"Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions" is a powerful and thought-provoking book by renowned Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The book originated as a letter to Adichie's childhood friend, who had asked for advice on how to raise her newborn daughter as a feminist. Adichie, drawing from her experiences as an Igbo woman and her observations of gender dynamics in both Nigeria and the United States, offers fifteen suggestions for raising a strong, independent, and empowered daughter.
This book is not just for mothers of daughters; it's a valuable resource for anyone interested in understanding and promoting gender equality. Adichie's suggestions are practical, insightful, and often challenging, pushing readers to question deeply ingrained societal norms and beliefs about gender roles.
Key Ideas
1. Be a Full Person
Adichie's first suggestion emphasizes the importance of mothers maintaining their own identity beyond motherhood. This idea is crucial not only for the mother's well-being but also for setting an example for her daughter.
The author argues that society often expects women to sacrifice their personal ambitions and interests once they become mothers. However, this expectation is harmful and unrealistic. By continuing to pursue their passions and careers, mothers show their daughters that women can have multifaceted lives and identities.
Adichie uses the example of American journalist Marlene Sanders, who reported on the Vietnam War while raising her son. Sanders believed that loving what you do is a gift to your child. This example illustrates that it's possible to balance work and family life, and that doing so can be beneficial for both mother and child.
The author also addresses the guilt that many working mothers feel. She encourages women to be kind to themselves and to ask for help when needed. It's important to recognize that there's no one perfect way to be a parent, and making mistakes is a natural part of the process.
Adichie also challenges the notion of women "doing it all." This concept, she argues, is based on the sexist assumption that childcare and domestic work are inherently female responsibilities. Instead, she encourages women to take pride in what they do without feeling pressured to do everything.
2. Reject Gender Roles in Parenting
The second suggestion focuses on the importance of equal parenting and rejecting traditional gender roles within the family. Adichie challenges the common belief that children "belong" to their fathers, pointing out the illogical nature of this idea from a biological standpoint.
She shares an example of a Yoruba woman who married an Igbo man and accepted without question that their children would only have Igbo names. This scenario illustrates how deeply ingrained these gender norms can be, even when they don't make logical sense.
Adichie emphasizes the importance of shared parenting responsibilities. While acknowledging that breastfeeding is the one area where mothers have a unique biological role, she argues that all other aspects of childcare should be shared equally between parents.
The author also addresses the tendency for mothers to become perfectionists in childcare, which can inadvertently diminish the father's role. She encourages mothers to allow fathers to care for their children in their own way, even if it differs from the mother's approach.
Adichie also highlights the problematic language often used around fathers' involvement in childcare. Terms like "helping" or "babysitting" when referring to a father caring for his own child reinforce the idea that childcare is primarily the mother's responsibility. Instead, she argues that fathers should be recognized as equal partners in parenting, not praised for doing what should be expected of them.
3. Question Gender Stereotypes
Adichie's third suggestion revolves around challenging and rejecting harmful gender stereotypes. She points out how these stereotypes limit children's potential and reinforce outdated ideas about what boys and girls can or should do.
The author uses the example of a young girl who was denied a remote-control helicopter toy because she "already had dolls." This incident illustrates how gender stereotypes can stifle a child's interests and potentially limit their future aspirations. Adichie wonders if that girl might have become an engineer if she had been encouraged to explore her interest in how things work.
She also addresses the absurdity of assigning gender to colors, particularly the notion that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. This arbitrary color coding, she argues, is just one of many ways society imposes gender roles from an early age.
Adichie encourages parents to see their daughters as individuals first, rather than defining them primarily by their gender. She points out that girls are often subject to different rules than boys, being told to be pleasant and rewarded for obedience. Instead, she suggests encouraging girls to be active, self-sufficient, and capable of fixing things themselves.
The author also highlights the importance of language in reinforcing or challenging gender stereotypes. Phrases like "run like a girl" or "throw like a girl" imply that girls are inherently less capable in certain areas. By questioning and rejecting such language, we can help break down these harmful stereotypes.
