How to Be an Adult in Relationships Summary

"Love is not a feeling; it is a way of being, a willingness to know ourselves and let others know us too." This powerful insight from David Richo's How to Be an Adult in Relationships challenges how we perceive love and promises a transformative journey in our relationships.

1. Love Thrives on the Five A’s

Love is built on attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing others to be who they are. Richo describes these as the "five A’s," which are fundamental not only for childhood development but also for building sustaining adult relationships.

Receiving attention means listening with mindfulness and respect. When a partner gives us their undivided attention, we feel valued and understood. Acceptance involves embracing ourselves and our partners for who they truly are, flaws and all. This creates a nonjudgmental space where love can flourish.

Appreciation is recognizing and valuing our partner's qualities, while affection refers to physical and emotional expressions of love, like hugs or words of encouragement. Finally, allowing is the freedom to be oneself without external control. Together, these five A's establish a nurturing, secure foundation for relationships.

Examples

• A partner thoughtfully listens during a hard conversation, offering attention.
• Showing appreciation by celebrating a partner’s achievements, big or small.
• Allowing a partner to spend personal time pursuing their own hobbies without guilt.

2. Childhood Wounds Shape Adult Bonds

Richo explains how childhood experiences profoundly affect how we love as adults. If our need for the five A’s wasn’t met as kids, it might create patterns of insecurity or rejection in adult relationships.

Children who faced neglect often grow up craving approval, tolerating unhealthy behavior just to not lose love again. Meanwhile, others may replicate household stress they experienced, thinking conflict is normal. These patterns persist because unresolved trauma is carried into adulthood.

Healing starts by grieving unmet needs from childhood and confronting those feelings. Talking openly with a therapist or trusted friend can shine light on unprocessed emotions and bring relief, enabling healthier emotional exchanges with partners.

Examples

• An adult clinging to a partner out of fear of abandonment due to an unloving parent.
• Reenacting childhood turmoil by subconsciously seeking drama in relationships.
• Sharing childhood memories with a therapist to release years of bottled pain.

3. Healing Combines Self-Awareness and Letting Go

Richo likens healing emotional scars to kneading bread: it takes effort and patience. Healing old patterns combines naming our negative thoughts and applying mindfulness to let them go.

By paying close attention to old hurts and the feelings tied to them, we learn to face our past rather than being controlled by it. Through mindfulness, we step back and observe these feelings without judgment, allowing them to pass naturally. It’s this blend of effort and stillness that allows real transformation.

Daily mindfulness practices, like meditation, help anchor us in the present. Labeling thoughts as they arise and gently returning to the breath breaks cycles of overthinking. This newfound clarity can free up space for deeper emotional connections with others.

Examples

• Journaling about recurring relationship challenges to identify deeper origins.
• Using meditation to calm the mind during emotionally charged moments.
• Consciously resisting the urge to react impulsively in a heated argument.

4. Self-Respect Comes Before Healthy Relationships

Before we can truly be there for someone else, we must first be there for ourselves. Richo emphasizes that self-care and self-respect are the first steps toward forming fulfilling relationships.

Loving yourself means not morphing into someone else to fit a partner’s expectations. Instead, make a list of your non-negotiables—your values, needs, and dreams—and use it to guide how you engage with a partner. You deserve to have your own needs heard and honored, too.

By prioritizing self-respect, you attract partners who align with your values. Authenticity in yourself paves the way for authentic connections.

Examples

• Saying no to partners who won’t align with your desired level of commitment.
• Reminding yourself, "I am worthy of love as I am," before going on a date.
• Ending toxic dynamics where your needs are brushed aside.

5. Romantic Cycles Are Natural

Relationships, like nature, move in cycles. Richo identifies three phases: romance, conflict, and commitment. Progressing through all three is what makes love real and lasting.

Romance sparks connection, but it’s only a starting point. Conflict inevitably arises as reality sets in, but working through disagreements matures your bond. Commitment emerges when couples resolve issues and learn to love each other as whole, imperfect beings.

The journey can repeat as couples continue to deepen their relationship. Growth requires moving through these phases without getting stuck in just one.

Examples

• A couple transitioning from heady romance to negotiating household responsibilities.
• A fight that helps partners express hidden vulnerabilities.
• Rebuilding after an argument reaffirmed deeper commitment to each other.

6. Fear in Love Can Be Overcome

Intimacy brings joy, but it also reveals hidden fears—of losing freedom (engulfment) or being abandoned. Richo teaches that these fears highlight where we feel powerless, but they don’t have to dominate us.

Facing these fears requires honesty and courage. Start by truthfully admitting them to yourself and your partner, without blame. Then use mindfulness to let the feelings run their course without judgment.

Through gradual exposure, you act "as if" the fear doesn’t control you. For example, gradually increasing time apart if you fear abandonment builds independence, while reducing the time apart if you fear intimacy teaches closeness.

Examples

• Admitting to a partner, “I’m afraid you’ll leave me because of my past.”
• Sitting with the discomfort of being alone rather than masking it with constant activity.
• Taking small steps toward closeness after years of fearing emotional connection.

7. Ending Relationships: Letting Go Gracefully

Not all relationships are meant to last forever, and sometimes their end becomes a necessary step toward growth. Leaving with grace means addressing issues, finding resolution, and giving yourself space to heal afterward.

Key signs that a relationship might be over include frequent mistrust, lack of intimacy, or unmet needs. If attempts to rebuild the connection fail, it’s healthier to let go.

While leaving love behind is painful, it opens the door to self-discovery and growth. Grieve what’s lost, but frame the ending as an opportunity for a new chapter.

Examples

• Agreeing to honest conversations about why the relationship isn’t working.
• Taking time out between relationships to reflect and recuperate emotionally.
• Letting an ended relationship inspire clearer boundaries for the future.

8. Loving One Person Teaches Us Universal Love

The love we cultivate with a partner isn’t only about them—it spreads outward, teaching us how to love the world. Richo sees this as love’s ultimate purpose: practicing attention, affection, acceptance, and allowing on a macro scale.

Being a loving partner helps us develop compassion. When we accept imperfection in our significant other, we are better prepared to extend acceptance to others. Small-scale love fuels bigger acts of kindness and understanding.

Ultimately, by mastering the art of loving deeply, we gain tools to interact with others in ways that bring support and joy.

Examples

• A manager showing appreciation for employees’ work, mimicking how they treat a partner.
• Practicing patience with strangers after learning it within a committed relationship.
• Nurturing a sense of community by sharing affection and attention broadly.

9. Love Can Transform the World One Relationship at a Time

Richo believes that individual relationships have the power to ripple outward and create widespread change. Each act of love, honesty, and self-growth adds more harmony to the collective human experience.

Being fully present in our partnerships teaches us how to be fully present in the world. Small gestures—like listening to a friend in need or showing kindness to a stranger—are direct offshoots of mindful love in our personal lives.

Ultimately, the lessons of love learned one-on-one can create waves of positivity that touch everything around us.

Examples

• Offering a meal to a neighbor mirrors the affection practiced within a marriage.
• Listening to a friend’s struggles after learning to be a mindful witness in a relationship.
• Pausing to appreciate nature and its beauty, inspired by how you cherish a partner.

Takeaways

1. Practice daily mindfulness exercises, even for a few minutes, to stay emotionally present and process feelings.
2. Write down your needs and non-negotiables before entering any relationship, and revisit them frequently.
3. Use the five A’s (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing) to guide all your interactions, from personal to professional.