Dear Girls Summary

Don’t be afraid to take yourself lightly or take on the world heavily. Both are necessary to find out what you’re truly capable of.

1. Life Isn’t a Straight Path But a Rollercoaster Ride

Life doesn’t go as planned, and that’s okay. Ali Wong reflects on her experiences, from shoplifting makeup as a teenager to finding her footing in a male-dominated comedy world. These twists helped her discover her passions and resilience. For Ali, both failures and successes played a part in shaping her identity.

Ali didn’t always live the glamorous life of a stand-up star. Her early years were filled with rebellious experiments and not-so-great choices like crashing her mother’s car and navigating her wild youth. These moments shaped her perspective and led her to dream bigger. College and a bold, scary move to New York introduced her to the gritty life of pursuing comedy, with late nights performing for small audiences and learning to overcome doubt.

Even now, as a wife and mother with a career, Ali grapples with imperfection. Therapy and tough discussions with her husband are part of her effort to juggle all her roles. She stresses one core belief: life’s ups and downs teach more than perfection ever could.

Examples

• Moving to NYC with the dream of becoming a comedian.
• Working relentlessly at the Brainwash Cafe while tackling stage anxiety.
• Regular couple’s therapy sessions to strengthen her marriage rather than expecting perfection.

2. Travel Changes How You See Yourself and Others

Ali learned the value of getting out of her comfort zone by immersing herself in other cultures. From studying in Hawaii to spending a year in Vietnam, travel gave her a sense of independence, a deeper connection to her heritage, and confidence to embrace her quirks.

In Hawaii, a speaker named Haunani-Kay Trask made a lasting impression on Ali. The speaker’s unapologetic femininity and powerful voice inspired her to own her personality. Vietnam, on the other hand, reconnected Ali with her mother’s culture through food, language, and history. It also gave her insight into the flawed judgments of others, like when a boy she fancied critiqued her body hair, leading her to stop seeking external validation.

Travel, Ali learned, isn’t just about discovering new sights but also about breaking down mental barriers. It reminds us to step back and appreciate who we are – hairy legs and all.

Examples

• Studying abroad in Vietnam and experiencing her maternal cultural roots.
• Listening to Haunani-Kay Trask gave Ali a role model for confidence.
• Deciding not to change her appearance based on someone else’s opinion.

3. Stereotypes Don’t Have the Final Say

Throughout her career, Ali faced assumptions about what an Asian-American woman could or couldn’t do. Racism, stereotypes, and sexist comments could have derailed her confidence, but she stayed focused on her goals by reminding herself that only she could define her identity.

Her challenges began early in her career. When she performed on stage dressed femininely, she faced gender biases even before delivering her jokes. At other times, fellow comedians undermined her success by attributing it to her minority status rather than her hard work. Instead of bending to stereotypes, she chose authenticity. She dressed in loose clothes, ignored naysayers, and focused on perfecting her comedic voice.

Ali tells her daughters that confidence and persistence matter more than how others perceive them. It’s not their gender, ethnicity, or anyone else’s judgments that will pave their path, but their determination and self-belief.

Examples

• Facing instant dismissal from an audience member at a comedy show in Honolulu.
• Male comedians patronizing her with, "You’re lucky because you’re a minority."
• Dressing casually during performances to shift focus from her appearance to her craft.

4. Success Means Embracing the Hard Work

Nobody becomes phenomenal overnight. Ali’s comedy career involved a grind – bad gigs, low pay, and plenty of moments when her jokes awkwardly fell flat. She believes success means accepting that these struggles are part of the journey.

Ali’s grueling schedule as a touring comedian would exhaust anyone: nine performances over five days, subpar meals, and cheap hotels. Throw in workplace harassment, and the challenges soar. Yet, Ali kept going because she cared deeply about contributing something unique to her craft. She refined her skill through trial and error, acknowledging each failure as a stepping stone.

Her persistence paid off. By staying authentic and pulling from her own life experiences, Ali stopped just surviving and started thriving. To her daughters, Ali emphasizes that the hustle, though tough, is part of a life worth fighting for.

Examples

• Performing in smoky, cramped bars across America.
• Surviving on minimal resources while building her reputation.
• Developing material from personal stories like her family’s immigrant history.

