Extraordinary Influence

“What if the path to greatness lies not in criticism but in affirmation?”

1. The Brain Thrives on Affirmation

Affirmation isn’t just a feel-good idea; it has biological effects. When someone receives positive reinforcement, the brain releases neurochemicals that heighten feelings of wellbeing, alleviate stress, and improve problem-solving abilities. These effects, confirmed by various neuroscience studies, show how deeply wired humans are to respond to affirmative feedback.

An example of affirmation's power can be found in a story about the author’s son, whose morale was uplifted by an opposing team’s coach even after a painful loss. Simple yet meaningful words activated his renewed courage and determination. This illustrates how affirmation can transform even moments of failure into opportunities for growth.

True affirmation goes beyond surface-level compliments. It’s about strengthening someone’s character and abilities through constant support. A Japanese sushi apprentice spends years honing their craft before earning the prestigious shokunin title, showing how affirmation reinforces real achievement over time.

Examples

• Neuroscientists Creswell, Welch, and Taylor found affirmation reduces stress and sharpens thinking.
• The author’s son regained motivation through heartfelt recognition from a coach.
• Sushi apprentices in Japan experience affirmation through years of sustained mentorship.

2. Focus on Unique Strengths and Competencies

People respond best to praise when it aligns with their strengths or values. Understanding what individuals prioritize helps to craft affirmations that resonate. People want to feel seen and valued for what makes them distinct.

For example, workplaces often have varied personalities: doers thrive on achieving milestones, while idealists care about sticking to values. Complimenting a doer’s drive to deliver results or an idealist's integrity ensures the message feels personal. This approach fosters deeper connections and motivation.

Recognizing professional competencies is just as critical. Complimenting someone on achieving company targets is helpful, but pointing out the specific skills they used, like leadership or foresight, takes affirmation deeper. This makes individuals feel valued for much more than just results.

Examples

• Doers appreciate acknowledgment of their productivity, like hitting deadlines.
• Advocates value praise for fostering team cohesion.
• Idealists thrive on affirmations centered on integrity.

3. Values Are Cemented by Affirmation

Deep affirmations go to the heart of what people hold dear—their values. Values develop over time, shaped by self-reflection and social interactions. When others recognize and reinforce key values, individuals feel validated and are likely to act in alignment with them going forward.

For instance, if someone exhibits integrity by resolving conflict respectfully, acknowledging that trait strengthens their confidence in this value. It reinforces the behavior and the belief that it reflects their character.

Using the right words is essential to affirm values. Telling someone they showed courage by standing up for ethics in an uncomfortable situation is much more meaningful than vaguely saying, “Good job.” Recognizing qualities like humility, where someone shares credit rather than taking all the glory, also builds confidence in positive traits.

Examples

• A boss noting an employee's integrity after they resolve conflict inspires repeat behavior.
• Courage is reinforced when acknowledged after bold decisions are made.
• Praising humility motivates individuals to value teamwork over personal gain.

4. Public Criticism Harms Growth

Criticism, especially when given publicly, can have long-term psychological consequences. The brain associates criticism with social rejection, triggering stress responses in the amygdala. This hinders creativity, abstract thinking, and self-confidence.

One example comes from the author’s wife, Anne, whose teacher criticized her artwork in front of classmates. The public humiliation stayed with her for decades, showing how damaging these experiences can be. Studies support this, proving that public criticism intensifies feelings of rejection and inhibits learning.

To foster growth, leaders should keep criticism private and make positive reinforcement public. Employees or children thrive when they are praised openly while negative feedback is shared in a way that preserves their dignity.

Examples

• In 2011, Etkin and Egner demonstrated criticism activates the brain's threat response.
• Anne’s childhood experience revealed humiliation’s lasting emotional scars.
• Public praise boosts dopamine levels, giving individuals a sense of acceptance.

5. Building Trust During Crisis

Affirmation can restore trust during organizational crises. Restoring credibility starts with transparent communication and recognizing the concerns of individuals. Simple acts, like listening and addressing issues, make people feel valued.

Eric Pillmore’s turnaround of Tyco International after corporate fraud is a strong example of this. His team held open forums allowing employees to voice concerns, which helped rebuild trust. Over time, this process of affirming employee value revived both individual and collective morale.

Rebuilding trust isn’t just about individuals; group trust matters too. By promoting transparent collaboration, teams can regain faith in one another. Tyco eventually achieved the highest governance rating, proving the success of affirmation-centered leadership.

Examples

• Tyco’s employee forums restored faith in leadership.
• Open communication gave individuals clarity and trust.
• Tyco’s transparency fostered collaboration and group trust.

6. Rethinking Performance Reviews

Traditional performance reviews often leave employees frustrated. Many feel unfairly assessed due to impersonal, metrics-driven evaluations. A better alternative is affirmation-based reviews, which focus on individual contributions rather than arbitrary scores.

Top companies like Microsoft and Goldman Sachs have adopted this approach, replacing numerical ratings with broader categories. This allows leaders to recognize qualities like teamwork and effort, which inspire improvement.

Employees who feel affirmed during reviews are more motivated to improve their skills and align their actions with company goals. These systems emphasize how work is done, not just the outcomes, creating a healthier workplace culture.

Examples

• Affirmation-based reviews encourage qualities like collaboration over toxic success.
• Microsoft and Dell replaced numerical scales with broader performance categories.
• Bosses now focus on recognizing skills and values to inspire better work.

7. Avoiding Harmful Parenting

Parenting through yelling or harsh discipline may get short-term compliance, but it damages trust and loyalty in the long term. Children respond better to feedback connecting their behavior to their aspirations.

For example, if a child dreams of being an astronaut, reminding them that cutting corners in science class might derail their goals can be more effective than scolding them. Aligning feedback with their hopes inspires reflection without breaking their spirit.

This method also works in classrooms, where teachers who value encouragement over humiliation help students reach their potential. Positive reinforcement breeds confidence and resilience in young learners.

Examples

• Feedback tied to future goals empowers children to self-correct.
• Assertive teachers practice positive reinforcement to support student growth.
• Yelling builds resentment, harming parent-child bonds.

8. Affirmation Empowers Teams to Excel

Teams function best when members feel affirmed for their individual contributions. Recognizing everyone—whether a leader or a support member—creates an environment where people are motivated to give their best.

Managers who commend collaborative efforts, rather than spotlighting one person, ensure everyone feels acknowledged. This creates a cycle of mutual respect, leading to higher performance levels. For example, a team celebrating group achievements will work harder and foster more innovation.

In contrast, neglecting team contributions to focus solely on individual stars breeds resentment and disengagement, which can derail entire efforts.

Examples

• Praising individual strengths ensures that no team member feels overlooked.
• Team-oriented affirmations create stronger group performance.
• An affirmed group collaborates to enhance innovation.

9. Leadership Through Positive Influence

The strongest leaders uplift others by affirming their worth. They guide people toward their highest potential through constant encouragement and feedback rooted in respect.

A supportive leader focuses on expanding their team’s strengths. By avoiding micromanagement and empowering team members, a leader creates trust. Employees under affirming leadership also tend to make better decisions and exceed expectations.

The best leaders know that respect, understanding, and affirmation build long-term allegiance and inspire excellence.

Examples

• Affirmative leaders cultivate trust, improving employee decision-making.
• Empowered teams regularly outperform expectations.
• Successful leadership depends on constant encouragement and respect.

Takeaways

1. Practice journaling to better understand your emotions before offering affirmations.
2. Make public praise a habit, while keeping constructive feedback private.
3. Tailor affirmations to specific strengths or deeply held values to make them meaningful.