Introduction
In her groundbreaking book "Take Back Your Brain," Kara Loewentheil presents a powerful guide for women to recognize and overcome internalized misogyny. This insightful work delves into the ways societal biases shape our thoughts and behaviors, often without our conscious awareness. Loewentheil offers practical strategies and cognitive exercises to help women reclaim their power and rewrite their personal narratives.
The book begins by introducing us to Sarah, a talented software engineer whose story exemplifies how even highly accomplished women can struggle with self-doubt and anxiety due to internalized misogyny. Sarah's experiences serve as a relatable starting point for readers, highlighting the pervasive nature of these internalized beliefs and their impact on women's lives and careers.
Recognizing Internalized Misogyny
Loewentheil explains that internalized misogyny is the unconscious absorption and perpetuation of sexist attitudes by women against themselves or other women. It's a product of living in a patriarchal society, where we unknowingly internalize harmful gender stereotypes and biases from an early age.
The author introduces the concept of the "Voice" - that nagging internal dialogue that tells women to be likeable, pleasant, and that their ideas aren't worth sharing. This Voice is not our own beliefs but rather the mouthpiece of internalized misogyny. Even committed feminists aren't immune to its influence, as it operates on a subconscious level.
Loewentheil points out that women are often socialized to have "conditional self-esteem," feeling good about themselves only when meeting society's ever-changing and often unrealistic conditions. This conditioning contributes to what she calls the "brain gap" - a disparity in how women and men perceive their own abilities and potential.
Rewiring Your Thoughts
To combat internalized misogyny, Loewentheil emphasizes two core principles:
- What you think isn't necessarily true.
- You can intentionally change what and how you think.
The author explains that our brains start as blank pages, absorbing both explicit and implicit messages from our environment. In a patriarchal society, many of these messages are misogynistic, even when they contradict each other. For instance, mentors might encourage assertiveness, while pop culture glorifies meekness and compliance.
Loewentheil introduces the concept of cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches that our thoughts drive our emotions, which in turn drive our actions. These actions create returns that shape our world, often reinforcing our original thoughts. This cycle can perpetuate negative self-perceptions and limiting beliefs.
To break this cycle, the author suggests retraining our thoughts. This isn't about toxic positivity or unrealistic affirmations, but rather about weeding out thoughts that hold us back and rewiring our brains with an incremental approach.
Loewentheil warns readers to be prepared for resistance and discomfort during this process. She introduces the concept of "limbic friction" - the discomfort and resistance felt when trying to change ingrained thought patterns or behaviors. The limbic system, responsible for emotions and habits, tends to resist changes that feel unfamiliar or threatening.
To overcome these difficulties, the author emphasizes the importance of self-compassion. Instead of berating ourselves for mistakes, we should approach our thoughts and actions with curious self-compassion, gently asking: "What's happening here?"
Loewentheil offers a simple exercise to start retraining the brain: Every time you have a self-critical thought, add the phrase "how human of me" to the end. For example, "I yelled at my kids - how human of me" or "I forgot to send that form - how human of me." This practice helps to normalize our experiences and reduce self-judgment.
Managing Emotions
Loewentheil emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing our emotions in the journey to reclaim our brains from internalized misogyny. She explains that emotions are essentially thoughts, and thoughts are something we can change. However, most of us aren't consciously aware of our thoughts; we only register the emotions they produce. This is why examining our feelings is so vital - they're important indicators of what's going on in our brains.
The author acknowledges that examining feelings can be challenging for anyone, especially when it comes to negative emotions like sadness or shame that we'd rather avoid. For women, this process is particularly tricky due to the way patriarchy has conditioned society to view women as "hysterical" in contrast to "logical" men.
Loewentheil provides a historical context for this conditioning, explaining how the stereotype of women as overly emotional or hysterical has roots in ancient Greek medicine. The term "hysteria" (derived from the Greek word for uterus) was used to describe a range of emotional symptoms in women. This framing persisted through the Victorian era and beyond, with women's emotions often dismissed as irrational or used as justification for denying them rights and opportunities.
