In "Bless This Mess," authors Molly Baskette and Ellen O'Donnell set out to provide a guide for raising progressive Christian children in today's changing world. As mothers themselves, they found existing parenting books lacking when it came to addressing sensitive topics like sex, drugs, and alcohol from both a Christian and progressive perspective. Drawing on Baskette's experience as a minister and O'Donnell's expertise as a child psychologist, the book offers practical advice for nurturing children's moral development, faith, and values while navigating modern challenges.
Key Ideas
Adapting Your Parenting Style
One of the core messages of the book is the importance of tailoring your parenting approach to fit each child's unique personality and temperament. Rather than trying to force children into a one-size-fits-all mold, the authors encourage parents to discern and work with their children's individual strengths and inclinations.
This idea is rooted in a Biblical proverb that suggests raising children "in accordance with their own character." To put this into practice, parents need to ask themselves:
- Who are these children God has given us?
- What are their individual strengths and inclinations?
- How can we work with their God-given temperaments?
The authors caution against becoming too "ego-involved" as parents - that is, over-identifying with our children's successes and failures or projecting our own ambitions onto them. While it's natural to want the best for our kids, we need to be careful not to replace their dreams with our own.
This might mean accepting that your academically-gifted child may not want to attend an Ivy League school, or recognizing that your son may be happier pursuing a trade than going to college. By separating our own ideals from our children's true natures, we can develop more effective and supportive parenting strategies.
Fostering Independence and Self-Motivation
To help children develop drive and independence, the book draws on self-determination theory from psychology. This theory posits that everyone is born with an innate reserve of motivation. Parents can tap into this by empowering children to make their own decisions, thus fostering autonomy.
In practice, this means:
- Giving children choices whenever possible
- Explaining the reasoning behind rules and decisions
- Allowing natural consequences (within reason)
However, the authors emphasize that supporting autonomy doesn't mean letting kids do whatever they want. Structure is also crucial, which involves:
- Communicating clear values and expectations
- Explaining that actions have consequences
- Justifying rules and limits
The final piece is involvement - helping children feel valued, secure, and connected to those around them. This might look like:
- Taking time to listen to your child's perspective
- Showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings
- Offering comfort and support
By balancing autonomy, structure, and involvement, parents can create an environment that nurtures their child's independence and intrinsic motivation.
Developing Moral Reasoning and Empathy
Rather than teaching simplistic notions of "good" and "bad," the authors advocate introducing children to moral ambiguity and nuanced ethical thinking. This aligns with Jesus' own approach of taking nuanced moral stances in a time of absolutes.
Some ways to foster moral reasoning include:
- Explaining that people aren't simply "good guys" or "bad guys"
- Discussing how everyone makes both good and bad choices
- Exploring the reasons behind others' harmful actions
- Emphasizing that God loves everyone equally
Cultivating empathy goes hand-in-hand with moral development. The authors suggest:
- Modeling empathy by being kinder in our judgments of strangers
- Imagining reasons for others' seemingly negative behaviors
- Asking children to consider how their actions impact others' feelings
By developing these skills, children can learn to approach ethical dilemmas with wisdom and compassion.
Living Your Family Values
To help children internalize important values, the authors recommend clearly defining and communicating your family's core principles. This might involve:
- Writing out your family values
- Creating a family mission statement together
- Displaying it prominently in your home
When guiding children's decision-making, link choices back to these stated family values. For example: "If you don't visit grandma, she'll be hurt - and we care about others' feelings in our family."
The authors caution against relying too heavily on rewards and punishments to shape behavior. While these might work in the short-term, they don't help children internalize values or develop intrinsic motivation. Instead, focus on explaining the benefits and values associated with positive behaviors.
Teaching Financial Responsibility and Generosity
Jesus taught that material possessions were unimportant and could hinder spiritual growth. While we don't need to give away everything we own, the authors suggest ways families can become more generous and less materialistic:
- Adopt the practice of tithing (giving away 10% of income)
- Distinguish between wants and needs as a family
- Cut unnecessary expenses to free up money for giving
They note that generosity has been linked to greater happiness, health, and gratitude - known as the "paradox of generosity."
