The Kindness Method

How can self-compassion reshape the way we achieve lasting change in our lives?

1. Self-Compassion: The Foundation of Change

Self-compassion is the starting point for lasting change. Shahroo Izadi discovered this through her own struggles with weight loss. Years of extreme dieting and harsh self-criticism failed to provide lasting results. The turning point came when she decided to treat herself with the kindness and patience she extended to others.

By being kind to herself, Izadi not only managed to lose weight but also improved her overall well-being. Her new approach shifted the focus from punishing herself to building a positive self-image. She realized that negative self-talk only perpetuates failure, while encouragement and understanding drive sustainable results.

This insight reveals that the battle isn't just about fixing habits but also about re-wiring how we view ourselves. Self-kindness creates a stronger foundation for success, and it’s a universal tool applicable to any aspect of personal growth.

Examples

• Izadi treated herself with as much kindness as she imagined she would have after hitting her weight-loss goals.
• Her improved self-esteem had a ripple effect on the rest of her life, strengthening relationships and boosting her confidence.
• This method worked better for her than any health program because it focused on improving both her actions and mindset.

2. Avoid Judging Your Own Habits

Judging your habits as "bad" can trap you in self-defeating cycles. Izadi draws on her experience as a therapist in addiction recovery to highlight the power of a judgment-free approach. She argues that looking at habits without bias helps create realistic pathways to improvement.

When people resist behaviors by labeling them as failures, the tendency to avoid honest self-reflection grows. Businessman Paul, one of Izadi’s clients, curtailed his drinking habit not through outright abstinence but by acknowledging its impact and incrementally making changes. Tackling habits without shame fosters clarity and dedication.

Creating judgment-free processes allows us to be truthful about both our motivations and obstacles. It’s about learning to approach change with curiosity instead of blame.

Examples

• Removing judgment allowed one of Izadi’s addiction clients to reduce drug use without guilt holding her back.
• Honest reflections helped Izadi herself admit her real motivations for weight loss—personal happiness, not medical necessity.
• Filling out honest maps of "what works" opened doors to consistent self-assessment.

3. Build Awareness of Your Strengths

Recognizing your existing strengths and achievements is essential for motivation. Too often, we focus on weaknesses and overlook the positive attributes that make change achievable. By appreciating what you’ve already accomplished, you create a habit of confidence.

Izadi introduces the idea of a “Ways I’m Happy to Be” map. Participants list their qualities and achievements, which serves as a constant reminder of their capabilities. This exercise not only sets a positive tone for personal improvement but also helps combat setbacks.

Positive self-mapping shifts focus from failure to potential. Reflecting on strengths builds hope and ensures that your past achievements propel you forward in times of uncertainty.

Examples

• Izadi asked clients to create “What I’m Proud of” and “Ways I’m Happy to Be” maps.
• A participant reminded himself of running marathons, laying the groundwork to tackle future goals with confidence.
• These exercises counteracts the belief that failure defines your progress.

4. Reflect on Past Failures and Successes

Lasting change calls for both celebrating past wins and learning from unsuccessful efforts. Instead of brushing off what hasn’t worked before, we should understand patterns in our behavior to craft better approaches.

Izadi suggests mapping scenarios where you’ve demonstrated resilience, alongside situations where change efforts faltered. What conditions allowed you to thrive? What challenges routinely derail you? Paul, her client, found drinking and complaining after work hindered his ambitions. New routines broke this cycle.

Understanding your habits in depth provides a full view of both limitations and openings. Planning becomes an informed process rather than a guessing game.

Examples

• Izadi’s clients map past successes to build a framework for replicating conditions conducive to growth.
• A client identified that mentoring from colleagues directly helped her meet her career goals.
• Personal reflections revealed unclear planning caused failures in past attempts to lose weight or pick up exercise.

5. Understand the “Why” Behind Your Habits

Labeling habits as merely “bad” robs us of the chance to understand why they exist. Every habit, good or bad, serves some purpose—even if it’s temporary relief. When trying to change habits, it’s essential to acknowledge their origins without judgment.

