How to Live

Introduction

In a world that often feels chaotic and divided, it's surprising to find that the wisdom of a sixth-century monk can offer valuable insights for modern living. Judith Valente's book "How to Live" explores the enduring relevance of The Rule of St. Benedict, a set of guidelines written by Benedict of Nursia for his monastic community. Despite being over 1,400 years old, these principles provide a roadmap for building harmonious communities and living a fulfilling life in today's fast-paced world.

The Rule of St. Benedict was created during a time of societal upheaval in Roman society, not unlike our own era. People were losing faith in political leaders, and concerns about race, religion, and foreigners were causing divisions. In response to this turmoil, Benedict established his own monastery and laid down clear ground rules for building a harmonious community.

This book summary will delve into the key ideas presented in "How to Live," exploring how the ancient wisdom of St. Benedict can be applied to our modern lives. We'll examine concepts such as deep listening, awakening to our surroundings, the importance of silence and humility, and the balance between work and contemplation. Through these insights, we'll discover how to create more meaningful relationships, find inner peace, and lead a more balanced and purposeful life.

The Art of Listening

One of the fundamental principles in The Rule of St. Benedict is the art of listening. Benedict believed that without proper listening, communication, and understanding, a community is doomed to fall apart. This concept is just as crucial today as it was in the sixth century.

Listening with the Ear of the Heart

Benedict encourages us to "listen with the ear of the heart." This phrase means truly hearing other people, going beyond just the words they say to understand their intentions, emotions, and needs. In our modern world, where distractions are constant and attention spans are short, this kind of deep listening has become increasingly rare and valuable.

To practice listening with the ear of the heart:

1. Give your full attention to the person speaking
2. Avoid interrupting or formulating your response while they're talking
3. Try to understand the emotions behind their words
4. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you've understood correctly

Overcoming Communication Barriers

The book draws a parallel between Benedict's teachings and the sci-fi movie "Arrival," where a linguist saves the day by listening, communicating, and understanding that aliens are peaceful and trying to help. This comparison highlights the importance of overcoming communication barriers, especially when dealing with people who are different from us or have unfamiliar perspectives.

To improve your ability to communicate across differences:

1. Approach new encounters with an open mind
2. Be patient and willing to learn about different viewpoints
3. Practice empathy and try to see things from the other person's perspective
4. Recognize and challenge your own biases and preconceptions

Self-Awareness in Communication

The author shares a personal anecdote about receiving feedback that she sometimes came across as aggressive and condescending in meetings. This experience underscores the importance of self-awareness in our communication styles. By being open to feedback and willing to adjust our approach, we can become better listeners and more effective communicators.

To develop greater self-awareness in communication:

1. Seek honest feedback from colleagues, friends, or family members
2. Reflect on your communication patterns and their impact on others
3. Be willing to acknowledge and work on areas for improvement
4. Practice active listening techniques in your daily interactions

Awakening to Life and Death

Another key theme in The Rule of St. Benedict is the call to wake up and fully embrace life. In our modern world, it's easy to fall into routines and go through life on autopilot. Benedict urges us to open our eyes and make the most of the limited time we have.

Embracing the Present Moment

The author describes a transformative experience of witnessing the night sky at 3:15 a.m. during a visit to the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky. This moment highlights the importance of awakening our senses to the beauty and wonder of the world around us. By doing so, we can cultivate a deeper appreciation for life and live more fully in the present.

To awaken to your surroundings:

1. Take time each day to notice the sights, sounds, and smells around you
2. Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present in the moment
3. Seek out new experiences that engage your senses
4. Limit distractions like excessive screen time that can dull your awareness

Acknowledging the Inevitability of Death

Benedict believed that acknowledging the presence of death can motivate us to embrace life more fully. Rather than fearing or avoiding thoughts of mortality, we can use this awareness to prioritize what truly matters and live more meaningfully.

