Life Is Hard

“What if life’s hardships aren’t obstacles but opportunities to learn how to live well?”

1. Pain as a Teacher

Pain, both physical and emotional, is an unavoidable part of life. Kieran Setiya’s journey with chronic pain began abruptly at the age of 27 and forced him to reframe how he experienced the world. At first, his instinct was avoidance—he tried to ignore the pain, as advised by doctors. Over time, however, he came to see that pain doesn’t diminish life’s value; it changes how it’s lived.

Pain has the potential to teach us about resilience. For Setiya, despite discomfort and sleepless nights, he achieved significant milestones like securing a position at MIT, supporting his family, and becoming socially active. He realized that life’s richness persists despite limitations. Pain also makes us empathize with other struggles. After he endured his most harrowing night on a bathroom floor, hallucinating from the agony, Setiya felt a deeper sense of solidarity with others facing hardships.

However, context matters. Some forms of pain can be all-consuming, preventing people from living well. Societal factors—like access to healthcare—play a role in shaping someone’s ability to cope with pain. Nonetheless, understanding that suffering is inherent to life can lead to compassion and a broader perspective on living.

Examples

• Chronic pain didn’t stop Setiya from excelling professionally and personally.
• He learned to cherish aspects of life that were not diminished by his condition, such as love and beauty.
• Access to better healthcare equipped him with tools to manage his condition, underscoring the role of external support in coping.

2. Friendship and Loneliness

Loneliness doesn’t just hurt emotionally—it triggers parts of the brain akin to physical pain. Setiya highlights how human connections, or their absence, shape our well-being. By understanding different philosophies of friendship, he illuminates why loneliness stings so deeply.

Aristotle believed friendships rest on the virtues of each person, meaning your qualities attract others. But Setiya challenges this ideal by drawing from Immanuel Kant, who argued that people have value simply because of their inherent dignity. When someone values us unconditionally, it confirms our place in the world—a core reason why strong friendships feel validating. Conversely, loneliness can make us feel invisible, robbing us of this fundamental affirmation.

The antidote to loneliness lies in meaningful connection. Small acts, like talking to a neighbor or volunteering, help us step beyond self-centered loneliness to truly engage with others. In helping others, we often help ourselves. Even brief, seemingly minor interactions can remind us that we belong to a larger, interconnected web of humanity.

Examples

• MRI scans show similar brain activity between physical pain and social rejection.
• Kant’s idea of inherent dignity counters Aristotle’s performance-based theory of friendship.
• Volunteering in a soup kitchen not only supports community but alleviates personal loneliness.

3. Grieving as a Chaotic Journey

Grief rarely follows a predictable path. While many believe in the neat stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, Setiya argues grief is far more erratic. It comes in waves, varying day to day and person to person.

The experimental novel The Unfortunates by B. S. Johnson perfectly illustrates grief’s unpredictability. Its fragmented structure—booklets that can be read in any order—mirrors the tangled and non-linear experience of mourning. People worldwide cope with death through rituals, from the Jewish practice of sitting shiva to jubilant celebrations in West African cultures. These collective acts impose some order on the emotional chaos, offering comfort and a sense of shared humanity.

Grief stems from love and connection, a reminder that losing someone is the flip side of having loved deeply. While the pain of grief is intense, it’s also evidence of a life filled with meaningful relationships. Setiya reframes grief, not as an emotion to avoid, but as one that signals a well-lived and well-loved existence.

Examples

• The Unfortunates portrays grief as scattered and unpredictable, just like reality.
• Mourning rituals in different cultures bring structure to sorrow, connecting the grieving to their community.
• Annie Ernaux’s depiction of her mother’s decline shows the duality of relief and deep heartache in loss.

4. Rethinking Failure

Failure is part of the human experience, but we often let it define us. Setiya explores how people mistakenly attach their identity to singular moments of failure while ignoring the broader, messier truth of their lives.

Sports provide vivid examples of public failure. Take Ralph Branca, the pitcher who allowed the famous home run in 1951. While this moment marked his career in popular memory, his life was filled with love, faith, and triumphs. Focusing on one isolated failure oversimplifies life’s complexity. Setiya reminds us that lives are not linear; they’re a mixture of triumphs and struggles.

This lesson extends beyond sports. Success and failure are intertwined and equally frequent. By focusing on day-to-day journeys rather than big milestones, we can stop measuring ourselves against an unrealistic standard. Life isn’t one dramatic story arc; it’s a series of small, meaningful moments that form an intricate tapestry.

Examples

• Branca’s infamous pitch overshadowed his rich and fulfilling life beyond baseball.
• Nicholas Baker’s The Mezzanine highlights the beauty of small moments over grand narratives.
• The Bhagavad Gita teaches us to focus on effort, not outcomes, to reduce stress about failure.

5. Purpose Found in the Small Things

Rather than seeking grand meaning in life, Setiya suggests we look for purpose in the small, ordinary moments that fill our days. These are just as valuable as life’s big achievements.

Small acts of connection—chatting with a stranger, fixing a coffee cup, or marveling at sunset—reveal life’s simple pleasures. Setiya’s own reflections on mundane moments helped him navigate his chronic pain and find joy in unexpected places.

Seeking fulfillment in minor experiences doesn’t mean abandoning ambition. Instead, it recognizes the richness often overlooked in everyday life. Together, these seemingly minor moments make life overwhelmingly meaningful.

Examples

• Reflecting on sunsets helped Setiya reframe his perception of existence with pain.
• The novella The Mezzanine explores life’s significance in shoe laces and casual observations.
• Even meditative tasks like folding laundry can build into a larger, purposeful life.

Takeaways

1. Focus on the journey, not the results—embrace the small, day-to-day moments around you even in the midst of hardship.
2. Fight loneliness by connecting with others, particularly through acts of service or kindness.
3. Reframe challenges such as pain, grief, or failure as opportunities to learn and live more compassionately.