Get Out of Your Own Way Summary

Sometimes, the greatest obstacle to our growth and happiness is staring back at us in the mirror. Are you ready to get out of your own way?

1. Don’t tie your self-worth to your job title

Society often prompts us to equate our personal value with our professional success. This can imprison us in roles where we feel unfulfilled but stay put because they win us admiration. When Dave Hollis worked at Disney, he achieved tremendous success but felt deeply disconnected from joy and purpose. He realized his career had become his identity, and leaving it felt like abandoning not only his job but also the image others admired.

By stepping away from a high-status position at Disney, Dave found freedom in rediscovering his value as a person, rather than as a job title. Shifting gears to join his wife’s start-up pushed him into an unfamiliar yet vibrant space where he got to relearn skills and grow. This change confirmed that his worth wasn’t tied to his paycheck or job prestige—it came from being a compassionate and loving individual.

The lesson is clear: no shiny title or job description can substitute for genuine fulfillment. Learning this truth freed Dave to pursue what actually mattered, creating ripple effects in his relationships and personal happiness.

Examples

• Feeling trapped by prestige at Disney but feeling empty inside.
• Embracing his wife's start-up and finding stimulation through relearning.
• Realizing personal connections and values outlast professional accolades.

2. Own your vulnerabilities to build stronger relationships

In life and work, many of us feel pressured to protect ourselves by hiding our weaknesses. But Dave Hollis learned a counterintuitive truth: acknowledging vulnerabilities can deepen relationships and strengthen negotiations. A transformational moment came when he watched Eminem’s “8 Mile” rap battle, where the character B-Rabbit preemptively listed his flaws, leaving his opponent powerless. That scene reframed Hollis’s approach to life and interactions.

By openly acknowledging flaws, Dave started to build authentic connections instead of striving to appear invincible. For example, he turned professional shortcomings into opportunities by framing them as unique perspectives. This candid approach spilled into his personal life too, improving communication with his wife and children by letting them see his authentic, imperfect self.

Authenticity invites others to see you more clearly, often strengthening the bonds between you. Vulnerability, when embraced, isn’t a weakness—it’s a doorway to richer, more honest connections.

Examples

• Learning from B-Rabbit's rap battle in "8 Mile."
• Sharing his insecurities during negotiations and reframing them as strengths.
• Deepening family and spousal bonds by embracing authenticity.

3. Embrace failure as a teacher

Failure often carries a stigma, but Dave Hollis reframes it as one of life's best tools for growth. While supporting his son's failed bid for class president, Dave used the opportunity to normalize failure, reminding him that courage weighed more than the result. This perspective also critically shaped Dave’s own life during his transition from Disney, where a failure-phobic mindset had limited his potential for change.

By adopting Carol Dweck’s “growth mindset,” Dave found value in engaging with challenges outside his comfort zone. Building resilience through failure isn’t easy, but it allows you to develop skills and discover hidden potential. Losing isn’t a mark of deficiency; it’s proof you’re trying.

Normalizing failure doesn’t mean seeking it but letting it serve as a stepping stone. It teaches us what works, what doesn’t, and what strengths might be waiting just beneath the surface.

Examples

• Encouraging his son to view running for class president as a win in bravery.
• Using Carol Dweck's teachings to shift from a fear-based mentality to a growth-focused one.
• Embracing risks during his transition out of Disney.

4. Growth often requires leaning into pain

Pain is something most people try to avoid, but what if it’s part of the path to a better life? When Dave and Rachel Hollis pursued adoption, the heartbreak of giving up twin girls due to a custody claim seemed unbearable. And yet, that pain became a catalyst for their eventual joy: adopting baby Noah when they refused to give up hope despite their grief.

Pain can’t always be avoided, but embracing it can pave the way for resilience and clarity. Their painful experience heightened empathy, affirmed their commitment to their dream, and eventually led them to the family they had envisioned.

What’s important isn’t the pain itself but how we respond to it. Choosing to remain open instead of shutting down can unlock opportunities and deepen the appreciation for eventual joys.