To teach financial responsibility:
- Give children opportunities to manage money (allowance, teen jobs)
- Encourage saving, spending, and giving in equal portions
- Discuss family finances openly (age-appropriately)
Pursuing Social Justice
Following Jesus' example of caring for the marginalized, the authors emphasize teaching children to care about others and pursue social justice. This involves:
- Explicitly teaching kindness and empathy
- Discussing your culture's history of oppression
- Getting involved in community initiatives as a family
- Exposing children to diverse environments and people
They stress that mere tolerance isn't enough - we should teach children that everyone deserves love and respect, regardless of differences.
Discussing Sensitive Topics
Instead of having a single, awkward "Talk" about sex, drugs, and alcohol, the authors advocate for ongoing, casual conversations throughout childhood and adolescence. This allows for more nuanced, age-appropriate discussions.
For sex education:
- Use proper terms for body parts from an early age
- Answer questions honestly as they arise
- Discuss contraception and safety without assuming sexual activity
For alcohol and drugs:
- Differentiate between use and abuse
- Explain varying levels of risk for different substances
- Consider allowing limited, supervised alcohol use at home to model responsible consumption
The key is to empower children with information to make safe, informed decisions rather than relying on inflexible rules or scare tactics.
Incorporating Faith into Daily Life
To bring God into family life more regularly, the authors suggest:
- Observing a weekly Sabbath or day of rest
- Praying together as a family
- Reading children's Bibles together
- Discussing God and faith casually
- Attending church as a family
They note that family prayer can help children see their parents as human and develop both empathy and gratitude.
Managing Anxiety Through Faith
For parents struggling with worry, the authors suggest turning to prayer as a way to recognize what's beyond our control and find peace. They caution against allowing children to avoid all anxiety-inducing situations, as this can reinforce fears. Instead, they advise:
- Acknowledging children's fears
- Gently encouraging them to face anxieties in small steps
- Helping them recognize when fears are irrational
By combining faith, understanding, and gentle guidance, families can work through anxiety together.
Practical Application
Throughout the book, the authors offer concrete ways to put these principles into action. Here are some key strategies parents can implement:
Observe and reflect on each child's unique personality and adjust your parenting approach accordingly.
Provide children with age-appropriate choices to foster autonomy and decision-making skills.
Explain the reasoning behind rules and expectations rather than relying on "because I said so."
Create opportunities for children to experience natural consequences of their choices (within safe limits).
Take time to truly listen to your children's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.
Engage children in discussions about moral dilemmas, encouraging them to see nuance rather than black-and-white thinking.
Practice empathy as a family by imagining others' perspectives in daily situations.
Craft a family mission statement together and refer back to it when making decisions.
Implement a system for children to manage money, encouraging saving, spending, and giving.
Get involved in community service or social justice initiatives as a family.
Expose children to diverse people, cultures, and viewpoints from an early age.
Have ongoing, casual conversations about sex, relationships, and substance use throughout childhood and adolescence.
Incorporate prayer, Bible reading, or other spiritual practices into your family's daily routine.
Model healthy ways of managing anxiety and gently support children in facing their fears.
Attend a church or faith community that aligns with your values and offers opportunities for involvement.
Conclusion
"Bless This Mess" offers a thoughtful approach to raising children with both progressive values and Christian faith. By focusing on nurturing each child's unique personality, fostering moral reasoning and empathy, and tackling difficult topics with nuance, parents can help their children navigate the complexities of modern life while staying grounded in faith and values.
The authors emphasize that there's no one "right" way to parent, and that making mistakes is part of the process. What matters most is approaching parenting with love, intention, and a willingness to grow alongside our children.
