Introduction
In today's fast-paced world, making a good first impression is more important than ever. Nicholas Boothman's book, "How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less," offers practical advice on how to connect with others quickly and effectively. This book is a valuable resource for anyone looking to improve their social skills, expand their network, or simply make more friends.
Boothman argues that the first 90 seconds of an interaction are crucial in determining whether a connection will be made. He provides readers with a set of tools and techniques to make the most of these critical moments, ensuring that they leave a lasting positive impression on everyone they meet.
The Importance of Bonding
Humans are social creatures by nature. Our ancestors understood the benefits of living in communities, and this desire to connect with others remains a fundamental part of who we are today. Boothman emphasizes that bonding with others is not just a pleasant social activity; it's essential for our health, well-being, and success.
Health Benefits
Research has shown that people with strong social connections tend to live longer and healthier lives. A study by Dr. Lisa Berkman of the Harvard School of Health Sciences found that individuals lacking quality social or community connections were three times more likely to die of medical illnesses compared to those with strong social ties. This highlights the profound impact that social connections can have on our physical health.
Success and Opportunities
Beyond health benefits, having a wide social network can open doors to numerous opportunities. Whether you're looking for a new job, seeking a romantic partner, or trying to get tickets to a sold-out event, having connections can make all the difference. Your network of friends, acquaintances, and colleagues can provide valuable information, introductions, and support that can help you achieve your goals.
The 90-Second Window
While the benefits of bonding are clear, making connections isn't always easy, especially when meeting new people. Boothman introduces the concept of the "90-second window," which is the critical period during which people form their first impressions. If you don't spark someone's interest within this time frame, it becomes much harder to establish a connection later on.
The good news is that it's possible to make a strong, positive impression within this short timeframe. Boothman provides a set of skills and techniques that can help you maximize your chances of connecting with others in those crucial first moments.
Body Language, Eyes, and Facial Expressions
When you first meet someone, they start forming an impression of you before you even speak. Your body language, eye contact, and facial expressions play a crucial role in how others perceive you. Boothman emphasizes the importance of projecting openness and sincerity through these non-verbal cues.
Body Positioning
To display openness, position your body with your heart aimed directly at the person you're meeting. This communicates sincerity and a readiness to connect. It shows that you're fully committed to the interaction and not looking for an escape route.
Eye Contact
Making direct eye contact is essential for establishing trust. When you look someone in the eyes, it shows that you're engaged, confident, and trustworthy. However, be careful not to stare, as this can make people uncomfortable. Aim for a balance of steady eye contact with natural breaks.
Facial Expressions
Your facial expression is the first thing people notice about you. Boothman advises being the first to smile when meeting someone new. A genuine smile communicates warmth, friendliness, and a positive attitude. It sets the tone for the interaction and makes the other person more likely to respond positively.
Breaking the Ice
After setting a welcoming mood with your body language and facial expression, it's time to break the ice. Boothman suggests keeping it simple:
- Offer a standard greeting like "hi" or "hello" in a pleasant tone.
- Tell the person your first name.
- Encourage them to introduce themselves.
- Repeat their name to help you remember it and to show that you're paying attention.
The Lean
To further indicate interest and openness, slightly lean towards the other person. This subtle movement shows that you're engaged in the conversation and interested in what they have to say. You can combine this lean with a firm handshake or keep your hands by your sides, depending on the situation.
Developing the Right Attitude
While techniques and body language are important, Boothman emphasizes that having the right attitude is crucial for establishing rapport. He introduces the concept of "useful" and "useless" attitudes.
Useful vs. Useless Attitudes
A useful attitude focuses on what you want to achieve from an interaction, while a useless attitude dwells on what you don't want. When you adopt a useful attitude, you naturally display positive body language and facial expressions that make you more likable. Conversely, a useless attitude leads to passive or negative body language that can put people off.
Setting Conversation Goals
To develop a useful attitude, Boothman suggests deciding what you want from each conversation before it begins. Consider your end goal and the approach that will help you reach it efficiently. This mindset helps you stay focused and positive, even in challenging situations.
For example, if your flight is canceled and you need to find an alternative, a useful attitude would focus on finding someone who can help you get another flight. This approach is more likely to lead to a positive outcome than getting angry or frustrated with airline staff.
