Introduction
Pamela Druckerman's "Bringing Up Bébé" is a fascinating exploration of the differences between American and French parenting styles. As an American mother living in Paris, Druckerman observed that French children seemed exceptionally well-behaved, independent, and mature compared to their American counterparts. Intrigued by this phenomenon, she set out to uncover the secrets behind French parenting methods and how they contribute to raising such well-adjusted children.
This book is not just another parenting guide filled with rigid rules and unrealistic expectations. Instead, it offers a refreshing perspective on child-rearing that emphasizes balance, common sense, and the importance of maintaining one's identity as an adult while nurturing a child. Through her personal experiences and extensive research, Druckerman presents a compelling case for adopting certain aspects of French parenting to create happier, more independent children and more relaxed parents.
Key Ideas
1. The Secret to Sleeping Through the Night
One of the most striking differences Druckerman noticed between French and American babies was their ability to sleep through the night from a very young age. While many American parents resign themselves to months or even years of interrupted sleep, French parents seem to have cracked the code for getting their infants to sleep soundly.
The key lies in understanding a baby's sleep cycles and giving them the opportunity to self-soothe. French parents practice what they call "The Pause," which involves waiting a few moments before responding to a baby's nighttime noises. This brief delay allows the baby to potentially settle back to sleep on their own, rather than immediately rushing to their side at the first sound.
Druckerman cites a study published in the journal Pediatrics that outlines three simple rules for helping babies sleep through the night:
- Don't rock the baby to sleep
- Only feed them during the night if other soothing methods have failed
- Learn to differentiate between whimpering and genuine crying
By following these guidelines and gradually increasing the duration of "The Pause," French parents help their babies develop the ability to self-soothe and fall back asleep independently. This not only leads to better sleep for the entire family but also fosters a sense of autonomy in the child from an early age.
2. Developing a Diverse Palate
Another area where French children excel is in their willingness to try a wide variety of foods. While many American children subsist on a limited diet of chicken nuggets, pizza, and macaroni and cheese, French children are exposed to a diverse range of flavors and textures from infancy.
In France, there's no such thing as a "kids' menu" in restaurants. Children are expected to eat the same foods as adults, albeit in smaller portions. This approach helps develop their palates and prevents them from becoming picky eaters later in life.
French parents introduce their children to a wide range of foods from an early age, including vegetables, seafood, and even delicacies like foie gras and goat cheese. The key is to offer variety and encourage children to try everything, even if they don't like it at first. French parents operate under the belief that tastes can be acquired through repeated exposure.
A typical French school lunch might include dishes like red cabbage and fish in dill sauce, followed by cheese and a baked apple. This approach not only exposes children to diverse flavors but also educates them about nutrition and the importance of balanced meals.
The French motto when it comes to food is simple: "You have to try at least one bite." This rule helps children overcome their initial resistance to new foods and gradually expand their culinary horizons.
3. The Importance of Fixed Mealtimes
In France, mealtimes are sacred. Children typically eat four times a day at set intervals: breakfast at 8 a.m., lunch at midday, a snack at 4 p.m., and dinner at 8 p.m. Snacking between meals is generally forbidden, which has several benefits for both children and parents.
Firstly, this structure helps reduce the risk of obesity. By limiting eating to specific times, children learn to regulate their hunger and avoid excessive calorie intake. The statistics speak for themselves: only 3.1% of French five-year-olds are obese, compared to 10.4% of their American counterparts.
Secondly, fixed mealtimes contribute to fewer tantrums and better behavior. When children know that they can only eat at designated times, they're less likely to demand snacks or treats while out shopping or running errands. This eliminates a common source of conflict between parents and children.
Perhaps most importantly, adhering to set mealtimes helps children develop patience and self-control. The ability to delay gratification is a crucial life skill, as demonstrated by Walter Mischel's famous "marshmallow experiment" in the 1960s. Children who were able to resist eating a marshmallow for 15 minutes in order to receive two marshmallows later showed better outcomes in various aspects of their lives as adults.
By instilling the discipline of fixed mealtimes, French parents are inadvertently teaching their children valuable lessons in self-regulation and delayed gratification.
4. Maintaining Adult Identity and Relationships
One of the most striking differences between French and American parenting styles is the way French parents maintain their identities and relationships after having children. While many American parents view the birth of a child as the beginning of a new life that revolves entirely around the child, French parents strive to maintain a balance between their roles as parents and as individuals.
This approach is particularly evident in how French couples prioritize their romantic relationships. In France, it's considered unhealthy to completely sacrifice one's sex life for the sake of children. The loss of sexual desire is even viewed as a form of depression that requires treatment. French parents understand that maintaining a strong, intimate relationship with their partner is crucial not only for their own well-being but also for creating a stable and happy home environment for their children.
French parents also don't feel guilty about taking time for themselves. It's common for schools to organize week-long retreats for children, even in primary school, giving parents a break. Some couples even take annual child-free vacations, leaving their children with grandparents or other relatives.
This extends to social gatherings as well. Birthday parties in France are seen as an opportunity for parents to socialize and relax while the children play together. The author describes these events as "free babysitting, followed by a cocktail party."
By maintaining their individual identities and nurturing their adult relationships, French parents model a healthy work-life balance for their children and avoid the burnout that often plagues American parents who feel pressured to devote every waking moment to their children.
5. Embracing Gender Differences
While many societies are working to break down gender barriers, French parents take a different approach. They acknowledge and even celebrate certain gender differences, particularly when it comes to parenting roles.
