In a world where nearly half of all marriages in the US end in divorce, it's clear that we're struggling to make relationships work. Despite all our modern progress, we seem to be plagued by jealousy, longing, affairs, and heartbreak more than ever. So what's going on? Why do we find it so difficult to maintain healthy, lasting relationships?
Susan Piver's book "The Four Noble Truths of Love" offers a fresh perspective on this age-old problem by turning to an unexpected source: ancient Buddhist philosophy. While it might seem strange to look to celibate monks for relationship advice, Piver argues that Buddhist teachings on life and love are surprisingly applicable to modern romance.
This book aims to challenge our conventional notions about love, sex, and relationships. By examining our expectations and habits through a Buddhist lens, Piver hopes to liberate us from the misconceptions that often sabotage our relationships. She also introduces mindfulness practices that can help us connect more deeply with our partners and find greater contentment in our love lives.
The Four Noble Truths: A Buddhist Foundation
To understand Piver's approach, we first need to grasp the basics of Buddhist philosophy, specifically the Four Noble Truths. These teachings, first shared by Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha) over 2,500 years ago, form the cornerstone of Buddhist thought.
The First Noble Truth: Life is Suffering
This doesn't mean that everything in life is terrible. Rather, it points to an underlying discomfort that we all experience due to the transient nature of existence. We struggle because we can't hold onto the things we love – our youth, our possessions, our relationships. This impermanence causes anxiety about the future and sorrow for what we've lost.
The Second Noble Truth: The Cause of Suffering is Attachment
It's not the transience itself that causes suffering, but our attachment to things that inevitably change or disappear. We suffer because we can't let go.
The Third Noble Truth: It's Possible to End Suffering
There is a way out of this cycle of suffering. By accepting reality as it is and learning to relinquish our attachments, we can find peace.
The Fourth Noble Truth: There is a Path to End Suffering
Known as the Noble Eightfold Path, this is a set of guidelines for living a moral life that leads to enlightenment.
These ancient teachings serve as the foundation for Piver's "Noble Truths of Love," which apply Buddhist wisdom to modern relationships.
The First Noble Truth of Love: Relationships Never Completely Settle
Many of us approach relationships with the belief that if we can just solve our current problems, everything will be smooth sailing from then on. We engage in "if only" thinking: If only we had more money, if only we lived closer together, if only we had children – then our relationship would be perfect.
But Piver argues that this mindset is fundamentally flawed. Problems are not temporary obstacles to be overcome; they are an integral part of any relationship. Once one issue is resolved, another will inevitably take its place. This isn't a sign that something is wrong – it's simply the nature of relationships.
Whether you're on your first date or celebrating your 30th wedding anniversary, there will always be challenges to face. You'll experience doubts, feel disconnected, get irritated, stressed, confused, and sad. And that's okay. It's normal. It's part of what it means to be in a loving relationship.
This truth might seem pessimistic at first glance, as if it's suggesting that all our efforts to improve our relationships are futile. But that's not the case at all. In fact, these problems are what help build and strengthen our relationships. Each challenge forces us to come together, communicate, and find solutions. It's through resolving these issues that we deepen our intimacy and grow closer to our partners.
The mistake we often make is imagining that there's some perfect, problem-free state of happiness waiting for us on the other side of our current issues. But such utopias exist only in our imagination. Instead of constantly striving for an idealized future, we need to learn to embrace the small joys and pleasures we have right here, right now, in the midst of life's inevitable ups and downs.
Understanding and accepting this truth can be liberating. It frees us from the unrealistic expectation that our relationships should always be easy or consistently make us happy. When we accept that challenges are a normal part of any relationship, we can approach them with more patience, resilience, and compassion.
The Second Noble Truth of Love: We Make Relationships Unstable by Expecting Them to Be Stable
Our society has a problematic tendency to confuse love affairs with relationships. Popular culture, especially movies and TV shows, often focuses on the initial stages of romance – the butterflies, the passion, the euphoria. Once the protagonists fall in love, the story usually ends, implying that they'll live "happily ever after."
