The Meaning of Marriage

Introduction

In a world where marriage rates are declining and divorce rates are soaring, Timothy and Kathy Keller offer a refreshing and thought-provoking look at the institution of marriage through a Christian lens. Their book, "The Meaning of Marriage," challenges contemporary views on relationships and presents a compelling case for the enduring value of matrimony.

The Kellers argue that marriage is not just about finding a soulmate or achieving personal happiness. Instead, they propose that it's a profound spiritual journey that offers us the chance to confront our true selves and become better people. Drawing on biblical wisdom and their own experiences, the authors provide insights into how we can build stronger, more fulfilling marriages.

The State of Marriage Today

A Declining Institution

Marriage, once a universal aspiration, is now in decline in Western societies. The statistics paint a sobering picture:

• In 1960, 72% of American adults were married. Today, that figure has dropped to just 50%.
• In 1970, 90% of children were born to married parents. Now, it's only 60%.

These numbers reflect a significant shift in attitudes towards marriage. Many people now associate marriage with unhappiness rather than joy and fulfillment. This perception has led to a rise in cohabitation, with an estimated 60% of women and an even higher percentage of men living with partners before reaching their late thirties.

The Millennial Perspective

Younger generations, particularly millennials, are especially wary of marriage. When asked why they choose to cohabit rather than marry, many cite the oft-quoted statistic that one in two marriages end in divorce. Living together, they reason, is a safer way to test compatibility without the legal and emotional complications of marriage.

While their concerns are not unfounded, this perspective overlooks the potential benefits of marriage and the factors that contribute to successful unions.

The Hidden Benefits of Marriage

Despite the gloomy statistics, research suggests that marriage can actually lead to greater wealth and happiness.

Financial Advantages

Contrary to popular belief, marriage can be financially beneficial:

• Married men earn 10-40% more than unmarried men with similar backgrounds and qualifications.
• Couples in long-term marriages have 75% more wealth than their unmarried or divorced counterparts.

These financial benefits may stem from the mutual accountability that exists between spouses. Partners often encourage each other to make wiser financial decisions, leading to greater overall prosperity.

Emotional Well-being

Marriage also appears to have a positive impact on happiness:

• 61% of married individuals report being very happy.
• Of those who initially report being unhappy in their marriages, two-thirds change their answer to happy within five years if they remain married.

These findings suggest that the benefits of marriage may not always be immediate but can develop over time as couples work through challenges together.

The Problem with Modern Views on Marriage

The "Me Marriage"

Contemporary views on marriage have shifted towards what some call the "Me Marriage." This perspective prioritizes individual happiness and self-actualization over duty and compromise. While this may sound liberating, it can create unrealistic expectations and make it harder to find a suitable partner.

The Elusive Soulmate

The concept of finding a "soulmate" has become prevalent in modern culture. Many people delay marriage because they're still searching for this perfect match – someone who accepts them completely and doesn't try to change them.

This idealized view of marriage sets an impossibly high bar:

• It assumes that both partners are already perfect, well-adjusted individuals.
• It overlooks the reality that personal growth and change are natural parts of any long-term relationship.

As a result, many people become disillusioned with the idea of marriage altogether. A survey of high school seniors found that only one in three believed marriage would satisfy their personal needs.

A More Realistic Approach to Marriage

Marriage as a Work in Progress

The Kellers argue for a more realistic view of marriage – one that sees it as a union of flawed individuals working together to create a "haven in a heartless world." This perspective acknowledges that:

• No two people are naturally compatible.
• We never truly know who we're marrying, as both partners will change over time.
• Marriage is about learning to love and care for the person you find yourself married to, rather than finding a perfect match from the start.

This view can help couples break free from the cycle of idealism and pessimism that often plagues modern relationships. By accepting that marriage is always a work in progress, couples can approach their union with more realistic expectations and a greater commitment to growth.

The Christian View of Marriage

A Covenantal Relationship

The Kellers present the Christian perspective on marriage as a covenantal relationship rather than a consumer one. This means:

• Marriage is based on unconditional commitment, not just feelings or mutual benefit.
• The relationship itself takes precedence over individual needs or desires.
• Spouses pledge to remain together "for better or worse, in sickness and in health."

This view contrasts sharply with the consumer model of relationships, where partners are constantly evaluating whether the other person is meeting their needs and may leave if they find a better option.

The Rewards of Commitment

While the idea of unconditional commitment may seem daunting, the Kellers argue that it can lead to a richer, more intimate relationship:

• It provides a safe space to address fundamental issues and personal flaws.
• It allows couples to move beyond surface-level attraction to deeper connection.
• It offers the opportunity for long-term happiness and personal growth.

Marriage as Friendship

The Biblical Perspective

The Kellers highlight the biblical view of marriage as primarily a friendship. In the Old Testament, a spouse is referred to as an 'allup, which means "best friend." This was a revolutionary concept in a time when marriages were often seen as business transactions.

