In her book "Your Turn," Julie Lythcott-Haims offers a fresh and empowering approach to adulthood for a new generation. Moving beyond traditional markers of adulthood, she presents a more nuanced and personal view of what it means to be an adult in the 21st century.
Introduction
For decades, society has defined adulthood through five key milestones: finishing education, getting a job, leaving home, marrying, and having children. However, in today's rapidly changing world, these markers often feel outdated or unattainable for many young adults. This has led to widespread anxiety and a sense of inadequacy among those who don't fit this prescribed mold.
Lythcott-Haims challenges these conventional notions and offers a more flexible and authentic approach to adulthood. Drawing from psychological insights, personal experiences, and practical strategies, she guides readers towards a fulfilling adulthood that aligns with their individual values and aspirations.
Embracing Self-Reliance
One of the core themes of "Your Turn" is the importance of fending for yourself. Lythcott-Haims argues that true adulthood begins when you start taking responsibility for your own life and decisions.
The Moment of Realization
The author shares a personal anecdote about the moment she truly felt like an adult. It wasn't at her wedding or when she passed the bar exam, but when all her belongings were destroyed in a fire during a move. In that moment, she realized she couldn't rely on anyone else to handle the situation – she had to step up and deal with it herself.
This experience highlights a crucial aspect of adulthood: the ability to face life's challenges head-on, without expecting others to solve your problems for you.
Playing the Game of Life
Lythcott-Haims likens adulthood to playing a game rather than watching from the sidelines. This means:
- Learning basic life skills (cooking, hygiene, scheduling appointments)
- Finding work to pay bills
- Making your own decisions
- Being reliable (replying to messages, showing up on time)
She emphasizes that fending for yourself doesn't mean having all the answers. Instead, it's about using your available resources and capabilities to create solutions and move forward.
Embracing Imperfection and Growth
A significant barrier to authentic adulthood is the pursuit of perfection. Lythcott-Haims encourages readers to break up with the idea of being perfect and instead focus on learning and growth.
The Beautiful F's
The author introduces the concept of the "Beautiful F's": failing, falling, faltering, flailing, floundering, and fumbling. She argues that these experiences, often seen as negative, are actually valuable opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
By reframing failure as feedback, we can use these experiences to learn, adapt, and move out of our comfort zones into our "stretch zones" where real growth occurs.
Cultivating a Growth Mindset
To foster a growth mindset, Lythcott-Haims suggests five mental shifts:
- Replace "I'm perfect" with "I'm trying to get better at this"
- Change "I'm smart" to "When I work hard at things, it pays off"
- Swap "This is hard" for "I do hard things"
- Instead of "I can't," say "I can take the first step and see what happens"
- Replace "I suck" with "I haven't learned how to do this yet"
These simple changes in self-talk can have a profound impact on how we approach challenges and personal growth.
Balancing Goodness and Personal Happiness
Being a good person is an important aspect of adulthood, but Lythcott-Haims warns against letting this desire overshadow personal happiness and authenticity.
The Importance of Being Good
The author emphasizes that being good involves:
- Recognizing that the world doesn't revolve around you
- Being willing to help others
- Showing compassion
- Being truthful
- Apologizing when you make mistakes
These qualities contribute to positive relationships and a sense of community.
Finding Your Own Path
However, Lythcott-Haims cautions against pleasing others at the expense of your own well-being. She shares her personal experience of realizing at 27 that she was unhappy as a corporate lawyer, despite meeting others' expectations of success.
To find your own path, the author suggests three steps:
- Listen to your inner voice: Identify your strengths, values, and interests
- Stop judging your voice: Accept your feelings and desires as valid
- Follow the direction your voice is pointing: Take action towards your goals
She recommends conducting informational interviews with people in fields you're interested in to gain insights and motivation.
Taking Action and Building Momentum
A key message in "Your Turn" is that adulthood is an action that creates its own momentum. Lythcott-Haims encourages readers to start embracing adulthood now, rather than waiting until they feel "ready" or "capable."
Getting Out of Neutral
The author warns against the trap of "keeping your options open," which often leads to indecision and stagnation. Instead, she advocates for intentional living and focused attention.
Using the metaphor of a flashlight beam, Lythcott-Haims explains how our intentions shape our awareness and outcomes. By focusing on positive goals rather than fears of failure, we can illuminate paths to success and achievement.