This portrayal has led many of us to equate love with the intense emotions of infatuation. We expect the passion and excitement of a new relationship to last forever. But this expectation is not only unrealistic – it's harmful to our relationships.
Love Affairs vs. Relationships
Love affairs and relationships are fundamentally different. Love affairs are primarily about feelings – specifically, how the other person makes us feel. They're somewhat self-centered, focused on the euphoria and passion we experience. Relationships, on the other hand, are about genuine connection and intimacy with another person. They don't always make us feel good, and that's okay.
The problem arises when we expect relationships to maintain the constant high of a love affair. We think that if the intense passion fades or if we're not feeling euphoric all the time, something must be wrong. But this simply isn't how relationships work.
The Reality of Relationships
In reality, relationships fluctuate. Our emotions come and go. Desire waxes and wanes. We might adore our partner one day and find them exasperating the next. This is normal and natural, but many of us have trouble accepting it.
By expecting love to be stable – to always feel the same way, to always be passionate and exciting – we actually make our relationships more unstable. We create unnecessary pressure and set ourselves up for disappointment.
Embracing the Ebb and Flow
To have healthier, more satisfying relationships, we need to adjust our expectations. It's unreasonable to expect to feel enraptured all the time. In fact, we should expect to feel bad sometimes. We're not always going to look at our partner with love, and that's okay. A fight here and there doesn't mean the relationship is failing.
When we soften our expectations and accept that all relationships have their struggles, we release a lot of pressure. We can let go of the "grass is always greener" mentality and embrace our relationships for what they are – imperfect, sometimes difficult, but ultimately rewarding connections with another human being.
This truth encourages us to find contentment in the present moment, rather than always striving for some idealized version of love. It allows us to appreciate the depth and complexity of our relationships, including the challenges that help us grow and the quiet moments of companionship that might not be exciting, but are deeply fulfilling.
The Third Noble Truth of Love: Attachment is the Root of Relationship Dissatisfaction
In Buddhist philosophy, attachment is seen as the root of suffering, and this applies to relationships as well. We become attached to certain feelings, experiences, and stages of a relationship, and this attachment causes us pain when things inevitably change.
Forms of Attachment in Relationships
We get attached to the euphoria and excitement of new love. We become attached to certain sexual experiences or the frequency of intimacy. We cling to the infatuation stage of a relationship, trying desperately to prolong it or resurrect it when it's gone.
But is all attachment bad? Isn't forming a deep connection with someone the whole point of a relationship? The key here is understanding the difference between connection and unhealthy attachment.
Healthy Connection vs. Unhealthy Attachment
Forming connections with others is natural and necessary for relationships. The problem arises when we can't let go when circumstances change. Unattachment doesn't mean being emotionless or unloving. It means being able to gracefully accept when things end or change, rather than resisting reality.
The Blame Game: Another Form of Attachment
Another harmful form of attachment in relationships is our tendency to create stories or explanations for our feelings, often blaming our partners. When we feel bad, we look for reasons why, and our partners are often easy targets.
We might think, "We're not working out because he's not trying hard enough," or "I'm stagnating in life because she's holding me back." While sometimes our partners do contribute to our negative feelings, often these stories are unfounded and only serve to create unnecessary division.
Feel the Feeling, Drop the Story
Piver suggests a helpful approach: feel the feeling, drop the story. In other words, it's okay to acknowledge and experience our emotions, but we should be cautious about attaching elaborate explanations or blame to those feelings. Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling, not a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship.
By learning to let go of our attachments – to feelings, experiences, stages of a relationship, and the stories we tell ourselves – we can reduce a lot of unnecessary suffering in our relationships. We can learn to flow with the natural changes and cycles of love, rather than constantly fighting against them.
The Fourth Noble Truth of Love: True Love is Embracing Instability Together
Many of us enter relationships seeking a safe haven from life's struggles. We want someone who will soothe our pain, fulfill our desires, and bring us lasting contentment. But this expectation is more akin to magical thinking than real love.
