The Origins of You

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." – Viktor Frankl

1. Your past shapes your present

Understanding how family dynamics and early relationships influence your current behavior is fundamental. These dynamics form your "origin stories," which are the core narratives that drive your beliefs and actions. By digging into your upbringing, you can uncover emotional wounds that may be impeding your growth.

It's not enough to gloss over your past or dismiss unpleasant memories. Reflecting on who played roles in your childhood – parents, siblings, or caretakers – is important. Were your caregivers supportive, critical, or inconsistent? Identifying these patterns helps you see how they impact your current relationships.

For example, someone raised by a parent who frequently criticized them might struggle with self-worth. Similarly, observing parents who avoided conflict might lead you to fear asserting boundaries. Unearthing these stories helps you create change.

Examples

• A child with an overly critical parent might grow up doubting their capabilities.
• Someone whose parents had an unpredictable relationship might struggle with trust in adulthood.
• Witnessing constant family conflict could make someone avoid tough conversations.

2. Emotional wounds need addressing

Emotional wounds are not different from physical ones—they can't heal without attention. These wounds, often tied to feelings of rejection, shame, or neglect, can have long-term impacts on your self-concept and relationships.

Veronica’s story reflects this. Her mother’s abrupt departure left her feeling abandoned, creating a "worthiness wound." As an adult, Veronica pushed people away by being overly demanding or critical. Real breakthrough happened when she acknowledged her past pain and began the healing journey.

To repair such wounds, it’s essential to name them, fully feel the associated emotions, and gradually pivot to healthier behaviors. It’s a painful yet rewarding process that rebuilds the foundation of self-worth.

Examples

• A child whose parent leaves without explanation could grow up feeling unlovable.
• Parents who are emotionally unavailable might create doubts about their child’s importance.
• Unmet needs in childhood can lead one to overcompensate in adult relationships.

3. Conflict can deepen relationships

Conflict doesn't have to drive people apart. When handled constructively, disagreements can lead to greater understanding and stronger connections. The key lies in becoming vulnerable and addressing emotional needs instead of shutting down or becoming defensive.

Mark and Troy's story highlights this. Mark, who harbored a worthiness wound, often stonewalled during arguments about money. Troy’s critique triggered feelings of inadequacy for Mark. A real change occurred only when Mark stopped withdrawing and began sharing his emotions.

Recognizing the emotional wounds behind your reactions and those of others can transform how you approach disagreements. It allows for a space where both people feel heard and valued.

Examples

• Expressing vulnerability in a disagreement can make others feel more connected to you.
• Shifting focus from criticism to underlying emotions can reduce tension.
• Revisiting conflicts later with self-awareness fosters growth and trust.

4. The importance of boundaries

Boundaries are critical for maintaining healthy relationships with yourself and others. Without them, it’s easy to fall into people-pleasing behaviors, sacrificing your needs to avoid rejection or conflict.

Imagine always saying yes to requests because you're afraid people will think less of you if you don’t. While this may keep the peace temporarily, it often leads to resentment. Learning to say no and assert your needs isn’t selfish – it’s self-respect.

Boundaries also challenge others to respect you. When you establish clear limits, relationships become more balanced and respectful.

Examples

• Declining to attend a social engagement because you need rest is an act of boundary-setting.
• Asking for help instead of shouldering responsibilities alone communicates a healthy limit.
• Letting a partner know you're unavailable during work hours sets professional boundaries.

5. Awareness offers choice

Impulsive reactions often perpetuate harmful patterns. Respecting the pause – taking time before you respond to stressful situations – allows you to make thoughtful decisions rooted in your values.

Consider Viktor Frankl’s philosophy: between stimulus and response, a space exists. In that space, you can either default to old behaviors or choose a new, intentional response. Learning to self-regulate your emotions, like practicing deep breathing or walking away momentarily, can help.

Practicing this pause empowers you to respond thoughtfully to triggers rather than react impulsively, shifting your behavior over time.

Examples

• Instead of yelling, pausing to count to ten can reduce heated arguments.
• Before reacting to criticism, reflecting on its validity can save unnecessary conflict.
• Taking a short walk during a tense moment can clear your head.

6. Healing requires grieving

To move forward, you must grieve the parts of yourself lost to pain or maladaptive coping mechanisms. Grief helps release emotions and clears a path for healing and self-discovery.

Imagine Veronica grieving her lost sense of trust after her mother left her. By allowing herself to fully feel and process this grief, she reconnected with her authentic self, the part of her that deserves unconditional love and care.

This grieving process is cleansing. It liberates you, helping you rebuild on a healthier emotional foundation.

Examples

• Allowing yourself to cry about a lost relationship can aid closure.
• Grieving unmet childhood needs opens the door to self-nurturing.
• Letting go of an old coping strategy, like avoidance, can free emotional energy.

7. Vulnerability strengthens bonds

True connection thrives on vulnerability. Sharing your fears, wounds, and deeper needs with someone creates empathy and understanding, even during challenging moments.

Mark and Troy turned their communication around through vulnerability. Instead of shutting down, Mark opened up about his feelings of inadequacy when money was discussed. This candidness shifted their dynamic and fostered intimacy.

Being willing to show your authentic, imperfect self strengthens trust and deepens emotional bonds.

Examples

• Admitting you’re scared can help a friend offer reassurance.
• Acknowledging your mistake during a conflict shows humility.
• Sharing a painful memory invites others to support you emotionally.

8. Self-awareness is empowering

Understanding your emotional triggers and behavioral patterns gives you a sense of control and clarity. Awareness is the first step toward breaking cycles of harm and making thoughtful decisions.

Ask yourself reflective questions: Why did this situation upset me? What need feels unfulfilled? By identifying your triggers, you can address wounds with greater insight and choose actions that align with your values.

Awareness isn't about perfection – it's about progress. Each moment you learn is an opportunity to grow.

Examples

• Realizing an argument stems from childhood insecurities offers perspective.
• Noticing you overextend yourself at work can lead to setting boundaries.
• Recognizing avoidance in relationships lets you take proactive steps.

9. Transforming pain into growth

Your wounds don’t define you. Instead, healing can transform your pain into strength and wisdom. Actively participating in your emotional recovery reclaims your power and creates a life rooted in authenticity.

Whether it’s through therapy, journaling, or mindfulness, engaging in your healing journey makes you resilient. Every small choice you make to prioritize self-care, set healthier boundaries, or connect authentically contributes to this shift.

While the process is challenging, it’s worth it. You can harness your struggles to thrive instead of merely survive.

Examples

• Choosing therapy to navigate unresolved trauma paves the way for healing.
• Practicing self-care builds emotional strength.
• Sharing your story helps others find hope in their own struggles.

Takeaways

1. Explore your past by journaling and reflecting on key relationships and events that shaped your beliefs and emotional patterns.
2. Practice pausing before reacting to triggering situations, using techniques like deep breathing to make thoughtful, intentional choices.
3. Regularly set boundaries that reflect your authentic needs, even if they cause temporary discomfort, to nurture mutual respect and personal growth.