The Confidence Code

Confidence isn’t simply believing in oneself—it’s taking action despite doubts or failures.

1. Confidence is the Connection Between Thinking and Acting

Confidence acts as a bridge from internal thoughts to visible action. Too often, people hold back out of self-doubt, missing opportunities that could otherwise benefit them. While men generally feel more emboldened to act, women often hesitate due to uncertainty about outcomes.

Research illustrates this gender dynamic in an experiment by Professor Zach Estes. Female students outperformed males only when required to answer every question on a tricky puzzle test. Before this requirement, many women left numerous responses blank due to fear of being wrong.

Additionally, confidence shouldn't be confused with optimism. Optimism is a general mindset of expecting good outcomes, while confidence is grounded in the willingness to act. Optimism can, however, inspire actions that fuel confidence over time.

Examples

• Female students leaving questions blank, despite knowing the answers.
• Retaking the test revealed equal performance when forced to try.
• Optimists tend to initiate actions that can later encourage confidence.

2. Men and Women Exhibit Confidence Differently

Men typically display confidence through assertive behaviors, such as speaking up or acting quickly in group settings. Women, by contrast, tend to project confidence more collaboratively, often listening and strategizing with others.

The business world is heavily shaped by male-dominated norms. Aggressive traits are valued more than qualities like cooperation, reinforcing a gender disparity. However, women can exhibit strong confidence without mimicking these aggressive traits. Acting authentically while defending one's ideas equally demonstrates inner strength.

For instance, artificially adopting “tough” behavior might create a false appearance of confidence, but this approach lacks substance. Genuine confidence, grounded in self-belief and action, resonates much more effectively among peers and leaders alike.

Examples

• Only 4% of Fortune 500 companies are led by women.
• Women are collaborative in problem-solving, contrasting with males' direct approaches.
• Pretending toughness can backfire when colleagues perceive it as inauthentic.

3. Confidence Shortfalls Impede Women’s Career Progression

The workplace demands that individuals self-promote and prove their worth, yet women often feel uneasy engaging in this behavior. They may settle for poor conditions, failing to speak up even when deserving better opportunities.

One telling statistic revealed men negotiate four times more often than women for higher salaries. Additionally, women generally anticipate less significant salary bumps even when they advocate for changes. These tendencies, driven by hesitancy or low confidence, keep women underrepresented in managerial roles or excluded from vital discussions.

Speaking up confidently in meetings also determines career advancement. Women tend to remain quiet in male-dominated environments, which curbs their visibility and limits their impact as innovators or leaders.

Examples

• Men negotiate salary four times more often and ask for 30% more than women.
• Women contribute 75% less in conversations when outnumbered by men.
• Remaining hesitant about self-promotion harms career trajectory.

4. Competence Alone Doesn't Guarantee Success Without Confidence

Being good at your job doesn’t automatically make someone confident in their role. Women may equate success with perfection, constantly doubting themselves even when highly accomplished. This self-perception leads many professionals to stop setting ambitious goals.

Christine Lagarde, IMF Managing Director, confessed she faced doubts even in one of the world’s highest leadership roles. She strived onward because she recognized progress comes with taking risks and pushing limits, even uncertain ones.

Self-perception significantly impacts behavior. When female students underestimated their capabilities in studies, they avoided external opportunities such as joining contests—choices made purely from internal doubt, not a lack of ability.

Examples

• Many capable women consistently feel underprepared despite proven qualifications.
• Christine Lagarde overcame doubts through persistent effort and risk-taking.
• Only 49% of women applied for contests compared to 71% of men, purely based on confidence gaps.

5. Confidence Has Genetic Foundations

Up to half of someone’s confidence level is linked to their biology. For example, serotonin, a chemical that eases anxiety, is produced more effectively in people who carry a "long version" of certain genes. Those with the "short version" may struggle with confidence even in ideal conditions.

Studies in monkeys showed that animals with the "confident" variant were outgoing and took risks regardless of upbringing. This suggests a basic nature versus nurture interplay: innate genetics define a baseline, while environment builds on it.

