In a world filled with constant stress and challenges, many of us dream of an easier life. We often find ourselves waiting for that perfect moment when everything falls into place – when the kids grow up, when we land that dream job, or when we finally retire. However, the reality is that a completely stress-free life is unlikely to ever materialize. Instead of yearning for an elusive state of calm, "Everyday Vitality" by Samantha Boardman offers a refreshing perspective on how to thrive amidst life's difficulties.
Introduction
Boardman's book introduces the concept of vitality as a powerful tool for navigating the complexities of modern life. Rather than avoiding stress or challenges, she argues that we can learn to coexist with them and even use them as sources of strength. The book provides practical advice on how to cultivate vitality and resilience, enabling readers to push through tough times and use them as stepping stones for personal growth.
The Power of Vitality
At the heart of Boardman's philosophy is the idea that vitality is the key differentiator between those who handle stress well and those who don't. She introduces us to two types of people: "Teflon" people and "Velcro" people.
Teflon vs. Velcro People
Velcro people tend to get stuck in difficult situations. They catastrophize, spiral into negativity, and often isolate themselves. These individuals are more likely to indulge in what Boardman calls "cotton candy" activities – things that may seem comforting in the short term but offer no real benefit in the long run. Examples include overeating or binge-watching TV shows. Interestingly, this group also tends to experience more physical health issues.
On the other hand, Teflon people demonstrate vitality. They are flexible in their plans, stay engaged with life, and deliberately incorporate activities that make them feel good and strong. They're also more likely to support others during challenging times.
The key takeaway here is that vitality is about doing, not just thinking. It's the little actions we take every day that build our resilience and ability to cope with stress.
The Three Pillars of Vitality
Boardman identifies three crucial elements that contribute to vitality:
- Autonomy
- Competence
- Relatedness
People who display vitality recognize the importance of these factors. They are proactive in making plans, engage in activities that challenge and improve their skills, and draw strength from their connections with others.
Embracing Desirable Difficulty
One of the most intriguing concepts in the book is that of "desirable difficulty." Boardman argues that completely eliminating stress from our lives isn't the answer – and may not even be desirable. Instead, we should learn to coexist with challenges and use them to our advantage.
She illustrates this point with an interesting study involving rats and Froot Loops. Rats that had to work for their treats showed more persistence and determination when faced with a new challenge compared to rats that were simply handed their food. This experiment highlights the importance of engaging with challenges rather than avoiding them.
The concept of desirable difficulty extends to human experiences as well. Studies show that people often enjoy work more when it's challenging. The feeling of moving towards a goal can be just as rewarding as achieving it.
Choosing Vitality Intentionally
Boardman emphasizes that cultivating vitality is an intentional process. It requires conscious decisions and actions. One interesting strategy she suggests is to "not be yourself" in challenging situations. For instance, if you're nervous about public speaking, you might imagine yourself as a confident, charismatic speaker you admire. This shift in perspective can help you perform better in stressful situations.
The author also encourages readers to rewrite their personal narratives. If you've always been the "nice" person who never says no, it's not too late to change that story. You can choose to embody traits that you value, even if they're different from how you've been perceived in the past.
The Power of Connection
A significant portion of the book is dedicated to the importance of social connections in building vitality. Boardman presents compelling evidence showing how our relationships with others can significantly impact our ability to handle stress and challenges.
For example, studies have shown that hikers find hills less strenuous to climb when they're with a friend. People afraid of public speaking feel less nervous after receiving a hug. Even physical pain can be reduced when holding the hand of a loved one.
The Importance of Quality Conversations
Boardman emphasizes the value of meaningful conversations in building connections. She advises readers to engage in real exchanges of information rather than superficial small talk. This involves asking questions, including everyone in conversations, and giving others your full attention (which means putting away your phone!).
In romantic relationships, the author introduces the concept of "active constructive responding" (ACR). This involves responding to your partner's news or stories with genuine enthusiasm, eye contact, and follow-up questions. Practicing ACR can make your partner feel more loved and understood.
Small Acts of Kindness
The book also highlights the power of small, thoughtful actions in strengthening relationships. Rather than grand gestures, it's the everyday acts of kindness – like filling up your partner's car with gas – that can significantly reduce stress and build a strong foundation of support.
Challenging Yourself
Another key aspect of building vitality is continually challenging yourself. Boardman points out that some of the world's most successful people, including Nobel Prize-winning scientists, are more likely to have hobbies compared to their peers. This suggests that engaging in diverse activities and continually learning new things can contribute to overall success and well-being.
