Bringing Up Bébé Summary

“What if raising a well-mannered child wasn't about constant discipline, but providing the right environment for independence, self-control, and curiosity?”

1. Teach Babies to Self-Soothe for Better Sleep

Babies can learn to soothe themselves and, as a result, sleep through the night much earlier than many parents think. French parents observe their babies rather than automatically picking them up when they cry at night. Babies often cry as a way to transition between sleep cycles rather than a sign of immediate need.

When responding too quickly to crying, parents risk disrupting the baby’s process of self-soothing. Giving a pause – even a brief one – lets the baby navigate its natural rhythms. French parents gradually increase the waiting time before responding as their babies grow older, allowing them more independence over time.

Studies support this approach: for example, a 1993 Pediatrics study found that parents who followed certain calming steps had babies more likely to sleep through the night in just a month. This method gives children the independence to manage sleep without external interference.

Examples

• French parents wait a few seconds before responding to newborn cries and increase the pause time as weeks go by.
• Most French babies sleep through the night after just a couple of months.
• The Pediatric study concluded that babies rarely need food at night, making self-soothing healthier for digestion and rest.

2. Treat Food as an Adventure to Build a Child’s Palate

French parents don’t simplify meals for kids; they incorporate variety and flavor into their children’s diets. They believe in exposing kids to all kinds of tastes, textures, and cuisines from an early age rather than offering limited and bland options.

Rather than relying on separate, “plain” kids' meals, French children eat what the family eats. Foods are presented in different forms to support experimentation – for instance, leeks may be steamed, pureed, or baked. Children might not like everything at first, but they are always encouraged to try.

The mantra “you have to take at least one bite” minimizes resistance. This repeated exposure expands children’s palates, making them open to trying foods like fish in dill sauce and even goat cheese. Such habits form the foundation for healthier eating as they grow.

Examples

• French schools serve multi-course meals, including vegetables and cheese, even for kindergarteners.
• French children are expected to try each food on their plate – they don’t have to love it, but sampling is non-negotiable.
• The absence of “kids’ menus” in French society means children inherently grow up to appreciate a wider range of flavors.

3. Fixed Mealtimes Cultivate Self-Discipline

In France, children are taught to respect fixed mealtimes – four per day – from an early age. Eating outside of these times, such as snacking randomly, is rare and discouraged. This approach not only normalizes healthier eating habits but fosters a sense of delayed gratification.

Implementing regular mealtimes reduces tantrums because children learn that they can’t demand snacks whenever they feel like it. Knowing their meals only arrive at specific times encourages patience.

The famous “marshmallow test” experiment demonstrated how waiting leads to long-term rewards. French mealtime rules reflect this principle, and their results speak for themselves. With only 3.1 percent of five-year-olds being obese in France (compared to 10.4 percent in the U.S.), structured eating times clearly benefit children’s overall well-being.

Examples

• French children have breakfast, lunch, a 4 p.m. snack, and dinner, always at set times.
• Snacking is disallowed outside these hours, including sweets or treats.
• Children learn to “earn” their dessert or treats by eating their vegetables first.

4. Don’t Neglect Your Needs as a Parent

French parents maintain a striking balance between caregiving and self-care. They don’t feel guilty about prioritizing their needs amidst parenting responsibilities. Children are viewed as a part of life, not its entire center.

Romantic relationships are given importance, too. French belief treats physical intimacy as essential, where the loss of a sex life is considered to be a health issue. Parents take proactive steps – from going on child-free holidays to organizing mini-breaks – to reconnect with themselves as individuals and as couples.

Even birthday parties are occasions where parents can relax. They see such events as social opportunities or free babysitting rather than obligations. Prioritizing their adult lives encourages healthier family dynamics.

Examples

• French couples often take annual child-free vacations while grandparents or schools care for the kids.
• Parents don’t hesitate to send children on overnight school excursions even at a young age.
• Birthday parties for children sometimes end with a glass of champagne for the parents.

5. Accept Gender Roles Without Keeping Score

Unlike many modern families that focus on equal parenting responsibilities, French families believe in accepting different strengths based on gender. French women often joke about their partners’ shortcomings in parenting roles, fostering a forgiving, light-hearted environment.

The French approach alleviates pressure on men to be perfect caregivers and on women to balance everything precisely. This attitude creates more relaxed partnerships. When men don’t feel scrutinized, they’re more willing to participate in family chores and caregiving without resentment.

Scorekeeping in household tasks, while common in American marriages, fuels bitterness and disrupts harmony. Letting go of this competitiveness preserves healthier dynamics, even if workloads aren’t exactly split 50/50.

Examples

• French women laugh with, rather than blame, their husbands for missed tasks.
• Mothers admit feeling overwhelmed sometimes but avoid turning it into hostility toward their partners.
• The absence of guilt and constant expectations makes French marriages less strained.

6. Avoid Hovering Over Every Move

French parents give their children space to explore, make mistakes, and engage in imaginative play. Over-engaging or micro-managing is seen as counterproductive to a child’s development.

At parks or social settings, French parents relax with friends while children play independently. This helps the kids socialize, solve problems on their own, and enjoy unstructured activities.

Rules are still there – but when they’re broken, parents enforce them with calm confidence rather than anxiety. Saying “no” with authority works because children feel it’s non-negotiable, distinguishing strictness from smothering.

Examples

• Parks in France are calm hubs where parents chat while kids naturally learn to navigate playground rules.
• “No hitting” and “stay within the playground” are firm rules children quickly internalize.
• Misbehavior earns consistent consequences, helping kids respect boundaries without needing constant reminders.

Takeaways

1. Practice waiting before intervening when your baby cries at night to teach self-soothing and build sleeping habits.
2. Expand your child's palate by introducing them to a range of textures and flavors early, focusing on variety instead of bland, kid-specific meals.
3. Protect your own life balance – carve out guilt-free moments for self-care, romance, and relaxation without compromising on parenting.