Urban Tantra

What if a simple shift in presence and intention could transform your sex life into a profound and spiritual experience? Tantra teaches that it can be as simple as that.

1. Tantra is accessible to everyone, anywhere.

Tantra is not exclusive to serene retreats or specific cultural groups. Barbara Carrellas redefines it as "Urban Tantra," which can be practiced anywhere—even in environments like a New York strip club. During one memorable experience as a lap dancer, Barbara discovered an instant yet profound connection with her partner that transcended the physical space.

The origins of Tantra date back thousands of years, possibly as early as 5,000 years ago, making it one of the oldest spiritual practices. It was traditionally practiced in India and has been passed on through secrecy, with many original teachings and documents now lost. Despite its historical roots, the modern form of Tantra is highly versatile and adaptable, focusing on being present and connecting deeply to one’s body and energy.

Barbara's approach to Urban Tantra removes rigid rules or limitations. Whether in a busy metropolis or a quiet corner of your home, anyone can access its transformative benefits. It’s about connection—not the scenery or setting.

Examples

• A profound connection formed during a casual lap dance.
• Practicing Tantra in a clutter-free room instead of an elaborate forest retreat.
• Emphasizing individual adaptation over rigid cultural traditions.

2. Presence is the foundation of Tantric practice.

Think of the last time your mind wandered during an intimate moment—perhaps to work emails or daily to-dos. Tantra teaches that true sexual energy and fulfillment arise by staying utterly present.

Being conscious and engaged allows you to feel your own body’s reactions and connect deeply with a partner. Tantra also encourages letting go of preconceived ideas about how sex "should" be. The author emphasized how her mindset initially obstructed her enjoyment of Tantra, associating it with strict, church-like rituals until she allowed herself to explore freely.

Presence means releasing expectations. If you’re thinking about achieving a specific type of orgasm, you’re not genuinely there in the moment. Paradoxically, by surrendering those thoughts, you may discover sensations far more intense than planned.

Examples

• A mental association with past experiences initially dulled enjoyment of Tantra.
• Visualizing sexual energy during intimacy heightened intensity without changing actions.
• Letting go of goals or expectations allowed for spontaneity and deeper connection.

3. Breathing and movement unlock the body’s erotic energy.

How you breathe directly affects your emotions and physical sensations. Deep and intentional breathing can calm your thoughts, energize your body, and make you more present.

Barbara highlights active meditations as an alternative entry point to connect with your energy. These meditations invite silliness and play. For instance, the Exhilaration Meditation uses dancing and gibberish to lighten tension, while the Catharsis Meditation incorporates releasing emotions through tantrums or laughter. This physicality clears pent-up feelings, creating space for sexual energy.

Dance is another key tool. Let yourself feel the rhythm of sexy music, doing simple movements like hip circles or body waves. These actions wake you up to your body’s capabilities and help you explore your sensual potential. Through breath and movement, erotic vitality becomes a natural and flowing part of your being.

Examples

• Controlled breath exercises help settle the mind and focus on the present.
• Active meditations like shaking and dancing release emotional and physical tensions.
• Practicing rhythmic body movements during dance awakens hidden sensuality.

4. Orgasms come in many forms—expand your definition.

Orgasms are more than a peak release from genital stimulation. Tantra invites you to rethink the definition of orgasms as a flow of energy and emotional surrender rather than a purely physical climax.

Barbara explains her own experiences with "energygasms," like laughing uncontrollably or crying deeply, which felt as cathartic as traditional orgasms. She shares techniques such as deep breathing or the Clench and Hold exercise to bring different dimensions of release into your practice. These methods allow for blissful bodily sensations, emotional clarity, or even spiritual insights.

This expanded understanding of orgasms lets us look beyond Hollywood-style sexual peaks and uncover personal pathways to fulfillment. It transforms intimate moments into energy work that spans emotional and physical aspects of life.

Examples

• Mimicking pleasure sounds brought an ecstatic "blissgasm."
• Intense laughter or tears provided the same emotional release as traditional orgasms.
• The Clench and Hold meditation heightened sensations by awakening the entire body.

