In his thought-provoking book "Life Is Hard," philosopher Kieran Setiya takes readers on a journey through some of life's most difficult experiences. Drawing from philosophy, literature, sports, memoirs, and personal anecdotes, Setiya explores how we can navigate the universal hardships of the human condition and still find ways to live well.
Introduction
Life is filled with challenges that we all face at some point: sadness, loss, regret, and pain. While there are no quick fixes for these universal problems, Setiya argues that by examining them thoroughly and honestly, we can find ways to navigate through them and even grow from the experience.
The book delves into various aspects of human hardship, including infirmity, loneliness, grief, and failure. By looking at these issues through multiple lenses, Setiya offers a nuanced and compassionate perspective on how to cope with life's difficulties.
Lessons from a Bathroom Floor: Dealing with Chronic Pain
Setiya's exploration of hardship begins with his personal experience of chronic pain. At the age of 27, he was struck by a sudden, intense pain that left him hallucinating on his bathroom floor. After years of medical consultations, the only advice he received was to "try to ignore it."
For 13 years, Setiya did just that. Despite the discomfort and sleep difficulties, he managed to lead a fulfilling life:
- Advancing his career and securing a position at MIT
- Supporting his family through challenging times
- Engaging in social activism
- Purchasing a new home
This experience taught Setiya an important lesson: while chronic pain or illness can be limiting, it doesn't necessarily prevent us from enjoying many of life's activities and experiences.
The Impact of Disabilities
Setiya extends this insight to other forms of disability or illness. He argues that while certain conditions may prevent us from engaging in specific activities, they don't preclude us from enjoying life altogether. For example:
- A wheelchair user may not be able to run, but can still play basketball, listen to music, enjoy nature, and fall in love
- Everyone has some restrictions in life due to limited time and energy
However, Setiya acknowledges that some disabilities or levels of pain can be so severe that they significantly impact one's ability to live well. In these cases, access to proper healthcare and resources can make a crucial difference.
The Silver Lining of Suffering
Interestingly, Setiya suggests that experiencing pain or hardship can have a positive side effect: increased empathy and compassion for others. His own experience with chronic pain made him more understanding of others going through difficult times.
The Loneliness Epidemic: Finding Connection in a Disconnected World
Setiya then turns his attention to another pervasive hardship: loneliness. He begins by highlighting the physical impact of loneliness, noting that brain scans show social rejection activates the same areas as physical pain.
To understand the nature of loneliness and its antidote, friendship, Setiya examines the perspectives of two influential philosophers:
Aristotle's View on Friendship
- Friendships are based on the virtues of the friend
- Those with more virtues (e.g., being good at their job, honest, or funny) have more friends
- Critique: This view suggests that losing virtues means losing friends, which doesn't align with how true friendships work
Immanuel Kant's Perspective
- All people have inherent value, regardless of their virtues
- This value is called "dignity," as opposed to "price" (the replaceable value of objects)
- True friends, romantic partners, and family members are valued unconditionally
Setiya argues that Kant's view better explains why loneliness hurts so much. Being away from our friends deprives us of life-affirming interactions that recognize our inherent dignity. Without these connections, we may feel like we're vanishing from the world.
The Cure for Loneliness
While it may seem obvious that the cure for loneliness is other people, Setiya emphasizes an important caveat: the connection must be oriented toward the other person, not focused on what they can do for you. He suggests several ways to combat loneliness:
- Greeting neighbors
- Holding the door for strangers
- Volunteering at a soup kitchen
These small acts of connection may not lead to lifelong friendships, but they help us feel more connected to the world around us. The more we engage in these small steps, the further we move away from loneliness.
Grief: Navigating the Chaotic Waves of Loss
Setiya challenges the popular notion of the "stages of grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), arguing that grief doesn't follow a predictable pattern. Instead, it comes in scattered waves that can vary greatly from day to day and person to person.
To illustrate this point, Setiya discusses "The Unfortunates," an experimental novel by B. S. Johnson:
- Published in 1969, four years before Johnson's suicide
- Consists of 27 booklets in a box that can be read in any order (except for "First" and "Last")
- Demonstrates that grief doesn't have a straight storyline but can twist and turn unexpectedly
The Importance of Mourning Rituals
Given the chaotic nature of grief, Setiya emphasizes the importance of mourning rituals in providing structure and support. He highlights various cultural practices:
- Jewish tradition of sitting shiva for seven days
- West African Dahomey people celebrating the dead with singing, dancing, and jokes
- Saramaka people in Suriname telling elaborate folk tales
- Ancient Greek and Roman mourning customs
These rituals help us cope with the pain of loss, which persists even though we understand that death is inevitable.
