Own Your Past Change Your Future

Your story may have cracks, but those cracks don't define who you are. Own them, confront them, and rewrite a new chapter.

1: Stories Shape Your Life

Every person carries a web of stories – the ones they inherit, experience, hear from others, and tell themselves. These stories influence actions, emotions, and perceptions of the world. Recognizing this gives you the power to take control.

Your inherited stories, shaped by family, culture, and community, serve as the foundation of your identity. They often determine your traditions and values. Stories from others, like a teacher’s praise or a parent's criticism, can either bolster your confidence or plant doubt. Additionally, personal experiences, whether moments of joy or hardship, shape behaviors and beliefs. Lastly, self-told stories define how you see yourself, whether as capable, unworthy, or somewhere in between.

By unpacking these stories and addressing them head-on, you begin to take control. Instead of being weighed down by "bricks in your rucksack," you can release harmful narratives and create space for better ones. Ownership is the first step to rewriting—and living—a story tailored by you.

Examples

• A person from a strict cultural background chooses to embrace some traditions but forgo others after reflection.
• A teacher’s criticism of a student’s abilities might later become a story of redemption when that student succeeds despite the doubt.
• A self-told story of being "bad at relationships" changes when one decides to actively learn and nurture connection.

2: Acknowledge Your Reality

To move forward, you must first confront the gap between where you are and where you expected or wanted to be in life. Avoiding this step only stalls healing.

Honestly evaluating your circumstances might feel uncomfortable. Examining relationships, the choices made, or unfulfilled dreams can surface pain or regret. But avoiding the truth doesn’t change it. Facing reality allows room for grieving, whether over missed opportunities or life's curveballs. Grief is not a weakness. Instead, it’s a strong acknowledgment of what’s been lost and the beginning of moving forward.

Once you’ve grieved, you can write a new narrative, one unshackling you from the past. It’s not about returning to how things were, but about forging a fresh path, stronger after pain.

Examples

• A woman struggles with her career stagnating, grieves for the promotions she missed, and redirects her focus to a passion project.
• A man comes to terms with an estranged relationship with his father and decides to reach out to rebuild their bond.
• After losing a loved one, someone creates new traditions in their memory, instead of clinging to the old.

3: Humans Need Connection

Loneliness may provide temporary relief from hurt, but long-term healing requires genuine human connections.

Humans thrive on relationships—they provide support, accountability, and joy. Some relationships, like with family or colleagues, aren’t chosen but can still be nurtured. Real friends are those with whom you share not only successes but also failures and vulnerabilities. The best connections are rooted in trust and mutual care.

Building or rebuilding connections takes effort. It requires showing up, asking questions, and sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone. Real connection happens when both people invest in being there for one another, even in the darkest hours.

Examples

• Asking a co-worker to grab coffee and opening up about both career highs and struggles.
• Saying yes to joining your neighbor’s book club and finding common ground with new people.
• Volunteering at a shelter and creating bonds with like-minded individuals.

4: Control Your Inner Dialogue

The thoughts you allow to dominate your mind can either hold you back or propel you forward. Changing these thoughts is a powerful way to reframe your life.

Negative chatter—like harsh self-criticism or dwelling on fears—can feel inescapable. But just as you imagined a purple elephant when prompted, you can redirect your focus consciously. Dismissing harmful thoughts prevents them from taking root, while fostering positive thoughts helps grow a healthier mindset.

What you consume influences your mindset too. Instead of doom-scrolling the news or indulging in gossip, opt for uplifting content, music, or stories. Reflect on your thoughts regularly by journaling or analyzing patterns and consider whether they align with your desired self.

Examples

• Replacing "I can’t do this" with "I’ll give it my best shot" daily when faced with challenges.
• Avoiding unproductive social media debates and instead consuming inspiring TED talks or podcasts.
• Journaling daily to track recurring negative thoughts and their origins.

5: Action Shapes Identity

Your habits and choices either align you with who you want to be or drive you farther from that goal. Changing actions, though hard at first, is what crafts a new identity.

The brain prefers familiarity—the known feels “safe.” This is why it’s easy to fall into old patterns, even harmful ones. To break free, identify your current habits and consciously introduce new practices. Small, consistent actions accumulate into change.

Consider areas like health, relationships, and productivity. Take inventory of what’s working and what isn’t. Then focus on "little wins" to build momentum toward the person you want to become.

Examples

• Starting a habit of walking daily to improve physical and mental health.
• Decluttering your home to create a cleaner, more focused environment.
• Committing to a 10-minute mindfulness practice each morning to set a positive tone for the day.

6: The Importance of Grieving

Grief allows you to recognize the weight of what you’ve lost and make space for healing. It’s a universal experience that transforms, not defeats.

Some losses are minor—a missed opportunity or change in routine. Others, like the loss of a loved one, cut deeply. Grieving isn’t about rushing to "move on." This process, though uncomfortable, helps you acknowledge your loss and rebuild.

Grief teaches that not everything can be fixed or replaced. Instead, it calls for new beginnings. By facing your pain, you open the door to possibilities for joy again.

Examples

• A parent grieving a child's college departure creates new hobbies to honor their evolving relationship.
• A widow starts a community group for others who’ve experienced loss.
• After a career setback, someone seeks counseling to grieve their unmet ambitions before redefining their path.

7: Identify Real Friends

Not everyone in your circle can be called a true friend. Delony offers questions to identify the ones that matter most.

True friends celebrate your triumphs without envy or dismissal. They also listen to your troubles without judgment or unsolicited advice. Finally, they’re the ones who show up when needed, even at inconvenient hours or for difficult tasks.

By intentionally spending time with the people who meet these criteria, relationships deepen. Letting go of acquaintances who drain or harm you also makes space for connections that matter.

Examples

• A college friend drives three hours to comfort you during a personal crisis.
• A neighbor becomes a confidant by consistently showing empathy and support.
• A co-worker celebrating your promotion without jealousy indicates a true allyship.

8: Give Without Asking

By serving others, you shift your focus from personal struggles to mutual growth.

Helping others doesn’t just assist them—it also reshapes your world view. Volunteering time, teaching skills, or simply being there transforms relationships and builds community. It’s an active reminder that humans thrive on interconnectedness.

Generosity creates a ripple effect. It builds trust, fosters closeness, and strengthens friendships through shared effort.

Examples

• Teaching free fitness classes in a local park.
• Bringing meals to a family experiencing grief.
• Organizing a community clean-up day.

9: Rewrite, Don’t Relive

Life’s cracks can’t always be mended, but they don’t have to define you. Writing a new story starts by letting go of old narratives.

Healing is not reverting back to your former self but becoming someone new. Growth involves making deliberate changes, rethinking paths, and embracing the unknown with courage.

Everyone carries pain, but by addressing it and taking responsibility for where you go next, you redefine what’s possible.

Examples

• A person with a difficult childhood chooses to parent differently, focusing on warmth and understanding.
• Someone forgives past betrayals to prioritize living without resentment.
• After a business failure, crafting a fresh entrepreneurial plan signals embracing reinvention.

Takeaways

1. Reflect daily on your self-told stories and begin rewriting the harmful ones.
2. Make genuine efforts to reconnect with people and deepen those relationships with trust.
3. Start small, intentional actions today to align better with the future self you envision.