The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control Summary

Perfectionism isn’t a problem; it's power, waiting to be harnessed.

1. The Two Faces of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often labeled as something negative—a flaw rather than a strength. But that perspective ignores its potential. Katherine Morgan Schafler redefines it as a gift that can be steered to positive outcomes. There are two sides to perfectionism: adaptive and maladaptive.

Adaptive perfectionists channel their energy into productive actions. They value the journey, embrace mistakes as learning opportunities, and tend to have fulfilling relationships. On the other hand, maladaptive perfectionists are driven by fear of failure and an obsession with avoiding shame. They find it hard to celebrate achievements because their process is riddled with anxiety, sabotage, and self-punishment.

This distinction helps shift perfectionism from being something you should escape to being something you can master. Learning to embrace the strengths of adaptive perfectionism while mitigating its pitfalls allows individuals to live more fulfilling, balanced lives.

Examples

• A work project completed with enthusiasm versus one burdened by fear of critique.
• Celebrating progress in fitness goals rather than fixating on an ideal image.
• Taking responsibility to solve problems, not blaming oneself endlessly.

2. Five Types of Perfectionists

Perfectionists are not a one-size-fits-all group. Schafler identifies five types: classic, Parisian, procrastinator, messy, and intense, each driven by unique triggers and behaviors.

Classics are organized and determined but may struggle with flexibility. Parisians prioritize social harmony and approval but risk neglecting their own needs. Procrastinators hesitate to start for fear that reality won’t match their ideal vision. Messy types launch into tasks but lose momentum, leaving projects unfinished. Lastly, intense perfectionists focus so deeply on the outcome that they often overlook the process, potentially alienating others with impossible standards.

These categories help individuals recognize their tendencies and address perfectionism in a deeply personal and targeted way rather than applying a one-size-fits-all solution.

Examples

• A classic perfectionist organizing every detail of a wedding.
• A procrastinator waiting weeks to send an email due to doubt about wording.
• An intense perfectionist exhausting their team with exacting demands on a group project.

3. Self-Punishment Is the Real Enemy

Many perfectionists punish themselves as though this is a form of accountability. They believe self-criticism will somehow motivate better outcomes, but the reality is different.

Self-punishment focuses on blame, fostering negative self-talk and leaving no room for growth. It often leads to avoidance behaviors like binge-watching TV or overeating. True accountability, however, shifts this focus toward solving problems and learning from errors.

When perfectionists break this cycle by replacing self-punishment with self-compassion, they gain emotional resilience, enabling them to tackle challenges more effectively and positively.

Examples

• Choosing to learn from a missed deadline rather than ruminating over it.
• Avoiding the urge to dwell on awkward moments during a presentation and instead practicing for future speeches.
• Offering yourself forgiveness for minor parenting mistakes rather than spiraling into guilt.

4. Start with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is an antidote to harmful perfectionism. It allows individuals to accept their imperfections without losing sight of their goals. Compassion softens the internal dialogue and brings clarity.

Many perfectionists resist self-compassion because they mistake it for lenience or even giving up. However, focusing on lessons from setbacks or failures, rather than their emotional toll, helps growth. Compassion also builds a supportive relationship within oneself.

This mental shift toward kind self-reflection allows perfectionists to build energy to tackle their challenges while maintaining their standards in a healthy way.

Examples

• Recognizing that even top athletes make mistakes, but they keep training harder.
• Consciously praising effort during a learning process rather than lamenting slow progress.
• Engaging in a calming hobby to balance intense work pressures.

5. The Value of Connection

When self-compassion feels out of reach, finding connection can serve as a saving grace. Being around others, even without delving into deep emotions, fosters belonging and support.

Connection promotes resilience, whether that’s through casual chats or structured activities like group exercise. It reminds perfectionists that they are not alone and reinforces their sense of place within a community.

Rather than isolating themselves in moments of shame or anxiety, leaning into friendships and networks helps perfectionists recharge mentally and emotionally.

Examples

• Joining a book club to blend social time with personal interests.
• Asking a friend for help cooking meals during a busy time.
• Taking a group yoga class for physical and mental relief.

6. Celebrate the Process

Focusing on milestones alone can trap perfectionists in a never-ending pursuit of "what’s next." Happiness remains just out of reach. By finding ways to enjoy the process, they uncover hidden joys.

Emphasizing small victories fuels enthusiasm, bringing optimism even when the ultimate goal seems distant. Adaptive perfectionists use this mentality to stay motivated and balanced, knowing they can thrive without everything being “perfect.”

Celebrating the journey encourages taking risks, discovering interests, and remaining engaged in the long haul toward success.

Examples

• A marathon runner who treasures the training journey, not just crossing the finish line.
• An artist finding joy in the act of painting, even if the outcome isn't as envisioned.
• Turning small completed tasks at work into moments of gratitude and energy.

7. The Power of Failure

Failure isn’t the end—it’s where growth begins. Adaptive perfectionists see failure as an opportunity for learning, while maladaptive ones avoid it at all costs, holding themselves back.

Reframing failure allows individuals to fail forward, making errors stepping stones rather than roadblocks. A willingness to learn builds improvement and boosts confidence.

This lesson is transformative for perfectionists, who often measure self-worth through success. Seeing mistakes as constructive changes everything.

Examples

• A student who uses feedback on a failed test to excel in future exams.
• An entrepreneur learning from a misstep to create a stronger strategy.
• A chess player reflecting on losses to shape their next move.

8. Redefining Better

Comparing yourself to others often leads to unnecessary despair. Replacing "better or worse" with "different" offers a freeing perspective. This mental reframe honors individuality.

It’s important to remember that no single standard fits all. Perfectionists thrive when they focus on what works for them and recognize that differences aren’t deficiencies but variations.

This concept helps perfectionists reduce judgment and open themselves to wider possibilities for meaning and joy.

Examples

• A chef finding satisfaction in a dish’s uniqueness rather than obsessing over traditional recipes.
• A photographer developing a distinct style, instead of mimicking someone “better.”
• Letting go of workplace comparisons to cultivate unique strengths.

9. Rest as Restoration

For perfectionists, rest can feel wasteful, but it’s essential for sustainability. Both active rest (like cooking) and passive unwinding (like reading) restore energy.

Active relaxation caters more to perfectionists’ desire to still feel “productive,” while passive rest challenges them to step back and recharge. Just as deadlines require momentum, restoration requires balance.

Rest isn’t indulgent; it’s fuel to keep striving toward goals in a healthy manner.

Examples

• A writer taking breaks to browse a favorite bookshop to recharge creativity.
• Binge-watching a lighthearted show on particularly exhausting days.
• Journaling to refresh the mind while relaxing at the same time.

Takeaways

1. Replace self-punishment with self-compassion; practice kindness toward yourself in moments of failure or stress.
2. Build connections with others through support groups, group hobbies, or social activities to combat isolation.
3. Dedicate time to both active and passive relaxation strategies to maintain balance and preserve your mental energy.