsets. Those who adapt to changing circumstances and reframe difficult situations can regain control when life doesn't go as planned.

In tough moments, mental flexibility offers the ability to change tactics or perspectives. Adjusting course when something isn’t working demonstrates perseverance, not weakness.

Whether it’s navigating a problematic work situation or pivoting career plans after setbacks, adaptability often determines outcomes. Flexibility isn’t a compromise—it’s a strength.

Examples

• Athlete dropping out of one event to focus energy on succeeding in another.
• Career switch allowing a person to thrive after layoffs.
• A parent calmly shifting tactics to address a child’s tantrum.

9. Purpose Drives Toughness to the Next Level

Purpose, especially one tied to intrinsic motivation, separates the average from the extraordinary. Magness shows how tapping into a larger sense of mission helps even the most exhausted individuals find energy reserves.

Whether it’s Olympic athletes competing for collective pride or a scientist aiming to cure diseases despite challenges, purpose provides long-lasting fuel. Digging deep for something meaningful makes perseverance not just bearable, but rewarding.

Find your purpose by assessing what truly excites and motivates you. This can turn even the most difficult tasks into opportunities for growth and achievement.

Examples

• Olympic athletes visualizing their higher mission.
• Scientists persisting through years of failed experiments.
• Activists channeling drive to create systemic change against odds.

Takeaways

1. Set realistic expectations and listen to self-doubt as a recalibrator, not an enemy.
2. Harness your emotions as early indicators and tools for adaptation.
3. Focus on intrinsic goals that provide meaningful, personal satisfaction and motivation.