Transitions

Change is inevitable, but transition is a choice—one that shapes how we grow, adapt, and embrace what’s next.

1. Understanding the Difference Between Change and Transition

Change is an external event—it can be a new job, a breakup, or moving to another city. Transition, however, is the internal process we go through to adjust to that change. While change happens quickly, transition takes time and effort. It involves a psychological journey of letting go, adapting, and starting anew.

For example, if you lose a job, the change is the end of employment. The transition process involves managing emotions like grief, redefining your identity without that job, and seeking new opportunities. People who overlook the transitional process often feel stuck or struggle to move forward effectively.

Knowing this difference can deepen self-awareness. Change is unpreventable, but transitioning well means adjusting to it thoughtfully. It allows us to handle disruptions more healthfully and seize the growth opportunities they offer.

Examples

• Losing a loved one is a change, but finding a new sense of purpose in their memory is the transition.
• Starting college is a change; adjusting to independence and new social circles is the transition.
• Retiring brings change, but transitioning involves redefining purpose without daily work routines.

2. Every Transition Starts with an Ending

Transitions begin when something in life ends, whether it's a job, a relationship, or even a way of thinking. This ending often requires recognizing and letting go of what's been lost before moving forward. Yet many people struggle to fully acknowledge endings, opting instead to sweep them aside or cling to the past.

The book emphasizes the importance of actively engaging with the emotions tied to these endings, even when they’re painful. A breakup, for instance, isn’t only about losing a partner—it’s about losing the future you envisioned together. Similarly, leaving a city means grieving a sense of familiarity and belonging.

Recognizing and processing these losses—be it sadness, anger, or even relief—is a necessary first step. Without it, the emotional baggage seeps into the next chapters of life, undermining growth.

Examples

• A mother cherishing her new baby may still grieve the loss of personal time and freedom.
• Moving from one home to another may bring excitement but also a sense of homesickness for what is left behind.
• Leaving a toxic friendship might bring relief but also nostalgia for better times together.

3. The Importance of Rituals in Letting Go

Many cultures use rituals to formally mark endings and transitions. These rituals create a sense of closure, helping individuals reflect on what’s passed and prepare emotionally for what’s next. In modern life, however, we often lack such structured practices for personal change.

The absence of closure can make it harder to disentangle from the past. Instituting personal traditions, like journaling about your thoughts, organizing a small farewell gathering, or even symbolically discarding an item tied to an old phase, can foster emotional resolution. Building these rituals may not erase pain, but they help process it.

Without rituals, transitions can feel messy and unfinished. Implementing even small intentional acts can help honor the past and clear space for the future.

Examples

• Ceremonial burning of old letters after a breakup to signify letting go.
• Creating a photo album when moving away to commemorate the past.
• Writing a gratitude list about your last job to release resentment and remember its positives.

4. The Neutral Zone: Embracing the In-Between Phase

Between endings and new beginnings lies a liminal space—the neutral zone. It’s often a time of discomfort, where you may feel aimless, stuck, or unproductive. Yet, this “in-between” phase allows for reflection, repair, and discovery.

The neutral zone is like winter before spring; things may seem dormant, but beneath the surface, growth is happening. Using this time to meditate, dream, and simply “be” helps realignment with your inner self. Activities like walking in nature or journaling allow space to explore your true desires without external pressures.

Rushing through this phase can compromise personal growth. Instead, viewing it as a retreat, rather than a pause, lets you enter your new beginning with clarity and purpose.

Examples

• After a divorce, taking time alone rather than jumping into a new relationship too quickly leads to healthier decisions.
• A gap year after school may feel like aimless downtime, yet it helps clarify goals before settling on a career path.
• In long creative projects, time spent daydreaming often leads to breakthroughs.

5. Letting Go of Old Identities

When going through transitions, you often have to dismantle or redefine parts of your identity. This can feel destabilizing—losing a role, like being a spouse or employee, brings uncertainty about who you are without it. This work, though challenging, allows for new growth.

Disidentification is the step where you ask, “Who am I outside of this role?” By letting go of attached identities, you can step into new ways of being. It’s key to see these transitions positively and not as a loss of self, but a redirection.

One way to approach this is through redefining your narrative. Rather than being “Bob’s ex-wife,” you become “Jane—writer, mother, traveler.”

Examples

• A parent whose children go to college shifts focus from “caregiver” to “fulfilled individual.”
• After retiring, someone formerly identified as a “workaholic” now defines themselves within hobbies or volunteering.
• A creative person dissatisfied with a corporate job starts identifying as an artist.

6. Disorientation is Part of the Process

Feeling lost during change isn’t a failure. The state of disorientation that often follows endings is actually necessary for understanding and deep reflection. It’s during these moments that life feels most “off-course” that major breakthroughs can occur.

Allowing yourself to sit with this uncomfortable feeling, rather than rushing to “fix” it, creates an internal space for healing. It’s like rearranging a room—there’s clutter before order. Your emotions might include fear, sadness, or simply not knowing what’s next. It’s okay.

This sense of temporary disarray often generates clarity over time as you discover new values or directions.

Examples

• Feeling aimless after a layoff but eventually finding deeper career aspirations.
• Moving to a new city and feeling isolated leads to discovering new social opportunities.
• A creative slump eventually turns into a burst of innovative ideas.

7. Recognizing the Subtle Stirring of Beginnings

Beginnings may not hit you with fanfare but often show up as quiet inklings—small ideas, persistent feelings, or unexpected opportunities. They slowly unfold, revealing pathways forward when you’re attuned to them.

The book illustrates how “chance” moments, like an encounter with a stranger or picking up a certain book, often open doors to transformation. Staying receptive and open helps recognize and act on these signs.

Remember, beginnings are as much about inner realignment as external opportunities. Believe in what feels right to you, not just what seems logical.

Examples

• Discovering a new hobby because a friend invited you to a random event.
• Stumbling upon a book that shifts your life perspective.
• Receiving unplanned encouragement for a risky but exciting project.

8. Build on Internal Motivation, Not External Changes

Even if external changes (like a new job) take place, without inner readiness, they hold little meaning. Internal motivation drives real transitions. When you align internally, external obstacles seem more surmountable.

Inner readiness shapes how you respond to external circumstances. For example, leaving a toxic relationship only leads to growth if you’re emotionally prepared to stay out of similar patterns. External goals must integrate with internal values.

Spending time processing rather than rushing helps align true needs, making external change more sustainable.

Examples

• Returning to school and succeeding due to internal ambition, not peer pressure.
• Relocating and thriving because you were mentally ready for independence.
• Starting therapy to heal emotional patterns before re-entering relationships.

9. Hold Onto Your Core Self Through Change

Amid transitions, keep in touch with your authenticity. Change shifts the outer layers; your essence remains consistent. Recognizing this provides stability even in chaotic times.

Stay in tune with what centers you—whether through hobbies, values, or supportive relationships. Transition is about rediscovering yourself, not changing who you fundamentally are.

Holding this internal anchor allows smoother navigation into new horizons, whatever they may be.

Examples

• Changing industries but staying committed to core values like creativity or empathy.
• Starting a new family but maintaining roots in lifelong passions.
• Adapting to retirement while continuing long-held traditions or beliefs.

Takeaways

1. Embrace endings by creating rituals that allow you to let go and reflect on the past.
2. Use the neutral zone for solitude and quiet exploration—don’t rush the downtime.
3. Tune into internal nudges and act on small opportunities as new beginnings emerge.