The Reality of Relationships
While relationships can provide comfort, security, and happiness at times, they're just as likely to make us feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and upset. The one thing a relationship can't offer is stability. Our feelings towards our partners are constantly shifting in unpredictable ways, much like the weather.
Embracing the Rollercoaster
This doesn't mean we should avoid relationships. Rather, we need to understand what we're getting into. Relationships are a wild ride, full of ups and downs. The key is not to resist this instability, but to embrace it.
True love, according to Piver, is knowing that the ride will be rough but choosing to take it anyway. It's the willingness to board the rollercoaster of emotion, desire, and confusion with another person, simply for the benefit of companionship.
The Challenge and Reward of Relationships
Relationships aren't meant to be easy. They're a constant challenge, requiring ongoing communication, interpretation, and work. But it's precisely this difficulty that makes relationships so profound and rewarding.
Each challenge is an opportunity to deepen your connection, to learn more about yourself and your partner, and to grow together. By embracing the instability inherent in relationships, we open ourselves up to a deeper, more authentic form of love.
Practical Steps: Building Intimacy Through Communication
Understanding these truths about love is one thing, but putting them into practice is another challenge entirely. Piver offers practical advice for integrating these insights into our relationships, focusing on building intimacy through mindful communication.
Meditative Conversation: A Tool for Deeper Connection
One technique Piver suggests is the practice of meditative conversation. This combines elements of meditation with focused communication, allowing couples to align their mindstreams and achieve a unified spiritual experience.
Here's how it works:
- Find a quiet place where you can sit facing each other.
- Decide who will speak first.
- Begin with two minutes of silent meditation.
- The listener then asks, "How are you?"
- The speaker has five uninterrupted minutes to talk about anything related to themselves.
- After five minutes, the listener thanks the speaker.
- Another two minutes of silent meditation follows.
- The roles then switch.
- Conclude with two more minutes of silent meditation and an invitation for the relationship to blossom.
This practice encourages deep listening and honest sharing, helping to build intimacy and understanding between partners.
The Power of Mindfulness in Relationships
Throughout the book, Piver emphasizes the importance of mindfulness in nurturing healthy relationships. Mindfulness – the practice of being fully present and aware in the moment – can help us navigate the challenges of love with greater ease and grace.
Benefits of Mindfulness in Relationships
Improved Communication: Mindfulness helps us listen more attentively and speak more thoughtfully.
Emotional Regulation: By becoming more aware of our emotions, we can respond to relationship challenges more calmly and constructively.
Increased Empathy: Mindfulness can help us better understand and connect with our partner's experiences and feelings.
Reduced Reactivity: By creating a pause between stimulus and response, mindfulness can help us avoid knee-jerk reactions that often escalate conflicts.
Greater Appreciation: Mindfulness encourages us to notice and appreciate the small moments of joy and connection in our relationships.
Incorporating Mindfulness into Your Relationship
Piver suggests several ways to bring mindfulness into your relationship:
Daily Meditation: Even just 10 minutes a day can make a significant difference. You can meditate alone or with your partner.
Mindful Listening: Practice giving your full attention when your partner is speaking, without planning your response or getting lost in your own thoughts.
Pause Before Responding: In moments of conflict, take a breath and check in with yourself before responding.
Gratitude Practice: Regularly acknowledge and express appreciation for your partner and the positive aspects of your relationship.
Mindful Touch: Practice being fully present during physical intimacy, focusing on sensations and connection rather than getting lost in thoughts.
By incorporating these practices, couples can cultivate a more mindful approach to their relationship, leading to deeper connection and greater resilience in the face of challenges.
Redefining Love: Beyond Feelings to a Way of Being
One of the core messages of Piver's book is the need to redefine our understanding of love. In our culture, we often equate love with positive emotions and passion. We think of it as something that happens to us, a feeling that we fall into or out of.
But Piver argues that this conception of love is limited and ultimately self-centered. When we focus solely on how love makes us feel, we miss out on its deeper, more transformative potential.
