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Why is change so hard? Because we often try to fix the surface without addressing the root cause.

1. Change Starts with Honest Self-Reflection

Change begins when we recognize that we are often our own biggest obstacle. Our natural tendency is to view ourselves through a flattering lens, which can distort reality. This "better-than-average" effect makes it hard to see our flaws and areas for growth.

Jesus’ teaching about removing the plank from our own eye before addressing the speck in someone else’s highlights this universal human failing. Similarly, psychologists emphasize the importance of self-awareness as the first step toward healing. Without acknowledging our shortcomings, we remain stuck in cycles of unproductive behavior.

To practice self-reflection, Fileta suggests a daily exercise: imagine your life as a movie and observe yourself as the main character. Pay attention to your routines, interactions, and habits. This objective perspective can reveal areas where you need to grow, whether it’s improving relationships, managing stress, or adjusting unhealthy behaviors.

Examples

• Studies show most people rate themselves as "above average" in areas like intelligence or kindness, even though this is statistically impossible.
• Jesus’ parable about the plank and the speck illustrates the human tendency to overlook personal flaws.
• Reflecting on your day as if you were an outsider can help you identify patterns you might otherwise miss.

2. Behavior is the Outcome, Not the Cause

We often focus on changing behaviors without addressing the thoughts and feelings that drive them. This approach is like treating symptoms without curing the disease. To create lasting change, we need to dig deeper.

Psychologists use the ABC model to explain this process. An activating event (A) triggers beliefs (B), which lead to emotional and behavioral consequences (C). For example, a neutral comment from a boss might trigger anxiety if you believe you’re not good enough, leading to defensive or avoidant behavior.

By addressing the beliefs behind our actions, we can break free from harmful patterns. Instead of just trying to stop overeating or procrastinating, we need to understand the thoughts and emotions fueling these behaviors.

Examples

• A person who overeats might discover they’re using food to cope with stress or loneliness.
• Someone who avoids conflict might realize they believe confrontation will lead to rejection.
• Recognizing that beliefs drive behavior can help you focus on the root cause of your struggles.

3. Childhood Shapes Our Default Thinking

Our default thought patterns are often formed in childhood. These early experiences create mental pathways that influence how we respond to life’s challenges as adults.

For instance, a child who learns they must be "good" to earn love might grow up striving for perfection, fearing failure, and doubting their worth when they fall short. These unconscious beliefs can lead to self-destructive behaviors and feelings of inadequacy.

To change these patterns, we must bring them into the light. Recognizing how childhood experiences shaped our thinking allows us to challenge and rewrite those narratives.

Examples

• A person raised in a critical household might develop a harsh inner critic that undermines their confidence.
• Someone who grew up in chaos might struggle with trust and stability in relationships.
• Identifying these patterns can help you break free from their grip and create healthier responses.

4. Negative Thoughts Drive Negative Behaviors

Negative thoughts often operate in the background, influencing our emotions and actions without us realizing it. These automatic responses are the brain’s way of conserving energy, but they can lead us astray.

For example, if you believe you’re unworthy of love, you might sabotage relationships or isolate yourself. These thought patterns feel automatic because they’ve been reinforced over time, but they can be changed with effort and awareness.

Fileta encourages readers to "take every thought captive," as the Bible advises. By identifying and challenging negative thoughts, we can regain control over our actions and emotions.

Examples

• A person who believes they’re a failure might avoid taking risks, reinforcing their belief.
• Someone who assumes others are judging them might withdraw socially, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Writing down negative thoughts can help you recognize and challenge them.

5. Cognitive Distortions Cloud Our Vision

Cognitive distortions are mental filters that warp our perception of reality. These "cracked lenses" make it hard to see the truth about ourselves and the world.

Common distortions include black-and-white thinking (seeing things as all good or all bad), catastrophizing (expecting the worst), and mind reading (assuming you know what others think). These patterns can lead to unnecessary stress and conflict.

To combat distortions, Fileta suggests identifying them and separating the truth from the lies. This practice can help you see situations more clearly and respond more effectively.

Examples

• A person who catastrophizes might assume a minor mistake at work will lead to being fired.
• Someone who discounts the positive might attribute their successes to luck rather than skill.
• Recognizing these distortions can help you challenge them and adopt a more balanced perspective.

6. Confession is a Path to Healing

Confession, whether to God or others, is a powerful tool for growth. Admitting our struggles and weaknesses helps us take responsibility and invites support and accountability.

Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous emphasize the importance of confession in recovery. By acknowledging their lack of control, participants take the first step toward change. Similarly, sharing your struggles with trusted friends or mentors can provide clarity and encouragement.

Confession isn’t just about admitting faults; it’s about creating space for transformation. When we own our "junk," we can begin to let it go.

Examples

• A person struggling with addiction might find freedom by admitting their problem to a support group.
• Sharing your fears with a friend can help you see them in a new light.
• Confession can strengthen relationships by fostering honesty and vulnerability.

7. Small Daily Habits Lead to Big Changes

Change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the result of consistent, intentional effort. Small daily habits can create momentum and lead to lasting transformation.

Fileta recommends setting aside a few minutes each day for self-reflection and goal-setting. This practice helps you stay focused and make incremental progress toward your goals.

By breaking big changes into manageable steps, you can build confidence and avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Examples

• Journaling for ten minutes a day can help you track your thoughts and identify patterns.
• Setting a daily intention, like practicing gratitude or kindness, can shift your mindset over time.
• Small actions, like drinking more water or taking a short walk, can improve your health and well-being.

8. Awareness is the Key to Breaking Cycles

Awareness is the first step to breaking harmful cycles. When we understand why we act the way we do, we can choose a different path.

Fileta emphasizes the importance of observing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment. This practice helps you identify triggers and patterns that keep you stuck.

With awareness, you can interrupt automatic responses and make conscious choices that align with your values and goals.

Examples

• Noticing that you overeat when stressed can help you find healthier coping mechanisms.
• Recognizing that you shut down during conflict can help you stay engaged and communicate more effectively.
• Awareness allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

9. Faith and Psychology Work Together

Fileta weaves together biblical principles and psychological tools to create a holistic approach to change. Both faith and science offer valuable insights into human behavior and transformation.

Scripture encourages self-reflection, confession, and renewing the mind, while psychology provides practical strategies for understanding and changing thought patterns. Together, they offer a powerful framework for growth.

By integrating faith and psychology, you can address both the spiritual and emotional aspects of your struggles.

Examples

• The Bible’s call to "renew your mind" aligns with cognitive-behavioral techniques for challenging negative thoughts.
• Confession, a biblical practice, is also a cornerstone of therapeutic approaches like group therapy.
• Faith can provide hope and motivation, while psychology offers tools for practical change.

Takeaways

1. Spend ten minutes a day reflecting on your thoughts, behaviors, and goals. Write down one thing you want to change and take a small step toward it.
2. Identify and challenge negative thought patterns by keeping a "default thinking" journal. Name the distortions and replace them with truth.
3. Share your struggles with a trusted friend, mentor, or support group. Confession can bring clarity, accountability, and encouragement.