Real Life

“Life is made up of seasons. Like a flower, we each have moments of opening and expanding, as well as moments of closing and contracting.” Sharon Salzberg helps us explore how to embrace life's seasons while navigating challenges and finding connection.

1. The Traps That Keep Us Small

Life's struggles often stem from three traps: grasping, aversion, and delusion. Grasping occurs when we cling to what we desire, mistakenly believing it will grant us lasting happiness. Aversion happens when we push away pain or discomfort, hoping to avoid unpleasant sensations. Delusion sets in when we disconnect, drifting through life without truly being present.

These patterns keep us stuck in small, detached lives, unable to embrace life's full range of experiences. Buddhist philosophy suggests peace, compassion, and vibrancy as the antidotes to these states. Cultivating these opposing qualities allows us to break free from frustration, fear, and apathy.

You can rewire your mind at any moment. Though it may feel tough to resist old habits, even small changes in your actions or perspective can bring immediate relief. The journey to clarity begins with self-awareness and a willingness to try.

Examples

• Recognizing the difference between wanting a piece of chocolate for pleasure vs. grasping it to escape unpleasant emotions.
• Reframing self-blame for a forgotten task as compassion for being human.
• Spacing into nature’s details to shake delusion, like observing the trees while on a walk.

2. Naming and Allowing Emotions

Avoiding emotions only builds walls between ourselves and a meaningful life. Instead, fully recognizing and allowing emotions helps us process them. We can practice naming what we feel – like fear or shame – and acknowledge these emotions are a natural part of being human.

RAIN is a helpful tool here. Recognize first, then allow the emotion to exist without judgment. Investigate its origins and effects with curiosity, not criticism. Finally, detach from over-identification by reminding yourself that emotions are passing, not permanent.

By staying present with an emotion, you not only diffuse its power but create the space to heal. A starry night or time outdoors can further remind you that your struggles are part of a larger existence, helping to reduce their grip.

Examples

• Naming sadness when it arises, then exploring its roots through journaling or reflection.
• Changing "I am scared" to "I’m feeling fear" to separate self-identity from temporary emotions.
• Lying under the open sky to feel the vastness beyond personal difficulties.

3. Facing Life’s Hardest Moments

Challenging times – illness, loss, or caregiving – require courage and honesty. It's important to accept reality without forcing positivity, while also avoiding over-identification with suffering. Balancing these aspects helps us navigate life’s storms without becoming consumed by them.

Perspective matters deeply. Recognizing that light exists within dark moments – like yin and yang – can bring comfort and meaning. A tough situation can provide wisdom and strengthen the spirit, though it may not seem evident at the time.

By observing the language we use, we can shift our approach to difficulties. Saying “I’m experiencing pain” repositions the challenge as an event rather than an intrinsic, overwhelming part of our identity.

Examples

• Reflecting on Robert Thurman's resilience after losing an eye, which turned into profound insight and knowledge.
• Saying "I'm experiencing exhaustion from caregiving" rather than "I am worn out," to maintain mental distance.
• Using the yin-yang symbol as a reminder that difficulties exist but do not define the bigger picture.

4. Awe and Expanding Perspective

When life feels small, seeking moments of awe can instantly broaden your perspective. Awe arises from encountering beauty, whether in nature, art, or human achievement. These experiences remind us of the world’s immense potential and wonder.

Salzberg experienced awe during a Broadway performance of Hamilton that reawakened her creativity. Such moments recalibrate our sense of self, often bringing us back into connection with life.

Creating awe isn’t always possible on demand, but curiosity and gratitude can spark similar feelings. By finding beauty and wonder in smaller moments, like a flower or a stranger’s laugh, you can shift from constriction to expansion.

Examples

• Watching a sunset or the ocean’s waves to be reminded of life’s grandeur.
• Tuning into the emotional magic of a favorite piece of music or stage performance.
• Finding gratitude in everyday objects like morning coffee or a child’s laughter.

