In a world full of challenges and uncertainties, having the ability to bounce back from adversity is crucial. This is where resilience comes in. Forrest Hanson's book "Resilient" explores the concept of resilience and provides practical guidance on how to develop this essential life skill.
Introduction
Life is unpredictable. We can't always rely on external factors, other people, or even our own bodies. However, we can always count on our mental resources. Resilience is the key to unlocking these inner strengths. It encompasses qualities like determination, confidence, and compassion, which enable us to navigate difficult times, manage stress, and pursue opportunities with courage.
Resilience is not just about surviving; it's the foundation of mental well-being, happiness, and inner peace. The good news is that everything we need to cultivate resilience is already within us. By tapping into the power of our minds, we can literally change our brains for the better.
In "Resilient," Hanson offers simple practices and techniques that can be easily incorporated into daily life. By understanding the psychological mechanisms behind resilience and applying these strategies, we can equip ourselves to handle whatever life throws our way.
The Power of Self-Compassion
The journey to well-being begins with self-compassion. This might seem counterintuitive, especially in a world that often emphasizes toughness and self-criticism. However, research shows that being kind to ourselves is a crucial first step in building resilience.
Compassion is a combination of warm concern for feelings and a desire to relieve suffering. While most of us find it easy to feel compassion for others, we often struggle to extend the same kindness to ourselves. The good news is that self-compassion can be developed through practice.
To cultivate self-compassion, start by recalling past experiences of compassion. Think about a time when you helped someone in need, perhaps a sick relative. Remember how it felt to offer support and care. Now, try to apply that same attitude to yourself. Imagine being your own friend, offering understanding and kindness.
This practice of self-compassion isn't just about feeling better in the moment. Studies have shown that people who regularly practice self-compassion become more resilient over time. They tend to be less self-critical and have higher self-esteem. Surprisingly, self-compassion can even boost ambition and success in both personal and professional spheres.
By treating ourselves with the same kindness we'd offer a good friend, we create a solid foundation for resilience. We become better equipped to face challenges, knowing that we have our own back, no matter what happens.
The Art of Mindfulness
Imagine a herd of zebras grazing peacefully on an African savanna. They're alert but relaxed, keeping an eye out for predators while contentedly going about their day. Suddenly, a lion appears. Panic ensues, and the zebras scatter. But once the danger passes, they quickly return to their calm state.
This scenario illustrates a fundamental pattern in all our lives: periods of calm punctuated by moments of stress and urgency. While zebras are naturally adept at regaining composure after a stressful event, humans often need some help staying in a calm, responsive state. This is where mindfulness comes in.
Mindfulness is the practice of staying present in the moment and being aware of our thoughts and feelings without judgment. It's relatively easy to be mindful when things are going well, but the real challenge – and benefit – comes from maintaining mindfulness during stressful situations.
By staying mindful, we can limit the impact of negative experiences while fully appreciating positive ones. It's like a mental muscle that gets stronger with regular exercise. To start practicing mindfulness, try noticing moments when you feel at ease. It could be while looking out a window or reflecting on your day before sleep. That sense of calm focus, without trying to change anything in your awareness, is what mindfulness feels like.
The more we practice mindfulness, the better we become at conserving our mental and emotional resources. We're less likely to get caught up in a whirlwind of stress over minor incidents. At the same time, when genuinely urgent situations arise, we're better prepared to handle them without being overwhelmed.
Developing Grit
Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist who survived the horrors of Nazi concentration camps, observed something remarkable during his imprisonment. Despite the unimaginable suffering, some individuals maintained the ability to be generous and help others. They comforted fellow prisoners and even shared their meager rations. Frankl called this "the last of human freedoms" – the power to choose our response, regardless of the circumstances.
If it's possible to exercise this power in the most terrible of human circumstances, it's certainly possible in everyday life. This ability to choose our response is the foundation of grit – the quality of being tough and resourceful in the face of challenges.
A key ingredient of grit is a sense of agency. This is the feeling that we can make things happen in the world, rather than being passive recipients of whatever life throws at us. Agency doesn't have to involve grand gestures. It can be as simple as choosing what to wear or expressing a differing opinion. It's about being active rather than passive, taking initiative, and shaping the direction of our lives.
The opposite of agency is helplessness – the feeling of being powerless in the face of challenges. Unfortunately, many of us have learned helplessness through negative experiences like childhood bullying or unsupportive relationships. This learned helplessness can lead to hopelessness, pessimism, and even depression.