Examples

• The heartbreak of losing the twins during the adoption journey.
• Emotional courage reaffirmed by an encouraging chance encounter with a stranger.
• Finding closure and hope in meeting Noah, their adopted daughter.

5. Love languages aren’t universal

Everyone experiences love differently. Efforts to express affection can miss the mark because they don’t resonate with how someone interprets love. Dave and Rachel Hollis discovered this mismatch by exploring tools like The 5 Love Languages, which revealed the surprising ways their signals crossed. Dave, for example, showed love through tasks, while Rachel craved verbal affirmations. Without understanding these differences, their deep care often fell flat.

Cultural tools like the Enneagram also opened their eyes to how their personalities interacted, explaining nuances that strengthened understanding during times of stress and celebration.

This takeaway is invaluable for partners: don’t assume you know what your significant other needs. Instead, ask—a simple but often overlooked step.

Examples

• Misalignment of Dave’s love language (acts of service) with Rachel’s (words of affirmation).
• Learning to adapt to each other’s evolving needs through tools like the Enneagram.
• Noticing the personal growth in small, intentional gestures.

6. Relationships call for flexibility

Relationships thrive when each partner adapts to life’s evolving challenges. While pursuing a big TV deal, Rachel needed unwavering encouragement. But Dave miscalculated, offering criticism disguised as realism. This misstep drove a wedge between them until communication shaped a better response.

Like shifting business models, responding to change enables relationships to adjust to new needs. Asking how to best show support, rather than assuming what’s needed, fosters partnership and trust.

The Hollis story reminds us: relationships are dynamic, not fixed. Flexibility strengthens their foundation.

Examples

• The dramatic misstep and subsequent learning during Rachel's TV deal negotiations.
• Finding ways to communicate objectives clearly without undermining a partner’s confidence.
• Rachel's “3%” bracelet symbolizing her resilience beyond assumptions.

7. True understanding takes listening

Dave came from a uniform community but later recognized how sheltered he’d been. Participating in racial reconciliation at his church opened his eyes to biases he’d previously overlooked. Learning through experiences shared by others—like their worries about police treatment—taught him that surface-level understanding wouldn’t suffice.

Empathy grows from listening attentively without presuming to fully grasp another person’s world. In his career, this awareness also translated to addressing biases at Disney.

The lesson here is humility: assume less and ask more. Listening fosters empathy, empathy inspires meaningful action.

Examples

• Joining a diverse church community to better understand structural inequalities.
• Hearing firsthand accounts about racial justice and police concerns.
• Leading inclusion-focused projects at Disney for underrepresented groups.

8. Challenge limiting self-beliefs

Sometimes barriers are mental constructs rather than reality. Told in childhood that large builds couldn’t run, Dave avoided the sport until a colleague’s challenge shattered this belief. Starting small, he discovered not only a passion for running but also a lesson: previous limits were never real.

Understanding you’re holding yourself back—then dismantling those barriers—opens doors to transformative experiences.

This process can inspire confidence to tackle other areas of doubt and fear.

Examples

• Believing childhood misconceptions that “tall people can’t run."
• Breaking the cycle with a colleague-issued race challenge.
• Turning running into an enduring personal passion.

9. Growth begins by getting out of your own way

The voice in our heads often acts as our loudest critic. Dave’s journey of personal growth taught him to question negative self-talk, test assumptions, and step beyond his comfort zone. This included embracing vulnerability, reframing risks, and facing fears no matter how small or overwhelming.

Growth is not a destination but continuous exploration. Silencing limiting thoughts can unlock your capability to aim higher and love harder.

Each step taken toward addressing your deepest fears ultimately creates a clearer, freer you.

Examples

• Breaking fears of professional failure while transitioning out of Disney.
• Reexamining old mental scripts about capability, from love to running.
• Confronting self-imposed limits with small but intentional risks.

Takeaways

1. Learn your and your partner’s love languages to connect meaningfully and accurately.
2. Treat errors like fuel for growth—use each stumble as feedback, not a barrier.
3. Write down a personal “principles” list and check back regularly to stay aligned.