Open and Consistent Body Language
Building on the concept of useful attitudes, Boothman delves deeper into the specifics of effective body language. He categorizes body language into two main types: open and closed.
Open Body Language
Open body language exposes your heart and body, signaling that you're willing and enthusiastic about communicating. When two people begin a conversation with their hearts facing each other, they form a powerful connection and mutual trust is likely to increase. Examples of open body language include:
- Uncrossed arms
- Facing the other person directly
- Maintaining an open posture
Closed Body Language
Closed body language, on the other hand, protects the heart and expresses resistance, frustration, impatience, or nervousness. Common examples include:
- Crossed arms
- Turning your body sideways relative to your conversation partner
- Avoiding eye contact
Facial Expressions
Body language isn't just about your body; it also includes your facial expressions. An open face smiles, makes eye contact, and displays clear expressions such as raised eyebrows. A closed face looks stern and avoids eye contact.
Consistency is Key
Boothman emphasizes the importance of displaying a consistent message across your whole body. Inconsistencies between what you say, how you say it, and your body language can make people uncomfortable and doubt your sincerity.
He cites the work of Albert Mehrabian, a former UCLA psychology professor, who found that credibility depends on the congruity of three communicative aspects:
- The vocal (how you say it)
- The verbal (what you say)
- The visual (your body language)
When these three aspects are aligned, you appear more credible and trustworthy. When they're not, it creates discomfort and undermines your message.
The Power of Mirroring
Boothman introduces the concept of mirroring as a powerful tool for building rapport. Mirroring, or synchronizing with others, is a natural human behavior that starts from birth and continues throughout our lives.
The Science of Synchronization
Humans have a natural tendency to synchronize with others. This synchronization is evident in various aspects of our lives:
- Babies synchronize their body rhythms with their mothers
- Adults often adopt similar tastes in clothes as their partners
- We tend to smile back when someone smiles at us
- Yawning is contagious
This synchronization plays a crucial role in building rapport. We generally feel more comfortable around people who are in sync with us, and studies have shown that we tend to hire and even date people who look like us.
How to Use Mirroring
When it comes to increasing your likeability, mirroring involves discreetly copying and subtly imitating the gestures, body posture, facial expressions, breathing, and tone of voice of your conversation partner. The key is to be subtle and natural in your mirroring; obvious mimicry can come across as mocking or insincere.
Mirroring in Practice
Mirroring is particularly useful in sales situations, where a mismatch in communication styles can derail a potential sale. For example, if you're a naturally gregarious salesperson dealing with a quiet, reserved customer, it's important to match their energy level and speaking style to make them feel comfortable.
Voice synchronization is especially powerful. If your conversation partner speaks in a quiet voice and you tend to be louder, lowering your own voice can help put them at ease. They'll feel more comfortable speaking with someone who shares their gentle tone.
The Art of Conversation
While non-verbal communication is crucial, the content of your conversation is equally important in making a good impression. Boothman provides guidance on how to start and maintain engaging conversations.
Asking the Right Questions
Questions are excellent conversation starters, but not all questions are created equal. Boothman categorizes questions into two types:
Open questions: These invite people to talk and share more information. They typically start with words like "Who," "When," "What," "Where," "How," and "Why."
Closed questions: These encourage yes or no responses and are formed with phrases like "Are you...," "Have you..." and "Do you…."
To keep a conversation flowing, it's best to use open questions. For example, instead of asking, "Do you like this restaurant?" (a closed question), you could ask, "What do you think of the chef's specialty here?" (an open question).
Active Listening
Asking good questions is only half of the conversation equation. The other half is active listening. This involves not just hearing the words being spoken, but also paying attention to the speaker's feelings and emotions.
Boothman provides several tips for active listening:
- Maintain appropriate eye contact (but avoid staring)
- Face your body towards the speaker
- Lean in slightly to show interest
- Nod your head when you agree with what's being said
- Don't interrupt
- Respond enthusiastically to what's been said
By combining open questions with active listening, you can create engaging, meaningful conversations that help you connect with others more deeply.
Understanding Sensory Preferences
Boothman introduces the concept of sensory preferences, based on the work of Richard Bandler and John Grinder, founders of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). According to this theory, people perceive the world primarily through one of three senses: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic.
