Modern Friendship

Why is forming and maintaining friendships as an adult so hard, and how can we make it easier?

1. Friends Will Disappoint You – And That’s Okay

Friendships come with their share of ups and downs, and expecting perfection will only lead to frustration. It's important to accept that your friends, like all humans, will sometimes let you down. The healthiest approach is to focus on what you can control and let go of unrealistic expectations.

For example, if a friend misses an important event, it doesn't mean they care any less about you. It's helpful to maintain an open dialogue and communicate your feelings rather than dwelling on the disappointment. This reduces misunderstandings and strengthens your connection.

Practicing forgiveness within friendships can help you preserve and even deepen meaningful bonds. Remember, no friendship thrives in a space of constant judgment or resentment.

Examples

• A close friend forgetting your birthday due to a hectic week at work
• A disagreement over differing opinions during a conversation
• A postponed meetup that you were really looking forward to

2. Friendships Are Always Changing

Like the seasons, friendships ebb and flow as life circumstances, priorities, and interests evolve. Instead of fighting these natural changes, embrace them and keep the door open for reconnecting when the timing is right.

You might be best friends with someone during a particular phase of life – perhaps during college or a new job – yet find your connection fading as you move into different paths. This doesn’t diminish the value of what you shared during that time.

Many friendships mature, evolve, or even rekindle after years. Staying open to these shifts allows relationships to grow alongside you, leading to more fulfilling connections later.

Examples

• A college roommate moving across the country after graduation but reconnecting years later
• A childhood friend with whom you lose contact reconnecting after life slows down
• A former close colleague who reenters your life when your professional goals align again

3. Friendship Requires Maturity and Effort

Building and maintaining a friendship doesn't happen by accident. It involves self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and clear communication. This means understanding your own needs while respecting your friend's.

When life gets busy, it's easy to let friendships fade without realizing it. Being proactive – whether it’s scheduling a coffee meet-up or simply checking in with a text – shows that you value the relationship.

Setting boundaries and sharing your needs helps ensure that both you and your friend feel heard and respected. This maturity leads to healthier, more rewarding dynamics for both parties.

Examples

• Scheduling bi-weekly calls to check in on each other’s lives
• Being honest about feeling overwhelmed and needing time to recharge
• Listening without interrupting during important conversations

4. Understand What Drives Your Choices in Friendship

Your basic human needs often determine the friendships you value. According to psychologist William Glasser’s Choice Theory, these needs include belonging, freedom, and fun. Identifying which of these resonate most in your life can explain why some friendships click while others don’t.

For instance, if you value freedom, you might feel closer to friends who respect your independence. If fun is a priority, you'll gravitate toward those who share your hobbies and sense of humor.

Learning what motivates you can help you build connections that align with both your personality and goals.

Examples

• A hiking buddy who satisfies your need for fun and adventure
• A mentor-like friend who supports your career journey
• A book club mate who fulfills your need for intellectual conversation

5. Be Open to Everyday Opportunities for Connection

Making friends in adulthood can be challenging, but being attentive to small moments can spark meaningful connections. Whether it’s through shared hobbies or casual interactions, opportunities for friendship exist all around.

Joining clubs, attending community events, or striking up conversations during shared activities can help you meet like-minded people. The key is to take an interest in others and let these moments unfold naturally.

Friendship often begins in the most unexpected places, so staying open to serendipity can lead to rich, lasting relationships.

Examples

• Joining a runners’ group and finding a workout partner
• Volunteering at a charity and bonding with a fellow volunteer
• Chatting with a stranger at a coffee shop about a mutual passion for travel

6. Know the Roles Friends Play in Your Life

Not every friend serves the same purpose, and that’s perfectly fine. Researcher Tom Rath identifies eight roles friends can play, from energizers who uplift you to navigators who offer guidance. Recognizing these roles helps you cherish the unique ways your friends enrich your life.

Instead of expecting one friend to fulfill every role, appreciate the diversity in your social circle. Some friends might be your go-to for fun while others provide deep emotional support.

Acknowledging everyone’s individual value fosters gratitude and reminds you to maintain balance in your friendships.

Examples

• A friend who cheerfully motivates you to pursue your goals
• A thoughtful listener who helps you process emotions
• A networker who introduces you to stimulating new connections

7. Desire, Diligence, and Delight Are Keys to Friendship

The “Three Ds” – Desire, Diligence, and Delight – are crucial for growing strong, lasting friendships. Desire is the genuine interest to spend time together, diligence is the effort you put into maintaining the bond, and delight is the mutual joy you exchange.

Friendships thrive when all three are present. A meaningful connection doesn’t just “happen” – it takes intention and shared happiness to nurture it. Showing up consistently and creating positive experiences keeps relationships strong.

Paying attention to these factors can help you evaluate and sustain your most important friendships.

Examples

• Regularly checking in on a long-distance friend
• Making time for coffee dates despite busy schedules
• Surprising a friend with a small gift that shows you thought of them

8. Small Acts Go a Long Way

The little things you do for your friends can have a big impact. Expressing gratitude, offering practical help, or showing interest in their lives are ways to strengthen bonds.

For instance, instead of saying “Thanks for being a great friend,” try something specific like “I really appreciate how you helped me prep for my job interview.” Emotional validation and thoughtful gestures build trust and reinforce your connection.

Acknowledging others’ unique qualities will make them feel valued, deepening your friendship over time.

Examples

• Handwriting a thank-you note to show your gratitude
• Offering to help a friend move to a new home
• Asking meaningful questions about their latest project or interest

9. Friendship Is About Giving as Much as Receiving

Research shows that being someone’s best friend can bring more happiness than simply having one. Focusing on how you can contribute to the relationship is a powerful way to make it stronger for both of you.

Being a good friend means showing up, offering consistent support, and celebrating their successes as much as your own. Cultivating this positive mindset enriches both your life and theirs.

Remember, the joy you give to others often returns to you, creating fulfilling, lifelong bonds.

Examples

• Calling to check on a friend even without a specific reason
• Celebrating their wins, big or small, with genuine enthusiasm
• Supporting their personal growth without expecting anything in return

Takeaways

1. Embrace the natural changes in your friendships and stay open to reconnecting at different points in life.
2. Be proactive in maintaining relationships by carving out time for intentional, meaningful interactions.
3. Show appreciation and interest in your friends through specific acts of kindness and thoughtful gestures.