5. Self-love is the essential starting point.

Tantra doesn’t require a partner—start by building intimacy with yourself. This practice isn’t selfish; it’s foundational. When you learn to explore your own body and desires, you become better equipped to connect authentically with others.

Barbara suggests creating a personal ritual—like looking into a mirror and speaking affirmations about forgiveness or admiration. Take yourself out on sensual "dates" to awaken your senses. These might include dining on delicious food, attending a sensual performance, or dressing in garments that make you feel beautiful.

Solo Tantra is also an opportunity to experiment. You can try new personas, tools, or practices without the pressure of explaining them to a partner. Building this relationship with yourself strengthens your confidence and emotional well-being.

Examples

• Mirror affirmations encouraged deep self-acceptance.
• A sensual "solo date" included gourmet food and a luxurious bubble bath.
• Solo experiments like erotic massage or costumes expanded personal pleasure.

6. Ritual preparation creates magic in Tantra.

Transitioning from daily life into a Tantric ritual is like preparing for the theater. Properly setting the stage elevates and transforms the experience into something sacred.

Barbara encourages keeping your designated space tidy and stress-free. You don’t need elaborate props—domestic items like candles or scarves can set a sensual mood. Beyond the physical environment, use rituals to mentally transition. This might include changing into sensual clothing, meditating, or releasing stress physically, such as yelling into a pillow.

This preparation creates anticipation and enables you to enter fully into the space with your partner, leaving distractions behind. Thoughtful details can make even small rituals transformative.

Examples

• Decorating the space with a favorite candle and relaxing music.
• Using zucchini or clothespins as creative DIY sex toys.
• Changing into lingerie to feel more playful and sensual.

7. Tantric rituals deepen partner connection.

Tantra encourages complete focus on your partner, not just their body but their energy and emotions. Tuning into each other through touch and breathing fosters deeper intimacy.

Begin with simple exercises such as synced breathing or gentle, intentional strokes from head to toe. Positions like sitting facing each other allow for connection without verbal communication. Alternate physical sensations—light teasing alongside firmer, longer touches.

The emphasis isn’t on achieving orgasm. It’s about staying present, exploring energy, and heightening awareness of your partner through every shared moment in the ritual.

Examples

• Face-to-face positions foster closeness and mutual presence.
• Alternating slow, gentle strokes with faster, intense sensations increases sensitivity.
• Practicing synchronized breathing fosters a feeling of unity.

8. Erotic massages combine relaxation and arousal.

Tantric erotic massages are a mindful way to awaken energy in your partner's body. By starting with light strokes of feathers or scarves and gradually building intensity, you create a slow, sensual experience.

Barbara emphasizes including the whole body in the massage, not just the sexual organs. The "Resilient Edge of Resistance" is key—apply enough pressure to stimulate pleasure without overwhelming your partner. Genital stimulation comes last and should mix techniques like stroking or small pinching.

This approach allows sexual energy to ebb and flow without rushing toward climax, giving more meaningful and prolonged satisfaction.

Examples

• Warm oil massage increases relaxation and sensory pleasure.
• Feather-light strokes wake up the skin to new sensations.
• Building intensity slowly fosters waves of erotic energy across the body.

9. Tantra embraces experimentation and inclusivity.

Tantra isn't confined by stereotypes. It encourages exploring unconventional practices like BDSM or group interplay as long as there’s communication, consent, and mutual understanding.

Barbara recounts participating in a joyful, inclusive Tantric sex party where friends connected to shared energy, breaking taboos and discovering new depths of intimacy. Tantra thrives in diversity—apply its principles of mindfulness to personal preferences, whether soft and delicate or adventurous and daring.

By removing limitations and embracing individuality, Tantra creates room for deeper self-expression and emotional fulfillment.

Examples

• Negotiated BDSM scenes blend discipline and sensuality.
• Group Tantra sessions bring unique dynamics and shared energies.
• Practicing Tantra with partners across orientations expands experiences.

Takeaways

1. Dedicate 20 minutes daily to practices like breathing or meditation to activate your erotic energy.
2. Transform your space, even minimally, to create the right mood for exploration.
3. Treat self-love rituals like sacred dates to strengthen your relationship with yourself.