Love as a Practice
Instead of seeing love as just a feeling, Piver encourages us to view it as a practice or a way of being. True love, in this sense, is about how we show up for our partner and for the relationship, regardless of how we feel in any given moment.
It's about:
Commitment: Choosing to stay present and engaged, even when things are difficult.
Compassion: Cultivating kindness and understanding, both for our partner and ourselves.
Growth: Being willing to face our own shortcomings and support our partner's growth.
Presence: Fully showing up for the relationship, in both good times and bad.
Acceptance: Embracing our partner as they are, rather than trying to change them.
The Adventure of Love
When we understand love in this way, relationships become less about achieving a particular emotional state and more about embarking on an adventure together. It's about facing life's challenges hand-in-hand with another person, navigating the ups and downs together.
This view of love doesn't promise constant happiness or ease. In fact, it acknowledges that relationships will inevitably involve discomfort, confusion, and pain. But it suggests that these difficulties are not obstacles to love – they're opportunities to deepen it.
By reframing love in this way, we can find meaning and growth in even the most challenging aspects of our relationships. We can learn to appreciate the entire journey of love, not just the euphoric moments.
Embracing Imperfection in Relationships
Another key theme in Piver's book is the importance of embracing imperfection in our relationships. Many of us enter relationships with idealized expectations, hoping to find a "perfect" partner or to create a flawless union. But these expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration.
The Myth of the Perfect Relationship
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Every couple faces challenges, has disagreements, and goes through periods of disconnection. By letting go of the idea that our relationship should be perfect, we can actually enjoy and appreciate it more fully.
Finding Beauty in the Flaws
Instead of seeing flaws as problems to be fixed, we can learn to see them as part of what makes our relationship unique and beautiful. Our partner's quirks, our occasional disagreements, even our struggles – all of these contribute to the rich tapestry of our shared life.
Growth Through Imperfection
Moreover, it's often through navigating imperfections and challenges that we grow as individuals and as a couple. Difficulties can strengthen our commitment, deepen our understanding of each other, and help us develop greater patience and compassion.
By embracing imperfection, we free ourselves from the constant pressure to "fix" our relationship. We can relax into what is, rather than always striving for what "should be."
The Importance of Self-Love
While much of Piver's book focuses on how we relate to our partners, she also emphasizes the crucial role of self-love in healthy relationships. We can't truly love another person in a healthy way if we don't first love ourselves.
Self-Love vs. Selfishness
It's important to distinguish between self-love and selfishness. Self-love isn't about putting our needs above everyone else's. Rather, it's about treating ourselves with the same kindness and compassion we'd offer to a loved one.
How Self-Love Improves Relationships
When we love ourselves:
- We're less likely to seek validation from our partner, reducing neediness and dependency.
- We're better able to set healthy boundaries.
- We're more resilient in the face of relationship challenges.
- We're able to love our partner more fully and authentically.
Practicing Self-Love
Piver suggests several ways to cultivate self-love:
- Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, especially when you make mistakes.
- Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being.
- Self-Acceptance: Embrace all parts of yourself, including your flaws.
- Self-Respect: Honor your values and boundaries.
By nurturing a loving relationship with ourselves, we create a solid foundation for loving others.
The Role of Individuality in Relationships
While connection and togetherness are important in relationships, Piver also stresses the importance of maintaining individuality. A healthy relationship is not about two people merging into one, but about two whole individuals choosing to share their lives.
Balancing Togetherness and Independence
It's crucial to find a balance between spending time together and pursuing individual interests and goals. This balance looks different for every couple, but the key is that both partners feel supported in maintaining their unique identities.
The Benefits of Individuality
When we maintain our individuality within a relationship:
- We bring fresh energy and experiences to the partnership.
- We're less likely to become codependent.
- We continue to grow as individuals, which can enrich the relationship.
- We maintain a sense of self outside of the relationship, which can be particularly important if the relationship ends.