The Flow State
The author introduces the concept of "flow" – that magical state where you're so engrossed in an activity that you lose track of time and self-consciousness. Engaging in activities that induce this state can be a powerful way to build vitality.
Physical Health and Vitality
Boardman doesn't neglect the physical aspects of vitality. She emphasizes the importance of adequate sleep (7-8 hours per night) and regular exercise. Even something as simple as a 30-minute walk three times a week can be as effective as stress-relief medication. She also points out that improving your posture can have a positive impact on your mood.
The Importance of Context
An interesting study cited in the book demonstrates how context can affect our perception of pain. Participants who were told that a small electric shock was part of a process that would allow them to win lottery tickets reported feeling less pain than those who were told the shock was accidental or intentional without a reason.
This illustrates a crucial point: the way we frame our experiences can significantly impact how we perceive them. Boardman encourages readers to consider the broader context of their actions and choices.
Finding Meaning
The author challenges the popular notion of always putting yourself first. While self-care is important, focusing solely on oneself can lead to feelings of emptiness and unfulfillment. Studies have shown that doing something nice for others often leads to longer-lasting positive feelings than doing something just for yourself.
Boardman suggests thinking about what is truly meaningful to you when making decisions. For example, if you're trying to eat healthier, thinking about wanting to be around for your grandchildren might be more motivating than simply knowing that fried food is bad for you.
Cultivating Positivity
In a world where negative news seems to dominate, Boardman emphasizes the importance of actively cultivating positivity. She advises against seeking out or spreading bad news and instead encourages readers to note and write down at least two ordinary uplifting moments each day.
Building Habits and Creating Positive Spirals
One of the most encouraging messages in the book is that small positive actions can snowball into larger positive changes. Once you do something small that makes you feel better, it can lead to another positive action, potentially kickstarting a series of beneficial changes in your life.
Practical Advice for Building Vitality
Throughout the book, Boardman offers numerous practical tips for cultivating vitality:
Practice intentional perspective shifts: When faced with a challenging situation, try imagining yourself as someone more confident or capable.
Engage in meaningful conversations: Focus on having real exchanges of information rather than superficial small talk.
Perform small acts of kindness: Look for ways to support others through everyday thoughtful actions.
Seek out new challenges: Continuously learn new things and engage in activities that push you out of your comfort zone.
Prioritize physical health: Ensure you're getting enough sleep and regular exercise.
Reframe negative experiences: Try to find the potential benefits or learning opportunities in difficult situations.
Practice gratitude: Regularly note positive moments in your day, no matter how small.
Connect with others: Build and maintain strong relationships as a source of support and strength.
Find your flow: Engage in activities that fully absorb your attention and bring you joy.
Consider the broader context: When making decisions, think about what's truly meaningful to you in the long term.
Final Thoughts
"Everyday Vitality" presents a refreshing and practical approach to thriving in today's challenging world. Boardman's message is clear: vitality is not an innate trait, but something that can be cultivated through intentional actions and mindset shifts.
By embracing challenges, fostering meaningful connections, and continuously pushing ourselves to grow, we can build the resilience needed to not just survive, but thrive amid life's inevitable ups and downs. The book reminds us that it's often the small, everyday actions that have the most significant impact on our overall well-being and ability to handle stress.
Perhaps most importantly, Boardman's work encourages us to view stress and challenges not as obstacles to be avoided, but as opportunities for growth and self-improvement. By reframing our perspective on difficulties and actively working to build our vitality, we can transform our approach to life's challenges and find strength and purpose even in the most trying times.
As we navigate the complexities of modern life, the lessons from "Everyday Vitality" serve as a valuable guide. They remind us that while we can't control everything that happens to us, we can control how we respond. By cultivating vitality, we equip ourselves with the tools needed to face whatever life throws our way with resilience, grace, and even enthusiasm.
In a world that often feels overwhelming, Boardman's message is both empowering and hopeful. It reminds us that we have the power to shape our experiences and build the inner strength needed to thrive, regardless of external circumstances. By incorporating the principles of vitality into our daily lives, we can not only improve our own well-being but also positively impact those around us, creating a ripple effect of resilience and positivity.
Ultimately, "Everyday Vitality" is more than just a self-help book – it's a roadmap for living a more engaged, purposeful, and fulfilling life. It challenges us to embrace the full spectrum of human experience, including the difficulties, and use every moment as an opportunity for growth and connection. In doing so, we can transform our approach to life's challenges and discover a wellspring of strength and vitality within ourselves that we may never have known existed.