Introduction
"Worthy of Her Trust" by Jason B. Martinkus is a powerful and personal account of how to rebuild trust in a marriage after infidelity. Martinkus draws from his own experiences as a recovering sex addict who nearly destroyed his marriage through pornography addiction and multiple affairs. The book offers hope and practical guidance for couples struggling to overcome betrayal and restore their relationship.
Martinkus shares his journey from addiction to recovery, detailing how he and his wife Shelley worked through the pain of his infidelity to eventually heal their marriage. He provides insights into the mindset of an addict, the impact of betrayal on a spouse, and the challenging path toward rebuilding trust and intimacy.
The book is divided into three main sections:
- Debunking common myths about rebuilding trust
- Essential truths for restoring trust
- Practical steps for healing and moving forward
Through vulnerability, honesty, and hard-earned wisdom, Martinkus offers a roadmap for those seeking to repair broken trust and create a stronger, more authentic relationship.
Part 1: Eight Myths About Rebuilding Trust
Martinkus begins by addressing eight common misconceptions about rebuilding trust after infidelity. Understanding these myths is crucial for setting realistic expectations and avoiding pitfalls in the recovery process.
Myth #1: Time heals all wounds
Many people believe that simply waiting long enough will automatically restore trust and heal the pain of betrayal. However, Martinkus argues that time alone does not heal wounds or rebuild trust. While memories may fade over time, the hurt associated with betrayal can easily be triggered, bringing the pain back in full force.
Instead of relying on time, Martinkus suggests viewing each day as a new opportunity to actively foster trust. By consistently making choices that demonstrate trustworthiness, you can gradually rebuild the foundation of your relationship and promote true healing.
Myth #2: Stopping the harmful behavior is enough
While ceasing the behavior that caused the betrayal (such as viewing pornography or having an affair) is essential, it's not sufficient on its own to rebuild trust. Martinkus emphasizes the need for actively healthy behavior that leads to redemption.
This means going above and beyond to demonstrate love, commitment, and trustworthiness. For example, showering your spouse with genuine compliments, engaging more deeply in the relationship, openly discussing feelings, and taking responsibility for shared tasks like budgeting. The goal is to create an abundance of positive actions that outweigh the negative impact of past betrayals.
Myth #3: Trust is restored when the betrayed spouse becomes less controlling
After infidelity, it's common for the betrayed spouse to become more controlling as a way to cope with their fear and insecurity. This might involve checking phones, emails, or even tracking movements. While this behavior may seem excessive, Martinkus argues that it's often appropriate given the circumstances.
The betrayed spouse's need for control typically diminishes as trust is genuinely rebuilt over time. However, expecting them to relinquish control prematurely can hinder the healing process. The focus should be on consistently demonstrating trustworthiness rather than pushing for less oversight.
Myth #4: Infidelity means the unfaithful partner doesn't love their spouse
Martinkus challenges the notion that infidelity always stems from a lack of love. In reality, it's rare for affairs to result from falling out of love with a spouse. More often, claiming a lack of love is an easier explanation than confronting the true, destructive nature of the betrayal.
The author argues that authentic change comes through a deep spiritual transformation and recognition of one's brokenness. The pain of remaining in destructive patterns must become greater than the pain of change. Love is rarely the root issue in cases of infidelity.
Myth #5: More or better sex will prevent future infidelity
Contrary to popular belief, increasing the frequency or excitement of sex within the marriage is unlikely to resolve issues of infidelity. In fact, Martinkus warns that this approach can make matters worse by objectifying the spouse and turning them into a "personal prostitute."
This mindset fails to address the underlying issues driving the unfaithful behavior and can prolong the healing process. True recovery requires addressing the root causes of the addiction or infidelity, not simply trying to satisfy sexual desires within the marriage.
Myth #6: Prayer alone rebuilds trust
While prayer is undoubtedly important in the healing process, Martinkus emphasizes that it must be coupled with concrete action to rebuild trust. Prayer can provide strength, guidance, and spiritual healing, but it's not a substitute for the hard work of changing behaviors and consistently demonstrating trustworthiness.
The author encourages readers to pray for redemption, healing, and forgiveness while also developing and following through on a specific plan to rebuild trust through their actions.
Myth #7: Forgiveness automatically rebuilds trust
Forgiveness is a crucial step in the healing process, but it doesn't automatically restore trust. Martinkus points out that viewing forgiveness as the end goal can be a lazy and selfish approach for the unfaithful partner.
Instead, the focus should be on becoming worthy of forgiveness and trust. This involves cultivating humility, empathy, and gentleness. The unfaithful partner should strive to make the healing journey easier for their spouse by consistently demonstrating changed behavior and understanding the depth of pain they've caused.
Myth #8: God will miraculously deliver you from sexual addiction
While divine intervention is possible, Martinkus cautions against relying solely on the idea that God will instantly remove sexual addiction or the temptation to be unfaithful. He likens sexual addiction more to a food addiction than substance abuse, where complete abstinence isn't the goal.
