I'm Judging You Summary

“Don’t be a shitty human being.” – With this as its underlying theme, I'm Judging You encourages us to reflect on our actions and attitudes in an honest and often humorous way.

1. Beware the "Dinner Scrooges"

Friendship and social gatherings are often joyful, but some people make even simple shared experiences, like having dinner, frustrating.

Ajayi identifies these culprits as "dinner scrooges," who ruin meal outings by various forms of stinginess or irresponsibility. The first kind is the person who eats excessively and unfairly expects everyone else to split the bill. Then, there’s the laser-focused calculator wielder who obsessively itemizes their portion down to the cent, often skimping on their debt or the tip. Lastly, there’s the disappearing act – the friend who conveniently vanishes before the bill arrives, failing to pay their share.

Ajayi humorously suggests a solution: prix fixe menus and cash-only payment methods to eliminate drama at meals. Life is too short for long arguments over mediocre meals, especially when Netflix is calling.

Examples

• The friend who orders extra to-go food and expects others to share the cost.
• The overly meticulous person who insists they only owe for their salad and iced tea.
• The perpetual “oops, I forgot my wallet” dinner teammate.

2. Recognizing Toxic Friend Types

The book offers a witty classification of bad friends who challenge our patience and sanity, emphasizing why setting boundaries is essential.

Ajayi lists nine such friend archetypes, including the Competitor, who constantly tries to one-up you; the Flake, who never shows up; and the Frenemy, whose backhanded comments make you question their intentions. These friends test loyalty, patience, and trust, often making relationships more stressful than they are rewarding.

While not all toxic friends need to be cut from your life immediately, Ajayi highlights the importance of recognizing these patterns and deciding whether to address the behavior or move on. After all, friendships should add joy, not stress.

Examples

• The Adventurer friend who ropes you into risky escapades, like trespassing "for fun."
• The Lannister-like backstabber who betrays trust yet lingers in your friend circle.
• The overly religious Holy Roller who judges everything outside their moral code.

3. Think Twice Before Plastic Surgery

Modern beauty standards can often encourage us to go under the knife, but Ajayi criticizes this trend, suggesting people question societal influences first.

The pressure to align with narrow beauty norms leads to unhealthy choices, from anal bleaching to extreme skin lightening. Ajayi argues that succumbing to these standards doesn’t just harm self-esteem but can also be physically damaging. She advises moderation and self-awareness to avoid turning one’s body into an unrecognizable caricature.

Her larger message is about embracing who you are and resisting fleeting beauty trends. Instead of chasing perfection, focus on self-confidence and rejecting harmful societal expectations.

Examples

• The rise in Nigeria of toning creams to lighten skin, despite their harmful effects.
• Media portrayals overwhelmingly tied to light skin and Eurocentric aesthetics.
• Reminder of Lil’ Kim’s gradual transformation as an extreme example of unrealistic beauty ideals.

4. Racism Isn’t Always Obvious

Ajayi points out that racism isn’t limited to blatant displays of hatred; it often appears in subtle, systemic forms.

Casual behaviors, like clutching a purse near a Black person or condescending compliments like “You’re so well-spoken,” highlight everyday racism. Even people who consider themselves liberal may unknowingly contribute to racist systems. Ajayi pushes for self-reflection, emphasizing the need to acknowledge privilege and dismantle harmful stereotypes.

America’s history of systemic racism runs deep, and meaningful change demands an honest look at everyone’s biases and the policies that perpetuate inequities.

Examples

• A hiring manager expressing surprise at a Black candidate’s eloquence.
• The myth of “colorblindness” as ignoring the lived experiences of different races.
• Systems built on discrimination that still reward some over others.

5. Men and Feminism Have Some Homework to Do

Ajayi tackles the persistent challenges of sexual harassment and the selective inclusivity of modern feminism.

She calls out street harassment and the widespread culture of sexual violence that forces women to be hypervigilant. Even feminism, she argues, has often sidelined women of color or LGBTQ+ individuals. Ajayi stresses that inclusivity and focus on equality beyond gender should define the feminist movement, and men must take responsibility by addressing their own internalized misogyny.

True progress hinges on everyone – regardless of gender or identity – participating in creating a more equitable society.

Examples

• The statistic that most street harassment goes unreported despite its frequency.
• Media debates questioning women’s feminism based on clothing choices, like Beyoncé’s stage outfits.
• Limited intersectionality in mainstream white-centric feminism.

6. Stop Weaponizing Religion

Religion can provide comfort and guidance, but Ajayi criticizes its misuse to promote hate, division, or hypocrisy.

From using the Bible to justify homophobia or sexism to portraying Jesus as a white, blond savior, Ajayi lampoons the way organized religion has been distorted. She reminds readers that religion should focus on love, understanding, and community rather than judgment and exclusion.

Her ultimate point is that misrepresentations of spirituality do more harm than good, even to faith itself.

Examples

• Leviticus frequently quoted about homosexuality but ignored regarding eating shrimp.
• The racist depiction of Jesus in Western art compared to his likely Middle Eastern identity.
• Clergymen endorsing harsh gender roles while engaging in hypocrisy.

7. Social Media Needs Rules of Etiquette

Social media should be a tool for connection, but many users misuse it, spreading misinformation, being oversharers, or just being plain creepy.

Ajayi critiques hashtag misuse (e.g., ##hashtaggingeverything) and oversharing (e.g., posting funeral selfies). She warns about the dangers of gullibility, like believing and sharing fake news. She also advises against online actions that lack tact or respect for others’ privacy.

The broader idea is for everyone to act responsibly online and work toward a healthier, more trustworthy digital space.

Examples

• Misusing trending tags like ##MeToo for publicity stunts.
• Viral clickbait hoaxes that major news outlets occasionally spread.
• Facebook's unnecessary “poke” feature as a breeding ground for creepiness.

8. The Clash of Internet Fame and Reality

Internet fame has redefined public figures and their behavior, sometimes steering attention toward superficiality rather than merit.

Ajayi critiques the desperation people show online, from faking pregnancies for attention to fabricating glamorous vacations for likes. She categorizes these fame-seekers into seven personality types, including the “Number Dropper” obsessing over follower counts and “The Brand,” who makes every moment about their digital persona.

The hunger for validation, Ajayi asserts, has reshaped expectations of authenticity, often for the worse.

Examples

• Public influencers emphasizing their follower numbers over substance.
• False globe-trotting stories created by online personalities.
• Internet users claiming no privacy over minor, fleeting recognitions.

9. The 2016 Election Shined a Spotlight on These Issues

Finally, Ajayi reflects on how the 2016 US election starkly revealed glaring public divides like sexism, racism, and misinformation.

With Trump’s election, societal issues became more apparent, from racial oppression to fake news shaping voter opinions. Ajayi laments that many overlooked these larger consequences, especially those in positions of privilege who failed to act.

She ends with a call for awareness, urging people to address everyday biases and inequalities while working toward fairer systems and better leadership.

Examples

• 53 percent of white women voting for Trump despite his sexism.
• The widespread dissemination of fake news during the election cycle.
• Black and brown communities emphasizing transformative political change.

Takeaways

1. Be an active advocate for fairness: Call out sexism, racism, and homophobia in your daily life, and educate yourself on biases you might hold.
2. Use social media responsibly: Avoid spreading misinformation, oversharing, or misusing hashtags. Focus on contributing wisely to online conversations.
3. Cultivate inclusive friendships: Identify toxic behaviors among companions and build relationships that enrich rather than drain you.