4. Beware of Feminism Lite
In her fourth suggestion, Adichie warns against what she calls "Feminism Lite" – a watered-down version of feminism that presents female equality as conditional or secondary to male dominance. She describes this approach as "hollow" and "worthless" because it ultimately reinforces the very gender inequalities it claims to address.
The author gives examples of Feminism Lite slogans, such as "The husband is the driver, but the wife is in the front seat." These statements might seem empowering on the surface, but they still position women as secondary to men.
Adichie shares an anecdote about her friend Ikenga, who dismisses arguments about misogyny by talking about "women's privilege." Ikenga claims that while his father is technically the head of the household, his mother is really in charge "behind the scenes." The author takes issue with this view, arguing that it's problematic to suggest that women can only be powerful if they disguise their power.
The author also addresses the double standard faced by powerful women. Society often judges powerful women more harshly than their male counterparts, expecting them to maintain traditional feminine qualities while also being strong leaders. This expectation shows that we're not uncomfortable with power itself, but with power held by women.
Adichie also points out how Feminism Lite perpetuates misogyny through subtle language choices. For example, the use of the word "allow" when describing a man's support of his wife's career implies that the man has the power to grant or withhold permission, rather than viewing the couple as equal partners.
5. Question Language
Adichie's fifth suggestion focuses on the power of language and the importance of teaching children to question the words they hear and use. She argues that our assumptions and beliefs about the world are often reflected in our language, and by examining these linguistic choices, we can uncover and challenge underlying biases.
The author starts with something as simple as pet names. She mentions a friend who refuses to call her daughter "princess," preferring gender-neutral terms like "star" or "angel." The problem with "princess," Adichie explains, is its association with stereotypes about how girls should behave – delicate, passive, and in need of rescuing.
She also encourages challenging old sayings that reinforce gender stereotypes. For instance, she suggests modifying an Igbo saying used to scold immature girls – "Don't you know that you are old enough to find a husband?" – by replacing "husband" with "job." This small change shifts the focus from marriage as a girl's primary goal to her own independence and career.
When discussing feminist ideas with children, Adichie advises avoiding complex jargon. Instead, she suggests using everyday examples to illustrate concepts like sexism and double standards. For instance, pointing out when a woman is criticized for behavior that would be acceptable from a man can help children recognize subtle forms of gender bias.
The author also highlights the importance of noticing language that implies women are only important in relation to men. She gives examples of men advocating for women's rights by saying they could be "our mothers, daughters, or sisters," or male politicians talking about "championing" or "revering" women. While these statements might seem positive, they still position women as secondary to men rather than as equal human beings in their own right.
6. Don't Overvalue Marriage
In her sixth suggestion, Adichie addresses the societal pressure placed on girls and women to prioritize love, marriage, and motherhood above all else. She argues that this emphasis creates an imbalance, as boys are not typically raised with the same expectations regarding romance and matrimony.
The author points out how even powerful women are often defined primarily by their marital status. She uses the example of Hillary Clinton, who listed "wife" as the first word in her Twitter bio when running for president, while her husband Bill Clinton's first descriptor was "founder."
Adichie also discusses the tradition of women taking their husband's last name after marriage. She shares how Hillary Clinton, who initially kept her maiden name, eventually adopted her husband's surname to appease voters. This example illustrates how deeply ingrained these expectations are, even for women in positions of power.
The author challenges the idea that the man should always be the one to propose marriage. While some view this as giving women power (since they can say no), Adichie argues that it actually reinforces male dominance by giving men control over when and if a significant life change occurs.
Importantly, Adichie emphasizes teaching girls to see love as equal and reciprocal. She warns against the notion that girls should sacrifice parts of themselves for love or make men the center of their lives. Instead, she encourages teaching girls that they should both give and receive love, maintaining their own identity and interests within a relationship.