The author shares her experience with elderly nuns at the monastery of Mount St. Scholastica, who seemed unafraid of death. This acceptance likely stemmed from their confidence in having lived meaningful lives. By facing our own mortality, we can:

1. Clarify our values and priorities
2. Make more intentional choices about how we spend our time
3. Cultivate gratitude for the life we have
4. Focus on leaving a positive legacy

The Power of Silence and Humility

In building a harmonious community, Benedict recognized the potential for conflicts and resentments to arise. To address these issues, he emphasized the importance of silence and humility as tools for peaceful living.

Embracing Silence

Benedict warns against the harm that can come from gossip and complaining, advising that sometimes it's better to remain silent. In our modern world, filled with constant noise and digital distractions, cultivating silence can lead to inner peace and greater wisdom.

To incorporate more silence into your life:

1. Set aside time each day for quiet reflection or meditation
2. Take regular breaks from social media and digital devices
3. Practice mindful listening in conversations, focusing on understanding rather than responding
4. Seek out quiet spaces in nature or your community

Cultivating Humility

Humility can be challenging in a world that often rewards boldness and self-promotion. However, Benedict's call for humility is about patience, love, and recognizing our own imperfections. He outlines 12 steps to achieve humility, many of which focus on knowing when to speak and when to remain silent.

To cultivate humility in your life:

1. Practice active listening and consider others' perspectives
2. Acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them
3. Be open to feedback and constructive criticism
4. Recognize and appreciate the contributions of others

Building Patience and Understanding

The nuns at Mount St. Scholastica demonstrate the practical application of humility and patience in their daily lives. When working together on a task, they begin by facing each other and saying, "As Jesus would want it, have patience with me." This simple practice acknowledges that we all have flaws and need understanding from others.

To foster patience and understanding in your relationships:

1. Assume good intentions in others' actions
2. Take a deep breath and count to ten before reacting in frustrating situations
3. Practice empathy by trying to understand others' perspectives
4. Communicate your own needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully

Finding Balance Through Prayer and Poetry

Benedict stressed the importance of balancing work with rest, leisure, and prayer. In our modern, fast-paced world, this balance is often neglected, leading to burnout and exhaustion.

The Dangers of Overwork

The author shares her personal experience of being hospitalized with anemia and exhaustion due to overworking. This cautionary tale highlights the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care. Benedict advises against taking on more than we can handle and emphasizes that work should not cause distress.

To avoid burnout and maintain a healthy work-life balance:

1. Set clear boundaries between work and personal time
2. Learn to say no to additional commitments when necessary
3. Prioritize self-care activities like exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep
4. Regularly assess your workload and make adjustments as needed

The Power of Regular Reflection

Monks practice the Liturgy of the Hours, setting aside dedicated prayer times throughout the day. While not everyone follows a religious practice, the principle of regular reflection can be beneficial for anyone. These moments of pause allow us to step back from the demands of the day and refocus on our place in the world.

To incorporate regular reflection into your routine:

1. Set aside specific times each day for quiet contemplation
2. Use journaling as a tool for self-reflection
3. Practice mindfulness or meditation techniques
4. Engage in activities that help you connect with your inner self, such as yoga or nature walks

The Meditative Power of Poetry

The author learned about the similarities between haiku poetry and prayer during her time at Gethsemani Abbey. Writing haiku can offer a moment of pause and observation, helping to capture the world around us in a brief, focused way.

To explore the meditative power of poetry:

1. Try writing haiku or other short-form poetry as a daily practice
2. Read poetry that resonates with you and reflect on its meaning
3. Use poetic techniques like imagery and metaphor to describe your experiences
4. Share your poetry with others as a way of connecting and expressing yourself

The Importance of Forgiveness and Hospitality

Benedict recognized that forgiveness and hospitality are crucial for maintaining peaceful relationships and building strong communities.

The Burden of Grudges

The author shares a personal story of a long-standing rift with her brother over their parents' finances. This experience illustrates how holding onto grudges can weigh us down emotionally and cloud our judgment. Benedict advises resolving disputes quickly, saying, "If you have a dispute with anyone, make peace before the sun goes down."