Supporting Each Other's Growth
Part of loving someone is supporting their personal growth and dreams, even when they're different from our own. This might mean encouraging your partner to pursue a new hobby, supporting their career aspirations, or simply respecting their need for alone time.
By honoring each other's individuality, we create a relationship that's not restrictive, but expansive – one that allows both partners to flourish as individuals and as a couple.
Navigating Change in Relationships
Change is an inevitable part of life and relationships. Partners grow and evolve, circumstances shift, and the dynamics of the relationship itself transform over time. Piver emphasizes the importance of learning to navigate these changes with grace and openness.
Embracing Change
Rather than resisting change, we can learn to embrace it as a natural part of the relationship journey. This doesn't mean we have to like every change, but we can approach them with curiosity and a willingness to adapt.
Communication During Transitions
Open, honest communication becomes even more crucial during times of change. It's important to:
- Share your feelings and concerns with your partner.
- Listen to your partner's perspective without judgment.
- Be willing to compromise and find new ways of relating.
- Seek professional help if you're struggling to navigate significant changes.
Growing Together Through Change
While change can be challenging, it also presents opportunities for growth and renewal in the relationship. By facing changes together, couples can deepen their bond and discover new aspects of themselves and each other.
The Practice of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a crucial skill in any long-term relationship. We all make mistakes, hurt each other unintentionally, and sometimes act in ways we later regret. Learning to forgive – both ourselves and our partners – is essential for maintaining a healthy, loving relationship.
Understanding Forgiveness
Piver emphasizes that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning hurtful behavior or forgetting that it happened. Rather, it's about choosing to release resentment and move forward.
The Process of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is often a process rather than a one-time event. It may involve:
- Acknowledging the hurt
- Expressing your feelings
- Listening to your partner's perspective
- Working together to address the underlying issues
- Choosing to let go of resentment
- Rebuilding trust over time
Self-Forgiveness
It's equally important to learn to forgive ourselves. We all make mistakes in relationships, and holding onto guilt or shame can be just as damaging as holding onto resentment towards a partner.
By cultivating a practice of forgiveness, we create space for healing and renewal in our relationships.
Conclusion: Love as a Lifelong Journey
In "The Four Noble Truths of Love," Susan Piver presents a vision of love that's both challenging and deeply rewarding. She encourages us to let go of our fairy-tale notions of romance and embrace a more realistic – and ultimately more fulfilling – approach to relationships.
Love, in Piver's view, is not a destination we reach or a state we achieve. It's a lifelong journey of growth, challenge, and discovery. It's about choosing, again and again, to show up for our partner and for the relationship, even when it's difficult.
By understanding and accepting the inherent instability of relationships, we can release ourselves from unrealistic expectations and find joy in the present moment. By learning to let go of our attachments – to feelings, to outcomes, to the stories we tell ourselves – we can navigate the ups and downs of love with greater ease and grace.
Piver's approach doesn't promise a problem-free relationship or constant happiness. Instead, it offers something more valuable: a path to deeper connection, greater self-awareness, and a love that can weather life's inevitable storms.
Through practices like mindful communication, self-love, and forgiveness, we can cultivate relationships that are resilient, authentic, and deeply satisfying. We can learn to embrace the entire journey of love – the joys and the sorrows, the excitements and the challenges – as opportunities for growth and deepening intimacy.
Ultimately, "The Four Noble Truths of Love" invites us to see love not just as a feeling, but as a practice – a way of being in the world and in relation to another person. It's about showing up, staying present, and opening our hearts, even when it's scary or uncomfortable.
By reframing our understanding of love in this way, we open ourselves up to a richer, more meaningful experience of relationships. We learn to find beauty in the imperfections, growth in the challenges, and deep connection in the shared journey of life.
This book offers a compassionate, realistic, and ultimately hopeful perspective on love and relationships. It reminds us that while love may not always be easy, it is always worth the effort. And by embracing the truths of love – including its inherent instability and challenges – we can cultivate relationships that are not just satisfying, but truly transformative.