7. Encourage Self-Identity
Adichie's seventh suggestion focuses on helping girls develop a strong sense of self and their own identity. She emphasizes the importance of encouraging girls to be true to themselves rather than constantly trying to please others.
The author shares an anecdote about her friend Chioma, who would pressure her to modify her behavior to seem more likable. Adichie argues against this tendency, pointing out that boys are typically encouraged to be honest and expressive, while girls are often taught to be mild-mannered and obedient. This double standard not only limits girls' self-expression but can also make them more vulnerable to abuse, as they may be hesitant to speak up or say no for fear of being seen as "not nice."
Adichie suggests teaching girls about consent from an early age. For example, if another child takes her toy, make sure she knows she doesn't have to let them keep it just to be polite. The author emphasizes that kindness can coexist with honesty and courage, and girls should be encouraged to express their true thoughts and feelings.
The author also addresses the importance of helping girls embrace their cultural identity. She advises teaching daughters to appreciate the positive aspects of their culture while feeling free to reject elements that promote inequality or unfair expectations. For Igbo culture, this might mean valuing the language, proverbs, and sense of community while rejecting materialistic or sexist aspects.
Adichie highlights the need to counter the bombardment of white beauty standards and accomplishments that girls, especially black girls, often face. She suggests actively exposing girls to images and stories of African and black beauty, achievement, and history to instill a sense of pride in their heritage.
Lastly, the author recommends giving girls culturally significant nicknames to foster imagination and pride in their roots. She shares how her aunt nicknamed her "Ada Obodo Dike," meaning "Daughter of the Land of Warriors," which helped connect her to her Igbo heritage.
8. Be Careful with Appearance
In her eighth suggestion, Adichie addresses the complex relationship between feminism, femininity, and appearance. She emphasizes that a girl's fashion choices should be her own decision, not dictated by others' expectations or judgments.
The author challenges the misconception that feminism and femininity are incompatible. She argues that rejecting traditionally feminine interests like fashion or makeup is not necessary for being a feminist. In fact, she points out that this view is itself misogynistic, as it devalues interests typically associated with women while men's interests (like sports) are freely expressed without shame.
Adichie warns against attaching undue meaning to a girl's appearance. She points out the double standard where women often worry about their outfit or makeup choices affecting perceptions of their intellect or professionalism, while men generally don't face the same scrutiny.
Most importantly, the author stresses never linking a girl's appearance to her morality. While it's natural for parents to have opinions about what their daughter wears, Adichie advises against suggesting that certain clothing choices (like short skirts) are immoral.
Recognizing that parents can't control all the values their daughter is exposed to, Adichie suggests ensuring she has positive examples in her own life. This includes surrounding her with strong women and caring men who challenge traditional gender roles. For instance, introducing her to a man who loves cooking can help counter the idea that cooking is exclusively a woman's job.
The author also addresses the narrow beauty standards often promoted in mainstream media, which typically favor white skin and straight hair. She advises actively showing girls that other types of beauty are appreciated and introducing them to diverse representations of beauty.
9. Teach About Sex and Love
Adichie's ninth suggestion focuses on providing girls with comprehensive, shame-free education about sex and love from an early age. She emphasizes the importance of giving girls reliable information at home to counter the often misleading or harmful messages they may encounter elsewhere.
The author stresses the need to teach girls that they have autonomy over their own bodies and are the only ones who can make choices about their sex lives. She criticizes the tendency to discuss sex solely in terms of reproduction, arguing that while it's important to cover the physical consequences like infections and pregnancy, girls should also learn about the emotional and pleasurable aspects of sex.
Adichie reflects on her own experiences with sex education, recalling a school seminar that was more about instilling shame and fear than providing useful information. She advises against perpetuating myths like sex being acceptable only within marriage, recognizing that most girls will see through such hypocrisy.
The author strongly advises against linking virginity to morality, arguing that this concept reinforces the harmful idea that sex is shameful. Instead, she suggests expressing your opinion (such as believing it's best to wait until adulthood for sex) while acknowledging that ultimately, your daughter's body is her own.