The Paradox of Grief
Setiya explores the complex emotions surrounding grief through Annie Ernaux's book "I Remain in Darkness," which chronicles her mother's decline due to Alzheimer's disease. Despite hoping for her mother's death as a release from suffering, Ernaux was still overwhelmed with grief when it finally came.
This paradox highlights an important aspect of grief: it is a form of suffering that comes from loving and living well. The more connections and love we have in our lives, the more we risk the pain of loss. However, Setiya argues that this is a suffering we should be willing to endure rather than avoid, as it is a testament to the richness of our lives and relationships.
Failure: Reframing Our Perspective on Success and Setbacks
Setiya acknowledges that failure is a constant presence in our lives, from small daily mishaps to more significant setbacks. He uses examples from the world of sports to illustrate how failure can become a defining moment in people's lives:
- Baseball errors that cost championships, like "Merkle's Boner" and the "Snodgrass Muff"
- The "Curse of the Bambino" in Boston
- Ralph Branca giving up the "Shot Heard 'Round the World" home run
However, Setiya argues that we shouldn't let these moments of failure define us or others. He references Joshua Prager's book "The Echoing Green," which explores the lives of Ralph Branca and Bobby Thomson beyond their famous baseball moment:
- Branca's large and loving family
- Thomson's complex relationship with his father
- The book's structure interrupts the baseball narrative with personal details, emphasizing that lives are defined by many events, not just one
The Pitfall of Linear Narratives
Setiya warns against trying to fit our lives into a linear narrative with a clear climax and conclusion. He argues that this approach sets us up for failure and disappointment. Instead, he suggests embracing a more granular view of existence, as illustrated in Nicholas Baker's novella "The Mezzanine":
- The entire book takes place during a single escalator ride
- It's filled with digressions on everyday objects and memories
- This approach highlights the countless small moments that make life worth living
Focusing on the Journey, Not the Destination
While Setiya doesn't discourage ambitious goals or dismiss the importance of results, he advocates for a shift in focus:
- Concentrate on the process rather than the outcome
- This idea can be traced back to the Bhagavad Gita: "Motive should never be in the fruits of actions"
- By focusing on the journey, we can protect ourselves from the hardship of failure
The Power of Perspective: Finding Light in the Darkness
Throughout "Life Is Hard," Setiya emphasizes the importance of perspective in dealing with life's challenges. He encourages readers to:
Recognize the multifaceted nature of our experiences
- Illness or disability may limit some activities but not all
- Focus on what you can do rather than what you can't
Seek connection and compassion
- Combat loneliness by reaching out to others
- Use personal hardships as a way to develop empathy
Embrace the complexity of emotions
- Understand that grief is a testament to love
- Accept that feelings can be contradictory and unpredictable
Reframe failure and success
- Look at life as a series of small moments rather than grand narratives
- Focus on the process and personal growth rather than just outcomes
Find meaning in difficult experiences
- Use challenges as opportunities for self-reflection and growth
- Recognize that hardship can lead to increased resilience and wisdom
Conclusion: Living Well in the Face of Hardship
Setiya's "Life Is Hard" offers a nuanced and compassionate exploration of the human experience, acknowledging the inevitability of suffering while providing insights on how to navigate these challenges. The key takeaways from the book include:
- Suffering is universal, but it doesn't have to prevent us from living well
- Illness or disability may limit some activities, but they can't stop us from enjoying life altogether
- Loneliness can be combated by focusing on caring for others and making small connections
- Grief is painful but is also a testament to the love we've experienced
- Failure is a part of life, but we can choose to focus on our successes and the process of growth
By embracing these perspectives, we can find ways to live meaningful and fulfilling lives even in the face of life's hardships. Setiya's work encourages us to approach difficulties with honesty, compassion, and a willingness to learn and grow from our experiences.
In the end, "Life Is Hard" reminds us that while we can't avoid the challenges and pain that come with being human, we can develop the tools and mindset to navigate them with grace, resilience, and even wisdom. By doing so, we not only improve our own lives but also become better equipped to support and empathize with others facing similar struggles.