Relationship Goals Summary

"To win in relationships, you must first identify a clear target; aimlessness leads to heartache." Michael Todd challenges us to rethink what we know about love and dating.

1. The Danger of Unrealistic Relationship Goals

In today’s social media-dominated world, we’re often bombarded with snapshots of perfect-looking couples. These images portray an illusion of flawless relationships but neglect the imperfections present in all partnerships. This skewed view creates unattainable goals for what some define as "relationship success."

Michael Todd illustrates this with Sarah, a church member whose long list of superficial criteria for a husband kept her from meeting great partners. She wanted an ideal man who ticked all her boxes—wealthy, athletic, funny, and from a two-parent household. Unfortunately, her unrealistic list was closing doors rather than opening them.

The author emphasizes that relationship goals should align with what we truly need from a partner rather than what our superficial desires dictate. Unrealistic expectations are a barrier to healthy connections, misleading us about love and commitment.

Examples

• Sarah’s strict criteria for finding a husband led her to reject several potential partners.
• Highlight reels on Instagram glorify aspects of relationships but hide struggles.
• Media representations in magazines often prioritize wealth or physical attractiveness over character.

2. Relationship Goals Should Align with God's Teachings

Modern relationships often lack clear purpose because we fail to define what we are aiming for. Michael Todd argues that without a spiritual foundation, like aligning with God’s teachings, relationships often drift aimlessly.

Using the author's parents as an example, he illustrates a partnership built on faith. His mother led a global ministry while his father supported her from the background, enabling her to live out her divine purpose. Their strong connection, rooted in faith and mutual support, helped them achieve meaningful goals beyond romance.

Having relationship goals tied to kindness, forgiveness, and purpose helps us aim for something meaningful. A partner should bring you closer to God, not distract you from Him.

Examples

• The author’s parents exemplify a faith-driven partnership where both roles worked toward a collective mission.
• Kindness and forgiveness are biblically outlined qualities that strengthen bonds.
• Aimless dating often leads people further from purposeful relationships.

3. A Healthy Relationship with God Lays the Foundation for Healthy Relationships

Michael Todd points out that human relationships are modeled after God’s eternal relationship within the Holy Trinity. Before people existed, a loving relationship already thrived between God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, showcasing our innate design to connect meaningfully with God first.

Doug, a friend of the author, experienced a decline in his relationships and business after estranging himself from God following a crisis of faith. Without a connection to God, Doug became pessimistic and selfish, ultimately damaging all areas of his life.

Cultivating a daily devotional practice, like prayer and scripture study, strengthens our bond with God and gives us wisdom to foster better relationships. Our connection with God acts as the anchor for all other connections in life.

Examples

• Doug’s heartbreak, both personal and professional, stemmed from neglecting his relationship with God.
• The Holy Trinity is a biblical example of eternal harmony and unity.
• A daily devotional practice ensures steady personal growth in faith.

4. Singleness Is a Time for Growth

Singleness is often overlooked, yet Michael Todd stresses it’s a crucial phase where individuals can focus on self-development. The single season allows people to explore passions, clarify their life’s purpose, and mature into better partners for the future.

The “I” in single stands for investing in personal progress, imagining future goals, and inspiring others by contributing positively to their lives. By maximizing this period of self-growth, you become prepared to be a loving and supportive partner.

This time without a partner is not to be feared but embraced as an opportunity for self-discovery and alignment with God’s plan for your life.

Examples

• Pursuing a creative passion like art or music during singleness can lead to career fulfillment.
• Imagining future dreams, like traveling abroad, sparks personal excitement for life.
• Mentoring someone younger during this phase helps influence others for good.

5. Intentional Dating Leads to Meaningful Connections

Michael Todd underscores the importance of moving away from recreational dating, which often lacks direction, and pursuing intentional dating to find a lifelong partner. Recreational dating, he explains, only distracts people from discovering someone truly compatible.

The author describes his own experience of breaking up with his now-wife Natalie. During their separation, his focus on short-term relationships created mistrust and pain when they reunited. He learned that dating with a purpose—not just for fun—was key to building lasting love.

Intentional dating means selecting partners wisely and making sure they share the same values and long-term outlook. Avoiding aimless relationships saves time and prevents heartbreak.

Examples

• The author’s “ten months of insanity” revealed that recreational dating was hollow.
• A clear shared goal, like marriage, creates stronger bonds in relationships.
• Being selective about whom you date reduces unnecessary rough patches.

6. A Ninety-Day Period of Intentional Dating Can Transform Relationships

The author shares how he coached Brandon and Taylor, a church couple interested in dating, through a ninety-day process where they got to know each other as friends first. This approach gave them clarity without prematurely committing.

During this time, they addressed fears, set boundaries like curfews, and explored each other's interests through meaningful discussions. Without the distractions of physical intimacy or rushed decisions, their relationship had room to flourish authentically.

This method makes dating less daunting and helps people understand compatibility without getting attached too soon.

Examples

• Discussing expectations early helped Brandon and Taylor avoid misunderstandings.
• Setting physical boundaries ensured they stayed focused on emotional connection.
• Shared interests in books and hobbies established a deeper sense of friendship.

7. Shed Toxic Relationships to Thrive Spiritually

Sometimes, relationships weigh us down instead of lifting us up. Michael Todd advises taking inventory of your relationships to ensure they help, not hinder, your spiritual and personal growth.

The author recounts T and Valeria, a couple whose relationship became emotionally toxic after they prioritized each other over their individual connections with God. Their failure to nurture their personal faith tore their relationship apart.

Cutting ties with unproductive relationships frees energy for connections that align with God’s purpose and fosters spiritual growth.

Examples

• T and Valeria’s breakdown revealed the cost of neglecting personal faith.
• Writing a list to evaluate which friendships are reciprocal helps set boundaries.
• The author’s investment in reciprocal relationships led to deeper bonds.

8. Marriage Requires Continuous Effort

A happy marriage isn’t the finish line but the beginning of ongoing teamwork. Once major milestones like kids or careers occupy time, couples sometimes neglect their relationship, causing a decline in intimacy.

Michael Todd shares that successful marriages require revisiting personal growth (singleness) and intentional dating. Doing things like learning new skills or engaging in activities together strengthens the bond.

Putting consistent effort into marriage ensures that it remains vibrant and fulfilling even decades later.

Examples

• Couples who lost touch after kids moved out rediscovered joy by pursuing hobbies together.
• Intentional dating within marriage fosters renewed intimacy and excitement.
• Working on self-improvement keeps one spouse inspiring to the other.

9. Words Have the Power to Build or Break Relationships

Harsh and critical language chips away at the fabric of love in any relationship. Michael Todd encourages a conscious effort to use words that uplift, even in the face of frustration.

He explains that conflict doesn’t have to mean harshness. Instead of criticizing a mistake, find something about your partner to praise in that moment. This approach diffuses arguments and shifts focus to what matters.

Positive language strengthens emotional bonds and keeps small irritations from ballooning into major issues.

Examples

• Replacing criticism with praise shifts arguments into constructive dialogue.
• Complimenting effort, like “I appreciate how hard you worked today,” restores goodwill.
• Avoiding harsh words during stress prevents damaging emotional outbursts.

Takeaways

1. Start each day by connecting with God through prayer or scripture to nurture relationships.
2. When dating, ask yourself whether the person shares long-term goals like marriage.
3. Regularly evaluate your closest relationships and remove ones that take more than they give.