The good news is that helplessness can be unlearned, and our sense of agency can be strengthened. To do this, we need to actively look for opportunities to make choices and influence outcomes in our daily lives. It could be deciding to do one extra repetition during a workout or assertively restating our point in a meeting when we're not heard. By focusing on these moments of agency, we reinforce our ability to act and make a difference.
Developing grit through a strong sense of agency is crucial for resilience. It empowers us to face challenges head-on, knowing that we have the ability to influence outcomes and navigate difficult situations.
The Power of Gratitude
Think about the last time you felt truly thankful. Perhaps it was for a delicious meal prepared by a friend, or maybe it was a moment of appreciation for a beautiful sunny day. Regardless of the occasion, gratitude feels good. It's a positive emotion that we often overlook in our busy lives, focused on future goals and worries.
Gratitude is more than just a fleeting good feeling. Research has shown that it brings numerous benefits. It increases optimism and happiness while reducing anxiety and depression. Grateful people tend to have stronger relationships, experience less loneliness, and even enjoy better sleep. All of these factors contribute to greater resilience.
Given the rewards of gratitude, how can we cultivate more of it in our daily lives? One effective approach is to make gratitude a regular practice. This could involve keeping a gratitude journal, where you write down things you're thankful for each day. Another option is to write a letter of appreciation to someone who has positively impacted your life. Even setting a daily reminder to pause and give thanks can make a significant difference.
Another way to increase gratitude is to make time for activities that bring you pleasure. This might seem challenging, especially during stressful periods or when dealing with illness or relationship troubles. Many of us also have internal barriers that make it difficult to fully embrace pleasure, viewing it as an unnecessary indulgence or even feeling ashamed for enjoying ourselves.
However, embracing pleasure doesn't mean denying life's difficulties. In fact, accepting that pain and suffering are natural parts of the human experience can make it easier to allow more pleasure into our lives. Start by noticing small pleasures: the sound of your favorite music, the taste of a delicious treat, or the comfort of a soft pillow.
The more challenging your life circumstances, the more important it becomes to experience and internalize these pleasurable feelings. They serve as inner resources, providing the energy and positivity needed to keep going in the face of adversity.
Building Confidence
Have you ever watched a toddler learning to walk? The most successful ones often have parents who provide just the right balance of encouragement and freedom. They ensure their child's safety while allowing them to explore and discover their capabilities. This early experience of support and autonomy plays a crucial role in shaping a child's confidence.
By the age of two, children have accumulated countless experiences that influence how they interact with others and the world around them. These experiences inevitably affect their sense of confidence, which in turn impacts their resilience later in life.
The most important aspects of childhood that contribute to developing confidence are a sense of stability and security. When caregivers are warm, available, and reliable, they provide a solid foundation for a child's growing sense of self. Unfortunately, if parents are distant or inconsistent in their care, children are more likely to grow up with a sense of insecurity, which can hinder their resilience as adults.
The good news is that even if your childhood experiences weren't ideal for building confidence, it's never too late to develop this crucial trait. There are proven ways to boost your confidence and security, regardless of your age or background.
One effective approach is to actively seek out experiences in your current life that make you feel cared for. This care doesn't necessarily have to come from another person – it could be from a pet or even a spiritual belief. The key is to acknowledge and fully experience the feeling of being cared for. By regularly focusing on these feelings, you'll gradually become more comfortable with the idea that you're worthy of care, which in turn will strengthen your inner core of confidence.
Even those who had caring families in childhood aren't immune to life's ups and downs. What's crucial is learning how to respond effectively to negative events. Often, it's not the initial pain of an event that causes the most suffering, but our subsequent reactions to it. We tend to add a layer of unhelpful thoughts and emotions on top of the original upset, creating unnecessary additional distress.
When you find yourself spiraling into negative self-talk or harmful reactions, try to be mindful of your feelings. Pay attention to that critical inner voice, but make a conscious choice to question its validity. By doing so, you'll gradually strengthen your self-belief and build resilience against life's challenges.
The Importance of Staying Calm
In the wild, animals face two types of potential mistakes when it comes to perceiving threats. The first is believing there's a predator nearby when there isn't one. This might cause unnecessary fear, but it's generally harmless. The second, more dangerous mistake is failing to notice a real threat – like not spotting a tiger about to pounce.
Given the potentially fatal consequences of the second type of error, it's no surprise that our minds have evolved to err on the side of caution. We tend to overestimate threats while underestimating our ability to handle them. The result? A lot of unnecessary anxiety that drains our energy and distracts us from dealing with real problems.