To practice forgiveness in your life:

1. Reflect on any grudges or resentments you're holding onto
2. Try to see the situation from the other person's perspective
3. Consider the emotional toll of holding onto anger or hurt
4. Take steps to communicate and resolve conflicts, even if it's challenging

Empathy and Understanding

The author reflects on how she could have been more empathetic to her brother's feelings, given his history of caring for their parents. This realization highlights the importance of trying to understand others' motivations and experiences, even in difficult situations.

To cultivate empathy and understanding:

1. Practice active listening in your conversations
2. Ask questions to better understand others' perspectives
3. Reflect on times when you've felt misunderstood and use that insight to inform your interactions
4. Seek out diverse experiences and viewpoints to broaden your understanding of others

The Practice of Hospitality

Benedict's call for hospitality emphasizes treating all people, especially those in need, with kindness and respect. This principle is demonstrated by Benedictine monasteries in America that sponsor refugee families or help people in need, regardless of their beliefs or backgrounds.

To incorporate hospitality into your life:

1. Look for opportunities to help those in need in your community
2. Practice inclusivity by welcoming people from diverse backgrounds
3. Offer your time, resources, or skills to support charitable causes
4. Create a welcoming environment in your home or workplace for others

Leadership and Personal Growth

The Rule of St. Benedict offers wisdom not only on personal conduct but also on effective leadership and continuous self-improvement.

The Leader as Servant

Benedict's view of leadership emphasizes the idea that a leader ultimately works for the community. This perspective challenges the notion of leadership as a position of power and control, instead framing it as a responsibility to serve others.

To practice servant leadership:

1. Prioritize the needs of your team or community over personal gain
2. Seek input from others before making important decisions
3. Take responsibility for mistakes and avoid blaming others
4. Lead by example, demonstrating the values and behaviors you expect from others

Admitting Faults and Continuous Improvement

Benedict encourages his community to admit their faults immediately, recognizing that acknowledging our shortcomings can strip them of their power over us. This practice aligns with modern ideas about personal growth and continuous improvement.

To embrace personal growth:

1. Regularly reflect on your actions and their impact on others
2. Be open to feedback and criticism, viewing them as opportunities for improvement
3. Set personal goals for self-improvement and track your progress
4. Practice self-compassion, recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and has room for growth

Collaborative Decision-Making

The author contrasts the "do-it-because-I-say-so" approach of some bosses with the more collaborative decision-making process in monasteries. This collaborative approach can lead to better outcomes and increased buy-in from team members.

To implement collaborative decision-making:

1. Seek input from all stakeholders before making important decisions
2. Create a safe environment where team members feel comfortable sharing their opinions
3. Consider diverse perspectives and encourage healthy debate
4. Be transparent about the decision-making process and the reasoning behind final choices

Environmental Stewardship and Awe

Benedict's teachings emphasize the interconnectedness of all things and the importance of caring for our environment.

Treating the World as Sacred

Chapter 31 of The Rule instructs monks to "Regard all utensils and goods of the monastery as sacred vessels of the altar." This principle can be extended to how we view and treat the natural world around us.

To practice environmental stewardship:

1. Reduce your environmental impact through sustainable practices
2. Support conservation efforts and environmental causes
3. Educate yourself and others about environmental issues
4. Make conscious choices about consumption and waste

Recognizing Interconnectedness

The book uses the example of the US Forest Service's wolf-killing program to illustrate how actions in one part of an ecosystem can have far-reaching consequences. This story highlights the importance of considering the broader impact of our actions on the world around us.

To cultivate awareness of interconnectedness:

1. Learn about local ecosystems and how different species interact
2. Consider the ripple effects of your actions on others and the environment
3. Support initiatives that take a holistic approach to problem-solving
4. Practice systems thinking in your personal and professional life

Living with Awe and Gratitude

Benedict encourages us to maintain a sense of awe and gratitude for the world around us. This practice can help us find beauty and meaning in even the most challenging circumstances.