5. Family Stories Shape Strength and Perspective

Ali’s family history – from her grandfather’s tough immigrant roots to her own parents’ sacrifices – drives her resilience. When life gets hard, she reflects on their experiences for humility and strength.

Her grandfather’s struggles, like working as a cleaner and surviving on near-nothing, kept her grounded during her financial hardships in New York. Moreover, her family’s practice of delivering good-natured roasting toughened her against critics while pursuing comedy. Parents, siblings, and relatives shared wisdom and humor that she still leans on today.

Ali advises her daughters to appreciate their lineage. These inherited lessons, both joyous and painful, help us cope with life’s challenges and celebrate its wins.

Examples

• Ali’s maternal grandfather working as a cook during his childhood.
• Her family’s humor bolstered her resilience to criticism in the comedy world.
• Immigrant values taught her diligence and the importance of saving money.

6. Relationships Need More Than Love

Ali’s marriage to Justin stands as an example of thoughtful commitment and teamwork. They both accept each other’s quirks and work together to make their relationship thrive, even when it means sacrifice.

Early on, they learned the importance of supporting one another. Justin never faltered, even when Ali’s career required long absences. Instead, he managed childcare and made sacrifices so Ali could chase her dreams. Beyond support, therapy and pragmatism – like signing a prenuptial agreement – strengthened their bond.

For Ali, happy relationships also entail owning the give-and-take. It’s not about finding perfection but building with what you have.

Examples

• Justin managing six weeks of solo childcare while Ali filmed a movie.
• Coming to terms with signing a prenup and viewing it as a blessing.
• Date nights despite demanding schedules to keep their connection strong.

7. Life Doesn’t Look Like Instagram

As a young mom, Ali imagined parenting as a series of beautiful, leisurely moments akin to curated social media feeds. The reality couldn’t have been more different, but Ali discovered joy and growth in the messes and chaos.

Parenting meant juggling mundane tasks like making endless mac and cheese meals and supermarket runs. It also involved plenty of embarrassing moments, such as leaking breast milk or messy diaper changes in public. Motherhood, Ali learned, isn’t glamorous but it is deeply meaningful.

Her message to her daughters – life is messy and imperfect. Learning to laugh through it all makes it better.

Examples

• Dreaming of spa days after motherhood but swapping them for chores.
• Public mishaps like spontaneous breast milk leakage at family outings.
• Finding humor even when parenting gets overwhelming.

8. Not Every Plan Works, and That’s Okay

Ali stresses that flexibility and adaptability are far more important than rigid plans. Life often defies expectations – as a parent, comic, and wife, she’s faced this reality firsthand.

She assumed signing a prenup was distrustful until she saw its benefits for her career independence. Similarly, parenting turned out to be much more physical and demanding than her initial fantasies. Yet, every deviation from her "perfect plan" taught her resilience.

Ali’s ultimate message is that life’s curveballs create learning moments. Rigidity might hold you back, but embracing change propels you forward.

Examples

• Realizing the merits of a prenup after initial resistance.
• Adjusting to children’s unpredictability during family vacations.
• Turning failed expectations into unexpected triumphs.

9. Parenting is Relentlessly Hard Yet Rewarding

Ali compares parenting to jumping into a never-ending rollercoaster of chaos. It’s loud, messy, and anything but easy, yet it offers fulfillment like nothing else does.

She opened up about nights of broken sleep, the mundaneness of diaper changes, and the overwhelming lists of kid-related tasks. Even with the challenges, Ali reflected on the joy of shaping her girls’ values and showing them unconditional love.

Her constant message: parenting doesn’t require perfection – just presence and heart.

Examples

• Nights of exhaustion counterbalanced with moments of pride.
• Frequent mishaps providing laughter and bonding in retrospect.
• Passing on important lessons to instill confidence in her children.

Takeaways

1. Travel is one of the best ways to grow and discover your true self. Say yes to bold, unfamiliar adventures.
2. Don’t shape your life based on stereotypes or opinions others have of you. Define your success on your own terms.
3. Accept that life is usually more chaotic than planned. Embrace the mess and adapt as it comes.