Instead, the focus should be on stopping the abusive or unfaithful behavior while learning to engage in healthy, God-honoring sexuality within the marriage. Recovery typically involves a combination of spiritual growth, counseling, accountability, and consistent effort to change ingrained patterns of behavior.
By dispelling these myths, Martinkus helps readers set realistic expectations for the trust-rebuilding process and avoid common pitfalls that can hinder healing.
Part 2: Nine Nonnegotiable Truths for Rebuilding Trust
After addressing common myths, Martinkus outlines nine essential truths that are crucial for successfully rebuilding trust in a relationship damaged by infidelity or addiction.
Truth #1: Commit spiritually
Martinkus emphasizes the importance of deepening one's spiritual life as a foundation for change. He argues that pursuing a genuine relationship with God is incompatible with acting out sexually or being unfaithful. By redirecting energy toward spiritual growth, the unfaithful partner demonstrates a commitment to lasting change.
Practical steps include:
- Regular Bible study and prayer
- Reading spiritual growth books
- Attending church or support groups
- Sharing spiritual insights with your spouse
Truth #2: Be radically honest
Honesty becomes paramount in rebuilding trust. Martinkus encourages adopting the mindset of "I'd rather lose you than lie to you." This means being truthful about everything, even small matters that might seem insignificant.
The author warns against white lies or omissions, as they can erode trust just as much as big lies. He also advocates for active truth-telling, where the unfaithful partner volunteers information rather than waiting to be asked.
Truth #3: Practice transparency, not translucency
Building on honesty, Martinkus stresses the need for complete transparency in all areas of life. This means giving the betrayed spouse full access to information, accounts, and schedules. Vagueness or partial disclosure only breeds suspicion and hinders trust-building.
The author acknowledges that this level of openness can feel uncomfortable, but it's necessary to rebuild trust. He encourages readers to view transparency as an opportunity to prove their trustworthiness and commitment to change.
Truth #4: Work toward true intimacy
Martinkus expands the definition of intimacy beyond just physical closeness or sex. He describes true intimacy as "a state of honesty, openness, vulnerability, transparency, and authenticity with oneself, God, and/or another person."
Cultivating this deeper form of intimacy involves:
- Sharing thoughts, feelings, and struggles openly
- Being vulnerable about weaknesses and fears
- Actively listening and empathizing with your spouse
- Creating emotional safety through consistency and reliability
Truth #5: Become accountable
Accountability is crucial for maintaining changed behavior and rebuilding trust. Martinkus recommends finding at least three trustworthy men to serve as accountability partners. These should be individuals whose lives and values align with the goals of recovery and faithfulness.
Regular accountability meetings provide support, encouragement, and a system of checks to prevent relapse. Knowing that her husband is accountable to others can also help the betrayed spouse feel more secure in the recovery process.
Truth #6: Provide complete access
To rebuild trust, the unfaithful partner must be willing to give up privacy in all areas of life. This includes providing full access to:
- Technology (phones, computers, tablets)
- Financial accounts
- Email and social media
- Physical spaces (office, car, gym locker)
While this may feel invasive, Martinkus argues that it's necessary to prove that there's nothing to hide. Over time, as trust is rebuilt, some privacy may be restored, but initially, complete openness is crucial.
Truth #7: Set clear boundaries at work
If the infidelity involved a work colleague or if the workplace presents temptations, establishing clear boundaries is essential. Martinkus provides specific guidelines:
- Avoid physical touch beyond handshakes
- Don't be alone with colleagues of the opposite sex
- Limit work-related social events
- Be transparent about work interactions and relationships
In some cases, changing jobs may be necessary if maintaining appropriate boundaries is impossible in the current work environment.
Truth #8: Seek restitution
Rebuilding trust requires more than just stopping harmful behavior; it involves actively making amends for the damage caused. Martinkus introduces the concept of restitution, which means finding ways to compensate for the injury inflicted on the relationship.
This might involve:
- Giving up certain freedoms or privileges
- Taking on additional responsibilities
- Patiently enduring the betrayed spouse's questions, emotions, and skepticism
- Seeking professional help or counseling at your own expense
The goal is to demonstrate a willingness to bear the cost of rebuilding what was broken through betrayal.
Truth #9: Keep your word consistently
After breaking trust, words carry little weight. Martinkus emphasizes the importance of consistently following through on commitments, no matter how small. This means:
- Only making promises you're certain you can keep
- Being realistic about time commitments and schedules
- Communicating clearly if plans need to change
- Prioritizing commitments to your spouse above other obligations
By consistently keeping your word in small matters, you gradually rebuild credibility and trustworthiness in the relationship.
Martinkus concludes this section by stressing the importance of humility throughout the trust-rebuilding process. He cautions against pride or boasting about progress, encouraging readers to let their changed actions speak louder than words.
