How We Heal Summary

“The stories we tell ourselves are powerful enough to control who we believe we are.” Alexandra Elle invites us to rewrite these narratives, letting go of what no longer serves us to heal, rediscover joy, and embrace self-love.

1. Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination

Healing is often misunderstood as a one-time goal. The reality is, healing is an ongoing and evolving process, requiring patience and mindful effort.

There will be times when you feel like you’ve made significant progress, only for a past experience or trigger to send you back to square one. Instead of seeing this as failure, recognize it as an opportunity to start over with greater awareness and emotional tools you’ve already gained. It’s about facing emotional setbacks with courage rather than discouragement.

Self-forgiveness plays a key role in this process. Struggling with guilt or shame about past mistakes can become a barrier to progress. By forgiving yourself for perceived failures and recognizing your humanity, you can pave the way for emotional growth and resilience.

Examples

• Healing from childhood trauma might re-surface during everyday situations, such as an argument or a memory.
• Starting therapy after thinking you had already “dealt with” an issue shows the cyclical nature of emotional healing.
• Writing letters of forgiveness to yourself serves as a proactive method to redefine your relationship with self-doubt.

2. Facing Fear Without Judgment

Fear and pain often remain unaddressed, hidden behind layers of avoidance and distraction. To heal, it is essential to name and befriend your fear so it no longer has power over you.

When you openly confront fear, you create space for growth and transformation. This will require reframing how you think about fear, allowing yourself to sit with uncomfortable emotions rather than running from them. Compassion and accountability go hand in hand during this step.

This isn’t about eliminating fear altogether – that’s unrealistic. Instead, it’s about learning to coexist with it in a way that pushes you forward. Positive self-talk and consistent affirmations can help create a healthier relationship with these emotions.

Examples

• Journaling about what fears hold you back helps make the intangible concrete.
• Practicing daily positive affirmations such as, “I am safe, I am strong, I am healing,” builds resilience.
• During moments of fear, pausing and saying, “What can I learn from this?” reframes the narrative.

3. The Power of Writing as a Tool

Journaling serves as a meditative and restorative way to process emotions and rewrite personal narratives. Through writing, individuals can clearly see their patterns and begin reshaping them.

Your story, your emotions, and your fears become more manageable when written down. At the same time, it offers a safe space to explore past events, unravel unhelpful thought processes, and imagine healthier alternatives. Writing also gives you the structure to practice vulnerability, something essential for healing.

This exercise pushes you to identify false beliefs and self-imposed boundaries. By rewriting your personal story, you reclaim control and remind yourself of your ability to grow and transform.

Examples

• Keeping a gratitude journal transforms feelings of scarcity into abundance.
• Writing “Self-Love Stepping Stones” provides action plans for healing.
• Creating a “Wanted vs. Needed” list helps connect to unmet emotional needs.

4. Inner Child Connection

Many struggles in adulthood stem from unresolved emotions rooted in childhood experiences. Connecting with your inner child allows you to address emotional wounds and nurture your younger self.

This involves directly communicating with the child you once were, offering them the kindness and reassurance they may not have received. As you do so, recognize that your childhood self is still part of your current life; nurturing them heals both past and present.

Engaging with your inner child isn’t about dwelling on old pain. Instead, it’s about offering yourself the compassion you deserved back then to ultimately reclaim joy and confidence now.

Examples

• Reflecting on specific moments from childhood where you felt unprotected and imagining offering your younger self comfort today.
• Writing affirmations to your younger self like, “You deserve to feel loved and safe.”
• Mentally transporting yourself to a happy memory and holding onto that sense of innocence and possibility.

5. Forgiveness Frees Emotional Space

One of the hardest but most liberating steps in the healing process lies in forgivness–of both yourself and others. Releasing resentment allows you to shift focus from past pain to present possibilities.

Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning harmful actions. It’s about choosing not to let those memories hold power over your future decisions. This step calls for an acknowledgment of what happened followed by conscious detachment.

Forgiveness unlocks the emotional energy needed to truly engage with the life you want to create. Holding onto anger or regret often takes up more space than the original event itself, stalling progress.

Examples

• Writing forgiveness letters you never send can untangle unresolved grievances.
• Meditating on the phrase, “I choose peace over the past,” helps reframe focus.
• Consciously forgiving small, daily frustrations builds resilience for bigger challenges.

6. Rest is Essential, Not Optional

Healing work is exhausting. Rest is an essential part of the journey, not an afterthought. Just as the body needs recovery time after physical exertion, the mind and spirit need moments of quiet reflection and recharging.

People often push through emotional pain without resting, fearing they’ll lose momentum. Instead, rest allows your progress to settle and become sustainable. Nonlinear healing requires rythms of effort and restoration.

Rest isn’t passive. Actively choosing to pause reminds you to give yourself grace and prioritize long-term well-being.

Examples

• Taking time off from emotional work, like skipping a journaling session when overwhelmed.
• Practicing mindfulness via activities that bring joy, such as music or art.
• Scheduling "mental health days" ensures balance.

7. Finding Joy in the Process

Healing doesn’t mean you must be in constant pain. It’s possible–and necessary–to welcome joy into your life even during difficult times.

Allowing yourself to laugh, love, and embrace life doesn’t negate the seriousness of your healing. It complements it. Moments of happiness act as anchors, reminding you that there’s light at the end of hardship.

Acknowledging small joys as they arise–noticing a beautiful sunset, sharing laughter with a friend–grounds you during challenging moments.

Examples

• Practicing gratitude daily by noting three things you’re thankful for.
• Revisiting joyful memories to reconnect with positivity during hard days.
• Initiating “playful” rituals, like dancing or singing, to disrupt negative spirals.

8. Gratitude Shifts Perspectives

Embracing gratitude is transformative. This mindset doesn’t deny pain but reframes it, enabling you to see how life’s challenges contribute to personal growth.

Being grateful involves more than compiling lists of positive things. It means cultivating an attitude that appreciates life’s complexities. Over time, gratitude rewires your approach to stress, fostering resilience.

Gratitude aligns your focus on abundance rather than lack.

Examples

• Reflecting on lessons learned from a setback.
• Creating a ritual of thanking your body at the end of each day.
• Gratitude journaling, especially on hard days, builds mental stability.

9. You Are the Source of Your Own Power

Ultimately, the book emphasizes that healing begins and ends with you. You are your own best resource when it comes to processing pain and moving forward.

External supports like therapy or friendships assist, but no one else can do the work of healing for you. By reclaiming your power and rewriting disempowering narratives, you shape the life you wish to lead.

This doesn’t mean isolating yourself. Instead, it’s about realizing that the solutions to your healing are already inside you waiting to be uncovered.

Examples

• Speaking affirmations such as, “I am worthy of peace and healing.”
• Reexaming personal goals to focus on what brings individual fulfillment.
• Placing manageable responsibility for emotions back into your own hands.

Takeaways

1. Start writing daily letters to yourself, practicing forgiveness and learning from past experiences.
2. Create “Stepping Stones” with actionable ways to develop self-love and reflect on them whenever needed.
3. Embrace joy and gratitude by actively seeking moments of happiness, even during harder days.