The Power Paradox Summary

“Power is not the property of the individual, but of the relationship.” - Dacher Keltner

1. Power Is Everywhere, From Politicians to Family Dynamics

Power isn't exclusive to presidents or CEOs; it's present in our everyday lives, from influencing coworkers to persuading a child to eat their vegetables. At its core, power is the ability to make a difference.

History proves how individuals can use power for monumental change. Take Thomas Clarkson, who in 1785 used his Cambridge University essay to expose the horrors of the slave trade. His writings inspired boycotts and fueled activism, ultimately contributing to the British Parliament’s decision to outlaw slavery.

Psychological studies also reveal how power emerges in ordinary settings. In experiments where strangers had to solve problems without assigned roles, those who took initiative or encouraged others often naturally assumed leadership.

Examples

• Thomas Clarkson’s writings led to the abolition of slavery.
• Parents use power daily to guide their children’s habits.
• Research shows people who speak up first often gain leadership in group dynamics.

2. Helping Others Grants You Influence

Power comes not from dominance but from benefiting others. Whether sharing resources or offering emotional support, people who make others’ lives better gain influence in any social group.

Studies with university students show this trend. Those who were enthusiastic and kind consistently earned respect and power among peers over time. Similarly, in Inuit tribes, the most generous hunters and caregivers gained the highest standing, underscoring the link between altruism and leadership.

Even in small teams, helpfulness matters. On a rowing team at an East Coast college, the least influential member was the one who frequently showed up late and underperformed during practice.

Examples

• Student studies proved kindness builds influence.
• Inuit men who share food have more social clout.
• A college rower lost respect due to poor commitment.

3. Kindness and Gratitude Help Maintain Power

Once you’ve earned power, the challenge becomes keeping it. Generosity and gratitude serve as effective tools for maintaining influence while fostering stronger relationships.

In an NBA study, UC Berkeley researchers found that players who frequently supported teammates with physical gestures like high fives and chest bumps boosted morale. These acts of encouragement improved both individual and team performance.

Gratitude also strengthens social bonds and influence. A study asking participants to record daily gratitudes for nine weeks showed reduced stress and improved network standing for those who practiced it. Regularly expressing thanks promotes happiness and stronger connections.

Examples

• NBA teams with encouraging gestures performed better.
• Recording daily gratitudes reduced participants’ stress levels.
• Acknowledging others’ successes retains their loyalty.

4. Storytelling Can Heal and Build Influence

Powerful storytelling serves as a way to overcome adversity and connect with others. Sharing meaningful narratives fosters deeper empathy and collaboration.

Research into trauma survivors proved this impact. When people detailed intense emotional experiences with vivid expressions, they reported reduced stress, improved coping, and stronger interpersonal bonds. Students recounting their academic challenges saw better grades; cancer patients describing their journey showed higher T-cell counts.

Such stories go beyond healing. They inspire unity and mutual support, paving the road for individuals to uplift a group.

Examples

• Cancer patients telling rich stories improved T-cell levels.
• Students narrating stressful exams achieved better results.
• Articulating struggles deepens social trust and cooperation.

5. Power Can Distort Empathy

Power’s dark side often emerges when it diminishes a person’s ability to sympathize or connect with others. It may even isolate those at the top.

In experiments, participants were asked to remember moments of power or powerlessness while watching someone squeeze a rubber ball. Those recalling feelings of power mirrored the ball-squeeze less, showing reduced empathy. In contrast, powerless individuals mimicked the squeeze as an effort to build rapport.

Research into workplace affairs further highlights this dynamic. Higher-ranking employees were likelier to admit infidelity, suggesting that influence and status can lead people to disregard others’ emotions.

Examples

• Participants recalling power showed less empathy in studies.
• Leaders in organizations admitted to more moral indiscretions.
• Being at the top can erode connections to others’ feelings.

6. Rationalizing Bad Behavior Through Power

Powerful people often justify their immoral behavior by creating stories of exceptionalism. They may claim their success results from unique traits or hard work, even when privilege plays a significant role.

A study presented graphs of uneven income distribution in the U.S. to participants. Wealthier participants believed the top 10 percent earned their status through merit, while poorer participants attributed it to inherited opportunities like access to education.

This mindset can excuse a lack of accountability among the powerful.

Examples

• Wealthy individuals rationalized inequality as deserved achievement.
• Examples of elite privilege often go unquestioned by those benefitting from it.
• Justifying personal advantage helps people avoid feelings of guilt.

7. Stress of Powerlessness Takes a Toll

On the flip side, a lack of power can lead to chronic stress, harming both mental and physical health. Social disadvantages worsen this stress and block pathways toward empowerment.

Stress studies like the Trier Social Stress Task show that speaking in front of a judgmental audience triggers a fight-or-flight response, raising heart rates and impairing immune function. The powerless experience these stress reactions frequently.

In society, marginalized groups have fewer opportunities, harsher punishments, and more scrutiny, leading to long-term impacts on health, intelligence, and well-being.

Examples

• Judging social audiences increased stress in experiments.
• Marginalized individuals face frequent bias in housing and sentencing.
• Long-term stress harms both cognitive and physical development.

8. Economic Disparities Start Early

Power disparities often begin in childhood through unequal access to resources, impacting people’s ability to contribute later in life.

Research reveals that by age 11, children from low-income families show slower neurological development in areas connected to language and decision-making. This gap affects their future ability to learn, manage stress, and excel socially.

Without corrective measures, these disparities perpetuate cycles of disadvantage.

Examples

• Low-income children’s brain scans showed delayed stress-processing development.
• Educational inequities reinforce limits on opportunities.
• Systems of oppression widen divides between groups.

9. Power Should Be Used to Empower Others

Ultimately, the best way to wield power is responsibly—by using it to uplift and empower others. Respectful leaders can inspire collaboration, inclusiveness, and shared goals.

Dacher Keltner stresses that power isn’t an individual possession but a relationship. Sharing it generously and respecting others' achievements creates sustainable influence that benefits everyone.

Recognizing how power dynamics shape society enables us to tackle injustice and build equitable relationships.

Examples

• Leaders who acknowledge their teams inspire collective success.
• Generosity of spirit boosts long-term loyalty and influence.
• Relationship-focused power encourages fairer, positive systems.

Takeaways

1. Keep a gratitude journal to help maintain influence and lower stress.
2. Use power generously by actively encouraging and supporting others.
3. Take time to listen and learn from others’ experiences to build strong, healthy relationships.