French women don't expect their male partners to match them in child-rearing skills. They accept that men might not be as adept at certain tasks, like buying diapers or scheduling doctor's appointments. This acceptance reduces pressure on fathers and allows them to contribute in their own way without feeling inadequate.
French women often playfully tease their partners about their parenting shortcomings, which, counterintuitively, makes French men more relaxed and engaged in their role as fathers. This is in stark contrast to the American ideal of the perfect, equally involved dad, which can sometimes lead to feelings of failure or resentment.
Moreover, French women are less likely to keep score when it comes to household chores. While they may feel overwhelmed at times, they don't typically harbor resentment towards their partners for not doing an equal share of housework. This approach helps maintain a more harmonious home environment and prevents the buildup of tension that can occur when couples constantly compare their contributions.
The French perspective on gender roles in parenting might seem old-fashioned to some, but Druckerman argues that it actually leads to happier relationships and more relaxed parenting overall.
6. The Art of Saying "No" and Fostering Independence
French parents have mastered the art of saying "no" effectively while also giving their children the freedom to explore and develop independence. This balance is crucial in raising well-behaved, self-reliant children.
In France, it's uncommon to see parents hovering over their children at the playground, constantly guiding and assisting them. Instead, French parents tend to sit on the sidelines, chatting with other adults while their children play independently. This doesn't mean they're neglectful; they still set clear boundaries and intervene when necessary. But they understand the importance of allowing children to navigate their own experiences and learn from their mistakes.
When it comes to discipline, French parents are firm and confident in their authority. They believe that if they're convinced of their own authority, their children will be too. This confidence allows them to say "no" effectively when it really matters, rather than engaging in constant negotiations or empty threats.
French parents also distinguish between minor infractions and serious misbehavior. They're not overly strict about small issues, like taking an extra cookie, but they're firm on important rules related to safety or respect. This approach helps children understand the difference between minor and major transgressions and leads to fewer conflicts overall.
By giving children space to explore within clearly defined boundaries, French parents foster independence and self-reliance while maintaining their role as the ultimate authority figures.
7. The Cadre: Framework for Freedom
Central to the French parenting philosophy is the concept of the "cadre," or framework. This idea suggests that children thrive when given a balance of freedom and structure. The cadre provides clear boundaries within which children have the liberty to explore, make decisions, and learn from their experiences.
French parents set firm limits on a few key areas – such as mealtimes, bedtimes, and respectful behavior – but within these boundaries, children are given considerable autonomy. This approach helps children develop self-discipline and decision-making skills from an early age.
The cadre also extends to how French parents interact with their children. They don't feel the need to constantly entertain or stimulate their kids. Instead, they encourage independent play and allow children to experience boredom, which is seen as a catalyst for creativity and self-reliance.
This framework for freedom helps explain why French children often appear more mature and well-behaved than their American counterparts. They've been given the tools to regulate their own behavior and make decisions within appropriate boundaries.
8. The Importance of Patience and Delayed Gratification
French parenting places a strong emphasis on teaching children patience and the ability to delay gratification. This is evident in various aspects of child-rearing, from mealtime practices to how playtime is structured.
From a young age, French children are taught to wait. They learn that they can't always have what they want immediately, whether it's a snack between meals or a parent's undivided attention. This lesson in patience is crucial for developing self-control and resilience.
The French approach to mealtimes is a prime example of this philosophy in action. Children are expected to sit at the table for the duration of the meal, engaging in conversation and trying different foods. They're not allowed to snack between meals, teaching them to manage their hunger and look forward to shared family mealtimes.
This emphasis on delayed gratification extends to other areas of life as well. French parents don't feel obligated to immediately respond to every demand or whim of their children. Instead, they teach them to wait their turn, to occupy themselves, and to understand that their needs don't always come first.
By instilling these values of patience and delayed gratification, French parents are equipping their children with important life skills that will serve them well into adulthood.
Final Thoughts
Pamela Druckerman's "Bringing Up Bébé" offers a refreshing perspective on parenting that challenges many commonly held beliefs in American culture. The French approach to raising children, as described in this book, emphasizes balance, common sense, and the importance of maintaining one's identity as an adult while nurturing a child.
Key takeaways from the French parenting style include:
- Teaching babies to sleep through the night by allowing them to self-soothe
- Developing children's palates by exposing them to a wide variety of foods from an early age
- Adhering to fixed mealtimes to promote better eating habits and self-control
- Maintaining adult identities and relationships after becoming parents
- Embracing certain gender differences in parenting roles
- Mastering the art of saying "no" effectively while fostering independence
- Providing a framework (cadre) that balances freedom with structure
- Emphasizing the importance of patience and delayed gratification
While it's important to note that no single parenting style is perfect for everyone, the French approach offers valuable insights that can be adapted to suit different cultural contexts. The overall philosophy encourages raising children who are independent, well-behaved, and capable of enjoying a wide range of experiences.
By implementing some of these strategies, parents may find themselves less stressed and more confident in their ability to raise happy, healthy children. The French parenting style reminds us that it's possible to nurture and guide our children while also maintaining our own identities and relationships.
Ultimately, "Bringing Up Bébé" invites readers to reflect on their own parenting practices and consider alternative approaches that may lead to more balanced, enjoyable family life. It's a thought-provoking read that challenges conventional wisdom and offers practical insights for parents seeking to raise well-adjusted, independent children while maintaining their own sense of self.