The author introduces three ways we typically process feelings:
- 'Resist' by trying to suppress the emotion
- 'React' by attempting to numb it through coping mechanisms like drinking or online shopping
- 'Receive' the emotion by relaxing into the experience and attempting to tolerate it
Loewentheil advocates for the third approach, explaining that research shows if we receive rather than resist an emotion, the wave of feeling will pass in approximately 90 seconds.
To practice receiving emotions, the author offers several cognitive exercises:
Name and describe emotions: When you experience an emotion, label it. Is it anger? Envy? Sadness?
Receive the emotion: Tap into how your body is feeling and soften into the emotion. Explain what's happening in your body as if you're explaining it to an alien: "I'm feeling mad, so my heart is beating fast and my palms are sweaty." Keep repeating this explanation until you feel your body start to recalibrate.
Move the emotion through your body with somatic exercises:
- Peripheral vision: During fight or flight responses, our field of vision narrows to the area of perceived threat. By intentionally moving to peripheral vision, you signal to your brain that there's no threat.
- Cross-body stimulation: Tap alternately on your left and right knees or shoulders. This stimulation reorients the brain's focus onto the sensory input.
- Box breathing: Plant your feet on the floor. Inhale for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, then exhale for four counts.
If all else fails, use survival self-talk: "I'm safe. Nothing here is a threat to my survival."
Loewentheil emphasizes that by learning to receive and process our emotions effectively, we can better understand the thoughts driving them. This understanding is a powerful tool in recognizing and challenging the internalized misogyny that may be influencing our emotional responses.
Actively Rewiring Thought Patterns
Loewentheil challenges readers to consider what they're waiting for to feel their most worthy. A promotion? A proposal? She emphasizes that when we take charge of our own thoughts and feelings, we don't need to rely on external validation. We can achieve lasting self-worth and self-belief from within.
The author explains that emotions aren't caused by people or events. They're physical sensations within our bodies, created by our thoughts. Even if we become aware of the feeling before the thought, the thought is always at the core. This means we're in charge of how we feel in any given moment. However, Loewentheil clarifies that this doesn't mean we shouldn't feel bad when negative things happen to us.
To change our thoughts, Loewentheil suggests we first need to become aware of them. She offers an exercise: Set a timer for five minutes and write down your thoughts. You can write stream of consciousness or focus on something that's bothering you. The key is to keep writing no matter what.
Once thoughts are on paper, the next step is to figure out how they're making you feel. Label each thought with a feeling. This will help start matching thoughts with feelings. Loewentheil advises breaking thoughts down into the smallest units possible for accurate matching.
The author then suggests writing down all the actions (or inactions) these feelings prompt you to take. This information can help trace back any action you want to stop or start doing to the feelings and thoughts that create that action.
To change a thought that's holding you back, Loewentheil introduces the thought ladder exercise:
Find your current thought. For example: "I don't want my boss to think I'm greedy."
Choose your goal thought. For instance: "I deserve to be recognized for my work."
Brainstorm your ladder thoughts – these are the thoughts that will take you from your current thought to your goal thought. Example: "Asking for a promotion is not unreasonable, and I bring experience and talent to this organization." These thoughts don't need to be in any particular order. Find a thought you can believe right now and focus on that. Repeat until you reach your goal thought.
If you need help, Loewentheil suggests adding a qualifier to your goal thought: "I sometimes do work deserving of recognition." Sit with that thought until you can move onto the next rung on the ladder.
Another tip is to add a statement of intent: "I am learning to believe that my work is valuable."
The author emphasizes the importance of practicing the goal thought over and over again until it's embedded in your brain.
Loewentheil explains that this process of thought management is powerful in combating internalized misogyny. It allows us to challenge and change the limiting beliefs that patriarchal society may have instilled in us. She reminds readers that our thoughts shape our reality, and by actively working to shift our thoughts from self-doubt to self-assurance, we're not just changing our mindset - we're reclaiming our power and potential.