Although tough life environments can affect those with weaker predispositions to confidence, humans with strong confidence-related genes often overcome circumstances that might suppress others.

Examples

• Serotonin production varies based on genetic markers, impacting confidence.
• Monkeys with "long" serotonin genes behaved boldly, even under poor caregiving.
• Those with "short" genetics struggled without supportive interventions.

6. Environment Shapes the Remaining Half of Confidence

Environmental factors fill the gaps left by predispositions. Positive reinforcement and care during formative years can drastically offset genetic predispositions toward anxiety. Experiments show nurturing maternal behavior in monkeys elevated even genetically predisposed shy animals into confident adults.

However, societal lessons given to girls often result in perfectionism. From a young age, girls are rewarded for obedience, leading them to focus on "getting things right" instead of embracing calculated risks. This perfectionist mindset suppresses natural exploration, which is essential for confidence.

Social stereotypes also magnify challenges. Women who assert themselves are often judged harshly, discouraging them from adopting confident behaviors. Double standards persist in settings where both peers and authority figures expect women to "stay in their lane."

Examples

• Monkeys overcame genetic shyness through close maternal bonds.
• Perfectionism prevents bold risks, common in traditional female upbringing.
• Navy women ridiculed as “DUBs” serve as extreme examples of societal bias.

7. Confidence is Trainable Even in Adulthood

Our brains adapt to thought patterns, known as plasticity. With physical and mental exercises, we can break cyclical negative thinking. Adjusting responses to certain fears or doubts allows the brain to adopt new habitual reactions over old instincts.

For example, behavioral therapy for spider fears effectively rewired participants’ fearful reactions at a neurological level. Confidence works the same way: retraining simple mindsets like reframing failures allows women to replace emotional setbacks with empowering opportunities.

Changing small habits daily, like replacing self-criticism with affirmative thought, builds inner strength. Rewiring the brain doesn’t happen overnight, but incremental steps create long-term improvement.

Examples

• Behavioral therapy eliminated fear responses deeply rooted in participants' brains.
• Choosing to reinterpret failures breaks free from negative mental spirals.
• Practice-driven habits like affirmations slowly raise overall self-image.

8. Failure is Key to Growth and Confidence

Confidence builds as we take repeated actions—even if those actions initially seem daunting. Though fear of failure often leads many women to remain inactive or overthink situations, failure itself is the best teacher.

For instance, submitting a less-than-perfect paper to a contest opens the door for better performance next time. Fear vanishes as you face consequences and realize they’re manageable, helping reframe mistakes as stepping stones to eventual success.

Over time, as setbacks occur and are resolved, confidence grows. The key is seeing failure less as a judgment of capability and more as evidence of effort and room for improvement.

Examples

• Submission to competitions builds comfort with imperfection.
• Re-approaching math after prior poor testing allows fresh improvement.
• Learning lessons from lost opportunities prepares you to seize future ones.

9. Action Drives Confidence, Not Perfection

Confidence thrives on motion. Waiting for assurance before speaking or acting limits you more than taking a bold, imperfect step forward. Women often wait for near-perfection before sharing ideas, losing potential breakthroughs in analysis paralysis.

In work scenarios, as women stop second-guessing themselves and act, they discover instincts kick in to build credibility and trust. Bosses or colleagues might challenge ideas, but the experience remains valuable.

Acting decisively, even with mistakes along the way, demonstrates courage. Indeed, repeated actions build authentic confidence—not just through success but by weathering occasional failures and continuing forward.

Examples

• Habitual contributors in meetings grow stronger over time through trial-and-error.
• Taking flagged ideas leads teams to respect boldness regardless of outcome.
• Lingering over a draft delays projects never sent—action rewards the sender.

Takeaways

1. Speak Up Without Perfect Form: Whether in meetings or personal conversations, simply share ideas when the moment arises.
2. Fail Often and Learn Quickly: Build comfort with failure by taking small risks that slowly prepare you for larger, life-changing decisions.
3. Reprogram Negative Narratives: Identify recurring self-doubt and consciously replace it with affirmations tied to your strengths.