Overcoming Inertia
To get unstuck, the author suggests:
- Being curious about what's keeping you in place
- Spending time alone to hear your own thoughts
- Embracing discomfort as a sign of growth
- Taking any new action to gain new experiences and insights
The key is to start moving, even if you're not sure of the final destination. Each step forward provides new information and opportunities for growth.
Financial Literacy and Planning
Understanding and managing money is a crucial aspect of adulthood that Lythcott-Haims addresses in detail.
The Marshmallow Principle
The author references the famous "marshmallow experiment" to illustrate the importance of delayed gratification in financial success. Just as children who could resist eating one marshmallow to get two later showed better life outcomes, adults who can save and invest wisely reap greater financial rewards in the long run.
Basic Financial Principles
Lythcott-Haims outlines several key financial principles:
- Spend no more than a third of your gross monthly income on housing
- Pay off credit card balances in full each month
- Pay yourself first by prioritizing savings
- Set up a Roth IRA for long-term investing
The Power of Compound Interest
Using clear examples, the author demonstrates how even small, consistent investments can grow significantly over time due to compound interest. She encourages readers to start saving and investing as early as possible to maximize these benefits.
Physical and Mental Well-being
Lythcott-Haims emphasizes the importance of taking care of both body and mind to fully enjoy and navigate adulthood.
Self-Care Basics
The author recommends several fundamental self-care practices:
- Getting adequate sleep
- Staying hydrated
- Regular physical activity
- Eating a healthy diet
Emotional and Mental Health
Beyond physical health, Lythcott-Haims addresses emotional and mental well-being:
- Releasing anger and grudges
- Forgiving others (and yourself)
- Setting healthy boundaries with loved ones
- Cultivating human connections
- Embracing laughter and physical affection
She also acknowledges the value of professional help, such as therapy or psychiatry, for dealing with deeper issues.
Building Resilience
Lythcott-Haims recognizes that adulthood inevitably involves facing difficult times. She offers strategies for developing resilience to navigate these challenges.
Coping with Adversity
When facing tough situations, the author suggests:
- Looking for helpers and support systems
- Reflecting on how you've overcome past difficulties
- Remembering that feelings and circumstances change over time
Making Meaning
Resilience, according to Lythcott-Haims, involves "making meaning" out of difficult experiences. This could involve:
- Using your experiences to help others facing similar challenges
- Engaging in activities that make the world a better place
- Becoming more politically aware and active
By finding purpose in adversity, we can grow stronger and more resilient.
Cultivating Mindfulness, Kindness, and Gratitude
In the final sections of "Your Turn," Lythcott-Haims explores how cultivating certain qualities can bring greater meaning and fulfillment to adult life.
Practicing Mindfulness
The author describes mindfulness as a way to tune into yourself and respond deliberately rather than react reflexively. She suggests:
- Regular quiet sitting and body scanning
- Observing and naming thoughts without judgment
- Keeping a mindfulness journal
- Gradually extending mindfulness practice into daily life
The Power of Kindness
Lythcott-Haims emphasizes the ripple effect of kindness, explaining how small acts can have far-reaching impacts. She encourages readers to:
- Ask others how you can make their day better
- Help strangers when possible
- Be an ally to those struggling
- Discern when to offer solutions versus simply listening
Cultivating Gratitude
The author highlights research showing that focusing on gratitude amplifies positive aspects of life. She recommends:
- Keeping a gratitude journal
- Expressing specific appreciation to loved ones
- Finding gratitude even in challenging situations or disagreements
Conclusion: Embracing Your Turn
Lythcott-Haims concludes by acknowledging that adulthood can be challenging, especially in the face of global events like the recent pandemic. However, she reminds readers that humans have faced and overcome numerous challenges throughout history.
The author encourages readers to view adulthood as their "turn" to navigate life's journey, armed with the tools and insights she's provided. She emphasizes that authentic adulthood is less about meeting societal standards and more about experiencing life on your own terms.
By knowing yourself, treating yourself well, and developing practical and emotional skills, you can not only face life's challenges but also design a future you're excited to be part of. Lythcott-Haims leaves readers with a final piece of advice: to spread joy and kindness by occasionally acting as an "elf," performing small, magical acts of kindness for others.
In essence, "Your Turn" presents a holistic and empowering approach to adulthood, encouraging readers to embrace imperfection, cultivate resilience, and find meaning in their unique journeys. It's a guidebook for those seeking to navigate the complexities of modern adulthood with authenticity, purpose, and joy.