Adichie emphasizes the importance of using proper terminology when discussing body parts, even from a young age. She recommends using words like "vagina" and "penis" rather than euphemisms, as this helps remove shame and stigma from these discussions.
The author places particular emphasis on normalizing menstruation. She points out the universal tendency to treat periods as something shameful or taboo, and argues strongly against this. Adichie stresses that menstruation is a normal, natural process that shouldn't be associated with embarrassment or secrecy.
10. Embrace Difference
In her tenth suggestion, Adichie emphasizes the importance of teaching girls to recognize and accept the diversity of the world around them. Rather than merely tolerating difference, she advises teaching children to expect and embrace it as a normal part of life.
The author argues that difference should be viewed neutrally – neither inherently good nor bad. She suggests that if children grow up expecting to encounter differences, they'll be better equipped to navigate diverse situations and interactions throughout their lives.
Adichie stresses the importance of respecting differences between oneself and others, as long as those differences don't cause harm. She advises teaching children to recognize that there will always be much they don't know about others' experiences, which can foster humility and openness.
However, the author is careful to distinguish this acceptance of difference from being non-judgmental or lacking opinions. She encourages the development of well-informed, broad-minded opinions that are grounded in the reality of human diversity.
When it comes to teaching about oppression, Adichie warns against the tendency to idealize oppressed groups. She points out that one doesn't need to be a saint to deserve dignity and equality – even flawed individuals have these basic rights. This applies to women as well; the author advises against portraying all women as superior to men simply because misogyny exists.
Adichie also addresses the reality that not all women support other women or identify as feminists. She explains that this doesn't discredit feminism, but rather demonstrates how deeply ingrained patriarchal thinking can be in society.
The author concludes this point by reassuring readers that they're not expected to single-handedly dismantle patriarchy by raising a feminist daughter. What matters is making a sincere effort to instill these values and provide tools for navigating a world that often falls short of equality.
11. Be a Role Model
In her eleventh suggestion, Adichie emphasizes the crucial role that parents and other adults play in shaping a child's understanding of gender roles and equality. She stresses that children learn more from what they see than what they're told, making it essential for adults to embody the values they wish to instill.
The author encourages parents to examine their own behaviors and attitudes critically. Do they unconsciously reinforce gender stereotypes in their daily lives? Are household chores divided equally? How do they speak about and treat people of different genders? These everyday actions and interactions send powerful messages to children about what's normal and acceptable.
Adichie suggests actively seeking out and introducing positive role models who challenge traditional gender norms. This could include women in leadership positions, men who are primary caregivers, or individuals who pursue careers or hobbies typically associated with another gender. Exposure to diverse role models can broaden a child's understanding of what's possible and normal.
The author also addresses the importance of modeling healthy relationships. She encourages parents to demonstrate mutual respect, equal decision-making, and shared responsibilities in their partnerships. This provides children with a template for what equitable relationships look like in practice.
Adichie emphasizes the power of small, everyday actions in shaping a child's worldview. Something as simple as a father doing laundry or a mother fixing a car can challenge ingrained stereotypes and expand a child's understanding of gender roles.
The author also stresses the importance of admitting mistakes and showing vulnerability. By acknowledging when they've made errors or displayed bias, adults can model growth and learning, teaching children that it's okay to be imperfect as long as one is committed to improvement.
12. Talk About Gender
Adichie's twelfth suggestion focuses on the importance of open, honest conversations about gender with children. She argues that avoiding or sugar-coating discussions about gender inequality does a disservice to children, who are often more perceptive than adults give them credit for.
The author encourages parents to address gender issues directly and age-appropriately. This might involve pointing out examples of sexism in media, discussing historical and current struggles for women's rights, or exploring how gender expectations can limit both boys and girls.
Adichie emphasizes the importance of making these conversations ongoing rather than one-time events. Gender biases and stereotypes are deeply ingrained in society, and countering them requires consistent effort and dialogue.