Visual People
Visual people care a lot about how things look. They:
- Think in images
- Often dress sharply
- Talk very fast
- Use expressions like "How do you see yourself?" or "I see what you're saying"
Auditory People
Auditory people love conversation and sounds. They:
- Have fluid, melodic, expressive voices
- Often work in broadcasting, teaching, or law
- Use phrases like "Sounds familiar" or "Tell me more"
Kinesthetic People
Kinesthetic people focus on feelings and textures. They:
- Like solid things they can feel
- Have lower voices
- Prefer textured clothing
- Speak slowly
- Use expressions like "How do you feel about...?" or "I'll get in touch with her"
Adapting Your Communication Style
By matching your responses to a person's dominant sense, you can make that person like you more. For example:
- A visual person will appreciate if you speak quickly and dress nicely
- An auditory person will prefer clear speech and a pleasant tone of voice
- A kinesthetic person will respond well to a quiet, sensitive speaking style
Identifying Sensory Preferences
Boothman provides a simple trick to identify someone's sensory preference: watch their eye movements. When asked a question:
- Visual people tend to look up to the left or right
- Auditory people look left or right (toward their ears)
- Kinesthetic people look down to either side
By observing these cues, you can quickly adapt your communication style to match your conversation partner's preferences.
Putting It All Together
Boothman's techniques for making people like you in 90 seconds or less can be summarized in a few key steps:
Adopt a useful attitude: Focus on what you want to achieve from the interaction.
Use open body language: Position your body to show openness and sincerity.
Make eye contact and smile: Establish trust and warmth from the start.
Break the ice: Offer a simple greeting and introduce yourself.
Mirror your conversation partner: Subtly match their body language and speaking style.
Ask open questions: Encourage the other person to share more about themselves.
Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying.
Adapt to their sensory preference: Match your communication style to their dominant sense.
By combining these techniques, you can significantly increase your chances of making a positive first impression and connecting with others quickly and effectively.
The Long-Term Benefits
While Boothman's techniques focus on the first 90 seconds of an interaction, the benefits of mastering these skills extend far beyond initial meetings. By consistently applying these principles, you can:
Expand your social network: As you become more adept at connecting with others, you'll naturally expand your circle of friends and acquaintances.
Improve your professional life: Better communication skills can lead to more opportunities at work, from landing new clients to securing promotions.
Enhance your personal relationships: These techniques can help you deepen existing relationships and form new ones more easily.
Boost your confidence: As you become more comfortable meeting new people, your overall confidence will grow.
Improve your mental and physical health: Remember, strong social connections are linked to better health outcomes and longer life expectancy.
Overcoming Challenges
While Boothman's techniques are powerful, it's important to remember that becoming more likable is a skill that requires practice. You may face some challenges along the way:
Nervousness: It's normal to feel nervous when meeting new people. Remember to breathe deeply and focus on your useful attitude.
Rejection: Not every interaction will result in an instant connection, and that's okay. Don't take it personally; use it as a learning experience.
Authenticity concerns: Some people worry that using these techniques might make them seem inauthentic. Remember, the goal is to enhance your natural communication style, not to become someone you're not.
Consistency: It takes time to integrate these skills into your natural behavior. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing.
Conclusion
"How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less" provides a comprehensive toolkit for improving your social skills and making positive first impressions. By focusing on body language, attitude, conversation skills, and sensory preferences, Boothman offers a holistic approach to becoming more likable and connecting with others more effectively.
The book's core message is that likability is not an innate trait, but a skill that can be learned and improved. With practice and persistence, anyone can enhance their ability to connect with others quickly and meaningfully.
Remember, the goal is not just to be liked in the first 90 seconds, but to use that initial connection as a foundation for building lasting relationships. By mastering these techniques, you can open doors to new friendships, professional opportunities, and a more fulfilling social life.
Ultimately, Boothman's book reminds us of the profound importance of human connection in our lives. In a world that often feels increasingly disconnected, the ability to form genuine connections with others is more valuable than ever. By investing in your social skills and practicing the art of likability, you're not just improving your own life – you're contributing to a more connected, empathetic world.
So the next time you find yourself in a new social situation, remember: you have the power to make a positive impression in just 90 seconds. With the right attitude, body language, and conversation skills, you can turn strangers into friends and acquaintances into allies. The world is full of potential connections waiting to be made – all you need to do is take the first step.