How to Work with (Almost) Anyone

“What changes if you start your most important working relationships with intention and a shared framework for success?”

1. The Recipe for Strong Work Relationships

Great workplace relationships don’t just happen; they require careful thought and planning. Michael Bungay Stanier compares it to cooking – a successful collaboration is like creating a memorable dish, blending the right ingredients.

To build strong foundations, start with the "Amplify Question" and identify someone’s best qualities. This helps recognize their strengths and builds synergy. Then, ask the "Steady Question" to understand their practices and preferences, creating alignment. Dive into successful and unsuccessful past collaborations by asking the "Good Date Question" and "Bad Date Question." Finally, the "Repair Question" ensures both parties agree on how to fix issues.

Examples

• Discovering a colleague's preference for detailed project structures can improve teamwork.
• Learning from a past failed partnership avoids repeating mistakes in new interactions.
• Having an agreed repair plan avoids miscommunication during tense situations.

2. Keystone Conversations and Their Structure

A keystone conversation serves as the foundation of an effective colleague relationship. It’s like assembling a mosaic – each piece symbolizes shared understanding.

Start with openness by framing the conversation positively, avoiding dreaded phrases like “We need to talk.” Prepare colleagues with questions that explore strengths, past experiences, and mutual goals. Create a welcoming atmosphere by fostering safety and curiosity during discussions. Lastly, reflect on what was learned and express gratitude for the opportunity to connect.

Examples

• Choosing a neutral coffee shop for the meeting can reduce tension.
• Using phrases like “Tell me more about that” encourages deeper dialogue.
• Ending with “What do you now understand better about our relationship?” reinforces progress.

3. Sustaining the Orbit of Relationships

Maintaining workplace relationships is like two celestial bodies orbiting together. It’s not static – continuous actions are necessary to stay aligned.

Show curiosity by seeking to understand behaviors rather than judging them prematurely. Embrace vulnerability by sharing concerns or personal challenges, which humanizes the connection. Add kindness by assuming good intentions in the other person’s actions. These elements strengthen trust and foster positive interactions.

Examples

• Choosing a friendly response instead of annoyance when a colleague misses a deadline.
• Admitting, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by this project” invites empathy and assistance.
• Asking, “What made you approach the task this way?” reflects curiosity rather than criticism.

4. Recognizing the Need for Adjustments and Repairs

Work relationships need frequent tune-ups to stay on track. Adjustments maintain harmony, while timely repairs resolve friction.

Notice when the connection’s rhythm feels "off" and address it directly. Use respectful and open phrases like, “Is everything okay?” to start the discussion. Even small conflicts deserve attention to avoid escalation. In extreme cases, openly discuss the possibility of resetting the relationship to renew focus and collaboration.

Examples

• Proactively checking in when energy during meetings feels different.
• A repair conversation post-conflict prevents lingering resentment.
• Proposing, “Should we take a fresh look at how we work together?” during stagnation.

5. Mapping Facts, Judgments, Feelings, and Wants

Understanding problems objectively requires mapping facts, judgments, feelings, and wants. Separate these elements for clarity and shared understanding.

Facts reflect what actually happened, while judgments interpret those events. Feelings are emotional responses often rooted in personal views, and wants reflect underlying desires. Sorting these elements untangles misunderstandings, providing a roadmap for action.

Examples

• Instead of assuming laziness, noting that a report wasn’t completed (fact).
• Saying, “I feel frustrated because I perceive this as a lack of effort” translates judgment to emotion.
• Outlining, “I’d appreciate more communication around progress” clarifies a want.

6. Balancing the Dynamics of Power

Power dynamics impact workplace relationships. Being "one-up" or "one-down" can shift the balance and create tension.

Find balance by being aware of positional dynamics. If you're in a leadership role, empower others rather than dominate. If you're in a lower-power position, communicate confidently and assertively to level the playing field.

Examples

• A manager giving more autonomy to team members fosters equity.
• Encouraging a junior colleague to share ideas during meetings balances group dynamics.
• Speaking up to share perspective in a meeting establishes equal footing with peers.

7. Curiosity and Cooperation as Building Blocks

Curiosity fosters a deeper understanding of others, while cooperation ensures the work relationship thrives.

Ask thoughtful questions to learn what motivates colleagues. Approach misunderstandings with the intention to clarify and assist. Collaboration strengthens when people feel their preferences and challenges are acknowledged without judgment.

Examples

• Asking, “How do you usually work best on tight deadlines?” promotes learning.
• A teammate struggling with time management gets reassurance and strategies instead of criticism.
• Seeking input before assuming tasks creates shared ownership.

8. Identifying Early Signals of Trouble

Noticing glitches early prevents them from growing into larger issues. Subtle discomforts or changes in tone are worth exploring.

When something feels off, be proactive. Respectfully seek clarification rather than making assumptions. Quick action avoids mistrust or miscommunication from festering.

Examples

• A change in someone’s typical communication patterns signals disengagement.
• Sudden disagreements during planning discussions call for reconciliation.
• Addressing a lingering misunderstanding about roles clarifies expectations.

9. Ending Well When Needed

Sometimes, relationships reach the end of their productivity. When that happens, ending gracefully preserves respect.

Acknowledgment of the good moments and learning can smooth transitions. Even in termination, maintain professionalism and understanding. The goal is to part on positive terms rather than with unresolved bitterness.

Examples

• Thanking a departing colleague for their contributions during their farewell.
• Agreeing on clear next steps if a project partnership is no longer working.
• Recapping shared achievements before concluding a working relation.

Takeaways

1. Start purposeful conversations with colleagues using the five key questions to establish trust and clarity early.
2. Regularly check in to make small adjustments and repairs in your workplace relationships to prevent conflicts from escalating.
3. Remain curious, kind, and open when navigating misunderstandings or differences to foster stronger bonds and better outcomes.