Some key takeaways include:
- Tailor your parenting style to each child's personality
- Foster independence by balancing autonomy, structure, and involvement
- Teach nuanced moral reasoning rather than simplistic rules
- Live out your family values consistently
- Address sensitive topics through ongoing conversations
- Incorporate faith into daily life in meaningful ways
- Use prayer and gentle encouragement to manage anxiety
By implementing these principles, parents can create a home environment that nurtures children's faith, values, and character while preparing them to engage thoughtfully with the world around them.
Extended Exploration of Key Concepts
The Importance of Moral Ambiguity
One of the most significant ideas presented in "Bless This Mess" is the concept of moral ambiguity. In a world that often presents issues in black and white, teaching children to recognize and grapple with ethical nuance is crucial. This approach aligns with Jesus' own teachings, which frequently challenged the rigid moral codes of his time.
To help children develop this skill:
- Avoid labeling people as simply "good" or "bad"
- Discuss the complexities of real-world ethical dilemmas
- Encourage children to consider multiple perspectives in conflicts
- Explore the motivations behind harmful actions without excusing them
- Use stories and media to analyze characters' choices and their consequences
By fostering this type of thinking, parents can help children develop a more sophisticated moral compass that will serve them well in navigating complex real-world situations.
The Role of Empathy in Christian Parenting
Empathy is a cornerstone of both progressive values and Christian teachings. Jesus consistently modeled compassion for others, even those society deemed unworthy. By prioritizing empathy in our parenting, we can help children embody this crucial aspect of faith.
Some ways to cultivate empathy include:
- Regularly asking children how they think others might be feeling
- Encouraging perspective-taking in conflicts
- Discussing the impact of words and actions on others
- Volunteering or engaging in service projects as a family
- Reading diverse books that expose children to different life experiences
- Practicing active listening and validating emotions
As children develop stronger empathy skills, they'll be better equipped to love their neighbors as themselves and to stand up for those facing injustice.
Balancing Progressive Values and Christian Faith
One of the unique aspects of "Bless This Mess" is its attempt to reconcile progressive social values with traditional Christian faith. This can be a challenging balance for many families, but the authors argue that it's not only possible but essential in today's world.
Some ways to approach this include:
- Studying Jesus' teachings on social justice and care for the marginalized
- Exploring the historical context of Biblical passages to understand their deeper meanings
- Emphasizing the core Christian values of love, compassion, and service
- Engaging with diverse interpretations of scripture and theology
- Discussing how faith can inform our stance on current social issues
- Seeking out faith communities that welcome questions and diverse viewpoints
By modeling how to thoughtfully integrate faith and progressive values, parents can help children develop a robust spiritual life that remains relevant and meaningful in contemporary society.
The Power of Family Rituals
Throughout the book, the authors emphasize the importance of intentional family practices and rituals. These can serve as anchors, helping to reinforce values and create a sense of identity and belonging.
Some ideas for meaningful family rituals include:
- Regular family meetings to discuss issues and make decisions together
- Nightly gratitude sharing at dinner
- Weekly Sabbath observances or "unplugged" family time
- Annual traditions for holidays or family milestones
- Bedtime prayers or reflections
- Family service projects or volunteering days
By establishing these routines, families create shared experiences and memories that reinforce their values and strengthen bonds.
Navigating Technology and Media
While not a primary focus of the book, the impact of technology and media on modern parenting is an important consideration. In line with the book's overall approach, a nuanced strategy that neither demonizes nor ignores digital influences is likely most effective.
Some approaches to consider:
- Establish clear family guidelines for device use and screen time
- Model healthy technology habits as parents
- Discuss media critically, analyzing messages and representations
- Use technology as a tool for learning and connection, not just entertainment
- Create tech-free zones or times in the home
- Engage with your children's online interests and activities
By taking an active, intentional approach to technology, parents can help children develop healthy digital habits that align with their values.
