In her book "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do," Amy Morin, a foster mother and family therapy expert, provides valuable insights into raising mentally strong children. Drawing from both research and personal experience, Morin argues that parents need to work on their own behaviors to foster emotional and behavioral development in their children. This book offers practical advice on what habits to avoid and what to do instead to raise self-reliant, responsible, and happy adults.
Introduction
Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences in life. While there's no shortage of parenting advice available, Morin's approach focuses on what not to do. She emphasizes that it's just as important to avoid unhealthy habits as it is to cultivate positive ones. The book's central premise is that by strengthening their own mental fortitude, parents can better equip their children to face life's challenges.
Key Ideas
1. Promoting Responsibility and Perseverance
Mentally strong parents refuse to encourage a victim mentality in their children. Instead, they focus on empowering their kids to handle life's challenges. This approach is crucial in developing resilience and self-reliance.
For example, consider the case of Cody, a 14-year-old with ADHD. When his grades didn't improve after starting medication, his parents initially demanded that he be given less work than his peers. This response reinforced Cody's belief that he was incapable due to his ADHD. However, once his parents started treating him as though he could handle his responsibilities, Cody began to put in more effort, and his grades improved.
To promote responsibility and perseverance:
- Hold your child accountable for their actions
- Let them face the consequences of their choices
- Assign household chores from an early age
- Allow them to handle problems independently
- Teach them to choose "true thoughts" over "BLUE thoughts" (Blame, Look for bad news, Unhappy guessing, Exaggeratedly negative)
Research shows that children who have regular chores from a young age become more successful, empathetic, and self-reliant adults. Additionally, allowing children to resolve conflicts on their own during unstructured playtime helps them develop problem-solving skills and reduces the likelihood of blaming others for their issues.
2. Avoiding Guilt-Driven Parenting
Parental guilt is a common experience, with 94% of mothers reporting feelings of "mommy guilt." However, making parenting decisions based on guilt can lead to poor choices and enable unhealthy behaviors in children.
For instance, Joe struggled with guilt when denying his overweight son, Micah, junk food. While he felt guilty about enabling Micah's unhealthy eating habits, he found it even harder to cope with the immediate guilt of seeing Micah upset when denied treats. Joe learned to tolerate the short-term guilt of setting limits, recognizing that the long-term consequences of poor health would be much worse.
To manage parental guilt:
- Determine if the guilt is warranted
- If it is, change your behavior
- If it's not, avoid catastrophizing
- Forgive yourself and model self-compassion for your child
It's also important to avoid parenting out of fear. Overprotective parenting can lead to children who are ill-equipped to handle the transition to adulthood. Instead, focus on teaching your children the skills they need to flourish in the world.
3. Setting Strong Boundaries
While it's natural to want to make your child feel special, mentally strong parents avoid giving their children the impression that they're the center of the universe. This approach can lead to a sense of entitlement, diminished empathy, and a belief that they shouldn't have to work hard to achieve their goals.
Carol and Tom, for example, doted on their daughter Brittany and allowed her to make most family decisions. They were surprised to discover that Brittany was considered a "mean girl" at school. Their intention to teach kindness through their own actions had backfired, resulting in a self-centered child lacking empathy.
To set strong boundaries and promote humility:
- Praise effort rather than results
- Introduce daily gratitude practices
- Provide opportunities for your child to experience awe
- Establish a clear hierarchy within your household
- Set firm rules and follow through with consequences
- Offer rewards instead of bribes
- Present a united front with your partner
Research from the University of California, Berkeley suggests that experiences of awe can help children gain perspective and understand that they're part of something greater than themselves.
4. Avoiding Perfectionism and Overprotection
Parents who expect perfection from their children often view them as extensions of themselves. This approach can have severe consequences for a child's mental health, potentially leading to socially prescribed perfectionism – the belief that others won't love them if they make mistakes.
Instead of pushing for perfection:
- Encourage striving for excellence, not perfection
- Use a praise-criticism-praise sandwich when offering feedback
- Allow your child to make and learn from mistakes
- Share stories of your own failures and how you overcame them
Helicopter parenting, or constantly intervening to prevent mistakes, can hinder a child's ability to develop problem-solving skills and resilience. Children of helicopter parents are more likely to struggle with the transition to adulthood, have difficulty making decisions independently, and face mental and physical health issues.
5. Allowing Children to Experience Pain and Emotions
Mentally strong parents understand that shielding children from all pain and negative emotions can be detrimental to their development. While it's natural to want to protect your children, allowing them to experience and cope with difficult emotions builds resilience and self-esteem.
For example, Julie and Michael, who were divorced, maintained a semblance of family unity for years to shield their children from pain. However, this approach prolonged the inevitable and prevented their children from learning to cope with the reality of their parents' separation.
