The Meaning of Marriage Summary

Marriage has the power to show you the truth of who you really are — and offer the chance to grow into someone better.

1. Marriage in Modern Decline

Marriage rates are falling, and attitudes toward tying the knot are shifting. Once seen as a universal aspiration, marriage is no longer a given. Surveys reveal that in 1960, the majority of U.S. adults (72 percent) were married, but by today, that number is down to half. This societal change has also influenced how children grow up, with fewer growing up in married households.

Greater skepticism stems from the fear of unhappiness in marriage. The widespread belief that divorce is inevitable further dissuades younger generations from marrying. Cohabitation has become more common — around 60 percent of women have lived with a partner before their late thirties — as many opt to "test" relationships first.

Yet this shift overlooks deeper truths about marriage. While some argue cohabiting offers freedom and safety from potential pain, the authors suggest it also avoids the transformative work that only a marriage can catalyze.

Examples

• Only 50 percent of U.S. adults are married, compared to 72 percent in 1960.
• Sixty percent of children were born to unmarried couples in 1970, a major shift from the past.
• Millennials frequently cite fears of divorce as a reason to delay marriage.

2. Marriage Brings Hidden Happiness and Wealth

Despite the divorce statistics, marriage often improves life in tangible ways, from emotional satisfaction to financial stability. Studies find that married couples accumulate more wealth and live happier lives compared to single or divorced individuals. Notably, certain characteristics — education, age, and when couples have children — make happy, long-lasting marriages more likely.

Research from "The State of Our Unions" report shows that couples who marry after 25, are well-educated, and have higher incomes are less likely to divorce. Marriage also encourages better life decisions. Spouses hold each other accountable, such as encouraging long-term financial planning — in ways peers or friends might not.

Happiness is another unexpected reward. Sociologist Linda Waite's study found that 61 percent of married people described themselves as "very happy." Even those who initially feel dissatisfied can often grow happier over time if they stay married.

Examples

• Married men earn 10-40 percent more than their single peers of similar backgrounds.
• Long-term married couples tend to have 75 percent more wealth than their divorced counterparts.
• Two-thirds of unhappy married individuals reported being happy within five years if they remained married.

3. Unrealistic Expectations Undermine Marriage

Modern relationships often focus on "finding the perfect match." This quest for a flawless soulmate — someone who complements every quirk and never requires personal compromise — sets unattainable standards. Sociologist Tara Parker-Pope termed this phenomenon the "Me Marriage," which centers on personal fulfillment and individualistic needs.

This attitude discourages commitment by emphasizing compatibility without growth. People often delay marriage because they believe their "perfect person" hasn’t arrived. However, the authors argue there is no such thing as perfect compatibility. A good marriage involves two imperfect people willing to grow together.

Unfortunately, younger generations internalize these unrealistic ideas. For example, fewer high school seniors see marriage meeting their needs, which keeps many on a lifelong search for an ideal partner rather than building lasting relationships.

Examples

• The "Me Marriage" sees commitment taking a back seat to individual satisfaction.
• Young people hold off on marrying while searching for their "soulmate."
• In 2009, just one-third of U.S. high school seniors believed marriage would fulfill them.

4. Treating Marriage as Ongoing Work Builds Success

Marriage takes effort and thrives on realistic expectations. Unlike fairy tales, good relationships require actively working through struggles, misunderstandings, and challenges. The authors argue that a healthy marriage isn't about perfection but about growth and remaining committed even during tough seasons.

Pastor Timothy Keller points to the Christian philosopher Stanley Hauerwas as a guide. Hauerwas teaches that we do not truly know our partner upon marrying. Instead, we learn who they are — and who they might become — through shared life experiences and struggles. It's this growth together that shapes a lasting bond.

Letting go of rigid ideals helps couples focus on what really matters: working on the relationship itself. Both partners must commit to evolving together rather than focusing on immediate happiness or reaching "perfect compatibility."

Examples

• Writer John Tierney highlights the “Flaw-o-Matic,” where people get hung up on trivial imperfections in potential mates.
• Christians believe marriage transforms through "learning to love and care for the stranger you married."
• Accepting marriage as a work in progress leads to healthier, more resilient unions.

5. Covenant Relationships Trump Consumer Thinking

Consumer relationships rely on satisfaction and reciprocity: if one party isn't happy, they leave. This framework resembles casual relationships or even cohabitation, where both parties must constantly impress one another to maintain interest.

In contrast, Christian marriage embraces a covenant mentality. Like the unconditional love of a parent for a child, marriage vows focus on commitment, no matter the circumstances. Promising to stay through "sickness and health" creates an enduring environment where real honesty and growth happen.

Marriage covenant shifts the goalpost. Success lies not in momentary happiness but in deepening trust and a richer connection over time. Even when the romance wanes, commitment creates opportunities for profound understanding and long-term joy.

Examples

• Marriage vows highlight staying through “good times and bad,” unlike casual dating.
• Parents’ commitment to children mirrors covenant-style promises in marriage.
• Studies show couples often grow happier even after tough periods in their marriage.

6. Friendship is the Core of Marriage

The Bible emphasizes the importance of friendship within marriage. In Genesis, God declares it “not good” for man to be alone, signaling that even human connection holds divine importance. Good marriages thrive when spouses act as best friends, sharing values, providing unwavering support, and helping each other grow.

Unlike cultures where marriage was once a financial arrangement or even today's romanticized expectations, Christian marriage centers its foundation on mutual improvement and understanding. This friendship extends to constructive criticism, encouraging partners to become the best versions of themselves.

Attraction and passion, while valuable, can fade with time. Meanwhile, deep companionship strengthens. Couples grounded in respect and accountability can weather more than those built only on fleeting chemistry.

Examples

• Genesis describes a spouse as ’allup, meaning “best friend.”
• The Bible likens Christian marriage to sharpening one another, like "iron sharpens iron."
• Lasting marriages value friendship over fleeting physical or emotional attractions.

7. Marriage Exposes, But Also Improves Flaws

Marriage unearths the hidden cracks in our character. Like a heavy truck revealing a bridge's structural weaknesses, close relationships place pressure on us, bringing shortcomings to light. While these moments may feel uncomfortable, they present opportunities for growth.

The commitment of marriage creates a space for confronting these flaws earnestly. Unlike casual relationships, where individuals can easily walk away, marriage asks couples to engage fully — and to confront their weaknesses as a path to becoming better people.

This self-revelation makes marriage transformative. Reaching this new understanding requires unmasking true selves, a process that can initially feel challenging but ultimately leads to freedom and joy.

Examples

• Kierkegaard’s masked ball metaphor compares marriage to revealing our truest selves.
• A spouse, by experiencing your daily flaws, reflects your shortcomings better than a friend might.
• Marriage compels growth by demanding honesty and fostering accountability.

Takeaways

1. Treat marriage as constant growth, not a static "happily ever after," and support each other through life's changes.
2. Build your marriage on friendship, putting your focus on mutual encouragement and improvement instead of romantic ideals.
3. Accept that flaws and challenges are an integral part of relationships, using them as opportunities to strengthen your bond rather than reasons to quit.