The Ongoing Nature of Sex Education
The authors' approach to sex education as an ongoing conversation rather than a one-time "talk" is particularly relevant in today's world. This strategy allows for age-appropriate discussions that evolve as children grow and encounter new situations.
Some key principles for this approach:
- Use correct anatomical terms from an early age
- Answer questions honestly as they arise, without overloading with information
- Discuss consent and boundaries in all contexts, not just sexual ones
- Address the emotional and relational aspects of sexuality, not just the physical
- Talk about media representations of sex and relationships critically
- Provide accurate information about contraception and STI prevention, regardless of personal beliefs about premarital sex
By maintaining open, shame-free communication about these topics, parents can help children develop healthy attitudes towards their bodies and relationships.
Cultivating Spiritual Practices
While the book touches on incorporating faith into daily life, this concept can be expanded further. Helping children develop their own spiritual practices can provide them with tools for reflection, comfort, and growth throughout their lives.
Some age-appropriate spiritual practices to consider:
- Guided meditations or mindfulness exercises
- Journaling or art as a form of prayer
- Nature walks or "awe hunts" to appreciate creation
- Memorizing and reflecting on meaningful scripture passages
- Learning and singing hymns or spiritual songs
- Practicing intercessory prayer for others' needs
By exposing children to a variety of spiritual practices, parents can help them find meaningful ways to connect with their faith that resonate with their individual personalities and needs.
Addressing Doubt and Questions
While not explicitly addressed in the summary, creating space for doubt and questions is crucial in progressive Christian parenting. Children need to know that it's okay to wrestle with their faith and to ask difficult questions.
Some ways to foster this:
- Model asking questions about faith yourself
- Avoid dismissing doubts or concerns with pat answers
- Explore different interpretations of challenging Biblical passages together
- Encourage critical thinking about religious teachings
- Share your own faith journey, including times of doubt or struggle
- Provide resources for deeper exploration of theological concepts
By creating an environment where questions are welcomed, parents can help children develop a more robust and personally meaningful faith.
Building Resilience Through Faith
The book touches on managing anxiety, but this concept can be expanded to the broader idea of building resilience through faith. In a world full of challenges, helping children develop inner strength and coping skills is crucial.
Some ways faith can contribute to resilience:
- Providing a sense of meaning and purpose beyond immediate circumstances
- Offering comfort through prayer and spiritual practices
- Connecting children to a supportive community
- Teaching stories of perseverance from scripture and faith traditions
- Framing challenges as opportunities for growth and learning
- Encouraging trust in a higher power during difficult times
By helping children see how their faith can be a source of strength and comfort, parents can equip them to face life's challenges with greater confidence and hope.
Final Thoughts
"Bless This Mess" offers a comprehensive approach to progressive Christian parenting that emphasizes nurturing each child's unique personality while instilling strong values and faith. By focusing on developing moral reasoning, empathy, and autonomy, parents can help their children navigate the complexities of modern life with wisdom and compassion.
The book's emphasis on ongoing conversations about sensitive topics, rather than one-time "talks," reflects a realistic approach to addressing issues like sexuality, substance use, and technology in today's world. By maintaining open lines of communication and providing children with accurate information, parents can help them make informed, values-based decisions as they grow.
Incorporating faith into daily life through prayer, discussion, and intentional practices helps ground families in their spiritual beliefs while allowing for questions and exploration. This approach recognizes that faith is a journey, not a destination, and that doubt and questioning can ultimately lead to stronger convictions.
The authors' focus on social justice and community involvement reflects a holistic understanding of Christian faith that goes beyond personal piety to engage with the wider world. By encouraging children to care about others and work towards positive change, parents can help them live out their faith in meaningful ways.
Ultimately, "Bless This Mess" provides a roadmap for raising children who are grounded in faith, guided by strong values, and equipped to engage thoughtfully with the world around them. While the specifics may need to be adapted to each family's unique circumstances, the core principles of love, respect, open communication, and intentional living offer a solid foundation for progressive Christian parenting in the modern age.