To help children develop emotional intelligence:
- Validate and support their emotions rather than distracting them
- Coach them on how to deal with difficult feelings
- Encourage them to describe their emotions in detail
- Model emotional awareness by discussing your own feelings
- Help them build an emotional vocabulary
- Teach mood-boosting techniques for self-regulation
Research from Penn State shows that children who exhibit better prosocial skills at age 5 are more likely to finish college and have full-time jobs at age 25. Conversely, those who struggle with these skills are at higher risk for substance abuse and legal issues later in life.
6. Understanding the Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
Harsh punishment methods like spanking, yelling, or public humiliation have been proven to increase aggression, behavioral problems, and mental health issues in children. Instead, mentally strong parents focus on healthy discipline that emphasizes learning and improvement.
To implement effective discipline:
- Establish clear expectations and consistent rules
- Use logical consequences rather than arbitrary punishments
- Develop a specific, thoughtful reward system
- Avoid quick fixes and shortcuts
- Help your child set and work towards goals
- Model persistence and self-control
Research from Stanford University suggests that children who can delay gratification and exhibit self-control have better outcomes later in life, including higher SAT scores and a decreased likelihood of obesity or drug use.
7. Aligning Actions with Values
Mentally strong parents ensure that their actions align with the values they want to instill in their children. Children learn more from what their parents do than what they say, so it's crucial to model the behaviors and attitudes you want them to adopt.
For instance, Kyle's parents emphasized academic achievement to such an extent that he believed they valued grades and reputation over honesty and character. This led him to cheat when he couldn't handle his workload, rather than admitting he was struggling.
To align your actions with your values:
- Clarify your family's core values
- Create a family mission statement
- Model and explain altruistic behaviors
- Prioritize character development alongside achievement
- Regularly reflect on whether your actions match your stated values
A 2014 Harvard University survey found that while most parents say kindness is their top priority for their children, 80% of teens believe their parents prioritize achievement over kindness. This disconnect highlights the importance of consistently demonstrating the values you want to instill.
Practical Strategies for Mentally Strong Parenting
Throughout the book, Morin offers numerous practical strategies for implementing mentally strong parenting. Here are some key techniques:
Teaching emotional regulation: Help your child learn to "change the channel" when experiencing negative emotions. For example, give them a simple task that requires full attention to demonstrate how changing behavior can shift thoughts.
Promoting gratitude: Implement daily gratitude practices, such as sharing things you're thankful for at the dinner table.
Encouraging perseverance: Help your child set goals and work towards them, celebrating effort along the way.
Fostering independence: Allow your child to solve problems and handle age-appropriate tasks on their own.
Building empathy: Provide opportunities for your child to experience awe and understand their place in the larger world.
Developing a growth mindset: Share stories of your own failures and how you learned from them.
Implementing effective discipline: Use a praise-criticism-praise sandwich when offering feedback and focus on logical consequences rather than punishment.
Modeling self-care: Prioritize your own mental health and demonstrate the importance of self-care to your children.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
One of the key themes throughout the book is the importance of parental self-reflection. Morin emphasizes that to raise mentally strong children, parents must first work on their own mental strength. This involves:
- Examining your own beliefs and behaviors
- Identifying areas where you may be unintentionally hindering your child's development
- Being willing to change your parenting approach when necessary
- Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness
- Continuously learning and growing as a parent
By focusing on their own mental strength, parents can better model the behaviors and attitudes they want to see in their children.
The Long-Term Benefits of Mentally Strong Parenting
Morin argues that the benefits of mentally strong parenting extend far beyond childhood. Children raised with these principles are more likely to:
- Develop resilience and cope well with life's challenges
- Have higher self-esteem and confidence
- Exhibit better problem-solving skills
- Show increased empathy and prosocial behaviors
- Transition more successfully to adulthood
- Have better mental and physical health outcomes
- Achieve academic and professional success
By avoiding common pitfalls and focusing on building mental strength, parents can set their children up for long-term success and happiness.
Conclusion
"13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do" offers a refreshing perspective on parenting by focusing on what habits to avoid. Amy Morin's approach emphasizes the importance of parents working on their own mental strength to better guide their children. By avoiding guilt-driven decisions, setting strong boundaries, allowing children to experience a range of emotions, and aligning actions with values, parents can raise self-reliant, responsible, and mentally strong children.
The book serves as a valuable resource for parents looking to foster resilience, emotional intelligence, and character in their children. It reminds us that parenting is not about perfection, but about continuous growth and learning – both for the parent and the child. By implementing the strategies outlined in this book, parents can create a supportive environment that allows their children to develop the mental strength needed to face life's challenges with confidence and grace.
Ultimately, Morin's message is one of empowerment – for both parents and children. By focusing on building mental strength, families can create a foundation of resilience, empathy, and self-reliance that will serve children well throughout their lives. As Frederick Douglass wisely noted, "It's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." With the guidance provided in this book, parents can take proactive steps to raise children who are equipped to handle whatever life throws their way.