5. Connection Through Indra’s Net

Imagine a cosmic, infinite net of radiant jewels – that’s Indra’s Net, symbolizing the interconnectedness of all beings. In Buddhist teachings, the idea asserts that clarity and connection are part of our intrinsic nature, even if struggles or detachment sometimes blur this.

Living a meaningful life means remembering this connection. Through creativity, moments of shared kindness, or mindful awareness, we rediscover our link to others and the world.

Small, everyday actions help bring clarity back. A smile, a meaningful conversation, or creatively expressing yourself can reconnect you to Indra’s Net and deepen experiences of relationship and belonging.

Examples

• Smiling at someone on public transport to foster a sense of connection.
• Writing a poem or playing music as an outlet for expression and clarity.
• Sharing small but genuine moments with family or friends, strengthening bonds.

6. Curiosity's Transformative Power

Curiosity, a quiet yet powerful force, helps us see outside our own struggles. When focused inward, despair shrinks awareness. Practicing curiosity opens perception and puts us back in dialogue with life.

Salzberg suggests observing minor experiences, like breathing or watching clouds. Curiosity provides clarity on life’s smaller joys, even during hardship. It removes mental “blinkers” that keep you stuck in your own world.

By exploring opportunities for learning rather than closing off, curiosity turns limits into starting points for growth and discovery in everyday situations.

Examples

• Taking interest in how sunlight reflects off different surfaces.
• Listening intently to someone’s perspective during a disagreement to grow mutual understanding.
• Investigating the textures and smells at a farmer’s market to increase appreciation of the present.

7. Gratitude as a Daily Practice

Gratitude shifts attention from what’s lacking to what is present. This simple practice builds resilience, enabling you to weather tough seasons of life by focusing on abundance rather than absence.

Salzberg encourages finding joy in small blessings rather than grand developments. A bowl of soup, a shared moment of warmth, or a message from a loved one all provide opportunities for appreciation.

Building a habit of gratitude changes daily interactions, lifting mood and creating deeper connection with others and yourself.

Examples

• Journaling three things you’re thankful for before each day ends.
• Taking a deep breath to appreciate good weather.
• Savoring the taste of your favorite meal with gratitude for its comfort.

8. Aspirations Foster Consistency

Unlike goals, which can be checked off, aspirations serve as a guiding star. Salzberg underscores the importance of creating an aspiration that reminds you of your purpose. For her, commitment to being a force for good keeps her aligned with her values.

Aspirations provide meaning, even during adversity or uncertainty. They tie your daily actions to something greater, offering perspective in difficult times.

Consider your own aspirations and what values you wish to cultivate as an ongoing thread throughout all life seasons.

Examples

• Salzberg’s aspiration to positively impact others through her teachings, regardless of hardship.
• An artist aiming to create work that connects or inspires others over a lifetime.
• A parent seeking to foster kindness and curiosity across all interactions with their children.

9. Embracing Life’s Seasons

Life cycles between highs and lows, joys and sorrows. Fully embracing these seasons means acknowledging that pain is as much a part of growth as fulfillment. Real courage comes from engaging with every season, understanding each contributes to personal expansion.

Being present in both struggles and rewards fosters resilience. It reframes life as an evolving journey rather than a fixed endpoint, leaving room for each chapter to contribute to its richness.

By letting go of resistance, you can find clarity and connection even amid unexpected or challenging events.

Examples

• Acknowledging grief during a personal loss while finding meaning in shared memories.
• Welcoming unexpected opportunities after career setbacks.
• Seeing a challenging relationship dynamic as a chance for learning instead of frustration.

Takeaways

1. Use the RAIN method to identify, process, and detach from difficult emotions that arise in daily life.
2. Infuse curiosity and gratitude into your routine to reconnect with the present and shift focus away from challenges.
3. Define a personal aspiration to guide your daily actions and serve as an anchor through life’s changes.