The author suggests using real-life examples to illustrate abstract concepts like sexism or gender inequality. For instance, if a girl is told she can't do something because she's a girl, use that as a teachable moment to discuss gender stereotypes and why they're harmful.
Adichie also addresses the need to discuss intersectionality – how gender interacts with other aspects of identity like race, class, or sexuality. She encourages parents to help children understand that experiences of gender can vary greatly depending on these other factors.
The author stresses the importance of creating a safe space for children to ask questions and express their thoughts about gender. She advises against shutting down or dismissing children's observations or curiosities, even if they seem problematic at first. Instead, she suggests using these moments as opportunities for discussion and learning.
Adichie also encourages parents to be honest about their own learning journey when it comes to gender issues. Admitting that adults don't have all the answers and are still learning can model humility and a commitment to growth.
13. Reject Likeability
In her thirteenth suggestion, Adichie tackles the societal pressure placed on girls and women to be likeable above all else. She argues that this expectation is not only unfair but also potentially harmful, limiting girls' ability to express themselves honestly and assert their needs.
The author points out the double standard in how likeability is perceived for boys versus girls. While boys are often encouraged to be assertive and speak their minds, girls are frequently praised for being agreeable and accommodating. This disparity, Adichie argues, sets girls up for a lifetime of prioritizing others' comfort over their own needs and desires.
Adichie shares personal anecdotes about being pressured to modify her behavior to seem more likeable, particularly in professional settings. She encourages parents to teach their daughters that it's okay – even important – to disagree, to have opinions, and to stand up for themselves, even if it means not being liked by everyone.
The author emphasizes that rejecting likeability doesn't mean being unkind or inconsiderate. Rather, it's about finding a balance between being true to oneself and considering others. She suggests teaching girls that it's possible to be both kind and assertive, both compassionate and strong.
Adichie also addresses the potential dangers of prioritizing likeability over all else. She points out that the pressure to be "nice" can make girls more vulnerable to manipulation and abuse, as they may struggle to say no or assert boundaries for fear of being disliked.
The author encourages parents to praise their daughters for qualities beyond agreeableness – things like courage, intelligence, creativity, and resilience. This helps shift the focus from external validation to internal strength and self-worth.
Adichie concludes this point by stressing that the goal isn't to raise unlikeable daughters, but rather to raise daughters who understand that their value isn't determined by how likeable they are to others. She wants girls to feel free to be their authentic selves, even if that sometimes means ruffling feathers or challenging the status quo.
14. Teach About Difference
In her fourteenth suggestion, Adichie emphasizes the importance of teaching children about diversity and difference in a way that promotes understanding and respect rather than mere tolerance.
The author argues that simply teaching children to "tolerate" difference isn't enough. Instead, she suggests fostering an attitude of curiosity and respect towards diverse experiences and perspectives. This approach helps children see difference as a normal and enriching part of life rather than something unusual or threatening.
Adichie encourages parents to expose their children to a wide range of cultures, traditions, and ways of life from an early age. This could involve reading books featuring diverse characters, trying foods from different cultures, or attending cultural events. The goal is to make diversity a normal, everyday part of a child's world.
The author also stresses the importance of teaching children to recognize and appreciate both similarities and differences between people. She suggests helping children understand that while people may look different or have different customs, we all share common human experiences and emotions.
Adichie addresses the need to discuss privilege and disadvantage with children in age-appropriate ways. She encourages parents to help their children understand that not everyone starts from the same place in life, and that factors like race, gender, and economic status can significantly impact people's experiences and opportunities.
The author warns against the tendency to idealize or romanticize difference. She argues that it's important to acknowledge that different doesn't always mean better or worse – it's simply different. This helps prevent the exoticization or fetishization of other cultures.
Adichie also emphasizes the importance of teaching children to stand up against discrimination and prejudice. She suggests discussing examples of injustice and exploring ways to be an ally to those facing discrimination.