Understanding how anxiety works is a powerful tool in managing it. At the core of this process is the autonomic nervous system, our body's control center responsible for fight-or-flight reactions. This system has two branches, which can be likened to the brake and gas pedals of a car.
The "brake" is the parasympathetic nervous system. When active, it slows down your heart rate and induces a state of relaxation. This is when your body recharges and you feel at peace.
The "gas pedal" is the sympathetic nervous system. When triggered, it speeds up your heart rate and releases stress hormones into your bloodstream. This revs up both your body and mind, potentially leading to intense or anxious thoughts.
These two branches work in opposition, like a seesaw. When one goes up, the other comes down. This means that by activating the relaxation response (the brake), we can dampen the stress response (the gas pedal).
One simple yet effective technique for harnessing this system is controlled breathing. The parasympathetic nervous system (the brake) controls exhalation, while the sympathetic system (the gas pedal) controls inhalation. By consciously slowing down your breath, especially focusing on longer exhalations, you can activate the relaxation response and reduce anxiety.
A practical exercise is to inhale for a count of three and then exhale slowly for a count of six. This simple breathing technique can help you regain calm and stop anxiety in its tracks, boosting your overall resilience.
The Art of Motivation
Imagine you're at a dinner party. You've just finished a delicious meal and even indulged in two desserts. Your host then brings out a third dessert, offers you a taste, and asks if you like it. Of course, it's delicious, but you're already uncomfortably full. This scenario illustrates an important distinction: liking something doesn't always mean wanting it.
Understanding the difference between liking and wanting is crucial for developing healthy motivation and maintaining resilience. Liking something can bring pleasure, but when it transforms into an insistent want, it can lead us astray and potentially undermine our resilience.
Resilience isn't just about coping with life's challenges and managing stress. It also involves having the motivation to pursue new and exciting opportunities. However, motivation can sometimes conflict with how we manage our desires. This is where the concept of "desiring well" comes into play.
Desiring well means being in charge of where your motivation leads you. It involves distinguishing between things you genuinely like and things you impulsively want. Understanding this difference can help you make choices that align with your true values and long-term well-being.
So, what makes liking and wanting so different in their effects on us? Wanting is often based on a perceived gap or lack that we're trying to fill. It comes with a sense of pressure or urgency – an almost compulsive drive to pursue the object of desire. It's no longer about savoring a delicious dessert; it's about desperately craving every last bite and more.
In contrast, liking without wanting is a much more pleasant and satisfying experience. It allows us to fully appreciate the things we enjoy without the fear that the pleasant experience will end or the compulsion to hold onto it. It's simply about enjoying the moment for what it is.
Of course, it's natural and human to want things. The problem arises when our wanting starts to control us. The goal isn't to stop wanting altogether, but to change our relationship with our desires.
One way to shift the balance towards liking is to reflect on the costs and rewards of wanting. For instance, you might notice that getting what you want isn't always as satisfying as you imagined it would be. You buy that new gadget you've been eyeing, and sure, it's nice – but the excitement often fades quickly.
The gratification from fulfilling wants is often fleeting, while the costs can be high. Just think about how addiction can devastate relationships and lives. By learning to desire well – to appreciate without desperately wanting – we can maintain a healthier balance and greater resilience in the face of life's temptations and challenges.
Pursuing Our Dreams
As children, many of us had grand dreams about what we wanted to be when we grew up. Perhaps you imagined yourself as an astronaut exploring the cosmos, or a movie star dazzling audiences on the big screen. But as we grow older, we often let go of these dreams, dismissing them as childish or unrealistic.
It's all too easy to talk ourselves out of dreaming big and instead settle for less. We might convince ourselves that our dreams are impractical or that we're not capable of achieving them. But by ignoring or dismissing our dreams, we could be missing out on a much more fulfilling life.
There are many factors that can get in the way of pursuing our dreams. One significant influence is the opinions of others. Think about how the people in your life – parents, teachers, friends – have affected your dreams. Did they encourage you to reach for the stars, or did they advise you to be more "realistic"? If they were dismissive or doubtful, you might find those attitudes still lingering within you, holding you back from pursuing what you truly want.
Fear is another major obstacle to following our dreams. We might refrain from chasing our aspirations because we're afraid of what might happen if we fail. For example, you might hesitate to start that business you've always dreamed of because you're afraid of financial ruin. Or you might avoid pursuing a romantic relationship because you fear rejection. These fears can build invisible fences around us, limiting our ability to fulfill our dreams.
