13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do

"It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." This book explains how thoughtful, emotionally aware parenting can lay a foundation for children's lifelong resilience and success.

1. Teach Responsibility Over Victim Mentality

Mentally strong children need to learn life isn't always fair, but they can overcome challenges. Parents can instill this by refusing to reinforce helplessness. By modeling perseverance, parents teach kids to embrace accountability and develop emotional grit.

Instead of solving every problem for their child, parents should empower them to find solutions. For example, research shows children benefit greatly from doing household chores, fostering empathy and self-reliance. Parents should also encourage their kids to take initiative in their daily lives, like resolving disputes during play without adult intervention.

Children's beliefs about challenges can either limit or empower them. Take Cody, a 14-year-old who thought his ADHD defined his capabilities. When his parents stopped lowering expectations for him, he learned effort mattered more than his diagnosis.

Examples

• Kids who handle chores grow more successful and empathetic.
• Unstructured play helps kids practice conflict resolution.
• Cody overcame helplessness when expectations stayed firm.

2. Don’t Parent by Avoiding Guilt

Parenting out of guilt often leads to unhelpful concessions, like giving in to demands to escape a child's tantrum. This not only reinforces unhealthy coping mechanisms for kids but also worsens long-term guilt for parents.

When Micah, a deeply overweight child, begged for junk food, his father Joe struggled with immediate guilt. However, Joe realized the deeper guilt he’d feel if Micah's health deteriorated outweighed the short-term discomfort. By standing firm, Joe ultimately helped his son.

Parents can manage guilt by reframing irrational worries. For example, not buying the latest sneakers doesn’t necessarily doom a child’s social life. Teaching children resilience means preparing them for life’s limitations, not shielding them from them.

Examples

• Joe resisted enabling Micah’s overeating despite temporary guilt.
• April learned swimming lessons for her kids beat complete water avoidance.
• Overprotective parenting leads to unprepared “boomerang kids” returning home.

3. Avoid Placing Children at the Center of the Universe

Overindulging children by putting them on a pedestal risks feeding entitlement and diminishing their empathy. Once convinced they're exceptional above all others, kids might expect special treatment without effort.

Carol and Tom, for example, always yielded to their daughter Brittany’s whims. However, they were shocked to learn she was labeled a "mean girl" at school, showing how their overly lenient parenting backfired.

Teaching humility, gratitude, and awe can help prevent this. Praising effort rather than results reinforces how hard work matters, while family rituals like sharing daily gratitudes encourage perspective-taking.

Examples

• Praising effort keeps a child grounded, like complimenting training over winning.
• Family gratitude rituals promote empathy.
• Experiences of awe, such as visiting natural wonders, offer perspective.

4. Encourage Excellence, Not Perfection

Pushing children toward perfection often creates anxiety and fear of failure. Instead, teaching them to aim for excellence fosters growth without the harm of unrealistic standards.

Parents striving to "perfect" their children risk damaging their kids’ mental health. Research indicates boys under societal pressure to achieve are at higher risk for severe consequences like depression. Balancing encouragement with understanding of failure better supports emotional wellness.

The praise-criticism-praise method works well here. For instance, congratulating a child on tidying their room, noting missed details (like unfolded shirts), then emphasizing their positive effort leaves them motivated without feeling judged.

Examples

• Parents who aim for perfection risk their child’s emotional health.
• Perfectionism has been linked to high rates of youth depression.
• "Good job cleaning your room" acknowledges effort while gently correcting details.

5. Allow Children to Experience Pain

Resilience comes from confronting and overcoming challenges, yet many parents try to shield their children from every hardship. Unfortunately, avoiding life’s pain can lead to fragile adults who struggle with adversity.

Julie learned this after her divorce. By keeping family rituals unchanged for too long, she delayed teaching her kids to process emotional pain. When she finally stepped back, her children grew through their emotions and built self-esteem.

Pain opens the door to compassion and mindfulness as well. Experiencing sadness helps children develop empathy and appreciate moments of joy sharper in contrast to hardship.

Examples

• Julie’s children became more resilient post-divorce after routine changes.
• Processing pain aids empathy by experiencing suffering firsthand.
• Pain encourages mindfulness by grounding people in the present.

6. Teach the Whole Emotional Spectrum

Helping kids acknowledge and express their emotions makes them emotionally resilient adults. Instead of avoiding uncomfortable feelings, parents should validate their children's emotional experiences, teaching them to manage emotions without aggression or avoidance.

By naming their emotions instead of resorting to clichés, children learn self-awareness. For instance, turning "I’m mad” into “I’m embarrassed” builds a child’s emotional vocabulary while fostering accountability. These lessons prepare children to navigate disappointment more gracefully.

Let your child practice mood-boosting mechanisms, like walking or playing with pets, to prevent being stuck in negative emotions. This empowers them to self-soothe rather than suppress feelings.

Examples

• Coaching a child to reframe “mad” into specifics builds emotion identification.
• Teaching mood boosters like playing with pets fosters non-destructive coping.
• Penn State research links prosocial skills to stronger adult outcomes.

7. Choose Discipline Over Punishment

Shaming or harsh punishment hinders healthy behavior. For instance, spanking may encourage aggression in children and increase behavioral issues. Mental strength comes from teaching perseverance rather than merely avoiding punishment.

Reward systems and clear expectations create structure children can use throughout life. For instance, a child who learns to wait for delayed gratification is statistically more likely to achieve higher academic success and avoid unhealthy habits.

Maintaining calm authority allows parents to model the behaviors they want to see in their children instead of yelling or overreacting. Parents who manage stress better create a more constructive learning environment.

Examples

• Spanking has been linked to increased aggression.
• The "marshmallow test" proved delayed gratification benefits long-term success.
• Calm authority builds children’s trust in parental guidance.

8. Model Values to Teach Values

Parents' actions, more than their words, communicate what truly matters. For instance, if a child sees his parents prioritize achievements over honesty or kindness, he’ll absorb those lessons regardless of verbal teachings.

Kyle, a straight-A student caught cheating on exams, believed success mattered over integrity because of his parents’ emphasis on academic glory. This misstep highlighted the importance of parents aligning behavior with desired family values.

Create a family mission statement to clarify what you value. Articulate and practice these principles every day, such as expressing gratitude if kindness is key.

Examples

• Kyle cheated because his parents’ actions suggested grades mattered most.
• A family with a mission statement fosters shared ethical goals.
• Modeling gratitude sticks with kids beyond just repeating the value verbally.

9. Emphasize Growth Over Shortcuts

Mentally strong parents prioritize persistence. While quick fixes like giving in to a child’s demands seem convenient, they undermine teaching long-term effort.

Kids mirror their parents' problem-solving skills. For instance, cleaning a child’s messy room only teaches them dependency. Instead, encourage steady improvement by setting fun yet challenging goals, like summer reading lists.

Stanford research shows children who learn to delay gratification, such as avoiding shortcuts, face life with fewer struggles. Teaching determination has positive ripple effects, from better test scores to healthier lifestyle habits.

Examples

• A simple reward system fosters goal-reaching rather than shortcuts.
• Stanford’s marshmallow test links patience to better adult outcomes.
• Setting reading goals teaches persistence while being engaging.

Takeaways

1. Create a family mission statement, outlining your core values and hang it prominently in your home.
2. Use the praise-criticism-praise method to guide children toward improvement without lowering their confidence.
3. Teach children to “change the channel” by redirecting anxious thoughts with engaging, focused tasks like sorting a deck of cards.