The author concludes this point by reminding parents that teaching about difference is an ongoing process. It's not about having one big conversation, but rather about consistently reinforcing messages of respect, understanding, and equality throughout a child's upbringing.
15. Teach About Integrity
In her final suggestion, Adichie emphasizes the importance of teaching children, especially girls, about integrity. She defines integrity as staying true to one's values and beliefs, even when it's difficult or unpopular to do so.
The author argues that integrity is crucial for developing a strong sense of self and for navigating the complex world of gender expectations and societal pressures. She encourages parents to teach their daughters that their worth comes from within, not from conforming to others' expectations or seeking external validation.
Adichie stresses the importance of leading by example when it comes to integrity. She suggests that parents should strive to live according to their values, admit when they make mistakes, and be willing to stand up for what they believe in, even when it's challenging.
The author addresses the particular challenges girls may face in maintaining their integrity in a world that often values their appearance or agreeableness over their character or convictions. She encourages parents to praise their daughters for actions that demonstrate integrity, such as standing up for a classmate or admitting to a mistake.
Adichie also discusses the importance of teaching girls to trust their instincts and listen to their inner voice. She argues that society often conditions girls to doubt themselves and defer to others' judgments, which can erode their sense of integrity over time.
The author suggests discussing real-life examples of people who have demonstrated integrity in the face of adversity. This could include historical figures, current leaders, or even personal acquaintances who have stood up for their beliefs or values in challenging situations.
Adichie emphasizes that integrity doesn't mean being perfect or never making mistakes. Instead, it's about being honest, taking responsibility for one's actions, and striving to align one's behavior with one's values.
The author concludes by reminding parents that teaching integrity is a long-term process that requires patience and consistency. She encourages parents to view setbacks or mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures, and to always reinforce the message that integrity is more important than popularity or short-term gains.
Final Thoughts
In "Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions," Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie provides a comprehensive and practical guide for raising feminist daughters. Her suggestions cover a wide range of topics, from challenging gender stereotypes and rejecting harmful cultural norms to fostering self-identity and teaching about sex and love.
Throughout the book, Adichie emphasizes the importance of leading by example. She encourages parents, particularly mothers, to embody the values they wish to instill in their daughters. This includes maintaining their own identities beyond motherhood, pursuing their passions, and demonstrating equal partnerships in their relationships.
The author consistently challenges readers to question societal norms and expectations around gender. She pushes back against the idea of "Feminism Lite," which she sees as a watered-down version of feminism that ultimately reinforces gender inequalities. Instead, she advocates for a more robust, unapologetic form of feminism that truly empowers women and girls.
Adichie's suggestions are not just about raising strong daughters, but about creating a more equitable world for all. She emphasizes the importance of teaching children to embrace difference, to stand up against discrimination, and to maintain their integrity even in challenging situations.
The book is particularly valuable for its practical approach. Adichie doesn't just present abstract concepts; she offers concrete examples and actionable advice. From suggesting ways to talk about sex and consent to providing tips on how to challenge gender stereotypes in everyday life, the author gives readers tools they can immediately put into practice.
While the book is framed as advice for raising daughters, many of Adichie's suggestions are equally applicable to raising sons. The author recognizes that achieving true gender equality requires changing how we raise all children, not just girls.
Ultimately, "Dear Ijeawele" is a powerful call to action. It challenges readers to examine their own beliefs and behaviors, to question societal norms, and to actively work towards creating a more just and equitable world. By following Adichie's suggestions, parents can not only empower their daughters but also contribute to broader social change.
The book's message extends beyond parenting advice. It serves as a manifesto for anyone interested in promoting gender equality, offering insights that can be applied in various aspects of life, from personal relationships to professional environments.
In conclusion, "Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions" is a thought-provoking, practical, and inspiring guide that challenges readers to rethink their approach to gender and equality. It's a valuable resource not just for parents, but for anyone committed to creating a more just and equitable world for all.