Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen

"Keeping kids safe is all about having the right conversations at the right time." This book answers the question: How can parents prepare their tweens for adulthood while maintaining open, meaningful communication?

1. Learn a New Language to Connect with Your Tween

As children grow into tweens, the way they communicate with their parents changes. The once-familiar language of childhood fades, and parents must adapt to a new way of talking. This shift happens because tweens are developing their independence and forming their own identities, which naturally creates some distance.

Parents often find themselves frustrated by their tween’s silences or resistance to conversation. It’s tempting to lecture or impose rules, but this approach can lead to conflict and alienation. Instead, parents should embrace their tween’s need for autonomy as a healthy part of growing up. By doing so, they can foster a relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

The key is to engage in conversations that help tweens reflect on their experiences, both good and bad. This means listening more than talking and guiding them to evaluate their decisions. By learning this new “language,” parents can stay connected with their tweens while supporting their growth.

Examples

• Recognizing that a tween’s surly silence is a sign of their growing independence, not defiance.
• Avoiding the “shut it down” approach and instead allowing tweens to make small mistakes to learn from them.
• Using open-ended questions to encourage tweens to share their thoughts and feelings.

2. Build a Roadmap to Independence

Tweens crave independence, but granting it all at once can feel risky for parents. Instead of saying “no” outright to their requests, parents can create a roadmap that outlines the steps their child can take to earn more freedom.

This approach mirrors the “Yes, and” technique used in improv theater, where participants build on each other’s ideas rather than shutting them down. Parents can apply this by explaining what their tween needs to demonstrate to gain more autonomy. For example, if a tween wants to go to the mall alone, parents can outline milestones like memorizing emergency phone numbers or practicing how to ask for help from a trusted adult.

By framing these milestones as part of a journey toward independence, parents show their tweens that they trust them to grow and learn. This builds confidence and strengthens the parent-child relationship.

Examples

• Explaining that carrying a charged phone and checking in regularly are steps toward solo outings.
• Practicing scenarios like asking a store employee for help if they get lost.
• Framing milestones as preparation for future independence, not arbitrary rules.

3. Teach Financial Responsibility Through Context

Tweens often compare their family’s financial situation to others, which can lead to questions and complaints about fairness. Instead of avoiding these conversations, parents should use them as opportunities to teach financial literacy.

The key is to provide context for financial decisions. For instance, parents can explain that while another family might have a pool or take expensive vacations, they might also have significant debt. This helps tweens understand that appearances don’t always reflect financial health.

Parents can also introduce the concept of value by discussing how spending decisions fit into a larger budget. This teaches tweens to think critically about money and prioritize needs over wants.

Examples

• Explaining why a discounted video game might not be a good purchase if it wasn’t budgeted for.
• Discussing how saving for a family trip means skipping smaller, unnecessary expenses.
• Highlighting the difference between short-term wants and long-term financial goals.

4. Set Ground Rules for Technology Use

Technology is a major part of a tween’s life, but it can also be a source of conflict. Parents can address this by creating family-wide ground rules for tech use, emphasizing that these rules apply to everyone.

A family meeting is a great way to establish these rules collaboratively. This ensures that tweens feel heard and are more likely to follow the guidelines. Parents can also encourage tweens to reflect on how their online behavior aligns with the kind of person they want to be.

By treating technology as a tool rather than a threat, parents can help their tweens develop a healthy relationship with it.

Examples

• Holding a family meeting to discuss acceptable screen time and app usage.
• Encouraging tweens to write a personal statement about how they want to be perceived online.
• Modeling good tech habits, like putting phones away during meals.

5. Give Constructive Feedback That Builds Confidence

Tweens are constantly critiqued by parents, teachers, and peers. While feedback is essential for growth, it’s important to deliver it in a way that encourages learning rather than shutting it down.

Research shows that focusing on strengths helps the brain create new connections, while emphasizing flaws can make the brain perceive criticism as a threat. Parents can pair constructive feedback with positive reinforcement to keep their tweens motivated.

For example, instead of labeling a child as “rude” for interrupting, parents can acknowledge their enthusiasm and suggest a better way to share their ideas.

Examples

• Saying, “You have great ideas, but let’s wait until I’m off the phone to discuss them.”
• Encouraging tweens to keep a notebook for their thoughts instead of interrupting.
• Highlighting strengths while addressing areas for improvement.

6. Embrace Impulsivity as a Learning Opportunity

Tweens are impulsive by nature, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Impulsivity drives cognitive growth by exposing tweens to new experiences and helping their brains develop.

Parents can distinguish between dangerous impulsive behaviors, which require immediate intervention, and harmless ones, which can be used as teaching moments. By guiding their tweens to reflect on their actions, parents can help them learn from their mistakes.

This approach allows tweens to explore their world while staying safe and supported.

Examples

• Stopping a dangerous game involving fireworks but discussing why it’s unsafe afterward.
• Allowing a tween to plan a spontaneous party and helping them manage the consequences.
• Encouraging tweens to try new activities while setting clear boundaries.

7. Introduce Consent Early in Non-Sexual Contexts

Consent is a vital concept that can be introduced long before tweens are ready to talk about sex. Teaching them to set and respect boundaries in everyday situations lays the groundwork for healthier relationships later on.

Parents can start by encouraging tweens to say “no” confidently and without guilt. They can also discuss the importance of asking permission before using someone else’s belongings.

These lessons help tweens understand that they have control over their own bodies and choices, which is essential for their safety and self-esteem.

Examples

• Encouraging a tween to say “no” to activities they don’t want to participate in.
• Holding a family meeting to discuss respecting personal property.
• Reinforcing that it’s okay to set boundaries with friends and family.

8. Balance Freedom and Responsibility

As tweens push for more freedom, parents must balance granting independence with ensuring safety. This involves setting clear expectations and consequences while allowing room for growth.

Parents can use real-life scenarios to teach responsibility. For example, they might let their tween plan a small outing with friends, emphasizing the importance of communication and accountability.

By gradually increasing their tween’s responsibilities, parents can prepare them for the challenges of adulthood.

Examples

• Allowing a tween to plan a family meal, from shopping to cooking.
• Setting rules for solo outings, like checking in at regular intervals.
• Discussing the consequences of breaking agreed-upon rules.

9. Focus on Your Own Growth as a Parent

Parenting a tween can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity for personal growth. As tweens become more independent, parents can rediscover their own interests and relationships.

This might mean picking up an old hobby, spending more time with a partner, or reconnecting with friends. By taking care of themselves, parents can model a healthy, balanced life for their tweens.

Examples

• Joining a book club or taking a class to explore a personal interest.
• Scheduling regular date nights with a partner.
• Setting aside time for self-care, like exercise or meditation.

Takeaways

1. Practice active listening to understand your tween’s perspective and build trust.
2. Collaborate with your tween to create rules and milestones that encourage independence.
3. Take time for yourself to recharge and model a balanced life for your child.