Part 3: Seven Steps to Mending Wounds
In the final section of the book, Martinkus provides a practical framework for addressing past hurts and moving forward in the healing process. He outlines seven steps that unfaithful partners should work through before approaching their spouse for deeper conversations about healing.
Step 1: Identify present events that connect to past pains
The first step involves recognizing "touch points" – current situations or actions that may trigger memories of past betrayals. These could be seemingly innocent things like:
- Driving past a location associated with the affair
- Receiving work calls after hours
- Buying flowers (if this was previously done out of guilt)
Identifying these touch points helps both partners understand potential triggers and work through them together.
Step 2: Recall the specific past event
Rather than avoiding painful memories, Martinkus encourages facing them directly. This step involves clearly recalling and articulating the details of past betrayals or hurtful actions. The goal is not to dwell on the pain, but to bring it into the open so it can be addressed and healed.
For example, you might recall: "I purchased flowers to alleviate my guilt after engaging in inappropriate online conversations with another woman."
Step 3: Examine your motivations
This step requires honest self-reflection to understand the underlying reasons for past behaviors. Martinkus urges readers to go beyond surface-level explanations and dig deeper into their thoughts, feelings, and motivations at the time.
Questions to consider:
- What needs were you trying to meet through the betrayal?
- How were you feeling about yourself and your relationship?
- What rationalizations did you use to justify your actions?
Step 4: Empathize with your spouse's feelings
Putting yourself in your spouse's shoes is crucial for developing true empathy and understanding the impact of your actions. Martinkus encourages readers to imagine how their spouse felt during and after the betrayal, considering both immediate and long-term effects.
This might involve recognizing feelings of:
- Betrayal and violation of trust
- Inadequacy or self-doubt
- Fear and insecurity about the future
- Anger and resentment
Step 5: Acknowledge your feelings about their pain
Building on the previous step, this involves honestly examining your own emotional response to your spouse's pain. Martinkus warns against self-pity or defensiveness, instead encouraging genuine remorse and a desire to make amends.
Reflect on questions like:
- How does it make you feel to know you caused this pain?
- What do you wish you could change about your past actions?
- How has seeing their pain impacted your commitment to change?
Step 6: Envision positive emotions for your spouse
This step involves identifying the positive emotions you want your spouse to experience in the future. Rather than a generic list, Martinkus encourages thoughtful consideration of why these emotions are important and how you can help cultivate them.
For example, you might want your spouse to feel:
- Loved and cherished
- Secure and confident in the relationship
- Respected and valued
- Able to trust without constant fear
Step 7: Create a vision for your future together
The final step involves developing a compelling, positive vision for your relationship's future. Similar to how a business leader might create a vision for a company, Martinkus encourages readers to paint a picture of what a healed, thriving relationship could look like.
This vision should include:
- Specific goals for personal and relational growth
- Practical steps to achieve those goals
- A commitment to ongoing effort and improvement
While your spouse may not immediately buy into this vision, it provides hope and direction for the healing process.
Martinkus emphasizes that these seven steps may need to be repeated multiple times for the same issue. Each time you work through them, the pain should diminish slightly, and you'll build deeper intimacy and understanding with your spouse.
Conclusion: A Lifelong Journey of Trust-Building
In concluding "Worthy of Her Trust," Martinkus reminds readers that rebuilding trust is not a one-time event but a lifelong journey. The process requires consistent effort, humility, and a commitment to personal growth and relational health.
Key takeaways from the book include:
Understand and avoid common myths about trust-building that can derail the healing process.
Embrace essential truths for restoring trust, including spiritual commitment, radical honesty, transparency, accountability, and consistent follow-through.
Use the seven-step process to address past hurts, develop empathy, and create a positive vision for the future of your relationship.
Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time and patience. There may be setbacks along the way, but consistent effort will yield results.
Seek support through counseling, accountability partners, and spiritual resources to maintain progress and overcome challenges.
Focus on becoming a person worthy of trust rather than simply trying to regain your spouse's confidence. This involves deep personal transformation and a commitment to living with integrity in all areas of life.
Cultivate humility and gratitude throughout the process, recognizing the gift of a second chance and the opportunity for a stronger, more authentic relationship.
Martinkus offers hope to couples struggling in the aftermath of betrayal, showing that healing and restoration are possible with dedicated effort and a willingness to change. While the road to rebuilding trust is challenging, the author's personal story and practical guidance demonstrate that marriages can not only survive infidelity but ultimately thrive as both partners commit to growth, honesty, and deeper intimacy.
By following the principles and practices outlined in "Worthy of Her Trust," individuals who have broken trust can work towards redemption and the restoration of their relationships. The book serves as both a warning about the devastating consequences of infidelity and a roadmap for those seeking to rebuild what was lost through betrayal.
Ultimately, Martinkus challenges readers to view trust-building not as a burden, but as an opportunity for personal and relational transformation. By consistently choosing to be trustworthy and prioritizing the health of their marriage, individuals can become worthy of their spouse's trust once more and create a relationship founded on authenticity, vulnerability, and enduring love.