Many of these fears are rooted in childhood experiences when everything seemed much bigger and scarier than it really was, and our resources for coping were limited. To start overcoming these fears, choose something you really want – maybe something you've been putting off for a long time – and ask yourself: "What have I been avoiding?" As you dig deeper, you'll probably uncover some uncomfortable experiences or emotions.
For instance, you might realize you've been holding back from taking initiative at work. This could stem from a fear that your colleagues will judge you or that you'll make a mistake. In this case, it's helpful to objectively assess the actual risks and benefits of following your dream. How likely is it that things will turn out as badly as you fear? How much satisfaction would you get from pursuing your goal anyway, despite the risks?
Often, you'll find that you've overestimated the risks and underestimated your ability to handle even the worst-case scenario. By challenging these fears and putting them in perspective, you can free your mind to think about the concrete steps you could take toward what's truly important to you.
Pursuing our dreams isn't just about personal fulfillment – it's an essential aspect of resilience. When we're working towards something we're passionate about, we're more likely to persevere in the face of obstacles. Our dreams give us a sense of purpose and direction, which can be a powerful source of strength during difficult times.
Moreover, the process of pursuing our dreams helps us develop important skills and qualities that contribute to overall resilience. We learn to set goals, develop strategies, overcome obstacles, and bounce back from setbacks. These are all valuable life skills that can help us navigate challenges in all areas of our lives.
It's never too late to reconnect with your dreams or to develop new ones. Start by allowing yourself to imagine what you truly want, without judgment or self-censorship. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What kind of life would bring you the most joy and fulfillment?
Once you've identified your dreams, break them down into smaller, manageable steps. This can make even the most ambitious goals feel more achievable. Celebrate each small victory along the way, as this will help build your confidence and motivation.
Remember, pursuing your dreams doesn't mean you have to make drastic changes overnight. It's about gradually aligning your life with your true desires and values. By doing so, you'll not only increase your chances of achieving your goals but also build resilience that will serve you well in all aspects of life.
Recap and Final Thoughts
Throughout "Resilient," Forrest Hanson explores various aspects of building inner strength and adaptability. Let's recap some of the key ideas:
Self-compassion: The journey to resilience begins with being kind to ourselves. By treating ourselves with the same compassion we'd offer a friend, we build a strong foundation for facing life's challenges.
Mindfulness: Staying present and aware helps us navigate stress more effectively. Regular mindfulness practice can help us stay calm under pressure and fully appreciate positive experiences.
Grit: Developing a sense of agency and the ability to persevere in the face of obstacles is crucial for resilience. We can strengthen our grit by actively seeking out opportunities to make choices and influence outcomes in our daily lives.
Gratitude: Cultivating thankfulness not only feels good but also contributes to overall well-being and resilience. Regular gratitude practices can help us appreciate the good in our lives, even during difficult times.
Confidence: Building self-assurance is an ongoing process. By seeking out experiences of being cared for and challenging negative self-talk, we can grow our confidence over time.
Staying calm: Understanding and managing our body's stress response system can help us maintain composure in challenging situations. Simple techniques like controlled breathing can be powerful tools for regulating our emotions.
Healthy motivation: Learning to "desire well" by distinguishing between liking and wanting can lead to more satisfying and resilient life choices.
Pursuing dreams: Reconnecting with our aspirations and working towards meaningful goals can be a powerful source of resilience and personal growth.
The overarching message of "Resilient" is that we all have the capacity to develop inner strength and adaptability. Resilience isn't a fixed trait that some people have and others don't – it's a set of skills and mindsets that can be cultivated over time.
By incorporating these practices into our daily lives, we can build a robust inner core that helps us not just survive life's challenges, but thrive in the face of them. We become better equipped to handle stress, bounce back from setbacks, and pursue opportunities with confidence.
Moreover, developing resilience isn't just about preparing for hard times. It's about enriching our everyday experiences, strengthening our relationships, and living more fulfilling lives. As we grow more resilient, we may find ourselves more open to new experiences, more capable of supporting others, and more in tune with our true selves.
Remember, building resilience is a journey, not a destination. It's okay to struggle sometimes – in fact, it's through facing and overcoming challenges that we often grow the most. The key is to approach this journey with patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to learn and adapt.
As you move forward, consider which of these areas resonate most with you. Perhaps you'd like to focus on cultivating more self-compassion, or maybe you're drawn to the idea of reconnecting with your dreams. Start small, be consistent, and celebrate your progress along the way.
Ultimately, the practices and insights shared in "Resilient" offer a roadmap for not just weathering life's storms, but for flourishing in all aspects of life. By developing our inner resources, we can face whatever comes our way with greater ease, grace, and even joy.