How to Raise an Adult Summary

“Are you raising your child to thrive in adulthood, or merely to succeed in childhood?”

1. Overparenting Does More Harm Than Good

Some parents hover obsessively over their children, driven by fear or ambition. This "helicopter parenting" approach stifles independence and self-reliance, which are necessary for adulthood. The rise of hyper-parenting can be traced to events like the 1981 abduction and murder of Adam Walsh, which instilled widespread fear in parents, prompting them to prioritize safety over life preparedness.

Instead of preparing children for the real world, overparenting shields them from it. Many parents actively manage their children’s schedules and activities with the belief that this will help them succeed. While children of these parents may perform well academically or professionally, they are often unprepared for life's challenges, from managing time to overcoming failure.

Additionally, mistrust in educational systems fuels this behavior. Parents interfere in academics and extracurriculars, even going so far as to hire lawyers to challenge grades. Such intervention sends children the message that they cannot solve problems themselves.

Examples

• Kidnapping fears caused by media portrayals contrast with the much greater risk of dying in activities like horseback riding.
• Helicopter parents emphasize high GPA scores but fail to teach problem-solving or self-advocacy.
• Some parents push tutors and special prep courses, confusing academic success with long-term happiness.

2. Overparented Kids Are Struggling Psychologically

Kids raised under a constant watchful eye often fail to acquire fundamental skills—and the emotional fallout can be devastating. Without opportunities to face failure or navigate challenges, they lack confidence to handle life's demands, causing elevated stress levels.

A 2013 study of college freshmen revealed that over 83% felt overwhelmed by academic demands, with 8% considering suicide. Overparenting contributes to this by projecting unattainable expectations and suppressing the natural process of learning through trial and error. Parents often only relay tales of their achievements, leaving failures unshared, further stressing their children.

On top of this, the pressure to perform has fueled overdiagnosis of conditions like ADHD. Many students are prescribed medication intended to boost productivity, creating a troubling cycle where drugs are used not just for treatment, but as performance enhancers.

Examples

• Kids who never failed a test feel paralyzed when they face their first failed college midterm.
• Many students turn to Adderall to meet unrealistic academic responsibilities.
• Children with no clear way to discuss failure may grow up feeling isolated or inadequate.

3. Overparenting Harms Career Prospects

Helicopter parenting extends its effects into adulthood by crippling young professionals' career potential. Independence, resilience, and problem-solving—all traits employers value—are dramatically underdeveloped in overparented young adults. This lack of maturity makes navigating responsibilities on one’s own frustrating and unfamiliar.

In extreme cases, parents even cross boundaries into the workplace, calling employers to demand better treatment or higher salaries for their children. These missteps not only hinder the young adults' careers but tarnish their professional image.

Notably, parents often see their children’s accomplishments as extensions of their own identity. This brings perpetual stress and worry about their child’s perceived failures. Over time, children mirror this anxiety, perpetuating a damaging cycle.

Examples

• Employers report difficulties working with staff unable to handle deadlines independently.
• Some parents follow up on job applications or set interviews for their adult children.
• Constant tweaks to resumes or test scores by parents show a pattern of micromanagement.

4. Strive for Authoritative, Not Authoritarian, Parenting

Parenting styles fall into four classic categories: authoritarian (strict, unyielding), permissive (overly lenient), neglectful (uninvolved), and authoritative. Of these, authoritative parenting provides the best balance by setting rules while also being responsive to children’s needs.

Authoritative parents nurture independence while ensuring boundaries. They explain decisions, encourage exploration, and accept imperfection. This approach respects the reasoning and intuition of children, serving as a blend of firmness and empathy that raises self-reliant, adaptable individuals.

Unlike authoritarian approaches, this style supports open dialogue, allowing children to feel secure in their individuality while also understanding limitations.

Examples

• An authoritarian parent punishes broken curfews, while an authoritative parent discusses safety concerns.
• Permissive parenting might allow unlimited screen time, whereas authoritative parenting sets clear but fair limits.
• Authoritative parenting emphasizes reasoning so children understand outcomes rather than acting blindly.

5. Life Skills and Hard Work Matter

Parents should focus less on shielding their kids and more on equipping them with real-world skills—like budgeting, cooking, meeting deadlines, and completing chores. These practical experiences help children develop resilience by learning accountability and responsibility.

Playtime is equally essential, offering unstructured spaces for children to explore, test limits, and understand the world around them. Play isn’t just leisure—it’s learning in disguise. Furthermore, when kids witness their parents valuing relaxation and hobbies, it fosters emotional balance and teaches the value of leisure.

Equally critical is teaching them the reward of effort. Instead of merely affirming "you can do anything," show them the steps needed to achieve big goals through consistent, small tasks.

Examples

• Assigning age-appropriate chores helps children understand teamwork at home.
• Montessori classrooms integrate play to teach life skills effectively.
• Kids learn cause-and-effect by earning privileges through completed responsibilities.

6. Support Your Child’s Own Path

Every child has unique interests, talents, and aspirations. Parents should guide rather than dictate their child’s journey. Forcing them into roles that align with parental expectations but clash with their passions leads to dissatisfaction and poor outcomes.

Children feel happiest and most motivated when pursuing what they love. This may conflict with what parents expect or value—for example, a child pursues plumbing rather than law school. Successful parenting means focusing more on long-term emotional happiness and fulfillment than pursuing prestige.

Even college choice should be about fit, not fame. A school with the right program for your child beats one with a globally famous name but little relevance to their goals.

Examples

• A musically gifted child thrives in a performance arts career instead of medical school.
• Kids with trade skills like carpentry excel when given room to explore versus being pressured toward academics.
• Parents who let their kids veer off-script often report stronger relationships and happier outcomes.

7. Parenting Should Leave Room for Personal Fulfillment

Many modern parents invest so much in their children’s success that they neglect themselves. Kids look up to parents as role models, so an unhappy, overworked parent sends the wrong message about adulthood. By caring for their passions and health, parents reinforce essential lessons about balance and wellness.

Parents trapped in the all-consuming zone of helicopter parenting lose their sense of purpose. Raising independent kids helps raise happier parents too. Pursuing personal goals—whether it’s joining a club or exercising—benefits the entire family dynamic.

Taking a stand against cultural norms of hyper-parenting might feel isolating, but finding communities or friends who share these values can be immensely supportive.

Examples

• A parent takes up a yoga class instead of attending every soccer practice.
• Families prioritize vacations or weekend fun as a break from children's packed schedules.
• Parents who balance their own hobbies report better emotional wellness.

Takeaways

1. Give your child opportunities to fail and learn independently—they’ll develop confidence to handle challenges later.
2. Set boundaries, but trust your child’s instincts and allow them to explore passions rather than push prestige.
3. Rediscover self-care. A fulfilled parent sets the best example, teaching balance and joy in living.