Creating a “What’s the Harm?” map helps clarify the broader impact of your habits. By objectively listing the harm a behavior causes, you better understand your motivations for wanting to quit. This also fortifies your resolve when temptations arise.

Identifying habits’ roots allows one to tackle them from multiple angles—addressing not just the routines, but underlying emotional triggers.

Examples

• A recreational drug user saw how partying on weekends wasn't just fun but weakened her entire week.
• Izadi learned binge-eating gave comfort after personal breakups but ultimately undermined her well-being.
• Participants in Izadi's method discovered that avoidance tactics like overwork masked deeper anxiety issues.

6. Track and Manage Your Triggers

Triggers are the unspoken forces that push us toward old habits. They can range from stress to specific environments. By identifying triggers early, you can take steps to minimize exposure or reframe how you respond.

Izadi recommends mapping “What Will Test Me?” to track upcoming challenges. Do certain people or situations increase your stress? Do unchecked cravings or a lack of routine return you to harmful patterns? Journaling triggers in real-time helps anticipate and address these obstacles.

Becoming aware of triggers before temptation strikes allows powerful preparation. You can craft actionable routines to respond thoughtfully, not reactively.

Examples

• Stressful deadlines pushed a client into overeating, but planned meal prepping removed this trigger.
• Mapping long commutes led one participant to replace smoking breaks with audiobooks.
• Identifying loneliness as a smoking trigger helped a habit-changer rearrange their evenings with new social plans.

7. Start Small and Keep It Real

Grandiose plans often set us up for failure. Shahroo shares how incremental, realistic goals are far more sustainable than extreme solutions. Instead of massive lifestyle overhauls, small shifts allow gradual adjustment, which builds momentum over time.

One client, Paul, aimed to quit drinking, overhaul his diet, and job hunt at once. Izadi guided him to implement more modest changes, such as skipping two drinks per week and job hunting for two hour-long blocks. Building consistency leads to long-term wins.

Reasonable steps foster progress without overwhelm. This pragmatic approach boosts motivation and happiness while sticking to the plan.

Examples

• Paul adjusted drinking patterns incrementally rather than relying on extreme abstinence.
• By extending his bus rides to include a walk, Paul created small health shifts aligned with his work goals.
• One participant replaced sugary snacks with a chosen, healthier treat weekly, keeping changes manageable.

8. The Power of Self-Reflection

Writing out your motivations is another key tactic. When progress stalls, self-reminders reconnect you to your goals. A written letter detailing your purposes for change can reignite motivation and maintain accountability.

Izadi encourages her clients to write as if they're talking to their best selves in moments of doubt. These letters serve as grounding tools when decisions begin diverging from priorities.

Reflection keeps purpose top of mind, especially during setbacks when self-discipline wanes.

Examples

• Clients addressed letters taking ownership of progress instead of outside blame.
• Writing helped one person solidify quitting caffeine after years of inconsistency.
• Personal letters reminded participants that their health and relationships stood to thrive without regret-filled pitfalls.

9. Adjust and Celebrate Along the Way

Progress isn’t linear. Reviewing what’s working and expressing pride in small wins keeps the process moving. Set regular dates to assess your plans, tracking what succeeds and shifting what doesn’t.

Izadi stresses that celebrations amplify motivation. Adding incremental successes to maps equips you with positivity that fuels long-term commitment.

Celebrations acknowledge that real change is about persistence—not about perfection.

Examples

• One participant celebrated losing just two pounds in weeks but used it as momentum toward more progress.
• A client rewarded herself by revisiting success maps weekly, gaining fresh motivation.
• Regular reviews allowed participants to tweak plans toward realistic, actually achievable milestones.

Takeaways

1. Reflect daily on potential triggers and set a plan for responding to them effectively.
2. Write a motivating letter to yourself, outlining why you’re committed to positive change.
3. Use self-mapping exercises to identify both reasons for pride and areas needing adjustment.