I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was

Knowing what you want is the first step to living the life you desire – but what if uncovering that desire is your biggest challenge?

1. Expectations Cloud Your Vision

Many people struggle to identify what they truly desire because they are surrounded by the expectations of others. These societal and familial ideals often overshadow personal dreams and can make it hard to hear one’s own voice.

Barbara Sher explains how expectations manifest through the stories others create about us, explicitly or subtly. For instance, a child in a family of doctors might be consistently pushed toward a medical career. Meanwhile, subtler influences, like parental disapproval of certain fields, also steer choices unconsciously. These outside influences fill our minds with "noise," drowning out the voice of what we actually want.

Sher provides practical strategies for overcoming this challenge. First, list everyone who matters to you and their perceived expectations. Then, reflect on decisions you’ve made based on these perceptions. Analyze which choices have brought joy and which haven’t. This method lets you untangle external expectations from genuine personal desires so that your next steps align with what feels right for you.

Examples

• A student pivots from architecture to creative writing after realizing her major was influenced by her father’s dream of having an architect in the family.
• A son from a line of lawyers finally accepts his passion for woodworking despite years of steering clear of a “low-prestige” job.
• One man quits an uninspired corporate job after acknowledging it fulfilled societal expectations but not his own dreams.

2. Start Small to Break Non-Action

Stagnation often springs from the pressure of pursuing a perfect solution. Taking no action at all is a common block for those who don't know what they want. The key, Sher argues, is to experiment and take small steps.

Experimentation provides crucial feedback—both about what we do enjoy and what we don’t. Even activities we dislike have value by process of elimination. Furthermore, taking small actions builds confidence and opens the door for serendipitous opportunities that wouldn’t exist otherwise. Lastly, small trial-and-error moments attune us to our instincts, honing our ability to sense what feels right.

Sher illustrates this process by encouraging readers to try even "unpromising" options. Whether pursuing hobbies, shadowing someone at their job, or just committing to a new experience for one day, these actions reduce inertia and open up possibilities. The act of trying helps retrain one’s mindset while narrowing down appealing paths.

Examples

• A man unsure of his career goal volunteers at different nonprofits and eventually discovers a passion for environmental work.
• A woman tries her hand at yoga instruction and realizes teaching isn’t for her—but develops an appreciation for the practice itself.
• Someone attends a painting workshop out of curiosity and unexpectedly finds a love for visual arts.

3. Resistances Hide Deeper Truths

Hidden resistance often operates behind the scenes, preventing us from making progress toward clarity. This resistance stems from fears, insecurities, or unspoken doubts that remain unexamined.

Sher suggests imagining your dream job in extreme detail. If that idea evokes discomfort or skepticism, it may signal underlying blocks. For instance, feeling unworthy of success, fearing failure, or worrying about external judgment can all serve as subtle brakes on ambition. Identifying these thoughts is essential for decoding the internal mechanisms behind resistance.

To dismantle hidden roadblocks, Sher recommends transitioning fantasies into safe steps. Transforming “perfect work” fantasies into tangible experiments helps ground possibilities in reality. Acknowledging fears without judgment allows for slow and mindful work in bypassing them.

Examples

• A woman terrified of public speaking dreams of hosting a talk show but starts easing into her fear by joining a small book club.
• An aspiring chef keeps avoiding cooking classes because they fear rejection but experiments by cooking privately for friends instead.
• Someone who resists applying for a dream job slowly develops confidence by upgrading their resume and researching the position.

4. Choosing Safety Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Passion

Many stay in “safe” jobs not because they lack ambition, but due to a deeper pull for stability. Balancing purpose and security can feel like competing objectives, but Sher insists they don’t have to.

Take Jerry, for example, who worked a well-paying editorial job but dreamed of being a screenwriter. Instead of quitting outright, his solution was to write scripts for just an hour each evening. This validated his identity as a writer without sacrificing other needs like financial security or workplace camaraderie.

For those bound by fear of instability—including lingering childhood experiences or overly rigid upbringings—making small but consistent time for passion helps balance security with fulfillment.

Examples

• A man with an artistic dream takes evening photography classes while staying employed as an accountant.
• A woman struggling with time quits ironing laundry and starts painting in that time slot.
• A father splits weekend hours between working toward his small business and family commitments.

5. Success Doesn’t Equal Fulfillment

It's surprising how often people achieve culturally defined "success" but remain dissatisfied. Whether it’s running a fast-growing company, earning prestige, or building a picture-perfect home life, those who feel empty despite fulfilling external markers might need a change.

Sher categorizes unwanted success into five types, such as being stuck in an undesired job or finding satisfaction dwindle over time. Regardless, the antidote involves redefining success as something personal. By reconnecting with feelings and lowering stress, it becomes possible to take the next steps toward meaningful pursuits.

Examples

• A corporate executive transitions out of a stressful job after journaling emotions of frustration and longing for creative freedom.
• A winning athlete feels disillusioned post-victory but rediscovers joy by mentoring young athletes instead.
• A burned-out entrepreneur scales back their business to focus on family life.

6. Life Transitions Open Doors

Major life shifts, from empty-nesting to layoffs, create a sobering sense of starting over. These transitions, though challenging, are also invitations to regroup.

Barbara Sher prompts readers to revisit pleasant childhood memories in five-year increments to uncover themes in activities they’ve always loved. By doing so, people can rediscover long-buried passions that remain guiding touchstones throughout their lives.

Examples

• After losing her job, a woman reconnects with childhood memories of journaling and starts blogging.
• An empty-nester revives a love for gardening, turning it into a side hustle.
• A retired sports coach leans into his lifelong passion for storytelling by publishing young adult novels.

7. Grief Can Guide New Purpose

For those who’ve suffered significant loss, rebuilding looks much different than for people at transitional phases. Yet Sher insists that meaningful goals remain attainable with time and reflection.

Through storytelling exercises, she encourages individuals to process grief by recounting all the aspects they loved most about a lost phase of life. This process not only fosters healing but also highlights attributes that can inform new directions.

Examples

• A widow processes her husband’s love for music through writing until she feels ready to participate in community performances.
• A professional sidelined by injury begins sharing their expertise as a mentor after revisiting what sports gave them emotionally.
• A man reflects on the joy of traveling with his late spouse and begins solo adventures focused entirely on photography.

8. Small Acts of Rebellion Create Space

Sometimes, small, bold actions create room to breathe where larger leaps feel intimidating or impractical. By saying no to obligations eating into personal time, you reclaim tiny pockets of happiness.

This strategy works particularly well for people overwhelmed by responsibilities. Letting go of unnecessary expectations—even for one hour a day—often renews energy to pursue meaningful goals.

Examples

• A professional stops answering emails after hours and uses that time for self-care.
• Someone replaces a passive TV habit with guitar lessons for an hour each evening.
• A caregiver schedules one “off” night weekly for uninterrupted painting practice.

9. You Always Have a Choice

Sher emphasizes choice no matter your circumstances. The act of deciding—even if the choice isn’t monumental—propels action and reminds us of our agency in shaping life.

By being flexible and open, new goals and adaptations naturally arise. The important part lies in continuously choosing—even amid challenges.

Examples

• A man decides to revisit past dreams after losing a long-term career.
• A woman tweaks daily habits to pursue writing after realizing how much happiness she finds in journaling.
• A retiree joins a hiking group, embracing adventure despite health fears.

Takeaways

1. Write down and analyze the expectations others have placed on your life to identify which goals resonate personally.
2. Replace one mundane daily task with a small action step toward an interest or passion.
3. Use journaling or reflective exercises to reconnect with childhood joys and heal from past transitions.