Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions Summary

Teach her that because she is a girl, she must not twist herself into shapes to make herself likeable. Her job is not to make herself likeable; her job is to be her full self.

1. Be a Whole Person, Not Just a Mother

Feminism starts with you. The first piece of advice Adichie offers is to see yourself as more than a mother. Your daughter will follow the example you set, so if you limit yourself to only your parenting role, she might imitate that idea as adulthood looms. It’s about showing her that women can be creative, ambitious, and multifaceted.

Balancing parenthood with work is one way to maintain your sense of self. People might try to convince you that a mother choosing to work goes against tradition, but such ideas are often more recent than they seem. In some Nigerian cultures, like the Igbo, women headed trading enterprises and contributed to their households financially before colonial intervention restricted their roles.

Moreover, being a full person benefits your children. For example, journalist Marlene Sanders juggled a thriving career while raising a child, teaching by example that passion and work are not enemies of parenthood. She argued that when you love your work, you're giving your child something invaluable: the awareness that fulfillment and identity are important.

Examples

• Adichie highlights how colonialism shaped views of women’s work roles negatively.
• Journalist Marlene Sanders’s career demonstrated that motherhood and ambition coexist.
• Even when juggling tasks fails, asking for help strengthens confidence and teaches humility to children.

2. Reject Parenting Stereotypes

Stop assuming parenting duties align with gender roles. When parents share responsibility for childcare, both the mother and father become active, equal participants. This sets a refreshing example for children, breaking the cycle of assigning women the heavier domestic load.

Adichie explains that regardless of claims about biology, there's no good reason for mothers to bear all the responsibility. She reminds us that traditional systems often frame fathers as mere "helpers." This is harmful not only to mothers but also to fathers who are seen as secondary parents rather than as equal caregivers.

One way stereotypes manifest is through unnecessary perfectionism from mothers. For instance, a mother might insist that her partner changes a diaper "her way," inadvertently limiting his involvement and initiative. Parenthood should be teamwork. Mothers should step back at times, and fathers should engage without being passive or patronized.

Examples

• Igbo women’s historical struggle for equal parenting rights after divorce demonstrates harmful stereotypes.
• Language like saying fathers "help" reinforces the idea that childcare is a mother’s domain.
• Parenting perfectionism can discourage fathers from participating naturally.

3. Ditch Gender Boxes

Gender expectations limit everyone. Adichie encourages raising girls to see gender as irrelevant to ability or ambition. Social conditioning begins early, with boys' colors assigned as "blue" and toys like helicopters taken as masculine—ideas that restrict dreams and talents.

For instance, when a young girl wanted a helicopter toy in a store, her mother refused, saying she “already had dolls.” Society’s norms deprived that child of exploration, possibly cutting short an interest in engineering or mechanics. Girls deserve the freedom to explore without being classified by stereotypical activities.

Moreover, language perpetuates harmful narratives. Phrases like “throw like a girl” subtly implant expectations about physical or intellectual limitations. Instead, parents can encourage their daughters to question and disregard such association.

Examples

• The author notes an experience where a Nigerian mother discouraged her daughter from pursuing a helicopter toy.
• Common phrases like "run like a girl" often limit female confidence.
• Boys rarely face equivalent beauty or obedience criteria and are encouraged to explore widely.

4. Dismantle Feminism Lite

Equal rights are non-negotiable. Adichie critiques Feminism Lite, which she describes as superficial feminism that permits equality only when male-dominated structures approve. Platitudes like depicting partners as “the man driving but the woman riding shotgun” excuse inequality.

Adichie recounts conversations where men justify sexism as “natural.” A friend once claimed his mother’s power was hidden “behind the scenes,” disguising systemic inequality. Women shouldn’t cloak their strength in invisibility or settle for a supporting role.

Furthermore, unchecked language continues this cycle. Words like "allow" perpetuate sexism by giving men authority over women’s presence or success. Adichie warns us to push back against such subtleties in discourse, turning to examples that place women as equals, not secondary players.

Examples

• “Behind the scenes” power is used as a justification to keep women out of leadership.
• British headlines on Prime Minister May's husband "allowing her to succeed" create false narratives.
• Social expectations of “hidden” power hurt women’s public image and enforce hierarchy.

