How to Raise Successful People

“How do we prepare our children for a successful and fulfilling life? By raising them to be independent, trustworthy, and kind people.”

1. Break Free from Past Parenting Patterns

Many parents unconsciously replicate the parenting styles they experienced as children. While some elements may benefit the next generation, harmful behaviors can perpetuate cycles of negativity. Esther Wojcicki stresses the value of reevaluating your childhood experiences to distinguish lessons that should be carried forward from those that should not.

She reflects on her own strict and gender-biased upbringing in an orthodox Jewish family during the 1950s, where boys were prioritized over girls. Her father imposed rigid, authoritarian rules paired with dismissive views towards women’s education. In contrast, her mother displayed warmth and loving care. Wojcicki chose to retain her mother’s nurturing approach while rejecting her father’s sexism.

To rewrite the script, Wojcicki encouraged decision-making in her daughters’ everyday lives, empowering them with choice rather than enforcing constrictive expectations. This approach allowed her children to develop autonomy over time and countered the controlling environment she grew up in.

Examples

• Wojcicki engaged her daughters in small decisions like choosing between games or snacks to build autonomy.
• Unlike her own father, she supported her daughters’ aspirations, whether traditional or unconventional.
• Applying this principle helped her foster confidence and independence in her family.

2. Build Bonds Through Trust

Children thrive when they understand that their parents believe in their abilities. Wojcicki argues that trust equips children with the confidence to navigate life and grow into capable adults.

She recounts allowing her granddaughters to go on a shopping trip independently at age eight. While her daughter Susan feared for their safety, Wojcicki trusted the girls and saw the experience as an opportunity for growth. By entrusting children with responsibilities, parents teach them not only that the world is navigable but also that they are competent within it.

Studies show that lack of trust both stunts children’s confidence and fosters negative behavior, such as aggression or selfishness. Trusting children strengthens their sense of responsibility and encourages cooperative and prosocial habits.

Examples

• Wojcicki allowed her granddaughters to manage their own shopping errands, fostering independence.
• Pew Research finds that only 19% of millennials think people are trustworthy, reflecting societal distrust.
• Trust-building reduces aggression in children, making them more likely to collaborate with others.

3. Respect Your Child’s Choices

Parents may feel tempted to push their children down specific life paths, but Wojcicki cautions against dictating their futures, which can lead to resentment or isolation. Instead, prioritizing respect strengthens relationships and mental well-being.

She recalls her daughter's decision to work as a babysitter post-college, which many parents might label as a lack of ambition. Wojcicki allowed her daughter the space to figure out her journey. Similarly, she observed other students, like Greg, who suffered emotionally from their parents’ rigidity about career choices.

This lack of respect can fuel family breakdowns. Greg resisted his parents’ push to pursue science and later became a successful designer on his own terms, but not without serious struggles. More tragically, societal studies tie adolescent parental disconnection to increased risks of depression and even suicide.

Examples

• Wojcicki’s daughter navigated her time as a babysitter before building a successful career later.
• Greg overcame parental expectations to thrivingly pursue his graphic art aspirations.
• Research from Yale links feelings of parental dismissal to adolescent mental health crises.

4. Grit Outshines Innate Talent

Grit, described as perseverance and passion toward long-term goals, matters more than innate talent. Wojcicki shares lessons of how resilience drives success.

Her student, Gady, didn’t become the editor-in-chief of the school newspaper despite his excellent writing. Yet, instead of sulking, Gady honed his articles, supported classmates, and eventually gained admission to Harvard due to his attitude. Today, Gady leads a successful career as the Media Editor at The Economist.

Wojcicki suggests fostering a growth mindset in kids—a belief in learning and hard effort instead of focusing solely on natural ability. This approach encourages children to persist even through failures, instilling grit for their futures.

Examples

• Gady transformed disappointment into new achievements through relentless effort.
• Angela Duckworth’s research connects achievers' common factor: sustained effort and grit.
• Carol Dweck illustrates how a growth mindset frames failure as a stepping stone, not defeat.

5. Embrace Collaborative Parenting

Parent-child relationships thrive when collaboration replaces command. Parenting styles range from authoritarian (strict control) to authoritative (firm yet positive), but Wojcicki introduces a third, collaborative model that invites cooperation.

Collaborative parenting emphasizes joint decision-making and shared responsibility. For instance, instead of dictating bedroom colors, parents could involve their child in selecting paint and tools. This method nurtures decision-making skills and mutual respect.

Studies with preschoolers show that even three-year-olds grasp collaboration and can acknowledge others’ perspectives. Such an approach balances structure with empowerment, instilling skills that benefit children throughout life.

Examples

• Collaborative parenting lets children choose room colors or plan tasks together.
• Preschoolers demonstrate the ability to team up and empathize, contrary to assumptions.
• Baumrind's studies indicate that flexibility coupled with consistency raises healthier, happier kids.

6. Kindness Takes a Backseat

In modern parenting, personal achievement often overshadows compassion. Wojcicki notes research where children associate their parents’ pride more with good grades than acts of kindness, perpetuating self-centered priorities.

Her daughter Anne exemplifies a different approach by taking significant time off work to find better care for her terminally ill grandmother, prioritizing love and respect. On the other hand, authors like Amy Chua embody "tiger parenting," valuing success over connection or kindness.

The author warns that such competition-focused dynamics worsen already alarming societal trends where caring for others is no longer held as a primary value.

Examples

• Anne prioritized finding optimal hospice care for her grandmother despite career pressures.
• Harvard’s study exposed 80% of surveyed kids placing success above compassion.
• Tiger parenting emphasizes wins at all costs, neglecting emotional depth.

7. Gratitude Creates Happiness

Children who practice gratitude tend to experience hopefulness and contentment. Gratitude enriches mental health and creates a positive outlook.

Wojcicki recommends instilling gratitude by setting examples, such as pausing during gift-giving occasions like Christmas to reflect on thoughtfulness behind gestures. Journaling daily or weekly gratitude prompts also wires minds for positivity.

Research validates that writing about what we’re grateful for reshapes our perspective, generating happiness.

Examples

• Wojcicki’s daughters’ travel journals sharpened their gratitude for daily moments.
• Studies link gratitude-focused activities with increased teenage optimism.
• Reflecting on small things in gratitude journals reduces depression risks.

8. Independence Is Essential

Children need space and independence to develop strength. Constant hovering suffocates their growth and ability to function later in life.

The author encourages parents to provide age-appropriate autonomy, from basic chores to larger responsibilities. This trains kids to rely on themselves and navigate challenges independently.

Examples from Wojcicki’s teaching experience consistently show that students given freedom learn problem-solving better and often are more self-reliant than overly managed peers.

Examples

• Encouraging children to make small decisions like packing lunch builds initiative.
• Wojcicki’s classroom autonomy taught teens accountability for assignments.
• Independence-minded teens self-regulate behavior and adapt to varying environments.

9. Let Children Fail

Failure is educational. Shielding kids often deprives them of learning resilience or overcoming difficulty.

Encouraging moments where children fail, yet guide them toward solutions, enables stronger confidence long-term.

Examples

• Wojcicki emphasizes treating setbacks like puzzles kids can crack with effort.
• Public acknowledgment displays resilience toward school struggles supporting positivity instead.
• Adults’ own handling shapes critical feedback attitudes juniors replicate forward.

Takeaways

1. Let your kids take charge of small decisions to teach responsibility and confidence.
2. Lead by example: show gratitude, resilience, and collaboration in your daily habits.
3. Help your children turn setbacks into stepping stones by fostering a growth-oriented mindset.