How to Walk into a Room

Is life about settling into routines, or should it be about growth, new experiences, and the occasional leap into the unknown?

1. Understand your life as a house of rooms

Your life can be visualized as a house with various rooms, where each room represents a commitment, community, or relationship. These spaces can provide comfort or challenges, and understanding them is the first step to meaningful growth.

Consider how you feel in your current "rooms." Do they align with your values, or do they feel stagnant? Sometimes you may outgrow a room, even if it once felt like home. This assessment is not always easy, especially when emotions and past investments complicate the decision to move on.

The author suggests a method called "pointing and calling" for deeper self-awareness. This involves deliberately observing and naming the feelings and realities present in your spaces. By doing so, you can identify what aspects of your life are helping you grow and which ones might be holding you back.

Examples

• A looming job promotion that doesn't feel aligned with your skills or desires.
• A relationship that feels comforting but lacks mutual growth.
• A long-held role within a community that no longer resonates with your priorities.

2. The challenge of leaving

Leaving a room is rarely easy. It can feel like breaking a commitment or letting go of previous investments, but staying in a room for the wrong reasons can be just as harmful.

Acknowledging the type of ending you're facing—whether it's anticipated, forced, or chosen—can help you mentally prepare for what’s ahead. Each type of exit comes with lessons, opportunities, and grief that deserve respect and reflection.

The author emphasizes the importance of connecting with your "guideposts" when evaluating a departure. These guideposts include your spiritual personality and core values, which help clarify what truly matters to you in life and guide you toward better choices.

Examples

• Choosing to end a long-term friendship that no longer feels mutually enriching.
• Leaving a job you’ve outgrown despite financial comfort.
• Stepping away from a community that conflicts with your ethical principles.

3. Embrace the hallway moments

After leaving a room, you often find yourself in a hallway—a period of uncertainty and transition. While it can be uncomfortable, it’s a valuable space to reflect, pause, and realign with your path.

The hallway is a space for asking questions like: Who am I now? What do I want next? Avoid rushing to the next room; instead, use this time to grow and embrace the temporary nature of this passage.

Practices like breath prayers and mantras can help calm your mind and center your focus. For example, saying "For now, I will wait" while inhaling and exhaling brings patience and hope to uncertain times.

Examples

• A career gap after deciding to quit a high-stress job.
• Navigating singlehood after ending a long-term relationship.
• Taking time off from commitments to rediscover personal passions.

4. Discernment before decision-making

Discernment is a practice of deep reflection, prioritizing clarity and alignment over speed. It invites you to consider the nuances of your situation and avoid binary, one-size-fits-all decisions.

This process allows you to honor your values while weighing the emotional, relational, and spiritual implications of your choices. Listening to your intuition, observing signs, and consulting people you trust can guide you toward thoughtful decisions.

During discernment, it's important to distinguish between healthy fear and avoidance. Avoidance keeps you stuck, while productive discomfort can lead to growth and alignment.

Examples

• Deciding whether to stay in a challenging position that offers professional growth.
• Weighing the pros and cons of moving to a new city for love or independence.
• Reflecting deeply on conflicts between family expectations and personal values.

5. Let go of people-pleasing

People-pleasing often leads to decisions that betray personal values in favor of external approval. Breaking this habit allows you to make choices that align with your true self.

People-pleasing stems from fear and the desire to avoid conflict. Instead, aim for clarity and boundaries. You cannot truly connect with others by suppressing your authentic self.

The book encourages readers to embrace the discomfort of standing out. Being a differentiated leader means holding onto your beliefs while remaining empathetic toward others.

Examples

• Refusing to take on additional workload despite pressure from colleagues.
• Standing firm on a principle during a family disagreement.
• Saying no to social invitations that drain your energy.

6. Walk into the new room with intention

Entering a new room requires intention and openness. Reflecting on what’s ending, continuing, and beginning can help you transition with authenticity.

Start by embracing the lessons of your past without letting them define your future. Enter the room as both a leader, confident in your identity, and a listener, ready to connect with the world around you.

Pay attention to your internal signals as you step forward. Feelings like excitement or unease can guide your perception of whether this new room aligns with your values.

Examples

• Starting a new job and deciding how to balance ambition and well-being.
• Joining a different religious community after leaving a previous one.
• Moving into a new home and embracing fresh routines.

7. Use your personal guideposts

Your spiritual personality and core values are beacons that can clarify your path. By connecting deeply with these inner truths, you find alignment in your choices.

Spirituality reflects how you experience awe, meaning, and transcendence. Your core values, on the other hand, reflect the principles you hold dearest. Together, they guide you toward a life in alignment with your truest self.

Both require ongoing reflection. By revisiting your beliefs and principles regularly, you ensure that your choices remain authentic to who you are right now.

Examples

• Exploring your sense of purpose through daily meditation or journaling.
• Committing time to what aligns with your value of family connectivity.
• Letting go of outdated beliefs that no longer match your experiences.

8. Listen deeply when you arrive

Arriving in a new room requires more than your presence. Listen—not just to others, but to your body and heart, which offer unspoken wisdom.

Observing your nervous system can reveal whether you feel excitement or dread. Your body often reacts before your mind catches up, telling you if the new room is the right space for you.

This practice guards against impulsive decisions and helps you build belonging intentionally. It involves patience, self-awareness, and engagement with the present moment.

Examples

• Feeling relief and joy after meeting new colleagues in a chosen career path.
• Experiencing stillness upon entering a place of worship after a period of spiritual searching.
• Noticing repeated unease in a new relationship or friendship signaling potential reevaluation.

9. Accept the transient nature of home

Belonging isn’t always permanent. Instead of rigidly holding onto spaces, embrace the idea that home evolves as you evolve.

The author reflects on finding a spiritual home within a Quaker meetinghouse. The simplicity and openness of the space resonated with her guideposts and provided a sense of temporary, yet profound, belonging.

A room may not be forever, but the lessons you learn in it will go with you. This flexibility allows you to move through life with grace and gratitude for each experience.

Examples

• Understanding that a job may be fulfilling now but not forever.
• Accepting the progression of relationships as seasons of mutual growth and love.
• Moving from one spiritual or philosophical practice to another as your understanding deepens.

Takeaways

1. Regularly reflect on your rooms using the pointing and calling method to assess what’s working and what’s not.
2. Spend time in the hallway between decisions, using breath prayers or mantras for patience and self-awareness.
3. Enter new spaces with the confidence of knowing yourself and the openness to learn and listen deeply.