To cultivate awe and gratitude:

1. Take time each day to notice and appreciate the beauty in your surroundings
2. Keep a gratitude journal, recording things you're thankful for
3. Share your appreciation with others, expressing gratitude for their presence in your life
4. Seek out new experiences that inspire wonder and amazement

Meaningful Work and Contemplation

Benedict sought to make work a holy pursuit, emphasizing the importance of balancing action with contemplation.

Finding Purpose in Work

The author reflects on her career as a journalist, noting that despite her success, she often felt something was missing. Benedict's teachings suggest that meaningful work should be part of a life that is respectful, helps others, and treats all things as sacred.

To find greater purpose in your work:

1. Reflect on how your work contributes to the greater good
2. Look for opportunities to help others through your professional skills
3. Align your career choices with your personal values
4. Seek ways to make your workplace more ethical and socially responsible

Balancing Action and Contemplation

The Benedictine motto "ora et labora" (pray and work) emphasizes the importance of balancing action with contemplation. This principle can be applied to secular life as well, encouraging us to find time for both productivity and reflection.

To balance action and contemplation:

1. Set aside regular time for reflection, meditation, or journaling
2. Practice mindfulness during your daily activities
3. Take breaks throughout the day to reset and refocus
4. Engage in hobbies or activities that nurture your inner life

Embracing the Ongoing Process

The concept of "conversatio morum" in The Rule refers to the ongoing process of personal growth and transformation. This idea reminds us that self-improvement is a lifelong journey rather than a destination.

To embrace the ongoing process of growth:

1. Set small, achievable goals for personal development
2. Regularly reassess your values and priorities
3. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that change takes time
4. Celebrate small victories and learn from setbacks

Final Thoughts: The Enduring Wisdom of St. Benedict

Although The Rule of St. Benedict was written over 1,400 years ago, its principles continue to offer valuable guidance for modern living. By emphasizing deep listening, self-awareness, balance, and community, Benedict's teachings provide a framework for creating more meaningful and fulfilling lives.

Key takeaways from "How to Live" include:

1. Practice deep listening and empathy in your relationships
2. Cultivate awareness of your surroundings and embrace the present moment
3. Find balance between work, rest, and contemplation
4. Embrace silence and humility as tools for personal growth
5. Practice forgiveness and hospitality to build stronger communities
6. Approach leadership as a form of service to others
7. Recognize the interconnectedness of all things and practice environmental stewardship
8. Seek purpose in your work and balance action with reflection
9. Embrace personal growth as an ongoing, lifelong process

By incorporating these principles into our daily lives, we can work towards creating more harmonious communities, finding greater inner peace, and living with purpose and meaning. The wisdom of St. Benedict reminds us that despite the challenges and complexities of modern life, there are timeless truths that can guide us towards a more fulfilling existence.

As we navigate the ups and downs of life, it's worth remembering Benedict's concept of "conversatio morum" – the ongoing process of growth and transformation. This idea encourages us to be patient with ourselves and others, recognizing that personal development is a journey rather than a destination. By embracing this perspective, we can approach each day as an opportunity for learning, growth, and positive change.

In a world that often feels chaotic and divided, the teachings of St. Benedict offer a roadmap for building stronger connections, finding inner peace, and living with greater purpose. While we may not be able to follow The Rule to the letter in our modern lives, its underlying principles can serve as a valuable guide for navigating the complexities of contemporary existence.

As we close this exploration of "How to Live," it's worth reflecting on how we can apply these ancient teachings to our own lives. Whether it's practicing deep listening in our relationships, finding moments of silence in our busy days, or approaching our work with a sense of purpose and balance, there are countless ways to incorporate Benedict's wisdom into our daily routines.

By doing so, we may find that we're not only improving our own lives but also contributing to the creation of more harmonious and compassionate communities. In this way, the centuries-old teachings of St. Benedict continue to offer a path towards a more fulfilling and meaningful life, even in our modern world.