The Importance of Friendship in Marriage

Viewing marriage through the lens of friendship has several implications:

• It emphasizes constancy and loyalty over fleeting emotions.
• It focuses on mutual improvement and accountability.
• It provides a common vision that can unify a couple beyond physical attraction or romantic feelings.

The authors argue that this friendship-based model of marriage is more stable and fulfilling than one based solely on romantic love or sexual attraction.

The Transformative Power of Marriage

Revealing Our True Selves

The Kellers use the metaphor of a masked ball to illustrate how marriage reveals our true selves. Just as dancers remove their masks at midnight, marriage strips away our pretenses and exposes our real identities – flaws and all.

Exposing Our Flaws

Like a heavy truck revealing structural weaknesses in a bridge, marriage puts pressure on our character and exposes our deepest flaws:

• Selfishness, impatience, and other negative traits become more apparent.
• The impact of our shortcomings on our spouse becomes impossible to ignore.

An Opportunity for Growth

While this exposure can be uncomfortable, the Kellers argue that it's ultimately beneficial:

• It provides a true picture of who we are, allowing us to address our flaws.
• It creates an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement.
• It can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Practical Advice for Building a Strong Marriage

Cultivate Friendship

The authors emphasize the importance of nurturing friendship within marriage:

• Prioritize spending quality time together.
• Engage in shared interests and activities.
• Practice active listening and open communication.

Embrace Accountability

Mutual accountability is key to personal and relational growth:

• Be open to constructive criticism from your spouse.
• Encourage each other to pursue personal goals and spiritual growth.
• View challenges as opportunities for mutual improvement.

Practice Forgiveness and Grace

Given that marriage exposes our flaws, forgiveness is crucial:

• Acknowledge that both partners are imperfect and will make mistakes.
• Extend grace and forgiveness when your spouse falls short.
• Focus on growth and reconciliation rather than blame and resentment.

Maintain a Spiritual Focus

For Christians, keeping God at the center of the marriage is vital:

• Pray together regularly.
• Study scripture and discuss its application to your relationship.
• Seek to emulate the love of Christ in your interactions with each other.

Addressing Common Challenges in Marriage

Dealing with Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it can be managed constructively:

• Address issues promptly rather than letting resentment build.
• Focus on understanding each other's perspectives rather than winning arguments.
• Seek compromise and mutually beneficial solutions.

Navigating Changes

As individuals and circumstances change over time, couples must adapt:

• Communicate openly about personal goals and aspirations.
• Be willing to renegotiate roles and responsibilities as needed.
• Support each other through life transitions and challenges.

Maintaining Intimacy

Physical and emotional intimacy are important aspects of a healthy marriage:

• Prioritize regular date nights and quality time together.
• Be intentional about expressing affection and appreciation.
• Address intimacy issues openly and seek professional help if needed.

The Bigger Picture: Marriage and Society

The Social Impact of Strong Marriages

The Kellers argue that healthy marriages don't just benefit individuals – they strengthen society as a whole:

• Children raised in stable, two-parent households tend to have better outcomes.
• Strong marriages provide a model of commitment and love for future generations.
• Married couples often contribute more to their communities through volunteering and civic engagement.

Challenging Cultural Narratives

By presenting a positive, faith-based view of marriage, the authors hope to counter prevailing cultural narratives:

• They challenge the idea that marriage is outdated or unnecessary.
• They offer an alternative to the consumer model of relationships.
• They encourage readers to view marriage as a meaningful spiritual journey rather than just a legal or social contract.

Conclusion: The Enduring Value of Marriage

In "The Meaning of Marriage," Timothy and Kathy Keller present a compelling case for the continued relevance and value of marriage in modern society. By framing marriage as a covenantal relationship rooted in friendship and mutual growth, they offer a refreshing alternative to prevailing cultural views.

Key takeaways from the book include:

1. Marriage can lead to greater wealth and happiness when approached with the right mindset.
2. The search for a perfect "soulmate" often sets unrealistic expectations for relationships.
3. Viewing marriage as a work in progress allows for more realistic expectations and greater commitment.
4. The Christian perspective on marriage emphasizes unconditional commitment and mutual accountability.
5. Marriage has the power to reveal our true selves and catalyze personal growth.
6. Cultivating friendship, practicing forgiveness, and maintaining a spiritual focus are key to building a strong marriage.

While the challenges facing marriage in contemporary society are real, the Kellers argue that the institution remains a powerful vehicle for personal transformation and societal good. By embracing a more nuanced and spiritually grounded understanding of marriage, couples can build relationships that are not only personally fulfilling but also contribute positively to the world around them.

Ultimately, "The Meaning of Marriage" invites readers to reconsider their views on this ancient institution and to explore its potential for fostering deep, meaningful connections in an increasingly disconnected world. Whether one approaches the book from a Christian perspective or not, its insights into the nature of commitment, personal growth, and enduring love offer valuable food for thought for anyone navigating the complex landscape of modern relationships.