I Shouldn't Feel This Way

Your feelings are trying to tell you something – are you listening?

1. The Value of Acknowledging Your Feelings

Suppressing emotions may seem like an effective way to navigate through life, but this can create a cycle of mental chaos and self-criticism. The first step toward emotional clarity is to acknowledge and name these feelings.

When you push away uncomfortable emotions, you deny yourself the opportunity to address their root causes. Instead of running from inner turmoil, take it as a signal to pause and reflect. Cook explains that naming your emotions validates your experiences and helps to calm the mind. This act of recognition is the foundation for taking meaningful action.

Journaling is a powerful tool for naming your feelings. Writing down triggers, events, and associated emotions provides a clear picture of what's happening internally. For example, noting feelings of loneliness after a busy weekend could help identify patterns in social withdrawal or unmet needs. This awareness can foster long-term emotional resilience.

Examples

• Writing about frustrations at work may uncover feelings of inadequacy stemming from a lack of support.
• Noting sadness after encounters with a friend might reveal deeper feelings of disconnection in the relationship.
• Naming feelings of overwhelm can highlight overcommitment and the need for boundaries.

2. Stepping Back to Reflect

Processing emotions effectively requires creating space to reflect. This "in-between" stage allows you to detox from stress and gain clarity.

In Cook’s own experience, she found that revisiting a place of personal significance provided the mental freedom to process emotions. Whether it's taking walks, journaling, or simply relaxing with a favorite show, quiet rituals create room for self-awareness. This time to reflect bridges the recognition of a problem with actionable solutions.

The FRAME process – Facts, Roots, Audit, Mental Messages, and Expansion – is a structured way to analyze emotions. It encourages exploring the situation objectively, identifying life patterns, reassessing coping strategies, and broadening understanding of oneself and others.

Examples

• Taking a solo weekend away to reflect can shift perspectives on a struggling relationship.
• Journaling about work challenges might reveal internalized pressures that stem from childhood.
• Sitting quietly and replaying a recent conversation could uncover deeper layers of unresolved pain.

3. Breaking Free From Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance arises when actions contradict beliefs, leading to mental tension. Recognizing and addressing this dissonance is key to living authentically.

Unresolved conflicts between values and actions can manifest in subtle ways, such as gossiping about a friend or compromising personal integrity. Left unchecked, these conflicts can lead to justifications and defensiveness rather than growth. Identifying dissonance involves naming the conflict and tracing its triggers.

To shift forward, practice showing yourself compassion. Speak to yourself as you would a close friend, offering understanding and encouragement. This kindness lays the groundwork for authentic behavior and emotional balance.

Examples

• A mentor who preaches work-life balance but overworks might feel trapped until they address this mismatch.
• A partner who loves honesty but keeps secrets from their spouse may finally name and reframe to rebuild trust.
• A professional avoiding tough decisions may confront the fear behind their behavior and act more decisively.

4. Addressing Numbing Behaviors

Turning to habits like excessive scrolling, snacking, or shopping to avoid emotions is common but temporary. Recognizing these numbing behaviors is the first step to healthier coping.

Cook explains that numbing often disrupts basic needs and emerges in patterns of secrecy or compulsion. Offering yourself grace, rather than shaming these behaviors, is vital. Once you’ve identified the triggers for numbing, explore strategies to replace avoidance with self-care.

This might involve physical care practices like exercise, relational care through meaningful conversations, or sensory care such as listening to music. These actions create a mindful approach to emotional regulation.

Examples

• Reaching for a phone during moments of stress can be replaced with taking a brisk walk.
• Emotional eating might be addressed with pre-planned meals, creating room for more reflection.
• Habitually shopping to feel better might shift toward reconnecting with friends or loved ones.

5. Healing the Body-Mind Disconnect

Many people see their bodies as burdens, overlooking their care. Reconnecting with your physical self fosters emotional and physical health.

Reflect on the messages you’ve received about your body and challenge negative beliefs. Embrace activities like walking, stretching, or rest to discover what your body needs and when. This reciprocal care harmonizes your body's rhythms with mental well-being.

To build body confidence, intentionally focus on how your body has served you. Movement like dance or yoga not only addresses physical needs but can emotionally recharge you.

Examples

• Stretching in the morning can set a positive tone for the day.
• A short yoga session might calm anxiety during stressful times.
• Remembering victories like finishing a hike or recovering from an illness fosters appreciation.

6. Escaping Comparison Traps

Comparing yourself to others can erode self-esteem and deepen unhappiness. Noticing and redirecting these thoughts is essential for personal peace.

Identify when and why you compare yourself to others. Ask what fears fuel these comparisons and how it impacts your self-image. Recognizing your distinct talents and strengths fosters gratitude and self-confidence.

Practice celebrating your achievements. Keep a daily record of small victories, and avoid people or environments that promote harmful comparison.

Examples

• Noticing feelings of envy when scrolling social media can prompt a break from online activity.
• Acknowledging professional skills during a tricky project can highlight personal growth.
• Posting a daily gratitude list fosters mindfulness of strengths and blessings.

7. Dealing With Toxic Relationships

Toxicity in relationships can leave deep emotional scars. Identifying toxic behavior and setting boundaries is a step toward repair or protection.

Start by recognizing behaviors like manipulation, blame, or gaslighting. Reflect on past responses and their effects. Setting limits, such as disengaging from problematic conversations or interacting less frequently, empowers you to take control.

When leaving is impossible, develop strategies to minimize harm. Written communication or meeting in neutral spaces allows for necessary interactions without emotional cost.

Examples

• Avoiding heated arguments by quietly leaving the scene.
• Setting clear boundaries in workplace relationships prevents misunderstandings.
• Limiting communication to essential matters reduces unnecessary tension.

8. Embracing Faith in Chaos

Faith offers hope amid emotional storms but doesn’t remove or minimize pain. Using faith as a steady guide helps navigate life's hardest challenges.

Instead of burying feelings, name counterfeit beliefs that block growth, such as the idea that doubt or struggle indicates personal failure. Reflect on the origins of these beliefs and seek support from spiritual communities.

Communities provide safe spaces for sharing, support, and healing. They cultivate a sense of connection during isolating times, helping individuals draw strength and perspective.

Examples

• Joining a spiritual study group to share struggles and fellowship.
• Reflecting in prayer or meditation shifts focus back onto healing.
• Seeking a mentor or counselor in a trusted faith community offers guidance.

9. From Pain to Personal Growth

Emotional pain is an opportunity for personal development. By approaching difficult feelings with self-compassion, they can be transformed into stepping stones.

Acceptance and reflection allow you to understand and recognize the roots of your pain. Reframing challenges as opportunities for growth can nurture emotional resilience and spiritual strength.

This transformational process blends understanding yourself better, setting healthy goals, and finding fulfillment despite adversity.

Examples

• Journaling about a tough year can show how far you’ve come.
• Approaching misunderstandings as learning experiences fosters stronger relationships.
• Identifying recurring patterns of response to adversity helps shape future choices.

Takeaways

1. Practice journaling daily to clarify and name your emotions, identifying triggers and patterns.
2. Commit to a weekly activity that strengthens your connection with your body, like mindful stretching or movement.
3. Set one clear boundary in a challenging relationship and honor it consistently.