Stepping into Your Power
In the final section of the book, Loewentheil focuses on the importance of recognizing and reclaiming our power in the battle against internalized misogyny. She points out that society has long conditioned men to believe they can make things happen, while women are often socialized to sit back and wait for things to happen to them.
The author emphasizes a powerful truth: we are never powerless, even if we've been conditioned to feel that way. We always have agency to respond to our circumstances.
Loewentheil acknowledges two coexisting realities:
- Women generally underestimate the agency they have to change their own lives.
- Society is rigged against women, often denying them agency.
She stresses that it's not helpful to pretend societal obstacles to women's success don't exist – they absolutely do. However, our thoughts make a significant difference in how we respond to these obstacles. Women need to find a way to create a different world for themselves, and we can do that through what Loewentheil calls "returns."
The author introduces a model: thought → feeling → action → return. The returns are the results of our actions. The more our actions reflect authentically positive and radically possible beliefs, the more our world changes to be the way we want to see it.
Loewentheil emphasizes that our actions impact our experience of life and the outcomes we create. This doesn't mean our thoughts create our reality entirely. But by iterating our thoughts to create more positive feelings, which flow into more positive actions, we can significantly influence our outcomes. She explains that reprogramming our brain can't change the world, but it can have a big impact on how we exist within the world.
The author reminds us that we have control over the meaning we ascribe to the things that happen to us. For example, if our partner breaks up with us, we can control whether our interpretation is "we weren't compatible" or "I'm worthless and undeserving of love." The former allows for growth and future possibilities, while the latter reinforces negative self-perceptions.
Moreover, Loewentheil argues that we have more ability to impact our own outcomes than we might believe. If we think we can't do something, we're unlikely to try. But if we think we can, we're more likely to take the first step on a potentially life-changing journey.
To see different returns in our lives, the author suggests using the cognitive exercises discussed earlier to trace returns back to their root thoughts, through actions and feelings. Then use the thought ladder to change those thoughts.
Loewentheil emphasizes that taking back our power doesn't mean denying the existence of societal barriers or minimizing the real challenges women face. Instead, it's about recognizing that despite these obstacles, we have agency. We have the power to shape our responses, our actions, and ultimately, our lives.
Conclusion
In "Take Back Your Brain," Kara Loewentheil provides a comprehensive guide for women to recognize and overcome internalized misogyny. Through a combination of cognitive exercises, emotional management techniques, and empowering perspectives, she offers a roadmap for reclaiming control over our thoughts and emotions.
The book emphasizes that overcoming internalized misogyny is a journey that requires patience, persistence, and above all, compassion for ourselves. By challenging the Voice of misogyny in our heads, we're not just improving our own lives - we're contributing to dismantling the patriarchal structures that perpetuate these harmful thought patterns.
Loewentheil reminds us that our feelings are valid and worthy of examination. By facing them head-on, we're taking an important step in reclaiming our brains from patriarchal conditioning and moving towards a more authentic, empowered self.
The author encourages readers to examine their thoughts, challenge their beliefs, and take action based on what they truly want, not what society has conditioned them to expect. She emphasizes that our power has always been there – now it's time to embrace it fully.
By challenging the internalized beliefs that limit us, by recognizing our inherent worth and capabilities, we're not just changing our own lives – we're contributing to a broader shift in societal norms. Each woman who reclaims her power chips away at the foundations of internalized misogyny.
"Take Back Your Brain" is more than just a self-help book; it's a call to action for women to reclaim their power, rewrite their narratives, and contribute to a more equitable society. It provides the tools and insights needed to embark on this transformative journey, offering hope and empowerment to women who have long struggled with the effects of internalized misogyny.
As we close the pages of this book, we're left with a sense of possibility and the knowledge that change begins within us. By taking back our brains, we're not just improving our own lives – we're paving the way for future generations of women to live free from the constraints of internalized misogyny. It's a journey worth taking, not just for ourselves, but for all women.