5. Watch Your Language

Our words shape reality. Sometimes, subtle phrases reveal deeply rooted assumptions about gender. Adichie proposes thoughtful alternatives, such as choosing neutral nicknames or challenging sayings that link a woman’s value to her marital status.

For example, rather than calling a child “princess,” opt for terms like “star” or “spark.” Similarly, old proverbs about finding a husband can be flipped to suggest finding a career instead. By reframing language, parents break down outdated ideas.

Teach children that gendered emotions or rules stem from bias. For example, suggest that it’s acceptable for everyone—girls included—to be stubborn or ambitious instead of submissive. The way each gender is seen in language influences their opportunities later.

Examples

• Nicknames like “princess” often carry outdated ideas of delicate femininity.
• Switching “husband” for “career” in proverbs gives girls new narratives to aspire to.
• Discussing double standards in behavior (like assertive women being called “bossy”) exposes sexism.

6. Balance Love Against Independence

Don’t let love weigh too much. Adichie argues marriage should be optional and rooted in equality. It's harmful to treat love and marriage as a one-directional aspiration for girls alone, leaving boys free of similar pressure.

For example, Hillary Clinton, despite being a high-achieving woman, had her marriage shape her public identity. Moreover, policies surrounding proposals reinforce passivity: women wait while men choose. Trusting a partner to make such decisions diminishes partnership.

Love itself should be reciprocal. Teach your daughter that she doesn’t need to lose her identity for love or prioritize anyone above herself. A genuine relationship involves equal giving and taking.

Examples

• Hillary Clinton had to change her last name for public acceptance after marriage.
• Gender-specific pressure about proposals teaches boys independence but fosters reliance in girls.
• One-sided love often leaves girls questioning their worth compared to male counterparts.

7. Foster Self-Identity

Girls frequently face social pressure to conform. Teach your daughter how to prioritize being authentic over being agreeable. She doesn’t have to always be nice or passive—it’s more important to be honest and self-assured.

For instance, avoid forcing “likability.” When girls fear bad impressions, they’re less likely to report abuse or unfair treatment. Instead, encourage kids to express boundaries, like refusing unfair requests from peers or adults.

Finally, let your daughter embrace or discard cultural expectations as she wishes. Adichie suggests recognizing heritage while leaving behind dated gender norms. Everyone deserves flexibility in tradition and identity.

Examples

• Adichie’s nickname from her own culture (Daughter of the Warriors) instilled pride in her identity.
• Fear of being unlikeable often discourages girls from standing against cruelty or harassment.
• Letting girls refuse unfair demands teaches early empowerment and decision-making.

8. Discuss Appearance with Awareness

How someone looks doesn’t define them. Adichie highlights that while fashion and femininity don’t clash with feminism, parents should ensure neither becomes a moral test. Short skirts aren’t wrong—and neither are baggy pants.

Encouraging diverse beauty counters mainstream bias. Black and African children often lack representation in beauty standards. Providing them with aspirational figures combats prioritizing white appearances.

Young girls benefit from discovering their interests rather than internalizing misplaced shame about personal style. Observing adults who break molds, like men interested in cooking or women in construction, gives a balanced narrative.

Examples

• Certain professions exhibit diverse beauty choices: showcase peers living authentically.
• Engage in small style choices but avoid remarks that equate morality with modesty.
• Empower your child by reframing beauty as fun/self rather than societal expectation.

9. Encourage Respect for Differences

Teach kids respect for other people’s lives. Adichie stresses that diversity breeds resilience. Show your daughter that difference – whether cultural, religious, or personal – is not strange or “exotic” but common.

Understanding the imperfections in every culture strengthens clearer ideas of morality. Oppressed groups, like anyone, consist of flawed individuals worthy of respect without idealization. Fairness means recognizing everyone’s humanity.

By seeing others as equals, your child gains confidence without judgment. Recognizing personal limitations and enabling open growth leads eventually toward allyship and intelligent discussions about inequality or fairness.

Examples

• Add community-focused clubs/friends living diverse lifestyles.
• Highlight social advocacy events where integration was key.
• Challenge her to test fairness—can both weak/jovial sides coexist democratically?

Takeaways

1. Teach kids to label emotions and bias early—small examples like books/toy shops help share awareness.
2. Advocate gender-awareness even back-to-school—choosing co-education activities avoids barriers.
3. Introduce decision women/make all/different lines hopefulness rematch equality elsewhere simultaneously.