The Advice Trap

"Stop giving advice!" Michael Bungay Stanier challenges us in The Advice Trap. Are we really helping others—or just satisfying our need to feel important?

1. Unwanted Advice Creates Barriers Instead of Building Bridges

Our reflex to give advice can often do more harm than good. Stanier argues that we frequently interrupt others to share our solutions, assuming we’re being helpful. Instead, this cuts people off and prevents real understanding. He points out that advice often leads to misunderstandings because we advise before fully knowing the problem.

Constantly giving advice can also exhaust us by keeping us entangled in others’ issues, limiting the time we have for broader, more strategic thinking. Moreover, advice can undermine the confidence of the recipient, making them feel incapable of solving their own problems.

Recognizing when advice is unnecessary creates opportunities to build trust rather than erect barriers. Conversations focused on empathy and collaboration, rather than solutions, prompt better connections and foster mutual respect.

Examples

• Interrupting a friend with a “simple solution” only to find out their main concern was emotional, not practical.
• A manager solving all team issues instead of helping the team develop critical problem-solving skills.
• Feeling stressed and burnt out from constantly being the “fixer” in personal or work relationships.

2. The Advice Monster: Identifying the Inner Voice

Stanier introduces the "Advice Monster," a compelling persona inside all of us that urges us to solve everything. This monster feeds our ego, making us believe our answers are the only way forward. He categorizes the monster into three types: "Tell-It," "Save-It," and "Control-It."

"Tell-It" assumes knowledge equals worth, pushing the belief that only authoritative answers matter. "Save-It" emerges when we feel morally obligated to fix everyone's plight, letting us carry the weight of the world needlessly. Finally, "Control-It" drives us to micromanage, fearing chaos if we let others take the reins.

These parts of us, though unhelpful, developed to manage stressful experiences where control felt necessary. Recognizing your Advice Monster and its triggers can help you tame it and let others contribute.

Examples

• Feeling the need to dominate meetings because "Tell-It" insists your input is indispensable.
• Jumping into solving a friend's financial problem because "Save-It" convinces you they can't handle it alone.
• Refusing to delegate tasks at work, believing "Control-It" ensures results.

3. Recognizing Triggers to Tame the Monster

The Advice Monster doesn’t just appear randomly—it’s triggered by specific people or situations. These triggers vary for everyone but are often tied to stress or feelings of external pressure.

Stanier encourages identifying patterns: What makes your inner monster most active? For instance, some people feel compelled to overexert control with colleagues they perceive as inexperienced. Others feel the advice-giving reflex kick in during family gatherings or heated debates.

By recognizing triggers, you can stop reacting impulsively. Spotting these patterns gives you a chance to pause, listen, and reflect on whether advice is needed—or if there’s a better way to engage.

Examples

• Jumping to solve workplace issues when new hires struggle.
• Feeling an urge to dictate holiday plans with extended family.
• Offering tips in debates to assert knowledge, even when unsolicited.

4. Questions Are the Secret to Effective Communication

The best way to tackle challenges isn't by giving advice—it’s by asking powerful, open-ended questions. Stanier emphasizes how great leaders use questions as tools to dig deeper, build autonomy, and spark real introspection.

Simple, open questions like “What’s on your mind?” invite others to share their thoughts without feeling directed. Follow-ups such as “What else?” draw out hidden concerns, and “What’s the real challenge here?” helps uncover the core problem. Closing with, “What was most useful for you in this conversation?” ensures the other person feels valued and empowered.

Teaching someone through questions, rather than solutions, encourages problem-solving and self-reliance.

Examples

• Using “What else?” repeatedly in a coaching session to reveal additional, deeper concerns.
• Asking “What’s the real challenge here?” to help a colleague realize their issue is fear-based, not resource-related.
• Ending a family discussion with “What was most valuable about this talk?” to strengthen connection.

5. The Role of Vulnerability in Meaningful Conversations

Many shy away from meaningful conversations because they are uncomfortable with vulnerability. Stanier labels certain tactics people use to avoid digging deep, such as staying “Foggy” (skimming the surface) or “Yarning” (telling endless stories).

Steering a superficial conversation into a valuable exchange requires identifying and challenging avoidance tactics. For example, when someone gets sidetracked, ask, “Why does this matter to you?” This helps refocus the discussion on what’s really bothering them.

Overcoming reluctance to vulnerability not only helps people grow but also deepens trust and fosters mutual understanding.

Examples

• A coaching session derailed by irrelevant complaints becomes productive after asking, “Why does this matter?”
• Redirecting an abstract discussion by asking, “What problem do you feel this approach will solve?”
• Gently confronting someone avoiding emotional topics, like fear or grief, with curiosity.

6. Creating a Safe Space During Tough Conversations

Conversations involving challenges can stir up emotions, leading people to shut down or become defensive. To counter this, Stanier outlines four strategies for making people feel safe.

The first step is aligning yourself as their partner by using inclusive language like “we” and “us.” Next, show respect by establishing equality between you both. Third, give that person autonomy. Finally, avoid surprises—set clear expectations.

Safety reduces anxiety, enabling people to focus and engage in deeper conversations for problem identification and resolution.

Examples

• Starting a session with “We’re in this together” to emphasize teamwork.
• Encouraging a team member to choose their action plan, fostering autonomy.
• Structuring coaching meetings with outlined processes to eliminate surprise.

7. Practicing Coaching Makes You Better at It

Great coaches aren’t born—they’re made through consistent practice. Stanier suggests incorporating coaching habits into everyday interactions. This means treating every conversation as an opportunity to listen, ask, and reflect.

Slow, steady improvement involves trial and error, and setbacks don’t indicate failure. Treat each moment as a chance to reset and realign with a coaching mindset rather than pressuring yourself.

The flexibility of modern tools, like text messages and emails, can also be used creatively to guide others thoughtfully.

Examples

• Transforming watercooler chatter with colleagues into a chance for open-ended dialogue.
• Asking your partner, “What do you want out of this weekend?” instead of planning unilaterally.
• Seeking constructive feedback from others about your coaching approach.

8. Exploring Vulnerability Makes You a Better Coach

Coaching others can expand your perspective, but being coached deepens your empathy. Seeking someone to guide you helps identify blind spots in your communication style and confirms the value of vulnerability.

Stanier encourages embracing the discomfort of being on the receiving end. Experiencing this perspective first-hand develops insights into others' challenges and fears and builds your capacity for compassionate guidance.

Practicing being coachable ultimately sharpens your ability to lead, teach, and support.

Examples

• Joining a coaching group to develop listening and feedback skills.
• Asking a trusted friend to share how they perceived a recent conversation.
• Writing personal reflections after a coaching experience to track your growth.

9. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection

Breaking the advice-giving habit is a long journey. There will be moments when old patterns pop up despite our efforts. Stanier reminds readers it’s not about perfection but progress.

Pay attention to small wins along the way—actively choosing to ask rather than tell in one conversation, or recognizing triggers before reacting. View these moments as steps forward, helping to reinforce new habits without dwelling on setbacks.

The goal is consistency rather than overnight success, fostering gradual yet lasting change.

Examples

• Acknowledging that you paused before sharing advice during a family dispute.
• Recognizing growth when a coworker solves their problem without your intervention.
• Celebrating small achievements to sustain long-term motivation.

Takeaways

1. Identify your Advice Monster and closely examine its triggers to recognize when it’s unhelpfully influencing conversations.
2. Practice asking open-ended questions in daily interactions, making curiosity your default mode of connection.
3. Seek out opportunities to be coached yourself. This will help you grow as a leader by enhancing your empathy and vulnerability.